Degrassi: The Boring Point, A Parody
by awriterscorned
Summary: This Degrassi parody starts with Degrassi Takes Manhattan. As of 7/20/12 it is updated to the end of season 11. Season 12 chapters coming soon!
1. The PG Rated Incest Chapter

A/N: This was written purely for fun. It is stupid. It is lame. It is weird. It is just a parody. I don't hate Degrassi or anything, I just like making fun of stuff. Even stuff I like. And I don't own Degrassi so don't sue me.

It was a delightful afternoon for Holly J and Declan who were making out feverishly on a couch.

"Hey guys," Fiona said. "Look...I don't mean to be the bad guy here, but seeing as I really haven't had a decent plotline yet, I was wondering if maybe you could include me in your drama."

Holly J sat up and looked her square in the eye. "Listen _Fi-oh-nuh_," she hissed. "You _may think_ that you're _so _important just because you're Declan's sister, but listen here," she stood up. "I've been dating your brother for _three months_ I think I have more of a right to monopolize his time, completely crush his character development, and endlessly obsess over him than you do!"

Fiona gasped. "I was just _asking _if either of you two could help me get a plotline. I've been on the show for a whole season and all anyone knows about me is that I'm hot and I have a brother."

"I know," Holly J said. "But approximately 85% of Degrassi fans liked me better as a bitch so if you want your little plotline you better pull a complete character 180 and start irrationally hating me. You might want to start by doing something insane like stealing my job or kiss my boyfriend who happens to be your brother but still somehow looks hotter with you than with me."

Declan flinched. "For fuck's sake, H J."

"Yeah, that was a little uncalled for," Fiona said. "Besides, don't most fans want you and me to go gay and make out, leaving Declan free to fly back to Degrassi and jump Clare's bones?"

"First of all, just because I completely monopolize every female friend I have and crush her chances of ever finding a boyfriend does _not _make me a lesbian," Holly J said. "And second, just because the person writing this fic has a pathetic and slightly inappropriate crush on you and uses me as a self-insert sometimes does NOT mean that we should end up together."

"You said it, H J," Declan grinned and then kissed her for ten minutes while a bad love song by Ke$ha played in the background.

"Ugh you two are _so _gross," Fiona said. "How many more episodes do we really need to devote to you two making out and angsting?"

Declan sighed. "Aw, don't feel bad, Fi. You had a plotline. Remember how you told that gay guy off for beating somebody up sometime during season 9."

Fiona frowned. "That was actually one of the worst episodes in Degrassi history. Everyone who saw it just pretended it never happened. Even fag hags just like to pretend Peter ripped his pants off and made angsty love to him for hours in that episode where they kissed. And that I either never existed, am in angsty twincest love with you, or am hopelessly pining over Holly J."

Holly J frowned. "Puh-leeze. I will _never _date you, Fiona. I'll always just be your way too close best friend who acts like she might as well be dating you but then completely forgets you exist anytime Declan is around."

"Doesn't that seem a little unfair?" Fiona asked. "I mean, you're now my only chance at ever getting a plotline and Degrassi hasn't done lesbianism since season five. Besides, the fact that there are no bisexuals on this show _ever_ except Paige who only dated one girl ever kind of creates some unfortunate implications."

Holly J rolled her eyes. "Yeah but this isn't about social justice, it's about making preteens hot. Everyone who doesn't want me with Spinner wants me with Jane. And some people want me with both of them at the same time."

"Or both of you with Declan at the same time," Fiona said.

"Or both of _us_ with Declan at the same time," Holly J finished.

"God, why does everyone think I'm a man slut?" Declan whined. "I haven't been that for like FIVE WHOLE EPISODES. And geez the only reason I was hooking up with every already taken girl I could find was so everyone would think I was a bad boy, just making my big sensitive hookup with Holly J EVEN HOTTER to fourteen-year-old Twilight fans."

"And it worked," Fiona said. "Just look at Clare. She even wrote off-brand Twilight fanfics about you, posted them all over the internet, and wasn't smart enough not to use your real name."

Declan smiled. "I know, man. If this show didn't have ridiculous double-standards about sexual assault I might actually be upset that she grabbed me out of nowhere and bit me."

Fiona nodded. "Speaking of, I'd really like to assault you and pass out in your arms."

"You what?" Declan asked.

"Well," Fiona said. "I mean since our pilot a LOT of people have started not only thinking we're together but also changing their social opinion of incest entirely."

"Oh come on," Declan said. "Name one person who wants me and you to kiss."

Fiona opened her laptop, logged on to FanFiction, and found 4,000,986 examples of people who wanted them to kiss.

"Oh," he smiled. "I get it. So we need to kiss and I need to look like I like it for a split second so that shippers can have a hot new clip for their twincest videos."

Fiona nodded. "Exactly."

"Well okay," Declan said. "Why don't you kiss me then?"

"Uhm hello," Holly J said. "I am totes his girlfriend so you totes better stop acting like you totes have the monopoly on his love."

"No real person _ever _uses the word totes, Holly J," Fiona said.

"_You _said it thirty minutes into the movie!" Holly J said.

"Whatever," Fiona said.

Fiona and Declan kissed to some trashy Ke$ha music.

"You guys are PATHETIC!" Holly J shouted. "Jesus, don't our three months together mean _anything _to you Declan?"

"Of course H J," he said. "Dammit, I refer to you by initials instead of your name! I write on your locker in fridge magnets! I hack into your e-mail account! I'm a better stalker than Edward fucking Cullen! I don't fuck Jane anymore! _What MORE DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO, HOLLY J?_"

Holly J sighed. "How about NOT FUCK YOUR SISTER."

"I didn't, we were just kissing," he said.

"You know what," Holly J smiled. "You're right. I could never stay mad at you. What do you say we ship Fiona off to another state against her will so we can have really loud amazing sex without her complaining?"

"Sounds like my kind of summer of love," Declan said.

"You are SO INCONSIDERATE!" Fiona shouted, before leaving the room.

"Damn," Holly J said. "That was one of the meanest things you've ever done. You just mailed away your sister. I mean what happened to 'if you're not happy, I'm not happy.' That was a complete character shift. It was practically a plot device to give her more reasons to be crazy so they can abuse her and make her the new Darcy."

Declan shrugged. "She'll get over it."

Holly J smiled, realizing that all was well. "I love you."

"Guys you have to help me!" Jane said.

"What have you been doing the entire movie?" Holly J asked.

"Hooking up with a random guy who I've never met before and will never see again," she said. "The writers wanted to get rid of the rumors that you and I are gay for each other."

"_Why _does everyone think I'm gay?" Holly J asked.

"Because you're one of the only interesting female characters on the show except for me and Fiona and obviously any strong, confident woman who doesn't take shit from guys is gay. I mean just look at _Alex_."

"I am _not_ gay," Holly J repeated.

"I know," Jane said. "They totally derailed your character so now everyone assumes you're the slightly bi girl toying with my or Fiona's heart."

"Hey," Declan said. "Are you saying I ruin female characters?"

"Yeah," Jane said. "Look at me. I'll bet no one even REMEMBERS that I used to be gothy and punk rockery and hot except for gschulte. Now I'm just another boy crazy Degrassi chick."

Holly J nodded. "Yeah. Your character really sucks these days."

"I know," Jane said. "And on top of everything else, Spinner is marrying Emma."

"Emma?" Declan asked. "Who's Emma?"

Holly J rolled her eyes. "What a n00b. Anyway, she's this nature lover who turned into a slut after she gave Jay a blow job for some bracelets and then randomly became anorexic and now is my hero because she does environmental bike rides or something."

Jane nodded. "Oh okay. That makes sense."

"She took off all her clothes at school one time."

"Now I remember," Jane said.

"Geez are you sure you're not the gay one," Holly J said.

"Come ON, Declan!" Jane said. "You can testify to me being straight."

He shrugged. "We had off-screen sex. It was only mentioned ONE TIME. That's a lot easier for femslash writers to ignore than the entire episode they devoted to Holly J and me having sex and whining about it."

Holly J interrupted. "_Anyway_. Spinner and Emma spent nine seasons together and never talked ever. I mean, she blew his best friend who is marrying_ her _best friend who dated _him_ before blaming him for a shooting or something. That's WAY too ridiculous and convenient for anyone to buy. How can they be getting married?"

"I don't know," Jane said. "They must be soul mates."

"Yeah, but what exactly is Degrassi's definition of a soul mate?" Holly J asked. "I mean, Anya and Sav are supposedly soul mates except they finally broke up so Sav can one day tap Farrah. And Sean was supposed to be Emma's soul mate until he got shipped to Iraq or something. And wasn't the fact that you and Spinner are soul mates the reason he turned me down after I saved his life?"

"Shut up," Jane said. "It's Degrassi. Hell for all we know next season you'll have a near-gay experience where you almost screw Fiona and then make a b-line for Sav so no one will suspect anything. And before you know it, Fiona will be paired with Adam and anyone who calls that femslash and talks about how weird it is to see Lizzie from _Life With Derek_ turned into a boy will be accused of homophobia and set on fire."

"That can't happen," Declan said. "First of all, Sav has no redeeming qualities as a human being and everyone above the age of 15 is completely bored with both him and Anya. Besides, if H J leaves me I'm off the show unless they pair me with Tinsley or randomly mail me back to Degrassi because I just miss Fi so much."

"What _really _doesn't make sense," Holly J said. "Is what they're going to do with Clare if Declan is officially in love with me and gonna stay with me forever this week."

Declan shrugged. "They'll probably get some bad rip off of Harold from _Harold and Maude_ with a flippy goth haircut who drives a hearse to school to help her find her voice as a writer or something."

"You come up with the dumbest ideas," Jane said. "That would almost be as bad as turning Jenna into a lesbian and pairing her with Bianca."

"Yeah, but you have _no _idea how big that fanbase is," Fiona sighed.

"Fi, how the hell did you get here?" Declan asked.

"With Mia gone, the show can't spare me because I'm really hot despite having lower self-esteem than Ellie," Fiona said.

And then a lovely new semester started. Fiona got beaten up for five minutes and then ran away to make some cute handholding clips for Fiona/Holly J femslash videos. And Alli acted like a moron and threw herself at a homophobic jock who is ashamed of his transsexual brother who will probably end up with Fiona at some point and meanwhile Riley is still angry and pissy and so is KC and Peter is in the credits but has not appeared in a single episode making many people sad since he's the relic of "the old Degrassi" at this point which is REALLY sad for those of us who have been watching this show since 2001 and everyone is waiting to find out if Jenna is going to be gay despite how incredibly untrue to her character that seems. Oh and Degrassi's football team now plays in a park rather than a stadium because the show spent all the money on those giant yoga balls for the classroom and a new teacher who isn't Mr. Simpson and didn't have enough left to pay for extras or a stadium.

_To be continued..._


	2. The Alli Chapter

A/N: Thanks for reviewing my random writer's block-induced creation.

"Oh my _God _Clare I am like _so _miserable. My life is over," Alli said.

Clare shrugged. "You'll be fine. You magically got through dating a non-bathing scumbag with the plague AND an STD without catching either of those things."

"So _what_?" Alli asked.

"So I'm saying, Degrassi girls almost always either get pregnant or diseased the first time they have sex," she said. "I watched the reruns when I got cast in this role. Manny got pregnant and had an abortion and had everyone in the whole school think she was a slut. Emma got gonorrhea, Alex probably did too. Then of course there was Darcy who got Chlamydia for one episode. And don't think just because you're in gifted you're too smart for all that. Liberty was the valedictorian and she let JT use a jumbo condom despite the fact that there were two whole episodes in season 3 and season 5 about how small his penis is. Having sex on Degrassi never ends well unless you're Holly J."

Alli rolled her eyes. "I _break _rules. That's why I get to school early every morning to change into my slut costume."

"Very original," Clare said. "You know I've always kind of wondered how you get away with that. I mean, most kids ride the bus and that means you'd have twenty minutes _tops _to change your entire outfit and fix up your hair and put on a ton of makeup. It just seems a little unrealistic."

Alli rolled her eyes again. "Ugh, Clare, why do you have to overanalyze everything? God you're so annoying I'm going to start subtly pushing away your friendship to go be a cheerleader now."

Dave grinned as she threw a bag of dog crap at him and called him an asshole. "She SO wants me," he said to Wesley.

"I feel like you've slightly miscalculated," Wesley said.

"Naw, naw. One time a guy spilled urine on me and the next thing I knew we were BEST FRIENDS. You're new to Degrassi, you don't know the ropes."

Wesley sighed. "_I'm _new. Yeah...and you're just the man aren't you? Your only plotlines involve getting piss thrown at you and being ignored by the dumbest bitch at school."

"No way, man," Dave said. "_Jenna_ is the dumbest girl at school, not Alli."

"Yeah but Jenna ignored you too," Wesley said.

"Wait...what?" Dave asked. "I don't think anyone remembers that. I thought she promised not to tell anyone!"

Wesley illegally downloaded the "Beat It" episodes off Megavideo and reminded Dave of his monumental failure with Jenna.

"Oh yeah," Dave said. "Thanks for reminding me. I still think I'm cool despite getting less action than Connor who at least got to dance with that one girl in one episode who never showed up again ever."

"Less action than me too," Wesley said. "I got bitten. Any day now I'll hit puberty and be the new Declan."

"Dream on," Dave said.

Meanwhile, back to Alli and her oh-so-life-making-or-breaking-super-important-popularity-depending-on-slut-I-mean-cheerleader-tryouts.

"Hey Chantay," Alli said. "I wanna be a cheerleader. Where's the captain so I can suck up to her a whole bunch?"

Chantay gave her the same irritated look she uses at least once per episode. "You're looking at her sweetie."

"But I thought you were a gossip queen with a video camera. When did you become cheerleading captain?" Alli asked.

"Don't you think I deserve it? I've been on the squad for five years," Chantay said.

It was quite odd, really. Many people assumed that she started off in eighth grade rather than ninth grade but considering that the middle school students at Degrassi all got food poisoning and died, Chantay has no excuse to have been at Degrassi for five years. And really, the only reason they ever had middle schoolers and high schoolers at the same school was a big plot device to get Emma and Manny introduced to Craig.

"Why have you been in high school for five years?" Alli asked.

Chantay rolled her eyes. "Because they wanted to keep me on the show?"

"Yeah but they didn't even say anything. They could have had you held back or SOMETHING but I guess you just aren't important enough to get that much screen time," Alli said.

"Are you done?" Chantay asked.

"I'm just saying," Alli said. "It's like they just hoped no one would notice."

"Do you want power squad or not?" Chantay said. "Because it's a lot of work and it's all about coordination, rhythm and..."

"I thought it was all about being popular and having friends and blowing Drew," Alli pouted. "Geez. Don't you do all that?"

Chantay smiled. "OF COURSE. What do you think high school is all about?"

Alli smiled through the ugliest shade of lipstick ever. "Bring it."

The next day Alli found out she didn't power squad despite accidentally hitting on the entire squad (no that happened I'm not just making this up).

"Oh my GOD I hate Chantay she's so evil I'll bet she did this on PURPOSE because she doesn't want me to be popular oh my god it totally can't be just because I suck at cheerleading no way I was super good and I totally practiced giving head for three hours last night."

"Don't you think you should have practiced _cheerleading_?" Clare asked. "I don't think giving head is how you get on the squad at this school."

Alli rolled her eyes. "Oh, so judgy Clare is back."

"So any time I tell you not to do something that's a bad idea, you call me judgmental?" Clare asked. "And if you wanted a friend who wouldn't call you on having random slut moments in the Ravine why did you pick the best friend who came to public school the first day still wearing her Catholic school uniform?"

"I don't know!" Alli said. "This plot makes no sense. I've got to find a new group of girls who will make a fake power squad with me and then make Chantay look stupid."

So Alli went off to find Bianca. "Hey new girl who hates everyone! Wanna be my friend?"

"You talking to me, stupid uninteresting bitch?" Bianca asked casually.

"Totally!" Alli chirped. "So like wanna join my super awesome totally rad dance crew?"

"Look bitch," Bianca said. "I don't _do _super awesome totally rad things _okay_."

"OH!" Alli chirped. "You're the new bad kid! I should have known by the hoop earrings."

Bianca rolled her eyes. "Look _whatever_ I don't care about your stupid insert-whatever-you're-whining-about-at-this-present-moment so leave me alone."

She started to walk off and Alli did this awkward running-after-her thing that would be really hard in five inch heels. "But _waaaaaaaaait_!" Alli yelled. "If you don't join my new dance crew which is so NOTHING like power squad AT ALL so shut up then it'll be _episodes _before anyone sees your face again."

Bianca considered this long and hard. "Fine. Well...I guess if I stop being in episodes I'll never know if I'm going to turn Jenna gay or not."

Alli nodded. "Exactly!"

"Why does everyone want Jenna gay anyway?" Bianca asked. "I get why they might want to break her and KC up but...since like every KC/Clare fan is pretty much having an orgasm over Eli now wouldn't it make sense to just keep the two biggest losers on this show together?"

"Who's Eli?" Alli asked.

Eli was the goth kid giving Clare a beautiful speech about how she had to be brave and strong and confident and trust herself and speak her mind.

"Hey Alli," Clare smiled. "Eli was just telling me that I have to be brave and strong and confident and trust myself and speak my mind."

Alli rolled her eyes. "Oh my GOD Clare. I get it, after years of misery involving your big sister leaving you all alone and your boyfriend cheating on you with a skank you've finally found a gorgeous and sensitive guy who might actually be right for you. In fact, he might be your true love who you'll marry someday. WHO CARES? I have WAY more important things to figure out like whether or not Drew wants me."

"Well," Clare spotted Drew across the hall. "Now's your chance."

"Hey Drew," Alli said. "Do you like me?"

Drew looked down at the crotch of her very tight pants. "No bulge," he said. "Are you a chick?"

"Yeah," Alli smiled.

"Great," he said. "Because I don't like gay people, got that? I am so not gay it's amazing. I mean I am so straight I'm almost gay except not because that would be gay. And by the way, I'm not gay. I am so straight that when I look at you I get an erection."

Alli started jumping up and down screaming. "Did you hear that, Clare? He LOVES ME! He wants to get married and have babies and he wants me to be Mrs...whatever the hell his last name is not like it matters cuz in two episodes he'll probably cheat on me with Bianca or that Marisol girl whose name Riley can't remember."

"You know what I like about marriage?" Drew beamed. "The fact that it's between a man and a woman. Catch you cisgendered ladies later."

Well, technically Drew was mistaken since Ashley's dad was married a few seasons ago to a gay man but shut up.

With that, he walked off and Alli fainted. "I haven't been this in love since Johnny called me Backwoods and almost gave me herpes."

Clare smiled. "I'm happy for you."

"Cool cuz I'm having a slutty party tonight and you're not invited."

Clare shrugged and went on her merry way.

"Hey Dave," Alli said. "What if I told you that I was just kidding all those times I told you I didn't want you and actually I am ravenous for you and literally start foaming at the mouth every time you say my name and in fact want to be your girlfriend and admit to teh whole school that I know you?"

"Oh Alli!" he threw his arms around her. "I love you."

She threw him against a locker. "Haha, loser. But come to my party tonight."

"Cool," he smiled. "Oh man, she wants me so bad."

Wesley rolled his eyes. "Seriously, who the hell are you, man?" Dave asked. "Clare like bit you or something and now you think you can just come in here as a recurring character."

"I could say the same to you," Wesley said. "Who are you?"

"I'm Chantay's bro or cousin or something," he said defensively.

"Oh," Wesley said. "That makes sense."

Later at da partay.

Dave put his arm around Alli and she went, "oh my god my life is so OVER." He laughed because that's what girls say when they really really want you bad.

"Let's play that game that's normally called _ten fingers_ where you put a finger down or every bad thing you've done only with stripping instead of fingers," Alli said.

"Sweet," Drew said. "I have never been GAY!"

No one put their fingers down because Riley and Zane who are the token gays of the show were not there.

"I have never had a crush on someone in this room," Alli said.

Drew took off his shirt in slow motion while the camera panned across his Adonis-like chest. By Adonis-like I mean as decent as you could reasonably expect from a jocky seventeen-year-old boy.

"I have never wanted to make out with someone in this room," Drew said.

Alli and Dave were fucked.

"I have never wanted to send naughty pictures of my privates to Drew," Alli said as she took off her top.

"Let's make out!" Drew said.

"Yay!" Alli said.

"But whuddabout MEEEEEEEEEEE?" Dave asked.

"You're short and uninteresting and easy to take for granted," Alli explained.

"Don't worry bro," Drew said. "Once they have a big plotline about me being a cheating man-whore and I commit a couple inexcusable hate crimes against Adam who I will deny is my brother, Alli will decide she hates me and settle for good old Dave. Hey...it worked for JT with Manny for like two whole episodes."

"Wow, you think so?" Dave asked. "Yay! She wants me!"

And then Drew and Alli made out. And then Clare and Eli didn't make out because love for them is about the person and the deep emotional connection.

"Why do you drive a hearse?" Clare asked. "Are you trying to be Harold?"

He shook his head. "The writers assume no one has seen _Harold and Maude_ so it won't be an issue that I'm driving a hearse."

She nodded. "That's cool. You're really deep."

"So are you," he said. "I'll bet you thought I was a bad boy when you met me but now that you know me you realize I have a soul."

She smiled. "It's like you see right into my heart."

"Clare!" Alli yelled from nowhere. "Oh my GOD no one cares about an abstinent Catholic chick having a meaningful friendship with a boy before she jumps his bones. People wanna see me throw myself at jackasses! Stop hogging screen time!"

"Sorry," Clare said.

So then Alli was all, "hey Eli. Wanna see Ghostbusters?"

"Do I have to keep my hands off you?" he asked.

"Well while we're getting tickets and eating popcorn," Alli said.

He shrugged. "If someone sees me with you and we're not making out they'll think I'm gay! Let's just make out!"

_Is Drew a legitimate love interest for Alli, or is he using her as his whore? Will it turn out that Eli has a really dark past and killed some people at his old school and is running from a bunch of stuff that will scare Clare away - almost - until she realizes that mysterious bad boys are totally hot? What in the HELL does Zane see in Riley? _

_ For answers to these and more questions, watch the show. For creative interpretation, read this fic._

_ To be continued. _


	3. The Riley Chapter

A/N: I should specify that I'm gay myself and don't have a problem with gay people. My parodying Riley is purely based on his plotlines.

It was a beautiful sunshiny day for Riley and Zane who were outside being gay for each other...ahem...practicing football. There is nothing gay about football, the part where men tackle other men and roll around on the ground is particularly straight. Why, what a coincidence! This was exactly what Riley and Zane were doing at this very moment.

"Come ON dude," Riley grunted angrily. "If you keep acting GAY people are going to think we're GAY."

Zane sighed. "Come _on_ dude. You've had like five episodes dedicated to you whining about being gay. Stop acting like a diva and get over it."

Riley grunted angrily. "Just don't act like we're a _thing_ in the locker room in front of other guys."

"Why? You trying to hook the straight ones?" Zane laughed.

Riley grunted angrily. "SHUDDUP."

Just seconds later, Drew appeared behind the bushes. "Dude are you wanking?" Riley asked.

"FUCK YOU I AM NOT GAY!" Drew said.

"I know man. You told Alli that like six thousand and twenty eight times in the last chapter," Riley said.

Drew pulled his pants up. "Well I'm _NOT_! In fact, I'm holding the STRAIGHTEST barbeque since whenever time it was before they invented gay people! So nyehh! If you don't bring a date I'm gonna call you a gaywad in front of a bunch of random extras so you BETTER get flirting."

Riley let out an exasperated sigh. "Did you hear that Zane? RANDOM EXTRAS are going to know I'm gay. _How _could I let this happen?"

"What's the big deal?" Zane asked.

"You KNOW what the big deal is! There is _no _historical precedent for Degrassi accepting a gay athlete."

"So has everyone just forgotten about Dylan?" Zane asked. "Big hockey star? Marco's boyfriend?"

Riley grunted angrily. "HOCKEY isn't FOOTBALL."

"It is in Canada," Zane beamed. "Geez Riley, I'm starting to wonder if this is an actual episode or just a big pile of hot estrogen brigade bait."

Riley grunted angrily and stormed off to find a date for Drew's Extremely Not Gay Barbeque.

"Hey Drew," he said, once arrived. "Check out the hot extra I brought to be my date."

Drew gave Marisol the once over twice. "Two breasts, no penis. I like it."

"Her name's Marilyn or Madison or My Super Obvious Beard or something," Riley said.

"It's _Marisol_!" Marisol said. "And I may be an extra, but just for getting my name wrong I am so going to hit on KC and try to snag a spot on the actual show. Who knows, I might conveniently be a ninth grader and make credits next season and then get a very special episode about my insecurities."

Riley and Drew laughed. "Dream on."

She stormed off in a huff and started hitting on KC.

"I don't WANNA talk to GIRLS OKAY GEEZ!" KC said before storming off in a fit.

"KC, I feel like you have emotional needs that you should let out before they turn you into a typical angry jackass," Jenna said compassionately.

"I am _NOT ANGRY _SO FUCKING DROP IT OKAY GEEZ! WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO TO PROVE HE'S NOT ANGRY, HUH?" he said as he punched the shit out of someone's car.

"KC, it hurts that you won't talk to me," Jenna said.

"FINE!" KC said as he kicked a piece of trash so hard that it hit Riley in the head, causing Riley to turn into the incredible hulk and throw Drew over a mountain. "WHAT SHOULD WE TALK ABOUT?"

"Well...since last season I've conveniently upgraded from gossiping skank to completely wordly and understanding therapist like girlfriend. I'm worried about how you keep shouting and moping and pouting like an angry loser. No one in the audience even envies me anymore. They've all moved on to Eli and...it hurts me, KC."

KC pounded his fist through a window. "I AM NOT FUCKING SHOUTING AND MOPING AND ANGRY AND POUTING ALL THE TIME FOR FUCK'S SAKE JENNA I'M A SENSITIVE MISUNDERSTOOD BAD BOY HEART THROB."

Jenna gave him an apologetic look. "Not since season eight. Hell. Fuck Eli. At this point Adam's a better misunderstood bad boy than you. I mean...you don't get much more misunderstood than Adam. Half the fourteen year olds who watch the show aren't even intelligence enough to _google _transgenderism and instead resort to posting 'zomg is he a gurl? on message boards. He's damn misunderstood."

"Oh yeah well...you don't fit into your spirit squad uniform," he said.

"Are you saying I'm fat?" Jenna asked.

"No," KC grinned. "I like porky girls. I have a Santa fetish I've always wanted to..."

She shook her head, pouted, and stormed away like Degrassi girls do when the relationship has reached a critical _oh shit_ moment, and the camera zoomed in on Jenna's "how could he" expression.

Later that day, Jenna bought diet pills. "Since I'll just diarrhea my fat away now, we should totally go hang out with your no-longer-crack-addicted-mom's house and eat really fattening mac and cheese."

"I _hate_ my mom," KC growled. "But watching you eat turns me on so let's do it."

That night they went to KC's mom house. "Wow," Jenna said. "She seems way too young and strung out to have actually birthed you."

KC just glared at his mother until his nostrils flared. "How's my cute widdle KC?" she asked, throwing her very skinny arms around him. "I _missed you_ yes I did, who's a big boy?"

"I'm not a puppy," KC growled. "I'm going to tell my social worker YOU THINK I'm a puppy and you can say goodbye to custody."

"KC!" Jenna sighed. "I'm sorry Mrs. Whatever KC's Last Name Is. I've only been his girlfriend for like half a season. I haven't had much time to teach him manners."

"I understand," KC's mom said. "Come here."

She gave Jenna a big hug. "I made all your favorite food KC," she said. "And from now on your life is going to be absolutely perfect."

"I don't WANT an absolutely perfect life," KC said, beating the shit out of the refrigerator. "I want to mope around in a halfway home."

"You know, KC. That halfway home is WAY too unrealistically nice. I mean, if you didn't live in Degrassiland and were actually a real person you'd probably have a really rough life there," KC's mom said. "In fact, if I were a kid without a family watching this show I'd probably be ready to beat your cute little face in. But oh well. You're my favorite wittle sonny boy so I forgive you."

"FUCK YOU!" KC whined. "You don't understand me!"

"KC," his mother said. "We can be a family again. And when we're a family again I'll take you to a salon so you won't ever have to cut your hair with a bowl again!"

"I _LIKE _cutting my hair with a bowl," KC glowered. "You don't understand ANYTHING."

"Okay," his mother said. "I'm going to go to the store for just long enough for you to steal my shit. Be right back."

"KC, don't steal her shit," Jenna said. "That's mean."

-Back at Degrassi-

"Hey Alli," Drew said with a charming jock-like smile.

"Hey," Alli said. "Wow...look at you."

"I know," Drew beamed. "I got thrown over a mountain but I bounce back."

"Cool," Alli smiled.

Just then, Drew's mother stormed in. "HEY SLUT!"

"Who me?" Alli asked.

"YES. WHO THREW MY SON OVER A MOUNTAIN. THIS IS SERIOUS. DO YOU GET HOW SERIOUS THIS IS?"

"Go away, Mom," Drew said. "Anyway, Alli. I was thinking. How about we make out in dark closets and don't ever let anyone see us together in public."

"I AM NOT GOING AWAY!" Drew's mother shouted. "I WILL TAKE THIS TO THE CANADIAN SUPREME COURT OR WHATEVER PEOPLE IN CANADA HAVE THESE DAYS IF I HAVE TO! NO SON OF MINE GETS THROWN OVER A MOUNTAIN!"

"Look Drew," Alli said. "I don't actually have any free will. Since I broke up with Johnny, my entire life has revolved around trying to be popular and I can't be popular in a dark closet."

"OH OKAY," Drew's mother said. "I JUST GET TO STAND HERE WHILE PRINCIPAL SIMPSON SITS INSIDE AND BOUNCES ON THOSE BALLS THEY BOUGHT TO REPLACE ALL THE CHAIRS WHILE MY SON'S LIFE COLLAPSES BEFORE MY EYES!"

"Look, Alli. I like that you're a girl and don't make me look gay but I DON'T LIKE the attitude! Either drop it or we're through."

"NO!" Alli whined.

"Fuck you," Drew said. "I'm off to find Riley's beard and turn her into a recurring character with the power of my dick."

After twenty seconds with Marisol, Drew realized that there's more to a girl than how hot she is. There's also whether or not she's boring.

"ALLI!" he screamed as he ran back across the street to find her.

He was rejected and he cried.

"No really Alli," he said. "I'm super serious. I like you. I'm just worried that you're SO smart that if we dated you'd just dump me for being stupid."

Alli blushed. "I dated Johnny who, despite miraculously being an honors student, make Spinner look like a genius. I can handle all the stupidity you throw at me."

And then they kissed.

"I'm so glad you're a girl," Drew said. "I hate gay people."

"Hey guys, what's up," Adam said.

"How's my favorite transgendered brother who I totally affirm, accept, and love as an individual?" Drew asked, throwing his arms around Adam.

"Wow, that was weird," Alli said. "Weren't you homophobic like five minutes ago?"

Drew rolled his eyes. "Nah, I just don't like Riley. And come on name _one _person who actually likes Riley."

"Zane?" Adam guessed.

"No one asked you," Drew said. "But I love you anyway."

Just then, Drew and Adam's mother barged into the room. "FIRST MY SON GETS THROWN OVER A MOUNTAIN AND NOW MY DAUGHTER IS A BOY? MY LIFE IS SO OVER!"

"Like oh my god I totally say that all the time," Alli said.

"WHO ASKED YOU?" Drew's mom demanded.

"Mom," Adam said. "Be reasonable."

She yelled some more and Adam walked away.

"Hey, Bianca," Adam said.

"Hey," Bianca said. "Are you here to give me a plotline that doesn't involve Alli?"

"All that and more," Adam said.

They flirted for two seconds until Bianca accidentally touched Adam's chest. "OH MY GOD YOU'RE A GIRL!"

"This is the twenty first century," Adam said. "If you have YouTube you have the resources necessary to figure out the difference between a girl and a transman."

"EEW!" Bianca screamed. "I AM SO NOT A LESBIAN!"

Many femslash fans started to cry and bury their Bianca/Jenna fics.

"You're disappointing a lot of people," Adam said. "Even still, I'm not a girl. I'm a guy."

"Yeah but I'd rather be a bitch to you than actually hear you out," Bianca said.

Adam sighed. "Look, Bianca. You've got two choices. One, you can accept that I'm a guy and actually give me a chance, _or _you can screw around with KC and enter yet another stupid boyfriend stealing plotline. Because I'm going to give it to you straight. You can't get Sav because the show thinks he's too good for you. Declan's in New York, Drew is with Alli, Eli is Clare's unspoken soul mate, Fitz and Owen aren't actually people because they're completely one-dimensional bullies, Riley and Zane are gay, and it'll be a cold day in hell before you'll date Dave, Connor, or Wesley. Hell I seriously fast forward through the parts where they show up. And KC's a cheating man-whore. Come on, Bianca. The show made us to be together."

Bianca rolled her eyes. "No, they made me to be a bitch to you. They made _Fiona _to be your girlfriend. Now fuck off."

"Fiona..." Adam thought out loud.

"Seriously, Adam," Drew said. "Who else? Alli's mine, Clare's Eli's and Eli is your best friend, Bianca's a total bitch, Holly J is too big and important of a character to be with anyone but the most popular guys ever, Anya is too cookie cutter for you and will probably take Sav back someday, Leia has no personality, Jenna's with KC, Fiona is perfect! Plus she's totally hot in a not-skanky and actually stands a chance at understanding you way."

Adam smiled. "Maybe. That'll make for a good dramatic plotline. Thanks, bro. You always know how to cheer me up."


	4. The Atlantaenea Chapter

A/N: I know a few of you are vocally Die For Our Ships (look it up on TV Tropes) for EClare. I don't have a problem with EClare, in fact I think they're one of the best canon couples in a while (so far) and I mean them no disrespect or ill will. This is just a fic and I'm not going to break them up so don't worry.

"You know, Clare," Eli said. "I don't think our relationship is working out."

Clare looked at him incredulously. "_Why_? We were cast for each other. If I didn't need a boyfriend, you wouldn't have mysteriously transferred here."

He raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure? Because last week, nine billion eight hundred and sixty two thousand four hundred and twenty three new girls showed up at Degrassi. They transferred here from fan fics and bad Harry Potter crossovers to replace you in my heart."

"What are you talking about?" Clare asked.

Just then, the most beautiful girl in the whole world showed up. Her hair billowed in the non-existent breeze like the cape of a vampire, the flow of melting chocolate down a spout, the soft whisper of rain in the breeze, the pale caress of...okay no one cares.

"Hey," Eli said. "What's your name?"

"My name is Atlantaenea Louiseetaeshkalaranasha Mariettaphroditia Garish but you can just call me Xanath, and I just transferred here," she said.

"That's funny because I thought we just _got _a new cast for season ten. Why are you suddenly transferring halfway through the season?"

"I just have a dark past," she brooded. "And I'm so much prettier than Clare that it's only natural that..."

"Eli!" Clare hissed. "This character is a stupid self-insert. She's just some randomly perfect Sue that some twelve-year-old created so she could write a fanfic about herself hooking up with you."

"OH IT'S TRUE!" Atlantaenea Louiseetaeshkalaranasha Mariettaphroditia Garish (commonly known as Xanath) said. "Oh Eli...I have been hiding this innermost secret of my heart for TWO PARAGRAPHS because I was afraid you wouldn't love me anymore if you found out."

"I don't love you anyway," Eli said. "I love Clare. Haven't you watched a single episode?"  
"No," she cried. "My creator starts squeeing and jumping up and down so loudly every time you show up on the scene I can barely hear a word that escapes your beautiful perfect godlike lips."

"Sexual acts begin in the mind," Clare said. "Stop talking that way before you say something you'll regret."

Eli frowned. "I feel bad for her. She's pretty nice for a Mary Sue. Maybe we should help her find a boyfriend."

Clare thought for a moment. "Well...since I stopped writing fanfiction about Declan, maybe I'll fanfic insert you into a new story and make you fall in love with him!"

"Oh thank you thank you!" Atlantaenea shouted. "Where is my beloved?"

Just then, Declan got back from his bus trip and was all, "hey where the fuck am I?"

"Degrassi," Clare said.

"Wow," Declan said. "Just LOOKING at that Mary Sue over there makes me totally forget how Holly J broke my heart into a million pieces, became best friends with my sister so I can't even _whine _to anyone about it and THEN hooked up with fucking SAV."

"I know," Atlantaenea giggled. "I kinda have a dark past though so don't get too close."

"I LIVE for dark pasts, whatever your name is," Declan brooded. "It is in my soul to figure out why you so hurt and heal you from the darkness of your soul."

"Teehee thanks," Atlantaenea said. "And call me Xanath."

"Xanax?" Declan asked. "Isn't that a sleep aid?"

"No, but the fanfictions about me sure are," Atlantaenea said.

Declan and Atlantaenea started feverishly making out and Clare and Eli went back to dancing around their feelings for each other in a rather endearing way.

"Declan," Atlantaenea said. "I want to let you in on a secret."

"Of course, Xanath," Declan said. "Anything."

"I'm a Mary Sue," Atlantaenea breathed. "I'm better than Holly J because I actually graduated from Oxford when I was three and was transferred here anyway because my parents thought I deserved a chance at a normal social life after...after..." she started to sob and ran out of the room. "IT'S TOO MUCH!"

"That's what happens when you date a Mary Sue," Eli shook his head. "I've done it far too many times."

"I know," Declan said. "Not as many times as Craig though. I can't _tell _you how many fanfiction ladies tried to derail the Ashley/Craig/Manny triangle in the day."

Meanwhile, KC was grunting at the coach. "COACH. Can you tell everyone my mom's a whore who gave me booze?"

"Uh...is that true?" the coach asked.

"FINE!" KC screamed. "BE THAT WAY!"

Then he went outside and wadded the coach's car into a ball and threw it at Drew.

"MY SON IS BEING TARGETED!" Drew's mother screamed. "THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU SINCE DAY ONE!"

"Mom, chill out," Adam said.

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, GRACIE!"

"Can you try actually remembering my name?" Adam asked. "I am kind of your kid..."

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT **YOU**, I CARE ABOUT _**THIS **_**FAMILY** OKAY? AND WHAT'S BEST FOR **THIS FAMILY** IS **YOU** HAVING TO MAKE YOURSELF COMPLETELY MISERABLE AND DRIVING YOURSELF INTO A DANGEROUS DEPRESSION SO I WON'T HAVE TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLE CONVERSATION WITH YOUR GRANDMOTHER! THIS IS ABOUT WHAT'S BEST FOR **THIS FAMILY**! "

"But since I'm technically a part of this family, your logic is completely out the window," Adam said.

"ENOUGH!" Adam and Drew's mom blared over the sound of Principal Simpson saying something unhelpful to try to make Mrs. Torres shut up.

_Alright_, enough of that. We need to pan away from one of the most interesting and tear-jerking plotlines Degrassi has had in years (in the writer's opinion) to focus more on _Dave_.

"Yo dudes, despite the fact that I have a completely shitty track record with the ladies, I am CERTAIN that I can get this random new hot teacher to dig me."

Connor sighed. "Okay...so let me get this straight. When I go for a fat cyber elf who's pretending to be sixteen, she's an evil pedophile and I need to get a life. But you getting with Ms. O is just _fine_."

Dave put his arm around Connor. "Connor, my man. Let me tell you something about double standards. No one cares _what_ kind of awful things a person is doing as long as they're hot."

"Well I don't care what you two think," Connor said. "What that fat thirty-year-old lady and I have is _love_!"

Wesley sighed. "Please tell me you're not going to end up going out with her in two episodes and getting a huge dramatic plotline about stranger danger."

Connor smiled. "My own plotline."

Just then, Atlantaenea came into the classroom looking nervous and shy because she has a big secret and that makes her TOTALLY different from a Mary Sue cuz Mary Sues are perfect and Atlantaenea isn't so SHUT UP (this is totally in every Sue fic ever).

"Uhm, Ms. O. I need to give you a note about my..._situation_."

KC listened intently. "I'll bet she's just the kind of girl to understand my brooding man angst."

"Kay SeEEEEEEEE-UHHHHH," Jenna said. "I can't BELIEVE you."

"Stop bouncing, Jenna," Ms. O said. "And Dave, stop drooling."

"She digs me," Dave said. "That's why she picks on me."

"Dave, put a paper bag over your head so I won't have to look at your annoying face anymore," Ms. O said.

"Oh yeah," Dave said. "She's showing me her kinks."

"For FUCK'S sake..." Wesley threw his hands down onto the desk. "To have your confidence, man."

Meanwhile, outside, Adam started to explain his situation to Eli and Clare. "So the teachers all got notes at the beginning of the year about my _situation_," Adam said.

"That's nothing," Atlantaenea said, stepping out of the shade and into the light. "Compared to my secret."

Eli groaned. "So what? You're glittering which can only mean one thing which is of course that you're a crossover Sue and are really some twelve-year-old's bastardization of Stephenie Meyer's vampires as if it's humanly possible to bastardize them. We're in the middle of something important."

Clare was mildly impressed but only because she's a _Fortnight _fan and by the way it isn't obvious that _Fortnight _is a parody of _Twilight_.

"I NEVER wanted to share my secret," Atlantaenea started bawling. "But I HAVE TO! I transferred here from Hogwarts after they sent me a special letter. Dumbledore decided to send me a special letter in his politically correct campaign to have at least one vampire transfer student every year except I just _couldn't _keep my terrible secret that I'm in love with Edward Cullen. And now that he's with Bella, I have to hit on Declan because his eyebrows are _almost _as bushy as Robert Pattinson's."

"Are you _done_?" Adam asked.

Atlantaenea ran off bawling since obviously Adam didn't understand her pain.

"Damn, they sure interrupt my big episode with the strangest things," Adam said.

Atlantaenea ran to Declan. "OH DECLAN! I must confess my terrible secret."

"What?" he asked.

"I'm a vampire from Hogwarts," she said.

"Oh Xanath," he said, remembering her preferred name. "That's almost stupid enough to make me dump you for Holly J except now that she's inexplicably with SAV OF ALL FUCKING PEOPLE HOLY SHIT IS THERE A SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH WHO WANTS THEM TOGETHER COME THE FUCK ON I don't really have that option."

"Oh Declan," Atlantaenea said. "You're the best."

"Well, Hogwarts is a private school," Declan said. "YES!" For ten minutes, Declan jumped up and down singing and dancing about the fact that he wouldn't need two full episodes to justify his love for Atlantaenea (or Xanath for short) to his mildly classist mother.

Oh and then Sav and Holly J kissed to some shitty music and every Sanya, Folly J (Fiona/Holly J), Dolly J, and Siley (Sav/Riley...haven't seen it but it must exist) or Seter (Sav/Peter) fan in the world started bawling hysterically or throwing up.

"You know Holly J," Sav said super romantically. "You know even though I used to think you were a cold-hearted bitch trying to come between me and the love of my life, you are by far the _only _plausible romantic option for me right now."

"Oh, Sav," Holly J said. "Since I'm too much the _It _girl this season to be put in a lesbian relationship with Fiona, you're the only plausible romantic option for me TOO."

"But we're keeping it casual to build up a lot of false hope and tension in the fans, right?" Sav asked.

"Oh Sav," Holly J said dreamily. "You're a great guy."

And then Fiona was like, "WHY the fuck are you dating Sav?"

And then Canada was like, "WHY the fuck is she dating Sav?"

And then America was like, "WHY the fuck is she dating Sav?"

And then England was like, "BLOODY HELL."

And then Holly J was like, "Fiona, you're just jealous."

And then Fiona was like, "dude...I'm dealing with major emotional crises. Do you really have time for a relationship on top of SAT prep, advanced classes, student council, a bazillion extracurriculars, a part-time job, college applications to _Yale_ which are usually ten pages long and involve at least three essays, a majorly stressful life-changing event like adjusting to apartment life and financial troubles, _and _a best friendship with a recent abuse victim?"

And then Holly J was like, "it's Degrassi. I'm only overwhelmed by my completely unrealistic work load that would reasonably leave _anyone_ zero hours of sleep EVER when it's convenient to the plot."

And then Fiona sat in the hallway by herself being sad (again) because the show likes to do that to her. "If only the show would do something like pair me with Adam so I wouldn't have to pine over Holly J and/or Declan (whichever you, the reader, prefer) anymore."

Just then, Atlantaenea entered the room. "Oh Fiona," she said breathily. "I care about you. You seem like just the person to realize that despite how your life sucks my pain is actually seventy billion twelve thousand eight hundred and eighty six point nine nine three times worse than yours."

"Xanath, I'm too strong of a character to be swayed by a Mary Sue," Fiona said.

Just then, Atlantaenea's heart broke into a million billion gazillion trillion pieces.

Just then, Principal Simpson's voice could be heard on the intercom. "Degrassi, we are about to reach THE BORING POINT. Drama levels are critically low. Please...go to the nearest attractive person and start some ridiculous crap immediately."

..._To be continued._


	5. The Connor Chapter

A/N: Thanks to all reviewers, particularly glow vomit for encouraging more parallels between Eli and Harold. Also, this is a parody of _Tears Dry On Their Own _parts 1 and 2 so don't read if you haven't seen. Also, I make fun of EVERYONE in this chapter. It doesn't mean I hate them.

Jenna and Alli were stressing over Jenna's ill-fitted clothing when Alli came to a startling conclusion. "You know, Jenna. There hasn't been a pregnancy plotline since JT and Liberty and that was _seasons_ ago."

"So?" Jenna asked. "What does that have to do with me?"

"I'm just saying," Alli said. "You're like the fattest girl on this show since Terri. I'm worried."

Jenna gasped. "I know! I'm huge."

Granted, Jenna is actually not fat _at all_. In fact, even Terri was not what many people would refer to as "fat" and for the numerous teens out there who are legitimately dealing with obesity, Jenna is probably a huge insult to their struggle considering she's a perfectly normally sized teenager. But anyway, back to Jenna whining about how fat she is.

"Have you and KC been sexually active?" Alli asked.

"Well yeah," Jenna said. "I mean...do you really think KC dumped St. Clare for _me_ because of my intelligence and winning personality?"

Alli sighed. "Good point. Okay...so are you safe?"

Just then, the two girls looked out the window to see KC setting something on fire and grunting.

"The network wants to crush the three KClare fans still out there by making him a completely unlikable douche bag so that teenage girls can cum in their pants over Eli next episode without feeling guilty for betraying KC," Jenna said. "So in other words, no."

"Oh," Alli nodded. "I see. Well, that is very important since Harold...er...Eli is the most insane estrogen brigade bait since Craig."

"Whatever, what am I gonna do?" Jenna asked.

"Actually get a pregnancy test and deal with your issues?" Alli asked.

"Nah," Jenna smiled. "I'm going to try out for Next Teen Star so that _Degrassi_ can capitalize on all the _Instant Star_ fans who are sad that their show is over."

So Jenna went and did that and KC didn't show up until the last minute because he had a football game or something.

Meanwhile, back with Connor, whose plotline people ACTUALLY care about for a change.

"So hot stuff," a morbidly obese woman with ratty hair, no makeup, and horrible fashion sense said to Connor. "You miss me?"

"Lots," Connor grinned. "Let's hang out."

"SWEET!" the morbidly obese woman started jumping up and down and squeeing like a fourteen-year-old.

"Dude man that's whack," Dave said. "You need to find yourself a girlfriend who isn't fat."

"She's not fat," Connor said.

"Your girlfriend's so fat that when she lies around the house, she lies _a-ROUND_ the house," Dave said.

"Shut up!" Connor said.

"No really I mean, she's _so _fat she saw a yellow school bus and said STOP THAT TWINKIE!"

"_Dave_!" Connor said.

"I mean she's so fat that when she rides in a hot air balloon she looks like she's wearing tights!" Dave said.

"You don't understand!" Connor said, storming out of the room.

Wesley sighed. "Yo momma jokes? Really? You really thought that would help save Connor from this season's dangerous pedophile?"

"They weren't yo momma jokes, they were yo internet girlfriend jokes!" Dave defended.

"Whatever," Wesley said.

"And geez they spared _nothing_ in making that woman look like a huge slob," Dave said. "I mean, I get that stranger danger is serious business but _damn_ I mean...she does NOT have an alibi she is straight up UGLY. I mean...U-G-L-Y, she is UGLY. She has ugly clothes, her hair is ugly, her face is ugly...fuck...she's not a butterface, she's like a buttereverything. She's like what you'd get if they put a wig and some breasts on that guy from the World of War Craft episode of _South Park_. I mean, damn, she is like THE most stereotypical internet creep I have _ever_ seen _in my life_."

"Maybe we should focus more on keeping Connor _away_ from her than on how ugly she is," Wesley said.

"No," Dave said. "You are going to stand here and LISTEN to the funny things I have to say about how ugly she is."

Wesley sighed. "Okay."

"That woman is so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday," Dave said.

"Dave," Wesley sighed.

"She is so ugly she had to make an account on an online video game and pretend to be sixteen to have _any _chance at getting laid," Dave said.

"That's not funny," Wesley said. "That's just true."

"Oh," Dave frowned. "Yeah I guess you're right."

After Jenna ended up being super amazing at auditions, KC showed up and was all, "I'm SO PROUD OF YOU! Now let's go eat! Man I'm so GLAD that everything is perfect in my life and that you are the cherry on my awesome sundae! You know what really tops this all off? The fact that you aren't pregnant which means I don't have to break up with you and storm off in a big pouty huff."

They hugged for a few minutes and then she threw up on his shoes. "Sorry," she said. "Just nerves."

"Sweet," KC said. "Let's go put some food in you."

Just then, Atlantaenea came screaming from the audition room. "KC KC KC KC I did eighty bazillion nine hundred and twenty six times better than Jenna!"

"Good for you Atlantaenea," KC growled.

"Call me Xanath," she said.

"She's trying to steal you away from me!" Jenna said.

"Don't worry, babe," KC said. "Nothing in the world could take me away from you."

"KC," Jenna sighed. "I'm pregnant."

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, EXCEPT THAT!" KC said, picking up Jenna's guitar and beating an extra over the head with it.

"KC!" Jenna said. "Please don't act like an insanely irrational overreacting jackass. We can talk about this."

"I am _NOT _overreacting!" KC said, as fire shot out of his mouth. "Just abort it and I'll still love you."

"I have to think about it," Jenna said.

Just then, a guy who looks nothing like Jenna showed up. "Hey little sis," he said, to indicate to the audience how the fuck he knows her.

"Hey," she said.

"Ready to go to the room in the big Degrassi set building that serves as a hospital, a nurse's office, and probably a bedroom depending on what episode we're shooting?"

She sighed. "Ready as I'll ever be."

They went to Degrassi hospital where Riley was hitting on Anya's mother's _cancer_ doctor who has nothing better to do (like deal with people's cancer) than talk to Riley and Anya about his love life, and Jenna got a sonogram.

"You're twenty weeks pregnant," the doctor said. "Shit girl, how did you NOT notice you were pregnant?"

"Haven't you ever seen that TLC program, _I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant_?" Jenna's brother asked. "There are people who like...think they have to pee, get up in the middle of the night, and plop out a baby, sometimes straight into the toilet. It's disgusting, really, but it happens."

"Yeah well those people are usually fifteen times the size of Connor's girlfriend," the doctor said.

"I was in denial," Jenna said. "I have a boyfriend who keys people's cars when they piss him off, no real friends except Alli, and the ENTIRE world thinks I'm the least likable character in the history of Degrassi. _Rick_ has more fans than me. Hell I think people like _Chester_ better than me. I couldn't handle one more thing going wrong."

"Well, I have absolutely no compassion for you," the doctor said. "You shoulda sucked it up and come down here the second you missed your period. Geez you are a terrible mother and a terrible human being. You shouldn't even be alive. You know what? I'll bet it's your fault that the United States is still at war with Iraq. You're just the kind of dumb screw up to cause something like that. I mean...geez...if I could have a nickel for every stupid thing you've ever done, I could pay the court fees to get you a _safe_ late term abortion."

"Yeah, she just found out she's twenty weeks pregnant and is about to lose her boyfriend, why don't you be a total jerk to her?" Jenna's brother said.

"Okay," the doctor grinned. "Jenna you're a slut. No one likes you better than Clare so just stop trying to be a legitimate character."

"I was being facetious," Jenna's brother said.

It was unclear why the doctor was that unbelievably nasty to a girl who just had an emotional bomb dropped on her, but it was probably because this show doubles as a big series of aesops for impressionable teens and wanted to make getting pregnant look like a bad idea to anyone who wasn't sure about that one. Anyway. So, with her self-esteem already ripped to shreds, Jenna went to talk to KC. "You gonna abort it?" KC asked.

"KC, I can't," Jenna said.

"WHY THE FUCK NOT?" KC asked. "FUCK YOU! DON'T I GET A SAY IN WHAT YOU DO TO YOUR BODY?"

"I'm twenty weeks pregnant," Jenna said.

"WELL BECAUSE YOU WERE JUST STUPID AND SCARED AND DIDN'T GO TO THE DOCTOR _EPISODES _AGO, OUR_ LIVES ARE FUCKED_! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU KNEW THAT SEVENTEEN EPISODES INTO THE SEASON WAS TOO LATE TO GET AN ABORTION, BUT YOU JUST HAD TO WAIT THAT LONG TO TRY AND TRAP ME INTO PARENTHOOD SO I WOULDN'T CHEAT ON YOU WITH BIANCA, IS THAT IT?"

"No," Jenna said. "Honestly Teen Nick's forums made it sound like _I _was going to cheat on _you _with Bianca. I'm actually really surprised that instead of going with that plotline which might have made me marginally interesting they instead went with yet _another_ teen pregnancy plot."

KC's nostrils flared. "ALL I DID WAS BE RATIONAL AND SUPPORTIVE AND YOU JUST DECIDED TO LIE TO ME AND GROW A SECRET KID!"

Jenna sighed. "Rational? You wadded up someone's car and threw it over a mountain two chapters ago. Can't you see why I might have been a _little _intimidated to tell you about my pregnancy?"

"I DON'T CARE!" KC bellowed, his nostrils flaring with rage. "YOU TAKE YOUR LOGIC AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! I DON'T NEED YOU!"

"So you're just going to make me be a teen parent all by myself?" Jenna asked. "That would make you the biggest dick since...fuck I don't even think there's ever _been _a recurring character that dickish on Degrassi before."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T LET ME HAVE A SAY IN THIS!" KC screamed with very flared nostrils. "WHY THE FUCK SHOULD YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR OWN BODY?"

"Uhm because it's my body," Jenna said. "And seriously, KC, the pro-choice argument is that the _woman_ has the right to choose, not that her boyfriend gets to go ballistic and try to force her into an abortion."

"MY LIFE IS HANGING TOGETHER BY TAPE, JENNA! I CAN'T DEAL WITH YOU!" KC said, shooting fire out his flaring nostrils.

And yes, that was _actually _what KC said in the episode, but it was so stupid I just couldn't leave it out of the parody.

"YOUR life is hanging by tape?" Jenna asked. "I'm pregnant, my dad isn't around, my mom is unspeakable and will probably become some gut-wrenching plotline a season from now, and pretty soon the _entire country_ is going to know me as the pregnant teenager because I'm going to be a teen star. _YOU _have a mom who cooks all your favorite food, you're on the football team, everyone likes you for some inconceivable reason, and you're not about to get huge. So what the hell is your problem?"

KC's nostrils flared with rage and fervent fury. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO MAKE MY NOSTRILS FLARE IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION FOR YOU TO GET THAT WE'RE OVER?"

"KC!" Jenna said, tears streaming from her eyes. "Don't do this!"

"GOODBYE, JENNA! Get out of here before I assault someone with a baseball bat."

Jenna was getting bored with KC's scripted violent outbursts and got into the car with her brother. "How'd it go?' her brother asked.

"He acted like a complete jackass," Jenna said.

"Oh well," her brother said. "Look, I know this is the only episode where we've ever interacted, but I'm going to be there for you and look out for you."

Jenna smiled. "Thanks."

*Meanwhile, back with Connor*

"They tried to take you away from me like I'm some kind of insane child molesting creeposexual!" Love Queen or whatever the fuck Connor's online stalker's name was as they stood in line together for some expansion pack next to some really depressing representations of cosplay nerds that made us all look like we have no social lives and are never going to get laid.

"I'm sorry," Connor said. "You really understand me."

"I know," she said. "I know what it's like to have no life outside of this video game. I'm perfect for you."

"Yeah, as friends," Connor grinned.

"Of course," she said, with a flash of homicidal rage in her eyes.

"It's like, during the day I'm just the annoying guy who's only on the show so they can keep using the set they built for Emma Nelson's bedroom. But by night, I'm a super awesome video game character with a super awesome Love Queen to be...friends with."

Love Queen growled at the word "friends." "I know," she smiled. "I never thought I'd get another acting job, and thanks to you I'm _finally_ on TV! Connor, I think we're meant to be."

"Dude Connor, stop hanging out with that fat bitch," Dave said.

"Oh, are these your friends?" she asked. "Should I go?"

She left. "Connor. How the FUCK did you think she was sixteen? EVER? You did voice chat in that online game you two were playing, right? She sounds FORTY. How in the FUCK did you mistake her for sixteen?"

Connor shrugged. "I dunno."

Mr. Simpson arrived just as Love Queen was leaving. "Okay Connor, listen up. You are my godson and I am NOT letting anything happen to you, you got that?"

"You don't understand me!" Connor said.

So he ran off to an empty computer to find Love Queen so they could keep chatting. "Listen, the world doesn't understand us," Connor said.

"Has anyone written any hot fanfiction about us yet?" Love Queen giggled.

They both looked and found that no one on Earth finds either of them hot, especially together. "Darn," Connor said.

"Give it time," Love Queen said.

"Can you come pick me up?" Connor asked.

"I can do all that and more," Love Queen said.

So Love Queen pulled up in her SUV and the audience gasped that she wasn't one of those nerds in her parents' basements who still gets rides from mommy and daddy. Wow, she has a car. Way to subvert expectations.

"So," Love Queen said, rubbing Connor's thigh. "What do you say I sexually assault you right here in this parking lot?"

Connor edged away. "What the hell?"

"Okay then," she said. "We'll go back to my place and _then_ I'll start creeping on you."

"Uhm how about you stop touching me?" Connor suggested.

She laughed. "Oh, silly, you've never had a friend before. That's what friends do."

"Uh...no, that's what child molesters do," Connor said.

"Oh REALLY now?" Love Queen demanded. "I supported you with your asperger's and the second you find out I'm a child molester you wanna take off! You little hypocrite."

"Dude, there are so many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to start," Connor said.

She sighed. "Oh come on. Don't you think I'm attractive anymore?"

She started touching him in ways that made most fans _very _uncomfortable and Connor barely managed to fight her off, jerked the door open, and bolted out of the car. He ran straight into Eli who had been walking with a really sexy _I don't care/leave me alone_ look on his face.

"Hey dude," Eli said sexily, as he landed on his ass in a very sexy way.

"Hey," Connor said.

"Rough day?" Eli asked quite sexily.

"Yeah," Connor said. "I fell for a forty-year-old fat chick and she turned out to be a child molester."

Eli sighed in a pretty sexy way. "That's okay. I once fell in love with a septuagenarian who killed herself so I'd learn to live life to the fullest."

"Wait!" Connor said. "I saw that movie! Except wasn't the guy who dated the seventy-nine-year-old lady named _Harold_? And didn't he total his hearse in the end?"

"Shut up!" Eli said in a very sexily defensive way.

"Sorry," Connor said.

"He had to ditch his hearse to give that incredibly depressing movie a happy ending," Eli said, in a manner that many a girl and occasional guy found oh so very sexy. "And Degrassi thought I was sexier _with_ the hearse than without the hearse. Don't worry, man. The pain gets easier over time."

And then Eli walked away in the sexiest way possible. To many of his fans, he could probably be walking like a chicken and still be walking in the sexiest way possible.

And then Mr. Simpson and Ms. Oh showed up. "Connor, we've decided to give you your computer back," Mr. Simpson said. "But from now on, no child molesters, okay?"

Connor sighed. "_Fine_."

And then he was surrounded by friends and realized that people loved him and he didn't need a fat creepy ass child molester to make him happy. And then Mr. Simpson called the police and got the pedophile in trouble and they all lived happily ever after except Riley who can't get his boyfriend back, Jenna who's pregnant, KC who's a jackass, Clare who can't read Eli's sexy mixed signals, Eli who doesn't know what he wants, all the femslash fans who were hoping Jenna's secret was something a bit more gay, and...well basically everyone.

And then Riley made a comment about how Peter _might_ not be totally straight and a few Piley fans went nuts.

And then Fiona walked into the Media Immersion room and was like, "what's going on?"

"We're celebrating sending the police after my pedophile girlfriend," Connor grinned.

"Wait, so you mean we still have to wait _two or three more episodes_ for my court date with Bobby and your girlfriend's just getting arrested the SAME episode she creeped on you?"

"Yep," Connor said.

"And all you had to do was _tell _your family someone was abusing you and they believed you _immediately_?" Fiona asked incredulously.

"YEP!" Connor said. "My life is awesome."

"So you mean to tell me the writers of this show are nicer to _Connor_ than they are to me," Fiona sighed.

"And we realized we were being unfair to him and decided to take his asperger's into consideration and give him the love, support, and respect he needs by not just making drastic changes to his life on a moment's notice," Mr. Simpson beamed.

Fiona fell onto a vacant bouncy ball chair thing. "So..._your_ family takes your psychological health into consideration before making decisions instead of just calling you dramatic while you're being beaten and then wondering why you don't want to live with them anymore."

"Yep!" Connor said.

"And now they're going out of their way to spend loads of time with you, and Declan couldn't even take me into consideration long enough to realize that ignoring me every single day for the entire summer might make me depressed. GOD this show."

Declan ran into the room. "Oh Fiona! I will never ignore you again. Blood is thicker than water and you are my very raison d'être! Oh, Fi! How will I ever make it up to you for having been so blind to your needs?"

And then Atlantaenea showed up and he started feverishly making out with her.

"Hey, Declan," Fiona said. "I wanted to talk to you about..."

"Sorry Fi," Declan said. "This one's my soul mate."

"I thought Holly J was your soul mate!" Fiona said.

"That was last season baby," Declan said, continuing to make out with Atlantaenea. "Besides, I have to constantly make out with random chicks to prove to the audience that I'm not in love with you."

"Xanath HIT ON ME last chapter," Fiona said. "She is _not _your soul mate."

"Fiona, if you're ready to stop making up stories I'm ready to occasionally be nice to you and _sometimes _believe you in your times of crisis while giving lip service to caring about you," Declan said. "Can you grow up and do that _for me_?"

Fiona sighed. "You know what, _NO_. If Adam doesn't fall madly in love with me in the next five episodes I am going to derail Holly J and Sav and make Holly J mine. I am sick of being a no-plotline character who never gets a shot at a decent relationship and everyone else treats like shit."

Declan sighed. "Fiona, you're going CRAZY and I don't know how to help you!"

Before he could finish getting upset, Fiona got the hell out of there.

"Wow, what a bitch," Atlantaenea said. "All you do is reach out to her and all she does is ignore you."

"Yeah, she's a psycho," Declan said. "Let's make out some more."

_On the next episode of THE BORING POINT..._

_ "Clare and Eli make out a whole lot," a dramatic announcer voice said._

_ The camera cut to a scene of Clare and Eli look intensely at each other. "Let's make out a whole lot!" Clare said._

_ "Okay," Eli said super duper sexily._

_ They made out a whole lot and then the camera faded. "But Eli has a DARK secret," the announcer said._

_ The camera returned to Eli. "I want to make out with you Clare, it's just that I have a dark secret. One that will make me even sexier than I already am."_

_ "You can talk to me!" Clare yelled, for all the good that's ever done her in relationships with misunderstood bad boys._

_ "But will that be enough to keep this show from recycling old plotlines and distracting us from the few good ones with truckloads of filler?" the announcer asked. "Find out on the ALL NEW Degrassi: The BORING POINT." _

_ Coming whenever I see the next episodes and have time to write another chapter! _


	6. The Eli Chapter

"Hey Zane hey Zane hey Zane hey ZAAAAAAAAAAANEEEE!" Owen said with a stupid look on his face.

"What?" Zane asked flatly.

"You're _GAY_!" Owen said. "Get it? Get it? It's like...you're _gay_! Get it? Cuz you know, you're gay? That's why it's funny! Cuz you're gay!"

Riley erupted into laughter and was blown away when Zane didn't. "Damn, you didn't think that was funny, Zane? That was comedic gold!"

Zane shrugged. "I'll see you later, football Riley."

"Zane, WAIT! I wanted to tell you you're a big gaywad fruitpie."

"Leave me alone!" Zane said.

"HEY what did I SAY?" Riley called after the guy who inexplicably put up with a relationship with him for an episode or two last season.

Thankfully for Riley, who had a big _what's his problem _look on his face, Anya had no friends except Leia who really doesn't have a personality yet, so she had plenty of free time to give Riley worldly dating advice and was waiting outside the locker room to do just that.

"I _tried_ talking to Zane," Riley pouted. "But it's like no matter _what_ I say it's the wrong thing."

Anya gave him an optimistic smile. "Maybe you're just being too much of a homophobic jackass."

"Oh _come on_," Riley whined. "I _like_ being a homophobic jackass. I don't see why Zane doesn't."

"Because he's _gay_?" Anya suggested.

"Oh...that," Riley chuckled. "Well...I don't see why being gay means you don't like homophobic bigotry. If only there was _some_ way for me to comprehend this insanely complex concept."

"Well it's your lucky day because right behind you there's a flier for a seminar on homophobia," Anya said.

Riley pouted some more. "But that sounds really _gay_!"

"And so is Zane," Anya reminded him. "And if you want him back, you better be too!"

The camera zoomed in on Riley's bewildered _WHAT WILL I DO NOW? _expression.

Du-du-DA-do-DA-do-DAAA-do-DAA-dooo

WUDDEVER IT TAKES!

AH KNOW AH CAN MAYK IT THROUGH

A WOO-OO

IF AH HOLD OUT

AH KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH

A WOO-OOO-OOOOO-OOOOO-OOOOOOOOO

BE THA BEST!

THUH BEST THAT _AH CAYUN BE_

WUDDEVER IT TAKES!

AH KNOW AH CAN MAKE I-UH-T

AH CAN MAKE IT

AH CAN MAKE IT THROUGH

A WOO-OOOOO

WUDDEVER IT TAKES

AH KNOW AH CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!

And then Alli turned around and the _Degrassi_ logo came off her jacket and people were like, "WHAT THE FUCK? Isn't the character who gets that honor usually someone really cool like Marco or Jane or something as in _anyone but fucking Alli_?" (Credit to gschulte for this idea).

_Da duh da da da duh da duh da da da duh_

Anyway, moving on.

"Hey Adam," Clare said. "Man believe it or not you are SO much better with boy advice than Alli who's inexplicably ignoring me to spend time with Jenna who she used to not even like."

"Uh, thanks?" Adam said.

"So anyway," Clare said dreamily. "Eli and I were cast for each other, right?"

"Uhh...I guess," Adam said.

"So..._when's he gonna admit he likes me_?" Clare asked.

Adam sighed. "You know I don't exactly have any track record of success with romance. Bianca turned out to be a huge bitch much to the dismay of everyone who found her hot which was a large percentage of the male as well as female viewership and I haven't been introduced to Fiona yet. Why are you asking me?"

"Because you're available," Clare said giddily.

"Now I feel special," Adam said.

"Oh come on now Adam, we all love ya. So when's Eli gonna fall madly in love with me and ask me out and take me on a big romantic date where we make out in the back of his big sexy hearse?"

"You know, it's the twenty-first century. We have this thing called feminism. You can ask _him_ out if you want," Adam said.

"Oh, right," Clare said. "Thanks Adam, you're the best."

"Anytime," Adam sighed.

"Okay class!" the English teacher said as Eli slumped into his seat in a way that made teen heart rates speed. "I've conveniently assigned you all scenes from Romeo and Juliet. I notice that there are a few _relationships _in this classroom that need some kind of deus ex machina excuse to happen and I decided let's _Carpe Diem_!"

Clare started to squeal with delight. "Oh Adam! She's talking about me and Eli!"

"Yeah we know," Adam said.

"So," Eli said attractively. "I didn't hear a word of all that gossip between you and Adam despite the fact that I've been sitting right here, so I'm just going to assume everything's totally normal and cool. What are we doing for our project."

"I'm going to act as wingman...err...camera man while you two genderstraight heterosexuals act out a love scene," Adam said.

"Sounds good," Eli said.

Clare started to squeal in a more girly way than usually could be attributed to Clare due to the fact that Eli is so hot that a disproportionate number of fanfiction users changed their usernames to something involving his name.

So then they all went to the park and Eli drank some poisonous high fructose corn syrup cola and then Eli and Clare made out while Adam videotaped it. This isn't a porno, this is a school project.

The scene faded and Riley arrived at the homophobia event and sat next to Zane. "What are you doing here?" Zane asked.

"Trying to stop being a complete jackass," Riley said.

"Oh Riley," Zane said. "You're cute when you're trying not to be a complete jackass."

So then the speaker was like, "how many of you have been hurt by _harmless _homophobia?"

"SEE?" Riley asked. " HARMLESS?"

"Riley," the speaker said. "Homophobia is not harmless. Zane, why don't you give a moving speech to that effect?"

"Okay," Zane stood up. "Homophobia makes me feel otherized. It hurts. I can usually just let it roll right off me but then my closeted gay boyfriend who's on the football team with me keeps acting like a jackass and _that's_ what hurts the most."

"FUCK. People are going to know it's me!" Riley said.

"Don't worry," Zane said. "There are a lot of jackasses on the football team who doth protest too much. No one's going to know it's you."

"Good point," Riley said. "I'm sorry I've been a complete asshole to you."

"Thanks," Zane said.

"So now, you and me, we'll be together for EVER," Riley said.

And then Atlantaenea came in and wrapped her arms seductively around Riley. "You know I was born intersex and had a miraculously successful surgery that didn't leave me with any confusion or emotional damage or faint masculine characteristics. That means I'm not totally a girl but since no one but you and me even knows that, you can be with me and technically be gay but also look straight to everyone who gives a damn."

So then Riley started kissing her and Zane stormed out of the room. "ZANE, what did I DO?" Riley asked, punching a hole in a locker.

"Chill man," KC said. "You're going to turn into me."

"When did you get here?" Riley asked.

"LOOK SHUT UP, MY LIFE IS HANGING TOGETHER BY TAPE!" he screamed, before running off to disappoint some Bianca/Adam and Bianca/Jenna fans by throwing himself at her.

And then Declan ran into the room going, "where is my Juliette?" except his Juliette (who prefers to be called Xanath) was all over Riley.

And Declan was like, "DUDE...my sister who inexplicably has amazing gaydar despite not being gay herself of course told me you were gay."

"Well maybe love isn't about gender for me, alright?" Riley bellowed.

"Yeah I know that's been the subject of plenty of fanfiction written by straight girls but...come on. Xanath is my girlfriend," Declan said.

"So that's her name," Riley said. "I have trouble with girl's names."

"Yeah well don't sweat it," Declan said. "Hers kind of makes no sense."

Riley smiled. "Yeah no shit."

Then Atlantaenea started to cry. "Declan, I can't _BELIEVE_ you! After all we've been through together, you think my name _makes no sense_? I thought you UNDERSTOOD."

"_I THINK YOU'RE A MARY SUE, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU_!" Declan wailed.

Atlantaenea burst into tears and ran out of the room.

"Good for you!" Riley said. "You brought your weird girlfriend in here and now Zane's pissed at me."

"Hey man I didn't do _anything_," Declan said.

"Fuck I gotta go find Zane!" Riley said.

So Riley ran halfway across the parking lot to find Zane.

"Geez," Zane said to himself. "I feel so much better knowing this is the _last time_ I'll ever have to break up with that jackass. Whatever he says the next time we see each other, I am NOT taking him back."

"!" Riley screamed before Zane could get into his car.

"What?" Zane asked.

"Xanath was a Mary Sue," Riley panted. "I was completely out of character. I swear, what Xanath and I had was just a fanfic and it will never happen again! What you and I have is canon and nothing can take that away from us."

"Except the occasional fanfiction that's written better than the actual show," Zane said.

"Yeah but fanfiction writers don't get PAID!" Riley said. "People get _paid_ to write all the shit I say to you Zane and that means we're supposed to be together."

After seeing the logic in that, Zane could only come to one conclusion. "Riley, I wanna take you back."

And then the next day Owen was like, "la la la I'm the ugliest guy at Degrassi and I use gay bashing to hide my insecurities. HEY RILEY, look at this bus!"

The bus said something homophobic about Riley. "I'll KILL YOU!" Riley screamed, before punching the shit out of Owen.

"Riley, don't you understand that on Degrassi whenever you beat someone up there are serious consequences because this show serves as a series of moral aesops for teens out in the real world?" Zane asked.

"I don't _care_ Zane! I'm teaching him a lesson!" Riley said.

"You CAN'T teach a homophobe not to be a homophobe by punching him in the face. That just makes him more homophobic!" Zane said.

"Nuh uh!" Riley said, before stomping off.

The scene faded back to Clare and Adam sitting in class together.

"So where the fuck is Eli?" Clare asked. "I know he's dark and mysterious but if he keeps skipping class whenever it's convenient to the plot he's going to fail this year."

Adam thought about this for a moment. "Yeah well, Degrassi likes failing kids. It keeps them on the show longer."

"I know but..._dammit where is he_? School is completely boring without him," Clare lamented.

"And I'm just chopped liver?" Adam asked.

"Of COURSE not, we love you!" Clare said. "But where's _Eli_? It's like he has some dark mysterious secret or something that he's not telling me."

"But Clare _I _have a dark mysterious secret," Adam said.

"Yeah but you and I weren't cast for each other," Clare reminded him. "Don't worry, even if Fiona doesn't end up wanting you, Degrassi always creates a new character whenever LGBT kids are single for too long. I mean, why do you think Zane's on the show?"

"You think so?" Adam asked.

"I know so," Clare said. "Now _where _is ELI?"

So then later Eli was standing outside his hearse playing loud Goth music.

_I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE_

_ I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING_

_ I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE..._

Yes, these were the actual lyrics blaring from his hearse.

"Hey Eli!" Clare yelled. "Do you care about me?"

Eli pointed to his stereo which was going:

_I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE_

_ ABOUT ANYTHING! I DON'T CARE I DON'T CARE_

Clare turned it off, hoping it would break the spell. "ELI! Either you like me or you're a sociopath who likes toying with my feelings and Degrassi would never cast a guy as hot as you in a recurring role just to make him a sociopath."

"Well, there's a first time for everything," Eli said. "Sorry I wasted your time."

And then Clare was very upset as was everyone else on the planet. But no one was directly mad at Eli because they figured his dark secret accounted for most of this behavior.

And then Adam showed up at Eli's house and was like, "DUDE, it's offensive!"

"What?" Eli asked.

"Do you know how_ hard _it is for me to get a girlfriend?" Adam asked. "I show up at this school and the first girl I like gets me thrown through a glass door. Whereas _you _just get the perfect girlfriend _dropped in your lap_ and you just angst and brood your head off instead of getting with her."

"Adam!" Eli said. "Brooding your head off is _SEXY_ to women. Why do you think people like _Twilight_?"

"This isn't _like_ you Eli," Adam said. "You're a funny interesting Goth boy, not an angry Edward Cullen rip off!"

"I am NOT acting like Edward Cullen!" Eli brooded. "I'm just telling the girl who likes me that I'm dangerous and she should stay away from me and that we can't be friends despite the fact that she is extremely understanding and interested in doing whatever she has to to make us work."

"That's really not helping your case," Adam said. "And anyway, seriously, just TELL CLARE about Maude."

"I can't!" Eli said. "What will she think?"  
"Well you told Connor last chapter so it's only a matter of time before Clare finds out," Adam said. "Think about it."

And then the scene faded back to Riley, who was waiting for Zane at the dot.

"Hey Zane," Riley said. "What are you doing in a dumpster, that's gross!"

"I'm in here because _YOU _pissed off some homophobes and then they wanted to rough me up! Fuck you!" Zane said.

"No Zane let me help. I'm a helpful guy!" Riley said.

"A HELPFUL guy?" Zane asked. "You pretty much sexually assaulted both Fiona AND Chantay last season AND punched out a gay guy and now you punched out a straight guy for being mean to straight guys. All you ever do is get really violent and angry. I swear, you're like the gay KC."

"I am NOT THE GAY KC!" Riley bellowed, picking up the dumpster and throwing it fifty feet so that it landed on top of Owen.

And then the scene faded back to Adam and Clare hanging out by their lockers. "Hey Adam. I'm totally gonna break all your stuff if you don't tell me where Eli lives."

"Don't break all my stuff!" Adam said. "That would make you a huge bitch."

"Well tell me where he lives!" Clare said.

"Fine," Adam said.

And then Clare showed up at Eli's house and he was like, "DAMMIT."

"Eli, we need to talk," Clare said.

"Stay away from me, I'm dangerous," Eli said.

"You're not dangerous, you're a nice guy," Clare said.

"NO, Clare. Look how sexy I am. It's a curse. I'm sexy so I can lure you in and it's ridiculous! As if you can outrun me! As if you could fight me off! I'm a monster," Eli said.

"Well technically I have a bike so if you wanted to chase me I'd probably win unless you took the car," Clare said.

Eli sighed. "You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. It's too dangerous."

"Eli, I'm into _Fortnight_, not _Twilight_. Stop impersonating Edward Cullen," Clare said.

"Fine," Eli said. "Get in the hearse."

So then Eli and Clare got in the car. "You see, I used to fake my own death a lot," Eli said. "And attempt suicide. And hang out at funerals. My mom got worried and so she signed me up for a bunch of computer dates. But I scared them all away. Things were pretty lame until I met this lady at a funeral. Her name was Maude and she was seventy-nine years old. We fell in love and stole public property together, but then...then..."

"Eli," Clare said softly.

"She killed herself on her eightieth birthday to try to teach me to live life to the fullest," Eli said. "It was all my fault."

"Wait," Clare said. "I've seen that movie!"

"Yeah yeah you and your friend Connor," Eli growled. "I'm just so scared that something like that will happen to you."

"Well given that I'm sixteen, I'm kind of unlikely to go that route," Clare said. "Besides, Maude wanted you to live life to the fullest, right? So do it."

"Yeah," Eli said. "I just need some time."

So they agreed to give it some time and EClare fans breathed some sighs of relief slash were giddy because Eli was on their TV screen.

The scene faded and Anya was preparing to have a bachelor auction. Some might have wondered why the fuck Drew was being auctioned when he had a girlfriend but shuddup.

"Okay, we have DREW!" Adam said. "Who bids on Drew?"

Atlantaenea jumped up and down. "Fifty dollars!"

"Fifty five!" Alli said.

Then, Atlantaenea started to sob. "Oh Anya it isn't fair! I don't have money because of my dark past and troubled childhood. Have mercy."

"It's just a date," Anya said. "And you already have like two boyfriends as it is. So calm down."

Alli gave Atlantaenea a dirty look.

"Next up, we have Wesley," Anya said.

No one bidded on Wesley.

"Well," Anya said. "Since my plotlines about larping I have become kind of a nerd girl and therefore we could almost make a pretty cute nerd couple. So I'll bid two dollars and take you out sometime."

Wesley was happy. "Fuck yes. Wait until Connor sees how much hotter my first girlfriend is than his!"

"Dude that is SERIOUSLY cold!" Drew said. "I mean, JEEZ that's like being a dick about how your girlfriend is younger than Madonna. It's just VICIOUS."

"I know," Wesley said giddily.

So then they auctioned off Zane. "Fifty!" Atlantaenea screamed.

"Sixty!" Riley said.

"Dude why the FUCK was Xanath trying to get with ME?" Zane asked.

"She's a Mary Sue," Riley shrugged. "It happens."

"And why were GIRLS bidding on me period?" Zane asked. "Aren't I like the most openly gay dude at this school except that extra who keeps flirting with me to give your character a sense of urgency in winning me back?"

"Yeah pretty much," Riley said. "So give me another chance."

"Okay, what the hell," Zane said. "Like you said, what we have is canon. Let's not mess that up until the show does."

"Oh well my mom wants grandkids," Riley said.

"That sucks," Zane said. "Let's revisit that frustrating notion in a few episodes."

The camera froze and an acoustic version of _Whatever It Takes_ started playing with the credits.

_NEXT TIME on THE BORING POINT! FIONA HAS TO MAKE A DECISION._

The camera opens to Fiona looking at her therapist. "I want to make a decision."

_A DECISION THAT WILL AFFECT __EVERYTHING__!_

"Fiona, I want you to understand that this will affect everything," her mother said.

_BUT WILL THIS DECISION AFFECT EVEN MORE THINGS THAN SHE COULD HAVE EVER ANTICIPATED?_

The camera opened on Fiona doing something self-destructive and Bobby acting like a dick.

_FIND OUT ON THE NEXT DEGRASSI: THE BORING POINT. AIRING A REALLY FREAKING LONG TIME FROM NOW, SO DON'T BOTHER POSTING YAHOO ANSWERS REQUESTS FOR THE EPISODE UNTIL AT LEAST MONDAY! ONLY ON WHATEVER CHANNEL THIS SHOW AIRS ON IN YOUR COUNTRY!_


	7. The Fiona Chapter

That Degrassi da-duh-daa-duh-da-duhhhhh music started playing so that you'd know you were watching Degrassi and not something completely different like 90210, and Holly J and Fiona were walking together looking cuter than Holly J looks with Sav in the author of this fic's opinion and making every Folly J fan go "COME THE FUCK ON!"

"What a lovely day," Fiona said. "You're actually hanging out with me, we're outside, the sun is shining, what could _possibly_ go wrong?"

"Come on Fi-oh-nuh," Holly J said. "I always hang out with you! Except for episodes where me being too busy for anyone is relevant to the plot."

"Ahh, you're right," Fiona said. "It's a good thing nothing about today is going to completely suck."

And then Fiona got home and her mom and her lawyer jumped out from behind the furniture and went, "BOO!"

"Dude...so do people just walk into my house without ringing the doorbell?" Fiona asked. "I mean yeah you pay for the place, Mom, but...geez."

"Well," her mother said softly. "I know Bobby is a really sensitive conversation topic for you and I thought the gentlest way to drop the news to you that the Bobby case has moved forward to trial would be to just drop in to your house totally unannounced with the family lawyer and give you really bad news. So how was your day, sweetie?"

And then when Fiona started to look upset, her mom got an _oh dear my daughter SURE is difficult_ look on her face.

"Mom can we..."

Duh Duh DA duh DA do DAH do DA...WHUDDEVER IT TAKES...

"WAIT!" Fiona said. She started yelling and waving her arms, insisting that that really wasn't enough time for her to absorb the shocking news _and_ that it's kinda rude to start singing in the middle of her traumatic emotional processing but the song completely ran her over and the screen panned to Peter videotaping kids skateboarding at Degrassi despite the fact that he doesn't go there anymore (or nearly ever appear on the show) and therefore would need a visitor's pass to make that video.

_AH KNOW AH CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!_

_ IF AH HOLDAOUT _(pan to Eli walking in a brooding way)

_AH KNOW AH CAN MAYK IT THROOOGH! (pan to Declan looking WAY too happy helping his sister out of the car...the original ship launching video clip for all Declan/Fiona pairings)._

_ A WOO-OOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOOOO_ (pan to Leia who inexplicably gets space in the intro song when even ZANE who is a critical part of many of this season's plotlines is still not being included).

_BE THA BEST! THA BEST THAT AH CAYUN BEEE! _(pan to nerdy boys perving on the teacher)

_WHUDDEVER IT TAKES _(pan to a bunch of cheerleaders most of whom are shown doing anything related to cheerleading so rarely it's easy to forget they were ever on the squad).

_AH KNOW I CAN MAKE IT I CAN MAKE IT AH CAN MAYKITHROGH _(pan to Mr. Simpson discouraging Bianca from being a bitch to Adam).

"Now LISTEN HERE, Bianca," Mr. Simpson said. "I am getting _pretty damn_ tired of this show. Do you know how long I've been on it? Since the '80s. That's right. The '80s. I am THIS close to snapping and if you do ONE more irritating thing I will go completely ballistic."

"_Fine_," Bianca sighed.

_ A WOOOOOOOOO_

_ WUDDEVER IT TAKES! _

_ AH KNOW AH CAN MAYKIT THROOO! _(pan to Riley throwing down a football and making a "grr" face).

Duh dah dah dah dah dah do dah dah dah dah dah...

And then Fiona found a DVD sticking out of a folder.

"What's this conspicuous looking thing lying on my kitchen counter?" Fiona asked.

"Oh, that's Bobby's big tape of nasty lies about you. Don't watch it," Mrs. Coyne said.

Yeah well...considering how easy it is for teenagers not to look at things that are just _lying_ out that might give them some info about an ex who hurt them, it's a little silly that that DVD was left anywhere Fiona could find it considering he didn't just hurt her he beat her and assaulted her but yeah anyway, Fiona watched the DVD on a ginormous screen with surround sound.

"So I'm super innocent," Bobby said. "Fiona threw herself down the stairs. It was super scary and you should believe me because I'm handsome."

"Uhm, you aren't really _that_ handsome," Fiona's lawyer said to Bobby. "As a matter of fact, by Degrassi standards you're one of the ugliest guys anyone has ever seen."

"Oh that just breaks my heart," Bobby said in the sappiest voice possible, pretending to wipe away a tear. "I don't know how I can possibly be uglier than Toby or Bruce the Moose."

Fiona's lawyer pulled out statistics and charts proving that there were more girls with crushes on both of those guys combined than on him. "Well on top of this overwhelming evidence that Toby is a stud muffin compared to you, there's also the fact that you're charged with assault, battery, and sexual assault towards my client _and_ have been charged by the Fanfiction Institute of Degrassi Land for three counts of derailing love interests."

"What?" Bobby asked. "How can that be?"

"Well," Fiona's lawyer calmly explained. "Delcan/Fiona shippers have mostly forgiven you because you give Declan a perfect excuse to be Fiona's prince charming. Folly J shippers have mostly forgiven you because you gave Fiona an excuse to move back to Degrassi. And Fadam shippers like to forget you're alive unless the fact that Fiona's ex boyfriend was abusive and Adam doesn't like to hit a girl helps to kindle their fics with lovely romantic chemistry. The only thing you're good for is being a plot device, Bobby. That's why your handsomeness will NOT help you win this trial."

"Aww, gosh DARNIT!" Bobby whined.

Anyway, on to Adam walking into _The Dot_.

"HEY GUESS WHAT!" Fitz said. "You're a GIRL!"

"OH SHIT!" Owen high-fived him. "THAT'S EVEN BETTER THAN THE ONE I TOLD RILEY LAST EPISODE. IT WENT...YOU'RE GAY!"

Fitz doubled over in laughter-induced pain and started wheezing on the floor.

"So, Eli," Adam said. "I got us something on Pay Per View."

"Gross, I don't do that with guys," Eli said.

Adam thought about that for a moment. "That would be a funny joke except who _seriously_ rents porn off Pay Per View?"

"People who don't want computer viruses?" Eli asked.

Adam sighed. "Somehow most people don't connect shady internet site with shady internet files and therefore they don't really give a damn."

"How do you know so much about this?" Eli asked.

"Because there was a Very Special Episode in some season or other where Toby and JT watched porn and despite the fact that Toby's a big computer geek he didn't _worry_ about how much shit is on those freeware sites."

Eli laughed. "Well, this is Toby we're talking about. The same Toby who hacked into school computers and gave Jimmy an 8,888% on his test."

"By the way why the FUCK did Toby turn down Holly J?" Adam asked.

"Because she was mean to him," Eli said. "And then she apologized and he didn't care because bros before hos and when I say bros I mean Liberty..."

"Right," Adam said. "But...that still doesn't explain why a guy wouldn't want Holly J."

Eli sighed. "Well sorry to ditch you tonight but Clare is a girl and you're not so I gotta spend lots of time feeding her grapes and looking into her eyes."

"That's not fair!" Adam said. "I'm your best friend! Why are guys _like_ this?"

"So that you'll have a chance to make a reckless decision that can make the _All Falls Down_ episodes more dramatic."

"Oh," Adam said. "Well then. Guess I'll have to get my Neanderthal on all by myself."

Adam just looked SO adorable talking about Neanderthal-ing that everyone was like, "come ON Adam, you're not a Neanderthal now head over to Fiona's house and make her feel better."

And then Adam was like, "I don't even KNOW Fiona!"

It was too bad he didn't know Fiona too because Fiona is always depressingly lonely even when Holly J is around and Adam was now equally depressingly lonely. But anyway.

The next day, Adam walked into Degrassi's cafeteria the next day and saw Eli and Clare being EClare and was like, "geez. I feel really lost. I think I'll go sit at a table with a bunch of bullies to provide a moral example to teenagers who watch the show about what happens when you ditch your friends to hang out with one-dimensional bullies."

So Adam sat down next to some bullies and was all, "Eli's an emo kid."

And Fitz was like, "HAH-HAH that's SUPER awesome!"

And Clare made a WTF face.

"No like he's SUPER emo. I'll bet he like...wears eyeliner!" Adam said.

And yeah it was kind of weird that Adam was making fun of a guy for potentially expressing himself through the use of makeup but yeah whatever shuddup you're not supposed to notice that part.

And then Eli walked by, looking concerned.

"Another stunning display of verbal acuity," Eli said.

"YOUR FACE is a stunning display of verbal acuity!" Adam yelled.

"OH!" Fitz looked at Owen. "That's even _better_ than when you called Riley GAY!"

And then Atlantaenea showed up. "God, Fitz. Real nice."

"What do you mean?" Fitz asked.

And then Atlantaenea punched him in the stomach so hard that blood gushed out of his nose.

"Hah," Eli said. "Fitz got beat by a Mary Sue!"

"It wasn't the first time either," Adam said.

"Why does everyone keep saying I'm a Mary Sue?" Atlantaenea asked.

"No idea, Xanath," Adam said.

And then Atlantaenea started to cry. "OH ADAM! You're the ONLY man who gets me! Let's fall in love!"

And then Adam and Atlantaenea skipped off into the sunset.

And then Eli was like, "okay Clare we like really gotta do something about this."

"About Adam being friends with a bully or Adam dating a Mary Sue?"

"Both," Eli said.

"Well what would Jesus do in this situation?" Clare asked.

Then there was that awkward _Eli-doesn't-like-to-talk-about-Jesus_ pause that will probably be a plot point later. "Uhh how about for the sake of a parody we don't even go there?" Eli asked.

"Fine," Clare said. "What would Gandhi do?"

"Uhh...ask what the fuck he's doing in Canada?" Eli asked.

Clare sighed. "He'd encourage Adam to accept nonviolence. And...yeah not a clue what Ghandi would think of Xanax."

"Xanath," Eli corrected.

"Why do you know her name?" Clare asked.

"Because I was _in_ the chapter where she explained it to us," Eli said.

"So was I!" Clare said.

"Hey Clare," Eli said. "A lot of people will get sad if the author of this fic shows us having a misunderstanding. Let's never fight again!"

"Okay!" Clare said.

And then they were in love some more.

And then Riley went up to Anya and was all. "I'm worried, Anya. This is the FIRST episode in a really long time where I haven't managed to become the center of attention by whining about how sucky it is that I'm gay."

"Then do something impressive and romantic for Zane," Anya said.

"I know!" Riley said. "I'll try to get us crowned king and king."

And SOMEHOW Riley didn't know that they were going to _publicize_ who the "big end of the year slash part one of the season or whatever time this is supposed to be taking place during dance that isn't called prom for some reason or other" royalty was going to be! Because of course it wasn't like he was a senior and had already seen the process work the _same_ way every single year.

But then Zane showed him their names on the computer. Riley went, "ZANE DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS? IT MEANS PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK I'M GAY!"

"Uh hi EVERYONE has known you were gay since season eight," Zane said. "It's not a big deal anymore."

"NOT A BIG DEAL?" Riley yelled in anguish. "You're CRAZY."

And then they went outside and all the football players were all, "HE'S GAY WE CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" and yelling about who won the bet.

And then Drew was like, "HEY! I learned a big gooey lesson about how you shouldn't be homophobic after that very special episode about my brother and I am NO LONGER going to tolerate homophobia on this team!"

And then someone was like, "hey why isn't KC on the team anymore? Did he die or something?"

And then someone else was like, "prolly because he keyed the coach's car, that kinda pisses coaches off when you do that."

And then the first someone was like, "oh yeah thanks."

And then the team totally won and some guy from some big impressive school came to scout Riley. "Hi Riley, I'm Coach Moral Aesop from Eastern University. I want you to know that when you pretend you aren't dating Zane, you suck at football and when you stop hogging plotlines by angsting about being gay you're a football leader of men."

Then Riley started to panic. "OH SHIT! He thinks I'm straight! What if he finds out I'm gay?"

"Riley no one thinks you're straight," Zane said. "Seriously _nothing_ he just said suggested that he thought you were anything but gay."

And then Riley did some freaking out.

And then Holly J was all, "FIONA! THERE'S A PROBLEM!"

"You mean like the fact that I have to face my abuser in court and courts are notoriously horrible to abuse, incest, and rape survivors and even with lots of evidence the actual conviction rate is alarmingly low?" Fiona asked.

"No, one that's all about me," Holly J said.

Fiona sighed. "The fact that you're dating Sav when a lot of people think that we should run as queen and queen of the dance because that would make a whole bunch of people REALLY happy because we look so cute together it literally makes lesbians want to bust their TV when they see you with Sav?"

"Uh, no," Holly J said. "I was talking about how we don't have a theme for the dance yet."

"Yeah and that's like super lame," Sav whined.

"How about we do something really cool that Degrassi has never done before that will give me an excuse to wear a really hot dress," Fiona said.

"Sounds hot," Holly J said.

"Hey is there something you two aren't telling me?" Sav asked.

"What like that both of us are in love with Declan and each other at the same time and I'm only dating you as a place holder until either Declan or Fiona admit their feelings for me?" Holly J said with a big grin on her face.

"Yeah like that," Sav said.

"Nope," Holly J said.

"Sweet!" Sav said. " See you both later."

And then Holly J was all, "FIONA. How am I going to get the PTA to approve of our casino night plans when I have to work in my tacky cow girl costume all night?"

"I'll start things off," Fiona said.

So Fiona showed up for the PTA meeting in kind of a slutty outfit but no one minded except Mr. Simpson who nearly got fired after season _seven's_ victim character hit on him.

"Fiona I know your life is hard right now but PLEASE try not to deal with it by throwing yourself at me," Mr. Simpson pleaded.

Fiona had learned her lesson after throwing herself at Declan so she didn't have to worry about it. "Wow," Fiona said. "The PTA only has six people on it. You'd think the PTA would be like...at least twenty parents from each grade like it is at real high schools."

"Ms. Coyne, we kind of put most of the budget towards football uniforms and yoga balls for the classrooms. We hired _two _new teachers this year so that I didn't have to teach every single class anymore," Mr. Simpson said. "Please don't criticize the budget of this television show."

Despite the fact that Drew and Adam's mother was on the PTA, she actually sat quietly the entire meeting. No that's not part of the parody's sarcasm, that happened. No, it DID. Seriously.

"Wow," Fiona said. "How has Mrs. Torres gone TEN minutes without screaming?"

Mr. Simpson frowned. "We couldn't afford to give her any lines. We ran out of paper and ink."

"Oh..." Fiona sighed.

And then Fiona did stuff that made it obvious she was drunk.

And then Holly J showed up. "Sorry Fiona was drunk. Here are some convincing reasons to support our dance plan. You see, Degrassi _has _to have a dance because our budget is short AND dances are a great excuse to have loads of drama happen all in one place. If we're going to give The Boring Point a good finale, we need a fucking dance."

The PTA applauded and loved Holly J's plan.

And then Fiona and Holly J talked. "You know you should spend more time focusing on the trial," Holly J said.

"No I shouldn't," Fiona said.

And then Fiona went home.

"Fiona," Mrs. Coyne said. "That's a fabulously slutty outfit you have on. I'll need you to put on something more respectable tomorrow morning so you can meet Bobby's stuck-up bitch of a lawyer, Mrs. Stark."

"Ms. Stark?" Fiona snorted. "That sounds like a good name for like...the headmistress of one of those strict all-girl schools in a yuri anime. Like the lady who tells Utena to stop wearing a boy's uniform or something. Not that I watch yuri or am a lesbian in any way shape or form."

"_Fiona_," Mrs. Coyne said. "Be respectful."

"I'm sorry," Fiona said.

And then the next day, Mrs. Stark showed up. "Hi. I'm basically a cross-breed of Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin in appearance with the personality of a high-strung bitch. My client says he's an innocent wittle sweetheart and you're a monster, Fiona. Is that true?"

"Your client's actually an abusive jackass," Fiona said.

"I downloaded the _What A Girl Wants_ episodes last night, I don't need _you _to explain to me what happened in them," Mrs. Stark said. "I'm trying to be a giant bitch to you until you break and then can't give a proper testimony. Work with me."

"Okay," Fiona said.

Mrs. Stark leaned forward in her chair. "Now, Fiona. Did Bobby _really _hit you or are you just an insane lunatic who needs therapy?"

"Well I'm pretty sure like 60% of Americans end up on antidepressants at some point in your life so to imply that someone who needs therapy is an insane lunatic kind of makes you a huge bitch."

And then Fiona left the room and her mom was like, "FIONA!"

Meanwhile, Adam was training in the gym and Fitz was like, "I started a real life version of Fight Club but you CAN'T be in it! Fuck you!"

"Oh cool," Adam said. "Can I be in it?"

"Sure," Fitz said. "I'll find you someone to fight."

So then Fitz brought Bianca in and was like, "YO Adam! I think I'm going to blatantly disrespect your gender identity by asking you to fight this girl who happens to sorta be your kind of almost ex in a twisted way."

"I'm going to kill you," Adam said.

"Ugh like oh my god my homophobia is going to make me break a nail!" Bianca whined. "Get me away from this freak."

Naturally, Adam didn't want to fight a girl being a gentleman and all and the fact that he doesn't want to hit a girl would make him a great companion to Fiona assuming they're going to keep Folly J pure subtext FOREVER.

And then Adam left and Atlantaenea gave him a really understanding look. "Oh ADAM! The world is against our love but it is true and pure as summer's rain!"

"Rain isn't that pure," Adam said. "If you really think about where water comes from and how it gets filtered it's pretty damn disgusting."

"Oh Adam!" Atlantaenea said. "If that's how you feel about our love then we are not meant to be!"

And then she ran off.

Luckily though, Eli was following Adam everywhere. "Look man. I'm your best friend and I don't want to see you get in a pointless fight with Fitz."

"I don't care," Adam said. "I am getting in a pointless fight with Fitz and that is final."

"I won't let you do that!" Eli said.

And then Fitz punched Eli in the jaw and Adam kicked Fitz in the nuts and then Fitz was all, "I'LL KILL YOU!"

So later Holly J found Fiona's prescription and was like, "hey Fi. I'm going to help your mom force you to take pills."

Fiona could have pointed out that not all mental health advocacy agrees about the effectiveness of therapy and medication as a universal truth, and the fact that no one should be forced into taking an optional anxiety drug that's supposed to help _them_. But she didn't.

"I can just drink to deal with my problems," Fiona said.

"No you can't!" Holly J said. "Self-medication is stupid."

Well...whether or not it's 100% ineffective is somewhat debatable. Some people use things like St. John's Wort, Omega-3, or sometimes *gaspity gasp* marijuana to deal with depression and some people have pretty good results. Some psychiatrists are even open to the first two even though they can be bought for OTC use. So it's not like these specific pills are Fiona's only option just because a therapist gave them to her. But yeah anyway (you can't tell the writer of this fic is a psychology minor can you?)

"Okay fine," Fiona said.

And then she went to the interview with Mrs. Stark. "So. WHADDAYOU NEED THERAPY FOR YA DUMB BITCH?"

Fiona sighed. "A large percentage of people who have been in ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS end up needing therapy. It's kind of a no-brainer."

And then Mrs. Stark was like, "RAR," and started frothing at the mouth but Fiona with her newfound confidence wasn't affected.

_ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF THE BORING POINT!  
A BUNCH OF RANDOM PEOPLE ARE GOING TO HOOK UP!_

"Let's hook up," Bianca said to some unknown person who fans will speculate about for the next day and a half.

_ BUT WILL THIS LEAD TO VIOLENT AND DANGEROUS CONFRONTATIONS INVOLVING WEAPONS?_

"OH SHIT, WEAPONS!" Adam yelled.

_FIND OUT ON THE EXCITING RIVETING TERRIFYINGLY INTENSE AND HEART-POUNDING DANGEROUSLY WONDERFULLY AWESOMELY AWESOME TWO PART FINALE OF DEGRASSI..._

_ THE BORING POINT!_

_PREMIERING WHENEVER IT SHOWS UP ON YAHOO ANSWERS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A TV!_


	8. The WTF Chapter

The scene opened with Sav wearing the most god awful outfit anyone has ever seen him in. It was TERRIBLE. Seriously, the jacket was just stupid and the big red shirt sticking out from the white sequined Elvis jacket wasn't much better. Like _seriously_ when Fiona was talking about the fashion choices this dance would provide I think some of us were expecting something a little different. But oh well.

"So everybody!" Sav said, wearing the ugliest jacket possible. "Get your tickets to Vegas Night and see if I'm _seriously_ going to wear this shirt at an event that will undoubtedly end up photographed all over the yearbook assuming we have a yearbook in our budget this year."

And then Drew started to bemoan his stupidity to Alli.

"Gosh Alli," Drew said. "I am _so _stupid! It fucking sucks."

"You are _not_ stupid!" Alli said. "You just don't know anything that has ever been printed in a book."

"Aw, thanks," Drew kissed her. "You always know just what to say!"

So the two went back to studying and Alli realized he was holding his book upside down. "Drew!"

"Sorry," he said, turning it sideways.

And then they started kissing some more and Alli started tugging on his shirt.

"EXCUSE ME!" Mrs. Torres yelled. "I DIDN'T HAVE _ANY _LINES LAST CHAPTER AND I AM BURSTING WITH LOUD THINGS TO SAY."

Alli let go of Drew. "Sorry."

"SO I GUESS _THIS _IS WHY YOU'RE FAILING MATH?" Mrs. Torres asked. "BECAUSE YOU SPEND ALL YOUR TIME MAKING OUT WITH A SLUTTY ONE-DIMENSIONAL CHARACTER?"

"Mom WHAT are you doing here? I already told you, Alli is actually a genius despite loads of evidence to the contrary," Drew said in his defense.

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE STUDYING!" Mrs. Torres said. "NOT IMPREGNATING ALLI."

"Dude Mom, I _can't _impregnate her, hello, Degrassi has never had more than one pregnant character at a time," Drew said.

"Well, Drew," Mrs. Torres said. "That stink bomb Clare completely fell out of character to throw into your exam room gave you an extra day to study so don't waste it."

"Now your mom thinks I'm some skank like Bianca who makes out with a different guy every week," Alli said.

Drew put his arm around Alli. "No way. You are nothing like Bianca. She's a way more interesting character than you."

Alli got a bit _OH SHIT _look on her face just as the music started to cue for...

_WUDDEVER IT TAKES_

_ AH KNOW AH CAN MAYKIT THROO_

_ EEF AH HOWLDAOUT AH NO AH CAN MAYKITTHROO_

_ A WOOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOOO-OOO_

_ BETHABEST THU BEST THAT AH CAYUN BEE_

_ WUDDEVERITTAKES_

_ AH NO AH KIN MAYKIT AH KIN MAYKIT AH KIN MAYKIT THROO_

_ A WOOOO_

_ WUDDEVER IT TAKES _

_ A NO AH CAN MAYK IT THROOOO_

_ Da duh da da da do dah dah dah dah dah do._

"Hey little lady," Sav said to Holly J. "Looks like you lost that luvin' feeling."

No seriously, he said that. For real.

"Yeah well you're wearing a HIDEOUS jacket," Holly J said. "Do you really think anyone's going to want to make out with you while you're dressed like that?"

"YES!" Sav said. "I got confidence lessons from Dave."

"Well use it to do something about the fact that the stink bomb that everyone more or less forgot about last episode which forced the school to reschedule exams might get our dance canceled," Holly J said.

"Oh NOES!" Sav said. "Although sadly this isn't much dramatic tension because the fans have already seen pictures of me wearing this hideous shirt to the dance so they know the dance exists."

"Oh my GOD do NOT wear that shirt to the dance or Fiona will look seven billion and ten times hotter than you and life will get SUPER difficult for me," Holly J said.

"I am wearing this shirt," Sav said. "I will wear it and you will like it."

"_Mrs._ Torres I assure you once we find the students responsible for the stink bomb there will be consequences," Mr. Simpson said as they walked out of the office.

"I'M SURE YOU'LL PUNISH THEM WITH THE SAME SEVERITY AS THE BOYS THAT HAZED MY SON. I AM _STILL _NOT OVER THAT EVEN THOUGH ADAM GETTING BULLIED WAS WAY THE FUCK WORSE AND I DON'T SEEM TO GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE," Mrs. Torres said.

And then Mr. Simpson got this _Lord have mercy on my soul _look on his face.

"DEGRASSI'S ON OUR SCHOOL BOARD'S WATCH LIST," Mrs. Torres said. "BULLYING, LOW TEST SCORES, DRAMA, REPEATED PLOTLINES, AND NOW A PRANK THAT CAUSED MY SONS, ONE OF WHICH I ONLY ACKNOWLEDGED WAS MY SON LIKE FOUR DAYS AGO, TO MISS AN EXAM," Mrs. Torres said. "ONE MORE INCIDENT AND THAT COULD BE ANOTHER PRINCIPAL'S PROBLEM."

Even though everyone knew there was no money in the budget to pay for a new actor to replace Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson started worrying anyway.

"Geez does that woman even have a JOB?" Mr. Simpson asked himself. "It seems like she spends a hundred percent of her time in my office. Doesn't she have TV shows she likes at home? Or _anything_ to do with her life?"

"No," Sav said. "She exists for the lulz and the drama."

"Sav will you take off that UGLY jacket?" Mr. Simpson asked.

"No," Sav giggled.

"Seriously though the school board wants us to cancel the dance," Mr. Simpson said.

"NOOOO!" Sav whined.

"Okay fine," Mr. Simpson said. "Double the chaperones, make sure Mrs. Torres has plenty of opportunities to be obnoxious, and if there is ANY sign of trouble..."

"We'll contact you immediately," Holly J said. "Besides, this is a season finale. What could possibly go wrong?"

So then Clare said to Eli, "oh shit I'm freaking out because I broke a school rule but I was trying to make sure Fitz didn't kill you and Adam which I think is more important than school policy."

"Re-_lax_, Clare," Eli said. "No one knows it's you. What could possibly go wrong?"

So then Mr. Simpson showed up and Eli pretended Fitz was the one who lit off the stink bomb.

"If Fitz finds out you told Mr. Simpson that he'll kill us all," Clare said.  
"Come _on_," Eli said, throwing his arm around Clare. "He'll never find out. What could possibly go wrong?"

And then Eli and Clare MADE OUT in a way that wasn't for a project and a bunch of people died and then came back to life and squeed a whole lot. And Clare looked like she was barely able to breathe afterwards and all the girls at home went "_DAYUM_ Eli!"

And then Eli was like, "I have a French exam. So I thought we'd French first to get a little studying in."

And then Clare was like, "that's a different kind of French."

And then Eli was like, "OH SHIT."

And then Clare took a look outside the window at KC who failed to kiss her in ways that made her entire body quiver a bit suggestively for a sixteen year old on a TV show and made a "nah nah" face.

And KC was trying to tutor Drew so he could stay a useful member of the cast but Drew was checking out Bianca.

"I don't get why my mom forces me to take university track math when I can barely handle long division," Drew said.

"Because your mom SUCKS," KC said. "Like mine."

And the sound of a man talking about how stupid he is started to get Bianca hot and she sluttily approached.

"I have a problem you could solve," Bianca said.

The audience threw up.

"What's that?" Drew asked, as Bianca shoved her boobs in his face.

"The zipper on my hoodie's stuck," Bianca said.

The audience went "COME THE FUCK ON."

And despite the fact that Bianca broke his brother's heart, Drew got a big boner and started messing with Bianca's jacket.

"How could I _ever_ thank you?" Bianca asked, touching Drew really inappropriately.

"Help me cheat on my girlfriend sometime later to keep things interesting," Drew suggested.

KC thought about telling Drew not to hit on random sluts while he had a girlfriend but realized that that was his own favorite pass time so he didn't.

And then Alli and Clare talked for the first time in weeks because Clare figured bragging to Adam about that orgasm-inducing kiss would be super awkward-like.

"SO TELL THE WHOLE CLASS ABOUT ALL THE TONGUE!" Alli yelled.

"Alli!" Clare said. "Do you think that means Harold...err...Eli is over Maude?"

"Well you didn't tell me how much tongue there was so how could I possibly know?" Alli asked. "I read tongues kind of like psychics read tea leaves so you have to tell me more."

"I don't want to talk about it," Clare said.

"Well he could cheat on you over break," Alli said.

"No way, we were cast for each other," Clare said.

"So what?" Alli asked. "You need to get worked up for no reason so this episode can be more intense!"

So Clare did.

And then Fiona was like, "hey Holly J I'm going back to New York for a while."

"I can't believe you're missing Vegas night!" Holly J said. "It was a PERFECT chance for me to see you looking extremely hot AND for you to meet Adam."

"Yeah well," Fiona said. "Too bad."

And Fiona gave Holly J her slutty dress from last chapter...a present I'm sure a few of my readers would be foaming at the mouth if they got.

And then while Drew was supposed to be studying Alli caught him sexting with Bianca. "What kind of stupid whore would sext?" Alli asked.

"Uhhm..." Drew said.

"SHUT UP!" Alli yelled, running off.

"WAIT!" Drew said, using his mother's screaming abilities. "I'm your boyfriend. I love you. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Alli asked.

And then Eli and Clare made out some more until Fitz went ballistic. "I'm gonna KILL YOU!" Fitz yelled.

"I should teach him a lesson," Eli said.

"You can't," Clare said. "That'll get you hurt."

"Oh come on," Eli said. "What could possibly go wrong?"

The scene faded to what else but Drew and Bianca having a little chat. GOD why does Bianca have to get with DREW? Seriously she looked so hot with Adam. Anyway...

"Didn't you like my sexy pictures?" Bianca asked.

"Well yeah I mean I'm a guy and I'm straight, of course I liked them, but...I have a girlfriend," Drew said. "Never mind that you got my brother beat up."

So Bianca was like, "I'll be in the boiler room at four if you want me to act like a total slut all over you. What your girlfriend doesn't know won't hurt her."

So then Drew started showing KC Bianca's sexy photos. You know, if the genders were reversed and a girl asked a guy to stop doing what Bianca's doing, people would be saying it was sexual assault or sexual harassment and that it was really fucked up and wrong but y'know, hail sexual double standards.

"Holy crap, that's a hot lady," KC said.

So then Ms. O collected their phones and Drew started talking all about Bianca to KC.

"Wait a second," KC said. "We're not friends."

"We are now," Drew said. "So Bianca wants to sex me up later. What should I do?"

"Well most people would pick Bianca over Alli in a heartbeat because Alli has no redeeming qualities as a human being and Bianca's at least hot, but it's your call," KC said.

"But she wants to go to the boiler room!" Drew said.

"The boiler room!" KC said. "That's where girls give one-sided blow jobs to guys, perpetuating a sad cycle and sexual dynamic wherein female pleasure matters less than male pleasure."

"SWEET!" Drew yelled. For some reason, Alli couldn't hear this. "No strings attached."

"Any time you get intimate with a girl there are strings attached," KC said. "Not that I have any right to talk at all since I just threw my girlfriend out like a soggy old newspaper when I found out she was pregnant but YOU should try to be a nicer guy than me at least."

So then Fitz decided to blackmail Clare, forcing her to attend the dance with him to avoid getting Eli and Adam beaten up. That sucks.

And then Drew didn't finish his math exam. That sucks too.

And then Clare told Eli she was going to the dance with Fitz. "I mean, it'll just be a one-time thing and then he'll leave you alone," Clare said. "What could possibly go wrong?"

And then Fitz promised Eli he'd be gentle when he fucked Clare despite the fact that Clare doesn't actually want sex until marriage which makes Fitz an even bigger tool than I was aware of.

And then Alli and Jenna were getting ready for the dance. "Ahh," Alli said. "Could life be any more perfect?"

"I'M PREGNANT YOU DUMB BITCH!" Jenna yelled.

"Sorry, I'm self-absorbed and wear too much purple eye shadow," Alli said. "I can't remember stuff like that. But damn you got a lot bigger in the past like what...two episodes?"

And then Clare explained all her misfortune to Jenna who somehow she doesn't hate anymore.

And then Eli showed up.

And then Drew was like, "DAMN man. I really wanna get my dick sucked. But like...naw that'd make me a huge jackass. Hmm...should I...nah really shouldn't, maybe, no...maybe...SURE let's go get my dick sucked!"

So he ran back into the school to go be a jackass.

And then Eli told Clare to put some crap in Fitz's drink to make him barf. Even though it would have been better for Eli just to explain his concerns to Clare in a mature manner, he chose not to. So yeah.

"I'm going to go to the dance with Fitz," Clare said. "Come on. What could possibly go wrong?"

So then Drew went up to Bianca and was like, "I have a girlfriend."

"Come on," Bianca said. "What could possibly go wrong?"

And then Bianca dragged Drew into the room by his belt.

And then I completely stopped liking Bianca.

And then the audience was like, "FUCK, guess they'll have to cast Alli a new soul mate."

And when Adam finds out he'll probably be like, "GEEZ DREW YOU'RE A DICK!"

And so will everyone else but KC who's a dick anyway.

The rest of this fic might be TOO INTENSE for any weak-hearted readers. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. Really. This is going to be insanely intense. It's going to be CUH-RAYZEEY! No it is! I'm not just tying random letters because I'm bored waiting for the second episode to come online so I can parody it. I'm WARNING YOU ALL!

The scene opened to Zane and Riley being a couple in public and everyone playing with what looked like real life gambling equipment. Everyone rejoiced that Riley was with Zane because it meant we wouldn't have to deal with him angsting about his homosexuality...

"Ah, Riley," Zane smiled. "I'm SO glad we're together. We're here, we're queer, there's gambling. What could possibly go wrong?"

"I couldn't have said it better myself," Riley said.

And then they zoomed in on Holly J in a sexy black dress standing next to Sav who was STILL WEARING THAT JACKET.

"Welcome to a night in Vegas. With a little bit of luck, anything could happen!" Holly J said.

And Atlantaenea stared wistfully at The One She Loved (no you don't get to know who that is yet so shuddup it's called suspense).

And then Alli and Chantay smiled at each other despite the fact that just episodes ago Alli wanted to systematically destroy Chantay's life.

And then Adam was like, "hey Drew you should really tell Alli about that really lame thing you did a couple paragraphs ago. I have no fucking clue why I'm not mad at you about hooking up with the girl I like, but for now I'm just going to let that go and encourage you to do the right thing like a proper moral guardian. So tell Alli what you did."

"No way man!" Drew said. "She'll KILL me."

"Yes but on Degrassi girls _always_ find out when you cheat on them. It's time to man up," Adam said.

And then Bianca was like, "hey Alli, I totally sucked your boyfriend's dick two paragraphs ago."

"Aren't you supposed to be gay?" Alli asked. "Seriously _all _the message boards before this came out said you were gonna go gay for Jenna."

"I'm no lesbian," Bianca said. "Except in fics where I'm drunk and go temporarily bisexual."

"Oh," Alli said. "But wait a second, DREW! Did you guys have sex?"

"No, no, no, no!" Drew said. "Of COURSE not. See...oral sex is totally different from sex!"

"Uh no," Alli said. "It's like oatmeal cookies and chocolate chip cookies. They're both cookies. That's why they put the word _cookie_ there. And same with sex. If it's called oral sex, oral is an adjective describing a noun that is _sex_."

"ALLI you know I failed English stop pushing this smart shit on me!" Drew whined.

The Degrassi music cued as Drew made a "what have I done?" face.

And after the Degrassi song which I've spent sufficient time parodying lately...

"Well fuck Alli, no, we didn't have oral sex," Drew said. "It was oral _kissing_, you know, the kind of kissing you do with your mouth."

"Oh well in that case," Alli chirped. "Let's go back to the dance!"

So then Clare walked up to FUCKING FITZ WHO SHE SHOULD NOT BE AT THE DANCE WITH and was like, "is that corsage for me?"

"Uh yeah my mom made me bring it," Fucking Fitz Who Clare Should Not Be At The Dance With said.

"Well I'm not going to have sex with you," Clare said to Fucking Fitz Who Had No Business Derailing EClare.

"That's okay because despite my bad boy demeanor I'm really a sweet guy," Fucking Fitz Whose Feelings And Emotional Development No One Cares About said. "Eli overreacted.

"Oh I totally believe that," Clare said. "Even though Eli and I were cast for each other I'm totally getting taken in by your aw shucks charm."

"If Eli were only to apologize to me I'd forgive him," That Asshole Fitz said. "But he's a meanie pants who won't be nice to me."

"Oh that's sad," Clare said to the guy she really shouldn't be talking to.

OH SHIT then Shark in the Water started playing...JUST LIKE IN THE PROMO HOLY CRAP.

So Drew walked up to Bianca and was like, "YOU ALMOST MADE ALLI THINK I WAS CHEATING?"

"Why don't you let me blackmail you into not telling her _where_ my mouth ended up," Bianca said.

"Sounds good to me," Drew said.

"My lips are sealed," Bianca said.

"And you should KEEP them sealed," Alli said.

And that was all kinda icky considering what she was doing with said lips recently.

"Well I like them sealed around your boyfriend's..." Bianca said.

"That's disgusting!" Alli said, walking off.

"ALLI WAIT!" Drew said, as if there was something he could actually say that would make all that better.

"Holly J, we have a problem," Sav said.

"Yeah your shirt," Holly J said. "It's HIDEOUS. Seriously."

"No way, the problem is that the night is nearly over and I haven't kissed you yet," Sav said.

"Oh DEAR!" Holly J said. "That's such a tragedy since there are so many fans out there who love seeing us together."

And then Holly J dodged the kiss and some of us were like TEAM FIONA and others were like TEAM DECLAN and some of us were like TEAM SAV AND PETER and some of us were like TEAM SANYA and whatever most people rejoiced.

So then they went out to crown the king and queen and fucking DREW and Alli won for fuck's sake...was there REALLY not a better couple they coulda picked? Oh well.

And then Sav started playing a song about how hot he is for Holly J that made me a little queasy no I'm not kidding I got chills and they weren't pleasant.

During that, Clare walked up to Eli and was like, "PLEASE just apologize to Fitz so everything can go back to normal."

"No!" Eli whined. "I can't possibly do that even if it means we can stop dancing around our feelings for each other and actually be a couple."

"Please?" Clare asked.

"Fine," Eli said. "But I'm not gonna mean it!"

"Fine," Clare sighed. "I mean as long as you sell it, what could possibly go wrong?"

And Holly J who used to think all of Sav's songs were stupid and unoriginal was completely flattered by his song and asked him to go hook up with her. SAD.

And then somehow the barf serum ended up in Fitz's drink right as Eli and Fitz were doing some kind of apologizing.

And then Clare was like, "ELI, I don't care if your kisses can make me cum in my pants, you are a violent jerk and I'm mad as hell at you!"

And she stormed off.

And Eli was like, "FUCK."

And Adam was like, "damn."

And then Eli got this deliciously violent and angry look in his eye that probably made a few girls cum in their pants.

Then just as Alli was bawling over Drew FUCKING OWEN of all people showed up. "Hey, like my bling?" he asked.

"No, it's tacky," Alli sobbed.

"I know," Owen said. "So where's Bianca? She and my dick have an appointment."

"Probably stealing someone else's boyfriend," Alli said.

"Aww...this is a perfect opportunity for me to hit on you," Owen said. "As the new overly defensive homophobic jackass on the show let me be the first to say I'm sorry."

"Leave me alone," Alli said.

"Come on," Owen said. "Tell Owen what's wrong."

"Dude we aren't even friends," Alli said. "I don't think I've ever spoken to you in the history of my life and now you're simultaneously hitting on me and acting like my overprotective big brother."

"So what's the problem?" Owen asked.

"Do you think I'm sexy?" Alli asked.

"Dude lotsa guys would pay to hook up with you," Owen said.

"How much?" Alli asked.

"Fifty," Owen said. "What do you say that instead of taking this opportunity to become a more empowered woman and rise above the sexual double standards of women using their bodies to hook asshole guys who don't care about them, you blow me for cash and then brag about it to your boyfriend to piss him off."

"Owen, that is the best idea I've ever heard," Alli said. "Let's totally forget about how two seasons ago I told Johnny I totally wasn't ready for that kind of stuff."

And then Drew and Adam were chilling and Drew was like, "BIANCA'S A SLUT!"

And Bianca was like, "okay I may not be a superfeminist but JESUS Christ dude, you're the one who cheated on your girlfriend with me. You're a way bigger slut."

So then Clare went to find out if Fucking Fitz Who Does NOT Fucking Belong With Clare Like Oh My Effing God was okay.

So then Clare started spewing her problems to Fitz while Fitz snuck a weapon into his pocket. Clare, being the naive girl that she was, missed the _oh SHIT something bad happened that you should probably pay attention to_ music they played when he did it.

And then Clare went and found Adam and was like, "FITZ HAS A KNIFE!"

"Wow and I think most of the audience assumed you didn't even notice that," Adam said.

So Adam ran to find Simpson and Clare ran to find her True Love who was Cast For Her. It was all quite heartwrenchingly romantic.

So then Alli started to have second thoughts about sucking Owen's dick for cash and then Owen turned into a violent horny jackass at Alli and WHO but Drew ran to her rescue. It was all quite heartwrenchingly romantic.

So then Mr. Simpson took the microphone JUST as Mrs. Torres arrived on the scene because she has to be there whenever anything dramatic happens.

"Okay, no one panic but from this moment on WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE," Mr. Simpson said, wondering why such an unrealistic number of violent crimes happened on or around school property in such a nice neighborhood.

"OH NO!" Mrs. Torres ran over to Adam. "WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER?"

"Trying to have oral sex," Owen giggled.

"OH SHIT!" Mrs. Torres screamed.

"Mrs. Torres please, you can't leave!" Mr. Simpson said.

"OH NOW YOU'RE GOING TO START ENFORCING RULES? MY SON IS GOING TO _HOOK UP WITH ALLI_, THE LEAST INTERESTING CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO!" Mrs. Torres screamed.

And Atlantaenea, Leia, and Chantay all squeed that they weren't the least interesting characters on the show anymore.

So then Holly J started doing a strip tease for Sav in the outfit Fiona gave her...SHIT that SUCKS considering in my head Fiona is madly in love with Holly J. UGH. Fucking Holly J.

And if it weren't that I found it mildly to moderately hot I woulda been particularly mad at her.

Meanwhile, back in the boiler room.

"I am so sorry Alli," Drew said. "I will never get a blow job from a random whore again."

"DREW!" Mrs. Torres screamed. "ARE YOU GETTING A BLOW JOB FROM A RANDOM WHORE?"

"No, Mom, weren't you listening?" Drew asked.

And then the police walked in on Holly J and Sav. "HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE 'EM!" the cops yelled.

"What did we do?" Holly J asked.

"DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE HORRIFIED BY THE NOTION OF YOU WITH SAV?" the cop asked. "You are derailing more ships than Bobby and for that you're under arrest."

So then Clare ran up to Eli and was like, "FITZ IS TRYING TO END THE ONLY TOLERABLE RELATIONSHIP THIS SEASON BY KILLING US BOTH!"

And then Fitz showed up with a knife. "Oh Fitz!" Atlantaenea pleaded. "I'm in love with you and I know I couldn't love a killer! Don't do this!"

"SHUT UP BITCH!" Fitz yelled.

And Atlantaenea's heart broke into a gazillion and twelve pieces.

So then Fitz almost killed Eli but didn't and seeing the love of her life almost taken away from her made Clare even more in-love-ier with Eli than she had ever been before. But she wasn't about to admit it cuz yeah.

So anyway back to Mrs. Torres's problems.

"I DO NOT HAVE PROBLEMS IT IS THIS SCHOOL THAT HAS PROBLEMS!" Mrs. Torres screamed. "AND THIS PLOT! WHY AM I THE ONLY VOCAL MEMBER OF THE PTA AND DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE SAY IT'S BECAUSE I'M LOUD ENOUGH FOR ALL OF THEM!"

"Sorry," I said.

She shrugged me off and turned her attention to Drew and Alli.

"OBVIOUSLY THE FACT THAT SHE WAS CONSIDERING SUCKING YOUR DICK IS 100% HER FAULT," Mrs. Torres said pointing at Alli. "BECAUSE MEN BEAR ZERO RESPONSIBILITY IN SEXUAL DECISIONS."

"Geez Mom, where do you think I get it?" Drew asked. "That was like the most anti-feminist thing that has ever come out of your mouth..."

"IT'S BETTER THAN WHAT'S COMING _IN _THAT BITCH'S MOUTH!"

"Mother please," Drew said. "Alli didn't blow me in the boiler room, Bianca did."

"STOP DEFENDING HER YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" Mrs. Torres yelled. "ALLI IS A TWO CENT WHORE AND I'LL BET A LOT OF PEOPLE AGREE WITH ME! GO FIND YOUR BROTHER AND LET'S GO HOME!"

So then Adam showed up and was like. "You know considering you're totally sexist it makes like zero sense that you wanted me to be a girl so badly."

"SHUT UP!" Mrs. Torres screamed. "I HAVE A THING FOR PLOT HOLES NOW GET IN THE CAR!"

So then Eli and Clare admitted their involvement in what happened to Fitz to Mr. Simpson. "I'm disappointed," Mr. Simpson said.

So then the cops were like, "I found Holly J stripping in an empty classroom."

"Fucking A," Mr. Simpson said. "I am SO DISAPPOINTED! FOR FUCK'S SAKE, BOTH OF YOU, DATE ANYONE BUT EACH OTHER...YOU SUCK AS A COUPLE! I AM _SO _MAD RIGHT NOW, I TRUSTED YOU TO NOT RUIN EVERYONE'S HOPES AND DREAMS BY HOOKING UP TONIGHT NOW WHEN YOU COME BACK, THIS SCHOOL WILL BE NOTHING LIKE THE SWEET WITTLE DEGRASSI OF YOUR SORRY CHILDHOODS. IT WILL BE _DIFFERENT_."

"Cool, are we getting a new set?" Holly J asked.

"NO!" Mr. Simpson yelled so loudly that cars flipped upside down.

"DAMMIT I PAID FOR THIS CAR..." Mrs. Torres started.

"OH SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!" Mr. Simpson bellowed.

And it was pretty amazing because no one had ever seen Mr. Simpson this mad before. Not when Emma got an STD. Not when Darcy hit on him. Not when Rick shot up the whole fucking school. But a combination of Holly J hooking up with FUCKING SAV, Fitz trying to kill Eli, and Mrs. Torres screaming at him 24/7 had him more stressed than his daughter getting an STD, a 17-year-old hitting on him and almost costing him his job, nearly ruining his marriage, and having a shooting take place at his school combined could ever have made him.

And then Fitz fought off the police single-handedly and stabbed Atlantaenea through her pure and beautiful Sue heart that was made out of the tears of angels.

"NO!" she yelled.

And seeing how beautiful Atlantaenea was, even in death, moved everyone to tears. "Oh NO!" Owen yelled. "Just seeing that beautiful girl makes me sorry I ever got violent over not getting a blow job."

"Just seeing her makes me sorry I ever dated Alli," Drew sobbed.

"Just seeing her makes me sorry I'm a heterosexual," Alli sobbed.

And everyone started hugging and sobbing their heads off and then Clare said, "maybe if we put together all of our love and hope and dreams and rainbows we can bring her back."

"OH GAWD SHE CAN'T BE DEAD!" Craig screamed. "I LOVE HER!"

"Craig, you haven't been on this show since the season eight finale," Holly J said.

"I know but I have SUCH a thing for Sues," Craig said, falling over her corpse and sobbing.

The police dragged him off and took Atlantaenea to the hospital.

"Oh no," Declan said. "This is terrible. The hospital doesn't know that she's not like other humans! Oh no!"

So Declan ran after the ambulance and Fiona was like, "Holly J. You suck for wearing the sexy outfit I gave you to seduce Sav."

And Adam was like, "Drew, you suck for hooking up with the chick who got me beaten to a bloody pulp."

"ADAM JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T GO AROUND GETTING YOUR DICK SUCKED LIKE YOUR CISGENDERED BROTHER DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE NOT ON THIN ICE!" Mrs. Torres screamed. "I'M IN A REALLY BAD MOOD!"

"And Mom, you're crazy," Adam said. "Fiona, I'm sorry your life sucks."

"Thanks," Fiona said.

So Fiona and Adam were sitting on the curb, feeling really left out. "Hi, I'm Adam," Adam said. "Maybe someday I'll meet you in canon and we'll fall madly in love."

"I hope so, Adam," Fiona said. "I really do."

And Mrs. Torres grabbed Adam by the hand and tore him away from his miserable new friend.

"Dammit," Adam said. "See ya next season."

"I really hope Atlantaenea's okay," Holly J said. "Because now that I think about it, I am sort of falling madly in love with her."

"Dude how can you fall in love with her when you have ME?" Sav asked.

"Good point," Holly J said. "That is a studly jacket you have on. So. What do you say we make everyone wait a stupidly long time to find out if we're ever going to come to our senses and break up."

"SWEET!" Sav said.

A/N: Thanks to all of you who read "The Boring Point." Given that it looks like they're going to do a lot of really weird crazy ridiculous stuff next season I will probably be parodying that too (but might have to start a new story because it won't be "The Boring Point" anymore).


	9. The Filler Chapter

A/N: Okay I KNOW the season hasn't started yet but I've been reading Degrassi rumors and realized there's enough speculation out there to write a chapter about. Jess is a new character next season that everyone's freaking out about so I figured I'd write a fic to get everyone excited about _The Breaking Point_. Or just to give people an easy way to waste time while they're waiting.

Jess sat down at a coffee shop to drink some coffee and mind her own business.

"Excuse me," said a girl with a shirt that had Eli's name circled in twenty six hearts on it. "What business do you have being alive?"

Jess thought about this for a moment. "Uh...what?"

"You're uhm...planning on attending Degrassi in the new episodes," Eli's fan girl said, pulling out a laptop and opening up a document.

"Dude," Jess said. "I already attend Degrassi. I've already been there for the entire completely unstated length of time between the beginning of the school year and some illusive two week break."

"Illusive? What's illusive about winter break?" Eli's fan girl asked.

Jess shrugged. "Are you _sure_ it's winter break? I mean I _thought_ it might be winter break since they gave us two weeks off except it's fucking Toronto and so the fact that it wasn't snowing and no one was wearing a coat kind of indicates to me that they don't actually _want _us to have any clue how long into the school year that season actually was. It's like they just want us to be confused as possible so that way they can let this season and school year last as long as they damn well please so they won't have to get rid of Sav, Holly J, Anya, Leia, Chantay, Declan, Fiona, and any other people I forgot to mention for as long as possible."

Eli's fan girl leaned over the table and glared into Jess's eyes. "You mean to tell me you've been to Degrassi for _twenty four_ episodes and you don't even know what month it is in the universe of Degrassi?"

"Well forgive me," Jess said. "But considering Paige graduated in the class of '06, making Emma's class the class of '07 and consequently Jane's class the class of '08 it is extremely weird that when Riley was looking at that sports plaque thingy it said we're in the 2010-2011 school year which is totally confusing since last year Jane was a senior and this year Holly J's a senior and Jane was class of 2008," Jess said.

The idea that Degrassi isn't perfect sent Eli's fan into a rage. "You AREN'T supposed to NOTICE THAT!" she screamed. "Next you'll be telling me that Chantay is a super senior!"

"Well I didn't notice that, but thanks for pointing that out to me," Jess said.

"GAAAAAHHHHH," Eli's fan screamed. "Enough! What business have you at Degrassi, being in the same room as my beloved Eli who MUST be with Clare if circumstances make it impossible for him to be with me since Clare is the closest thing that show has to an exact duplicate of me?"

Jess sighed. "I was in that Big D Dance Crew that only existed to give Alli a reason to be pissed off and Bianca a reason to be a bitch, remember?"

"I hardly believe _that_," Eli's fan said. "I know what you're _really_ here for."

"Coffee?" Jess asked, motioning towards her cup.

"You are a threat to EClare," Eli's fan girl said. "And no one takes kindly to that."

"Wait a second," Jess said. "So just by virtue of the fact that I'm female and attending the same _school_ as Eli that automatically makes me a boyfriend stealing whore who is ALL over Eli?"

"Well yeah!" the Eli fan said. "I mean COME ON. He IS kind of the hottest guy in school."

"To you maybe," Jess said. "But come on, it's not like EVERY girl at that school likes Eli. Some people like...uh...KC! Yeah that's it. KC. He's...dreamy."

Eli's fan girl grabbed Jess's coffee cup and smashed it on the floor. "You want to explain to me WHAT is wrong with Eli that makes it acceptable for you not to have a crush on him?"

"Jesus Christ," Jess said. "Do you _want_ me to have a crush on Eli?"

"So you DO want him!" Eli's fan grabbed Jess by the collar. "We have ways of dealing with ship derailing characters like you!"

A few hours later, Jess woke up in the hospital next to a girl who was so infinitesimally gorgeous that Jess didn't even _care_ that she had several broken ribs and was in excruciating pain because the glowing light of the girl's gentle soul filled Jess's heart with a hope and longing that one normally ascribed to spiritual ascension but was now just being experienced by looking at someone. "Just looking at your beautiful face makes me totally forget about my Earthly sorrows," Jess wept into her pillow. "Oh speak to me your name, bright angel."

"I'm comatose," the girl said. "It is only in your dreams that I can speak to you."

"Oh," Jess said. "That sucks."

"My name is Atlantaenea," the beautiful girl said. "But they call me Xanath."

"That makes SO MUCH SENSE!" Jess wept. "Oh please wake up and fall in love with me so people will stop accusing me of trying to jump Eli's gothy bones."

"Oh dear Jessica, I would, but you see...I am an angelic faery being from Hogwarts who is forever searching for my long lost lover, Edward Cullen who was separated from me in a tragic accident and then turned into a vampire and then doomed to an eternal cursed life with a girl named Bella," Atlantaenea explained. "She's a complete Mary Sue, and I must stop her before she has an even more Sueish love child that will bait her best friend into pedophilia."

Jess sighed. "Haven't you read the books? That already happened."

And then Atlantaenea cried the beautiful crystalline tears of an angel faery princes with a faint trace of goddess blood from her long-lost aunt Aphrodite. "Oh, Jessica, how can this be?"

"Guess we'll _both _have to go back to Degrassi if we actually get better," Jess said.

_Doo doo DEE do dee doo dee_

_Whatever exertion of effort it might require of me _

_I am certain that I can come out roughly in tact._

_If I avoid doing anything completely outside the regular boundaries of adolescent recklessness_

_I am certain that I can come out roughly in tact..._

_A woo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo_

_Be better than everyone else, but don't push yourself so hard you develop low self-esteem_

_Whatever exertion of effort it might require of me_

_I am certain that I can come out roughly in tact!_

_Da-da-da-da-da-do-dah_

"I can't believe I have to sit around my house _not_ doing anyone else's boyfriend for TWO WEEKS!" Bianca sighed. "I think I'll call Eli and ruin his relationship with Clare."

Just then, a ninja burst into Bianca's house and put her hand over her mouth. "You will call NO ONE, slut," the ninja said menacingly. "Eli's hot body and deliciously sexily crazed mind belong to one person and one person only, do you hear me? Don't you dare think your slutty powers shall work on him."

Bianca was very confused, for she had not previously realized that ninjas were so talkative.

"Take her away!" a voice commanded.

Meanwhile, Clare was sitting around her house. "_Man_, I just don't _know_ if I wanna be with Eli."

"Come on," Alli groaned. "People were totally getting bored with your character last season. No one liked you as Madam Degrassi, the creeper who tried to bite Declan all the time. Now people actually care about you."

"Yeah, as part of a unit," Clare said. "I want independence."

Alli rolled her eyes. "God Clare, don't you get that that DOESN'T work on Degrassi? Remember when Manny wanted independence? It got her pregnant. Oh and remember when Ashley wanted independence? It turned her into a druggie goth. Or what about poor Emma who ended up..."

"I get the point, but I'm smarter than them," Clare said. "I'm not the kind of girl who would get some ridiculous makeover to impress some guy, insinuating that my entire life revolves around hormones and sex."

Alli loaded YouTube on her computer and turned on _The Breaking Point_ trailer.

_"Hey, Eli," a super scene looking Clare said. "Like my ridiculous makeover I got just to impress you, insinuating that my entire life revolves around hormones and sex?"_

_ Eli started freaking out and having weird hallucinations. At least that's what some fans speculate will happen._

"You're right," Clare said. "I should just forget about Eli and never talk to him again."

Just then, another ninja burst into the house through the window. "HOW DARE YOU COME BETWEEN CLARE AND ELI?"

"Wow, that is the loudest ninja I've ever heard," Alli said. "Not that I've ever heard a ninja before."

"Dude I AM Clare..." Clare said. "Don't I have the right to..."

"NO!" the demon screamed.

"Wait," the voice of reason said. "Wasn't that demon a ninja two seconds ago? What the fuck is going on with this fic?"

And then the ninja demon creature who soon will turn out to be conspiring against Atlantaenea (shh that's called foreshadowing) took Clare away.

And then Bianca and Clare somehow landed in the same hospital room as Jess and Atlantaenea.

"She spoke to me," Jess said dreamily to the two new girls who were literally just dumped on the floor someplace.

"Uhm, that's really unlikely," Clare said. "She's in a coma."

"Dude like I have gone _two days_ without blowing anyone's boyfriend so if you don't get me out of here I will..." Bianca hesitated. "Be really pissy."

"You sure you weren't about to say _lez out_?" Jess asked. "God PLEASE hook up with me so people will stop thinking I'm into Eli."

"Don't worry," Clare said. "KC's available. He's enough of a loser that you'll have no competition and you're a new kid so you won't know he's a loser."

"Terrific," Jess beamed.

"And then _you_ dating KC will give the Degrassi writers some explicable reason to keep him on the show now that he's become a completely unlikable raging jerk ass," Clare explained.

"I'm in," Jess said.

"I'm so sad about Atlantaenea," Clare said. "Maybe...if we all join hands, the power of our sadness and tears will resurrect her."

So they all joined hands and tried to dramatically weep Atlantaenea back to health, but it didn't work.

"It must be," Atlantaenea said telepathically to Clare, "that you denying your love for Eli is wounding my pure angelic soul."

Clare sighed. "_What_?"

"People not being in love when they should be makes long lost unicorn princesses lose their brilliant rainbow energy," Atlantaenea said.

"I thought you were an angel," Clare said.

"I AM," Atlantaenea said. "Oh Clare...do not forsake the one who gives you awkward kissing orgasms in the library for he is the one chosen by the writers of Degrassi to be your soul mate this season."

"I just don't _know_," Clare said annoyingly. "I mean...yeah he's the biggest estrogen magnet since Craig and liking him is now my sole defining character trait, and sure he was created to be the absolute most desirable guy ever to my character and he exists to give me a boyfriend, but I just don't know if he's right for me."

"Well I shalnt ever heal until you declare your love for Eli," Atlantaenea said.

"Hey why's all this pressure on _me_?" Clare asked. "What about Alli and Drew? Can't you well-being be based on THEIR love?"

"Noooooo because their love is based on pretending to be two percent less slutty than they actually are and then coming up with ways to fuck up to give Mrs. Torres comical reasons to scream her head off at them," Atlantaenea said.

Meanwhile, Alli sat down in the waiting room next to Johnny who got a haircut and isn't as interesting anymore.

"Yo Backwoods," Johnny grunted dispassionately.

"Do you still have feelings for me?" Alli asked breathily.

"Yo I don't _do _feelings," Johnny grunted.

Alli shook her head. "You think I'm just some whiny skank who's never going to get over you. Well I have news for. I've moved on."

"Look Backwoods," Johnny said. "I have a reputation as a greasy jackass to protect. Don' do anything that makes me look like a sensitive decent human being or we're through."

"We've been through for a really long time," Alli reminded him.

And then Drew showed up. "Oh ALLI! Just looking at you makes me wanna stop getting blow jobs from random sluts _every_ day and start doing it every _other_ day instead!"

"That's not GOOD enough, Drew," Alli said. "A real man would make _me_ the only slut he cared about."

"Oh Alli you ARE the only slut I care about," Johnny whined. "Oh BOO HOO SOB I LOVE YOU!" he screamed.

"Oh Johnny my heart is conflicted!" Alli screamed.

"This is your fault Backwoods. You embarrassed me in front of..." he looked around trying to find someone to be embarrassed in front of. "That hottie in the corner."

In the corner was a fat ugly woman who only existed to serve as a warning about stranger danger. "You think I'm hot?" Love Queen said. "Oh boy that just makes me blush like a schoolgirl especially after my last boyfriend dumped me. I can't _believe_ the fact that he was fifteen and I'm thirty something and completely hideous was all it took to ruin our sizzling romance."

"Ugh are you that fat ugly bitch Connor liked?" Alli asked.

Love Queen nodded. "Yep, sure am! And now I'm going to hit on your friend."

"Look man, I don't _do_ getting hit on," Johnny said. "You're embarrassing me in front of Drew."

"How can you get embarrassed in front of me?" Drew asked. "You don't even know who I am."

Johnny crossed his arms and slumped in his chair. "I don't _care_ man. Fuck this shit."

"He has to pretend he's cooler than he actually is so that our relationship can consistently embarrass him in front of random losers he calls his friends," Alli explained to Drew. "It adds drama to the show."

"What's going on?" Love Queen asked. "Normally the gents are _all _over me."

"Dude...I'm like the biggest man slut ever and I wouldn't hit that if you paid me in chocolate, hotties, and regenerating gold" Drew said.

Love Queen frowned. "You really know how to toy with a girl's feelings. Leave a hottie like me all high and dry and..."

"Yo, look," Johnny said. "I don't _do _listenin' to pedophiles hitting on my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend so shuddup or we gonna have problems."

"How on Earth did you make the straight A honor role?" Drew asked.

"To give the show a conceivable reason why Alli would be okay with dating a complete dumbshit like you," Johnny said.

"Oh, thanks for clearin' that up, man," Drew said. "So Alli, what do you say I do some really paltry half-assedly romantic thing to get you back for a few episodes and then we go make out to celebrate?"

Alli shook her head. "I don't know. The new season hasn't started yet and until I get my script telling me I like you again you're kind of on probation."

"Dang it!" Drew yelled. "Fucking Bianca. Fucking male hormones."

And then the beautiful flawless soulful impeccable Eli showed up just to be a foil to Drew's man-sluttiness.

"Something kind of smart and witty that makes a lot of girls giggle and blush," Eli said.

"Stop being cute and go upstairs to win Clare back," Alli said.

So Eli ran upstairs into the crowded hospital room where Clare was on the floor with Bianca and that wasn't nearly as sexy as many of you fear (or hope).

"Hi a bunch of people," Eli said.

"Look Eli," Clare said. "I just need _time_ to figure out if I actually want an incredibly sexy and interesting and smart and witty and monogamous boyfriend. I mean...that's just so different from the type of guy I normally go for."

Eli sighed understandingly because he is a very understanding and soulful being. "I understand," he said. "Take all the time you need. I was, after all, created to be your boyfriend so you have until we get too old to play teenagers to make up your mind."

"Oh Eli," Clare said. "You're so understanding. If only you weren't violent and possibly crazed in a way that will really excite a lot of young teenage girls."

"I know," Eli said wistfully. "If only the script writers could find you _some_ way to get over your confusion so we could date.

Clare nodded. "Perhaps it shall be. But I guess we won't know until Friday."

"Indeed," Eli sighed, glancing sadly at the pure soul of poor Atlantaenea who might have been communicating deep telepathic messages to Clare about the nature of their love unless you'd rather just assume she's hallucinating from sleep deprivation.

_Will Clare take Eli back? Will Bianca go through with her plan of ruining everything, or was that just a plot device to rile up EClare fans? Will Atlantaenea recover from her coma that has something to do with Fitz trying to kill her but is also related to the pain of seeing soul mates be wishy washy about their feelings? How about Love Queen. Will she ever find happiness? And how the fuck did one of the ninjas turn into a demon? Was that a weird typo or a legitimate plot point? Find out sometime after Friday when I've had time to see the new episode. _


	10. The Jenna Chapter

A/N: I decided to have _The Breaking Point_ in the same story rather than starting a new one cuz yeah. Enjoy.

So Holly J and Sav were standing around in the least sexy school uniforms ever. "Damn this blows," Sav said.

"I know," Holly J said. "I mean, how long can they really keep this up? No one is going to keep watching the show if we don't look hot anymore."

Mr. Simpson coughed loudly. "AHEM."

"Sorry I did a strip tease," Holly J said. "It'll totally never happen again."

"It was good for ratings though right?" Sav asked.

"Could you please read these rules on the announcements?" Mr. Simpson asked.

"Woah come on," Sav said. "If you watched the actual show instead of just reading this parody you would've heard Alli or Clare or something mention that there was already a note home explaining all the rules. Wouldn't reading them over the announcements too kind of be overkill?"

Mr. Simpson shook his head. "Yes but the audience didn't get that note. You have to let all of the teens, tweens, twenty-somethings who remember Spinner's adopted sister, and occasional forty-year-old perverts at home know what's changed since they last saw Holly J stripping for a guy in a fugly Elvis suit."

Holly J nodded and looked into the camera. "Okay everyone. Starting today, sex and violence should only happen off school property. No sexual behavior at school, no screwing in the school building, no oral sex in secret corridors, no getting pregnant on school property, no arson crimes, no killing each other with weapons..."

Choruses of groans echoed throughout the school. "Well what are we _supposed_ to do at school?" an extra asked. "Attend classes and prepare our college applications?"

"Those are the things that make Degrassi what it is," Clare objected.

"Wow and just two seasons ago you would've loved all of this especially the uniform," Alli said.

"Yeah well they changed my character to make me more likable," Clare explained.

Alli smiled. "This is the perfect chance for me to reinvent myself and stop being such a slut."

Clare started a stopwatch to see how long that would take.

_They're all back from break_

_and some of the intro's new_

_A woo_

_We kicked Leia out_

_so Zane could be in the preview_

_A woo-oo-oo-oo_

_Be depressed_

_'Cuz it makes for good TV_

_They're all back from break!_

_But none of the plot is new!_

_Dun-da-dun-da-da-da-dun-da_

"You know you really shouldn't parody the intro," Clare said. "I mean after all, how long have people been saying that stupid Leia needs to be kicked out of the intro so Zane can get a spot?"

"Good point," I said.

The camera zoomed in on Jenna who was wearing a large trash bag on stage so no one would notice she was pregnant.

"_I'm exactly like that redhead chick on that other show!_

_ And I was hoping you didn't know!_

_ Hope none of you remember Instant Star _

_ based on how young you are..._

_ Hope that you don't get to know_

_ This plot is totes unoriginal!"_

It was a beautiful song that the suddenly talented Jenna wrote herself.

"Great job, Jenna," someone said.

And then some slut showed up. "Hi Jenna. I'm going to ruin your hopes and dreams."

"DANGIT!" Jenna whined.

So then the people from Next Teen Star followed her to school. "Geez," the agent said. "If only you were hiding something shameful under your big ugly oversized jersey someone might care about you."

"People DO care about me!" Jenna said. "Why don't you talk to my best friend Chantay?"

"Since when has Chantay been your best friend?" the interviewer asked. "I've been watching Degrassi since season one when your school was grainy and had shitty video quality and the lockers weren't neon colored and I have _never_ heard of Chantay being your friend."

Eager to prove the woman wrong, Chantay jumped in front of the microphone. "I LOVE JENNA!"

"You're just saying that because you're desperate for actual screen time," the interviewer said.

"OH MY GOD YES YOU ARE RIGHT!" Chantay screamed frantically. "Please help me I'm desperate! They cut Leia out of the credits...they did that...I'm next...I'm ne-he-hext!"

Someone shoved her out of the way because she was boring. It was sad.

"Wow, Jenna," the interviewer said. "Just because you're friends with Chantay you are officially too boring for our show. Either do something cool or drop out."

"DANGIT!" Jenna yelled as the interviewers left.

Chantay sulked out of the bushes where she landed when someone pushed her. "Need some advice?"

"Desperately," Jenna said.

"You're the most boring person I've ever met," Chantay said. "Even boringer than Leia."

"I know,' Jenna said. "It sucks."

"You need a scandal or something," Chantay said.

"But I don't HAVE one," Jenna whined. "I'm just a normal everyday slut."

"Trust me. Have I ever been wrong?" Chantay asked.

"Well you probably answered a lot of questions wrong on your freshman year final exam considering you're a super senior, but other than that, not really because you don't have enough actual screen time to make a mistake," Jenna said.

"Exactly," Chantay beamed.

So then Adam was all, "Alli, take Drew back."

And Alli was like, "you'd really think they could give you a better plot line. Everyone's dying to see you kiss a girl and is sick of your character being wasted."

Adam sighed. "Yeah I know. But give Drew another chance. He's a pathetic blubbering mess without you."

"O-_kay_!" Alli said.

On her way to wherever it is Drew hangs out, Mr. Simpson went, "HEY ALLI you have shit self-esteem, take a class."

"What?" Alli said.

"Shit self-esteem is the PC way of telling you you're a big whore," Mr. Simpson said.

"WHAT?" Alli asked. "I'm not nearly as big a whore as Bianca."

"Well you and she are going to take Don't Be A Slut Class together then," Mr. Simpson said.

So then Clare showed up. "Gee, that's one hell of a double standard that only girls have to take this class."

"I know," Alli said. "I hate Bianca. I think I'll do something immature to her."

Clare shook her head. "Stay away from Bianca _and_ Drew. They're both idiots."

"Drew is NOT an idiot. Besides if he's an idiot then so is Eli. So...why don't you tell the audience whether or not you're going to stay with Eli considering most of them are at the edge of their seats and panicking because he hasn't appeared in this episode yet," Alli said.

"Oh right," Clare said. "Well I guess I'm staying with him but I'm _only_ doing this for Xanath."

"Right," Alli said.

"And since your relationship with Drew has no bearing on Xanath's health you should really leave him."

Alli rolled her eyes. "Please Clare. You really think I'm going to leave a complete loser who kind of treats me halfway decently _sometimes_ but the rest of the time is a complete jackass? That's my TYPE Clare."

"I've noticed," Clare said dully.

So then Drew popped out of nowhere. "Alli I am SO sorry! If I could take it all back I woulda worn a chastity belt to school every single day forever. So are we cool?" Drew asked.

"Sure whatever," Alli said.

"SWEET!" Drew exclaimed.

So then Alli went to the class. "You're a slut," Alli said.

"You're dating a man whore," Bianca said.

"You're slutty," Alli repeated.

"_You're_ slutty!" Bianca yelled.

"Girls," the teacher said. "It's harsh words like this that killed Xanath."

"I didn't know she was dead," Alli said.

"That's not the point," the teacher said. "Do you want her fragile angelic unicorn heart to break?"

"Good point," Alli said. "Let's stop fighting."

So they stopped fighting and then when Bianca randomly left her bag on a desk, Alli fished out her iPhone and looked at sexy pictures of Bianca.

"HOT," Alli blushed because some people like Alli/Bianca and I want to make those people happy.

So then Alli sent the pictures to everyone and their mother's dog. So Love Queen opened her e-mail and saw a new message entitled, "Underage Hotty."

"OH BOY!" she said, hopping up and down in her chair. And then she saw it was a girl and went, "EEW how dare someone non-consensually push something I didn't want on me?"

And then Karma was like, "fuck you."

So then Bianca was like, "you like seeing me naked?"

And Alli was like. "Not really."

And then they started rolling on the floor groping each other in an angry way that will inevitably be slowed down and used in femslash videos, especially at the end.

"WOW enough fan service! There is a STRICT rule against fan service this season." Mr. Simpson yelled. "Alli, my office now. Your parents are here."

"Damn," Alli said. "How in the seven hells did you get them here THE SECOND I did something wrong? I mean, they're doctors or something. It's not like they're Mrs. Torres or something who basically lives behind Mr. Simpson's desk."

"Well Degrassi _is _a police state now," Mr. Simpson said. "We record thought crimes."

"Oh, I get it," Alli said. "Shucks."

So then she went to the office where her parents were.

"A-lli we are so very disappointed in you," Alli's mother said.

Mr. Simpson smiled. "THANK you for not screaming your heads off at me. I kind of have parent-phobia these days thanks to Mrs. Torres."

"Actually," Alli who is sometimes smart despite being stupid interrupted. "You don't get a phobia as a result of a traumatic event. Post-traumatic stress disorder is a much different psychological condition than a phobia because one of the marks of a phobia is that it has no clear basis and can be treated with behavioral therapy. It's one of the few things behavioral therapy is good for even though it likes to act like it's the absolute shit in the psychological world. In any case, even behaviorists have to admit that they're about as useful against PTSD as a Kleenex against an oil spill."

"Too soon," Mrs. Bandhari said.

"Sorry," Alli said.

Mr. Simpson sighed. "I'm sorry it's just, I'm under a lot of stress and Ms. Sauve is _not_ enough."

"Really?" Alli asked. "Because I'm pretty sure she's famous for being able to cure eating disorders, rape trauma, and anorexia in a single episode each. That's one hell of a counselor."

"Do you realize what _I'M _sitting on though?" Mr. Simpson asked. "I'm raising a son who hasn't been mentioned for five seasons _and _an autistic god son who was nearly raped by the ugliest woman ever to appear on Degrassi. Okay and besides that, I'm suddenly the principal of a school with low test scores and gang violence because they couldn't hire enough actors to let me stay a teacher. And then...THEN...I'm still watching my every move since Darcy accused me of sexual harassment and nearly got me fired and that happened when I was still reeling from having cancer which no one remembers and somewhere in the midst of all that my step-daughter daughter got anorexia after getting gonorrhea after almost getting shot in a SCHOOL SHOOTING that destroyed the self-esteem of a kid who really looked up to me, oh yeah and then I had to basically raise her slutty best friend myself because her traditional parents threw her out so for the love of CHRIST Mr. and Mrs. Bandhari do NOT throw your daughter out into the streets and make me deal with another Manny...ple-hease!"

"We do not love Christ," Mr. Bandhari said.

"Oh right, you love Muhammad sorry," Mr. Simpson said.

"Actually, that is a common misconception," Mr. Bandhari said. "In Islam, only Allah is worthy of praise. Muhammad was merely his servant."

Mr. Simpson nodded. "Gotcha. Thank you for that relevant piece of Islamic education. But please don't throw her out."

"Throw her out?" Mrs. Bandhari asked. "Why? What did she do?"

Mr. Simpson leaned back in his chair. "She got in a bitch fight."

"A bitch fight?" Mrs. Bandhari asked. "What is this bitch fight, Alli."

"It's when two girls roll around on the floor together in a way that would look gay if you slowed the video down a little bit," Alli said.

The Bandharis looked at each other in terror. "This is not our Alli."

"Oh and she also sent porn of herself to her ex-boyfriend and had sex with him next to some dump," Mr. Simpson said.

"It was a ravine," Alli pouted.

"This is not our Alli," Mrs. Bandhari replied. "Our Alli is an innocent pure virginal princess."

Mr. Simpson sighed. "Mrs. Bandhari, I have some concerns that you might be suffering from Stupid Personality Disorder. One of its primary symptoms is being unaware that Alli is a complete slut."

"I do not believe this," Mr. Bandhari said.

Mr. Simpson pulled out a copy of the DSM IV TR (the psychiatry bible) and pointed to Stupid Personality Disorder. It totally exists.

"Yes but rather than examining our own failings as parents and the fact that we are completely inaccessible and impossible for Alli to talk to, we'd rather just punish her," Mr. Bandhari said.

"Suit yourself," Mr. Simpson said.

"NO!" Alli said. "God. Why are you a dick?"

So then KC went up to Jenna and was like, "YOU BETTER NOT TELL ANYONE YOU'RE PREGNANT!"

"Are you ever going to tell your super understanding mother who won't be mad in the slightest?" Jenna asked.

"I'll do it when I'm READY JENNA!" KC bellowed, banging his fist into a locker. "THIS IS REALLY HARD FOR ME!"

"It seems like the only thing you've had to do since we broke up was give Drew advice about how he shouldn't get blow jobs from random sluts," Jenna said.

"WHATEVER. I'M GOING TO HAVE DINNER WITH MY MOM AT THE ONLY RESTAURANT IN THE DEGRASSI UNIVERSE AND YOU BETTER NOT RUIN IT."

That night...

"Hello, welcome to the only restaurant in the Degrassi universe," Holly J chirped. "My name is Holly J and I'm the only waitress at that restaurant. Can I start you off with some greasy thing with a tacky name or some ice cold beverages?"

"Why do waitresses have to tell us that the drink will be ice cold?" KC asked. "It's so stupid. I mean, we kind of take it as a given that if you brought us Root Beef that was fucking ON FIRE, people would stop coming to this shit hole."

"KC," his mother said. "Be _nice_."

"If you've ever worked at a restaurant you know that restaurant managers actually believe they can seduce people into buying things by describing the perfection of their temperature," Holly J said.

"Oh," KC said. "Damn. That is STUPID."

"Not as stupid as you dumping Clare for Jenna only to later dump Jenna because..."

"SHUDDUP!" KC screamed.

So Holly J left. "Tell me," KC's mom said. "Why _did_ you dump your hot slutty girlfriend? If I had a hot slutty girlfriend I never woulda dumped her like that."

"It's more complicated than basic arithmetic is for Drew," KC said.

So then the TV conviniently turned to the channel where Jenna was singing on TV.

"Jesus Christ," KC's mom said. "Even if she loses that competition she'll probably get a record deal and become richer than the queen of England. So WHY in the fuck did you dump her?"

KC thought about it, trying to remember the excuse he gave. "Well I think it was something like my life was hanging together by tape. Something like that."

"That's the stupidest reason I've ever heard," KC's mom said.

"Yeah well SHUDDUP," KC said.

So then Jenna was like. "Okay everyone, I'm pregnant. It belongs to KC. So KC if you're out there eating dinner with your mom, fuck yourself in the ass RIGHT NOW because you're a complete dick."

KC was seething. "How DARE she call me a complete dick?"

"Because you dumped her over a pregnancy and then didn't even TELL ME you were pregnant you dumbass," KC's mom said.

"FUCK EVERYONE!" KC said, beating the table into woodchips and storming off.

The next day, Jenna walked into school. "Perhaps today I'll actually go to classes and have a good day of education."

It was silly of her to even think that considering school is just a community center where single people go to hook up and has nothing to do with education.

"Okay Jenna WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU ADMIT YOU'RE PREGNANT?" KC bellowed.

Jenna sighed. "Well considering it's really hard to hide _and_ you told me you wanted nothing to do with it I have to do whatever I can to try to raise it."

"You're filthy SCUM FOR USING YOUR TV GIG THAT YOU GOT ON YOUR OWN BASED ON TALENT, HARD WORK, AND DEDICATION TO HELP RAISE YOUR KID!" KC screamed.

"Uhm..." Jenna paused. "That's still the ONLY plan we have right now for how we're going to raise the kid and since you just dropped out, what was I supposed to do?"

"How am I supposed to know?" KC shook his head. "What kind of Degrassi girl would get famous partially because of her good looks and THEN use that to try to raise a kid?"

"Mia?" Jenna suggested.

"Yeah well SHUDDUP!" KC yelled.

"You're not a part of the kid's life so go to hell and die in a fire," Jenna said.

"FINE!" KC screamed. "I'll bet the girls are hotter there! DON'T YOU DARE THINK THERE WAS A PUN INTENDED IN THAT."

So then Alli was like. "Ugh my parents are so super mad at me."

"Why?" Holly J asked.

"Since when did you care about me?" Alli said. "Isn't it my fault that people wanted to kill you two years ago?"

"If Emma can forgive Jay for basically manipulating her into giving him one-sided antifeminist sexual favors that resulted in her getting gonorrhea and having her reputation completely ruined thus leading to her spiral into anorexia right after she nearly got SHOT and watched a guy who tried to sexually assault her in the hallway DIE right after her former boyfriend grabbed the gun then I can forgive you," Holly J said.

"Aww, thanks," Alli said. And then they hugged. "So I got this problem you should totally care about," Alli said. "This boy cheated on me and I took him back but I wanna make the bitch who did it pay."

"Why are you making her pay when HE cheated on you?" Holly J asked.

Alli shrugged. "Because feminism is for losers?"

"Sweetie, listen," Holly J said. "You should NEVER keep getting back together with the same guy over and over again. He's just going to _keep _doing whatever he was doing in the first place that was pissing you off."

"But then..." Alli paused. "You spent _how_ long watching Anya do that with Sav?"

"Oh, couple years," Holly J said.

"And you told her she was an idiot," Alli said.

"Yep," Holly J said.

"And...now _you're_ with Sav as if somehow he's going to be less ashamed of you than he was of her. You're a fucking idiot," Alli said.

"Yeah I know," Holly J admitted. "And next episode there's going to be a whole plotline devoted to that very concept. But break up with Drew. For serious."

Then Alli went home and her parents were super disappointed in her. "I demand to know what is in your diary!" her mother yelled.

"Oh just that I had sex with a guy and almost got an STD," Alli said.

Her parents were shocked. "We are SHOCKED Alli," Mr. Bandhari said. "You are not the daughter we used to love back in season eight!"

"Seriously guys? Are you fucking stupid?" Sav asked. "She's been a complete mess since she's been on this show. It's super obvious to everyone but you."

They considered this possibility. "Sav, you're grounded," Mr. Bandhari said. "Because that's what happens to children with opinions."

"Dad I'm eighteen," Sav said.

"No one cares," Mr. Bandhari said.

"Well that sucks because I really need to be in a movie soon," Alli said. "I mean, an actor's gotta work and Degrassi is small fry."

"You will not be in any movie," Mrs. Bandhari said.

"Fine, can I go to an all girl's school then?" Alli asked. "Because we all know that there is NO way in hell that I could get caught up in sex and rampant stupidity as long as there aren't boys."

"Indeed," Mrs. Bandhari said. "And I am very sure that there will be NO inappropriate fanfiction of any kind about this."

So then Alli went to school and was like, "Drew you're a piece of shit and I'm leaving Degrassi."

"Because of me?" Drew sulked.

"No but you're still a piece of shit," Alli said.

So then Jenna went to The Dot where KC and his mom were waiting. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LOST NEXT TEEN STAR, YOU MUST BE A DUMB BITCH WITH NO TALENT OH AND BY THE WAY YOU RUINED MY LIFE!" KC screamed.

"KC's mom...will you help me with the pregnancy even though your son's a complete jackass?" Jenna asked.

"Of course," KC's mom said.

And then they shared a moment and for a brief second, there was a blip on Atlantaenea's heart rate monitor because the good will of the people had moved her tarnished golden soul just ever so slightly.

_NEXT WEEK ON AN ALL NEW DEGRASSI..._

"Why the fuck are you dating Sav?" Fiona asked Holly J. "It's whacker than whack."

"Because," Holly J whined. "I can't date you or else there'll be no one to pair Adam with and Declan's gone so yeah."

"Oh come on," Fiona said. "Declan's right here!"

"Where?" Holly J asked.

And then Declan popped out of the bushes and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

"Dude I broke up with you," Holly J said. "What are you doing in the bushes?"

"Holly J, you're the only person I love," he said. "Seriously...and you have NO idea how many OCs, Mary Sues, and guys you're competing with."

Holly J sighed. "Oh no. Now I must make a very serious decision. DANG IT."

_WILL SHE PICK DECLAN? OR WILL SHE PICK SAV? OR WILL SHE PICK FIONA? OR WILL PETER START ACTUALLY BEING A CHARACTER AND NOT JUST SCENERY AND HOOK UP WITH SOMEONE OR OTHER? OR WORSE, WILL HOLLY J GET WITH THE NINJA DEMON NOT REALIZING HE'S A NINJA DEMON? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK!_


	11. The Declan Chapter

"Ah, so good to be back," Declan grinned, linking arms with his sister as they approached Degrassi. "My old school, my old friends, my old thinly-veiled twincest. Now all I need is Holly J."

"All _we _need is Holly J," Fiona smiled.

"What does that mean?" Declan asked.

"Nothing," Fiona smiled.

"Cool," Declan said. "I love it when the things you say don't have to be taken seriously. It makes my job so much easier."

Holly J was working on putting a sign together. "Oh wow...what the hell is Declan doing here? I thought you were burying yourself in grief over Xanath."

"Xanath wasn't right for me," Declan said with a woeful agony in his eyes. "If anything, her death is a sign that we need to live for the _now_ and Holly J YOU are the now!"

Holly J returned his doe-eyed face of affection with a bitter face of dark cynicism. "Declan. Did you really think you could just waltz back onto the show halfway through the season and completely derail my plotlines, forcing my character to once more become an accessory to yours?"

Declan rubbed his chin ponderously, considering this idea. "Yes, Holly J. Yes I did."

Fiona smiled at the delightful antics of her lover brother. "Isn't he a keeper?"

"Fiona," Holly J said increduously. "You're my best friend. We share everything except our thinly veiled lesbian attraction that only comes out in the occasional fanfic and clip of us walking each other to class. How could you _not _tell me that Declan was coming back?"

With a devilish smirk, Fiona stepped towards her nemesis/best friend/girlfriend/rival (I'm trying to appeal to all tastes here). "First of all, you have no proof that there's lesbian attraction between us. So I ask you to walk me to class with a flirtatious grin on my face. Declan and I walk each other to class all the time, and do you see anyone saying _we _have feelings for each other."

"Like every day," Holly J said.

"Second _of all_," Fiona narrowed her eyes. "Me not telling anyone anything helps keep the suspense up. People need to be able to turn on their TV, see something new and ridiculous on Degrassi each week, and then look up going OH MY GOSH NO WAY!"

Holly J nodded. "Well if _that's_ what you're after then you should hook up with me."

"Another episode, Holly J," Fiona said. "This episode is about you and Declan. But don't worry. Everyone on Degrassi ends up at least semi-trying to date everyone else at some point. We'll get our plotline."

"No we won't," Holly J said. "There is virtually _no_ sign that either of us will ever become lesbians."

"That's what people would've said about Paige and Alex if you asked people in season two or three," Fiona giggled. "On Degrassi, anything is possible."

Suddenly, Declan came back from his absurdly inappropriate fantasy and went, "hey hey hey HEY! I'm the one who's pathetically in love with Holly J not you, so nyeeh."

"Right," Fiona said.

"Anyway, this entire conversation has been weird enough that I'm just going to walk away and pretend it never happened until the end of the day," Holly J said, walking away.

"Wait!" Declan said. "Pretend it never happened until first period is over instead."

"Seventh period," Holly J said.

"Lunch," Declan said.

"Done," Holly J said.

As she walked away, Fiona said, "I want her back in the family just as much as you do, but it won't be easy."

"And what _role_ do you want her to have in the family, Fiona?" Declan asked.

Fiona just smiled evilly, plotting something malicious and lovely.

"Oh Declan," Fiona said. "You're silly.

So then Sav jumped down the stairs and pounced on Holly J. "Knocking me over is against school policy!"

"Nuh uh," Sav said. "It's only against the rules if I bring a knife or a gun or kiss you or something."

"Right," Holly J said.

"So eat lunch with me, kay?" Sav asked.

Holly J shrugged. "I can't. It's just, Declan's back and he's being extremely pushy and creepy and that's not something a girl can resist."

Sav sighed. "I thought _I _was your boyfriend."

"No, you're my placeholder," Holly J said.

So then the new teacher who isn't Ms. Kwan despite the fact that a lot of fanfiction writers still think she is despite the fact that she looks NOTHING like Ms. Kwan took one look at Eli and said, "young man, you are dressed like a gothtard."

"I know but I'm the most likable guy on TV. I can't wear a polo shirt today," Eli said.

Mrs. Not-Kwan was like, "fine then. Did you know I used to teach art?"

Everyone was shocked. "No for real, she did, "Eli said. "Watch the episode in season eight where Holly J sucks at art and Blue has to help her barely pass her fruit-drawing assignment because it has no emotion in it. They totally recycled the teacher and hoped no one would notice."

"Damn," Clare said.

"So," Eli said. "What do you say we go on an amazing date."

"Oh," Clare deliberated. "I don't _know_."

"Amazing date?" Eli asked.

"Hmm," Clare hemmed.

"_Really_ amazing date?" Eli asked.

"Oh gee," Clare hawed.

"_SUPER _amazing date?" Eli asked.

"Oh..._alright_," Clare said. "If my parents let me."

Eli, being the cute and super understanding goth boy that he is, accepted the inevitability of drama. "I'm best friends with Adam. I can handle getting someone's mom to like me."

Ba-doom-CHEE.

So then Declan and Holly J had lunch at an empty picnic table. "Hey Holly J," Declan said coolly. "TAKE ME BACK!"  
"How's your life going?" Holly J asked casually.

"TAKE ME BACK!" Declan screamed.

"Cuz I have a pretty cool life," Holly J said. "You know, a best friend, a boyfriend, a job, a life?"

"A boyfriend?" Declan asked.

"Sav," Holly J said.

And then Declan fell off the park bench and started laughing. "ROTFLMAO!" he screamed. "That is SO FUCKING FUNNY oh H J TAKE ME BACK HAHAHAHAHAHAHA TAKE ME BACK HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA THAT'S SO FUNNY HE'S SUCH A LOSER I AM LITERALLY ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MY ASS OFF CUZ THAT'S WHY I SAID ROTFLMAO!"

"It's not _that_ funny," Holly J said.

Declan kneeled on the ground in his designer khakis because he loved Holly J that much. "HOLLY JA-HA-HAAAAAAY! I've become a nun or a monk or whatever you call men who don't screw their siblings for you. TAKE ME BACK!"

"Declan I don't wanna," Holly J frowned.

"TAKE ME BACK!" he screamed. "I donated all my money except the money I need to buy cool stuff like a digital disk jockey set that I will use to trick your boyfriend into leaving you alone to be assaulted later to charity! I'm helping starving children and in exchange they made this really cool song about how if you really cared about international calamity and suffering you'd TAKE ME BACK! It's on my iPod!"

Holly J started to walk away, but Declan grabbed the hem of her skirt and was dragged across the gravel as she tried to go to class.

Then Fiona found him. "You look like shit," she said.

"No, I look like a man who's in love," Declan corrected.

"Holly J is hard to win," Fiona said. "Trust me I tried."

Declan shook her head. "But I was cast for her. Just like Eli was cast for Clare."

"Ooh," Fiona winced. "Don't touch that pairing with a ten foot pole or else ninjas will haul you away in the middle of the night."

"Fiona," Declan said flatly. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Next you'll be telling me the ninjas are actually demons."

So then Declan went inside. "Hey Holly J, take me back."

"Dude, I'm her boyfriend. You are a disgusting piece of manipulative filth," Sav would have said if he were cooler.

"So, wanna come to a cool party where my sister will get drunk and throw up and I'll start creeping on you?" Declan asked Holly J.

"No, I do NOT want to do that," Holly J said.

"Your boyfriend can come," Declan said.

"Well, that _does _sound _really_ sincere," Holly J said. "And it's NOT as if he's just inviting Sav too as a cheap ploy to get me alone in some dark room with him. I mean...it's hardly like he did this exact same thing to Mia and Peter in season nine and then humiliated Peter and had his cousin give the guy crystal meth leading to Mia dumping his ass and by all rights probably would have gotten with Mia if Mia hadn't transferred to a vampire school. OKAY!"

So Declan walked away with a triumphant smirk on his thick-browed face.

"Holly J, you're being naive," Sav said.

"About WHAT?" Holly J asked.

"This entire episode is about Declan trying to get you back," Sav said.

"What makes you think that?" Holly J asked.

Sav pressed rewind to the part where Declan screamed, "TAKE ME BACK," a bunch of times.

"Maybe he got Tourette Syndrome while he was in New York," Holly J said. "It really just sounds like a verbal tick to me."

"Yeah that's what it is," Declan said from the background. "TAKE ME BACK hope to see you at the party TAKE ME BACK."

"Declan," Fiona sighed. "That kind of behavior is not going to help with mental health awareness."

"Whine," Declan said. "I hope she takes me back though."

"Oh well in that case, COOL!" Sav cheered. "I am SO up for this par-tay."

Later that night, Clare showed up at the school in a really pretty dress for the Degrassi theater awards which usually take place at the end of the school year or at the end of winter semester at most schools but for some reason unknown to divinity or man, these were being held at some random time in January or something but who can really tell considering how fucked the timeline is this season.

"Your father's always late," Mrs. Edwards pouted. "Your father sucks. Your father is a monster. Your father likes it when orphans starve."

"Come ON," Clare said.

"UGH!" Mrs. Edwards said. "You sound _just_ like your nagging emotionally immature child of a father."

"Look Mom, I know it's unfair that Mrs. Torres has had more screen time than you have considering you've been on the show since season six or something, but acting like an immature child isn't the way to worm your way back onto the show," Clare said rationally.

"_Clare_ your father is a piece of horse manure," Mrs. Edwards said. "You know that vibrator you bought a couple years ago? It has a better personality than your father and it only cost $15 and don't even get me _started_ on what else it can do better."

"Mom, this is really inappropriate," Clare said.

"Well your FATHER knows all about inappropriateness, believe me," Mrs. Edwards said. "Like last night..."

"Oh-kay, la la la la la," Clare said, with her fingers in her ears.

When her father burst through the door and mumbled an apology, Mrs. Edwards rolled her eyes. "I'll bet you're as sorry as you were when Darcy was being stalked by an ugly fat guy."

"Uhm...I don't even think I was cast back then," Mr. Edwards said.

"That's a poor excuse if you ask me," Mrs. Edwards said.

"Guys _please_!" Clare said. "Can I go on a date with a guy who will eventually turn me against Christ unless I somehow manipulate him into joining Friendship Club like Darcy did to Spinner and piss a lot of people off?"

Mrs. Edwards shook her head. "Not tonight. You're too young, it's too late, homework, responsibilities, our lord and savior, we need to talk, the answer is no."

So then they walked into the auditorium. "Is this seat taken?" Declan asked, pointing to Holly J's lap.

"Sit in a chair, dumbass," Holly J said. "You're disrespecting Xanath's memory."

"Oh what _ever_," Declan said, parking his ass in the chair with his sister creepily beside him. "It's such a lovely day. If I were crazy I'd say you should go ahead and take me back now."

"I'M JEALOUS!" Sav screamed.

"Stop being jealous," Holly J said.

"Okay," Sav said.

"Welcome to the District Theater Awards," Mr. Simpson said.

"Awards my ass," Mrs. Edwards said. "You're having an AFFAIR!"

"SHUT UP!" Mr. Edwards screamed. "I am NOT having an affair."

"Yes you ARE!" Mrs. Edwards said. "Am I not enough for you?"

"Frankly, you're not," Mr. Edwards said. "I am SICK of how quiet you are when you get pissy. I need a real woman like Mrs. Torres."

"Fuck you!" Mrs. Edwards screamed.

"FUCK YOU!" Mr. Edwards screamed.

"Our first award goes to...Clare!" Mr. Simpson said.

"Guys I won," Clare said, but they were too busy screaming to notice.

So then Clare went to accept the award and Eli romantically appeared behind the curtain with a romantic look on his very romantic face.

"I can't go on a date with you because my parents suck," Clare said.

"Oh no," Eli said.

"Fuck that, let's go on a date," Clare said.

"Sweet," Eli said. And then they ran off.

"Despite the critical lockdown on rules, I've chosen to completely overlook the fact that two students just ran off together," Mr. Simpson said. "The next award goes to Declan Coyne."

And then Declan went on stage. "Holly J," he breathed dramatically. "Light of my life, fire of my loins. Holly J. The tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps from the pallet to tap, at three, on the teeth. Hah...lee...jay."

"Wow, that is such a nice thing for a platonic friend who totally isn't trying to get me back to say," Holly J said giddily.

"Doesn't it bother you that that passage was from Lolita?" Sav asked.

"Oh calm down and stop looking out for my safety or I'll dump you," Holly J said.

"And the rest of the awards go to students you've heard of from Degrassi," Mr. Simpson said.

"Aww," the other schools said.

"Can we have power squad back?" Chantay asked.

"No," Mr. Simpson said.

"Can I have my blog back?" Chantay asked.

"No," Mr. Simpson said.

"PLEASE...those are my only two excuses to be on this show," Chantay said.

"Don't care," Mr. Simpson said.

So then Clare and Eli rebelled like teen delinquents by getting a single classy ear piercing each. "I'm badass," Clare giggled.

"Nice," Eli said.

And then they kissed while Clare's phone rang off the hook even though it's a cell phone so it doesn't have a hook.

"Clare, pick that up," Eli said. "I want your parents to like me because we were cast for each other and if they hate me we'll end up completely reliving the Darcy and Peter plotline and no one wants to watch that all over again."

"So hopefully then the fan rumors that Darcy will come back and hook up with Peter aren't true," Clare said.

"Well who knows?" Eli asked. "I mean the movie basically has to be about Peter this season so it's either her or Mia and Mia's on a more popular show than Darcy is so I'm assuming they're getting married."

So then Clare decided to be responsible and go home. "CLARE HOW COULD YOU?" Mrs. Edwards screamed.

"Now _that's_ more like it," Mr. Edwards murmured under his breath.

"I met the hottest guy alive and went on a date with him," Clare said. "Can you blame me?"

"YES I CAN!" Mrs. Edwards yelled. "Now that Alli is gone for a few episodes, _we _have to step up to the plate and become the unreasonable parents who squash our daughter's independence."

Meanwhile, at Declan's party. "Hey Sav, go look at the shiny thing on the other side of the room," Declan said.

"Okay," Sav said.

And then Fiona drank a shit ton despite the fact that if anyone actually paid attention to historical precedence they would keep her FAR away from that shit and even if you aren't paying attention I mean COME ON, have you ever tried mixing alcohol with psychiatric meds? If not, I have and it's awful so seriously what the fuck.

"You'll thank me," Fiona said.

So then Declan kicked Sav out of the house and tossed his half unconscious sister in her bedroom so he could creep on Holly J.

"Oh Holly J," Declan whined. "I feel like a monster. I'm such a bad brother."

And then the Voice of Reason burst in through the window. "No SHIT, Declan. Okay first you ignore your already sensitive and emotionally unstable sister for over a month in New York when you previously were her entire world and _then_ you just have her pawned off on some relatives so _you_ won't have to deal with her anymore and have her put into therapy against her will, forcing her to flee into a completely abusive relationship and THEN you tell her she's full of shit when she comes to you begging you to support her in leaving the monster and when you finally do believe her you start talking about all the violent shit you want to do to Bobby because the first thing a survivor of sexual violence wants to hear is big loud angry declarations of violent desires from their confidants. Do you think it's any WONDER that she left and is probably secretly trying to steal Holly J from you? DO YOU? How do you sleep at night?"

"Ignore the Voice of Reason," Holly J said. "You're a good guy."

"Thank you, take me back," Declan said. "We belong together, take me back. I really think you should take me back."

Holly J smiled. "It's okay. I totally understand you can't help saying that."

And then Declan started creepily kissing her. "Take me back," he said.

"No," Holly J said.

And then Declan kept doing it. "We're meant to be."

"I said no," Holly J said. "Didn't season two teach you that if someone says no it's rape?"

"I didn't watch season two," Declan said.

And then she kissed him.

"I'm sorry, but kissing people without their permission to prove a point runs in the family," Declan said. "Take me back."

WILL HOLLY J recognize that if someone keeps doing stuff to you after you say "no" that person is really fucked up? Will Sav actually do anything to defend his lady's honor? Will Mrs. Edwards like Eli? Will Xanath ever make a full appearance in a chapter again? Will it actually turn out that the big secret the Edwards were withholding had nothing to do with getting a divorce and was actually something weird about Darcy coming back from Africa so that Peter would have a plotline? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK!


	12. The Holly J Chapter

A/N: This is likely to NOT be a Declan-friendly chapter. If you adore Declan or if Declan's generally your favorite, this might not be a great chapter for you to read.

"Hey Holly J," Declan said as he got out of bed. "I'm super topless!"

Holly J was scrambling to put her clothes on, looking very unhappy. "That's...great," she said, looking very obviously miserable.

"I am so oblivious to your feelings," Declan beamed. "So what do you say we get married later?"

"The taxi's waiting," Holly J said on the verge of tears, which should be obvious to anyone in tune enough with another person's emotions to be able to have a successful sexual relationship but what do I know?

"Take me back," Declan said.

"I have to go get as far away from you as possible," Holly J said. "See you later."

"She digs me," Declan said. "She's totally going straight to Sav's house to break up with him."

The demonic ninja looked carefully at the guards standing outside Degrassi. "Mortal fools," he hissed under his breath as he stealthily rolled past them and did impressively agile gymnastics around a bunch of laser beam thingies guarding Mr. Simpson's office.

Once that was over, he used his magical eyebeams to unlock the door to the office, then tiptoed inside to grab the intercom. "Quote unquote _Principle_ Simpson," he said in a perfect imitation of Mrs. Torres's voice. "Please come to what will soon _not_ be your office anymore RIGHT NOW."

Mr. Simpson got there immediately because otherwise there might have to be a cut scene and that is simply not in the budget. When Mr. Simpson saw the ninja, he froze. "You're not Mrs. Torres."

The ninja climbed onto his desk. "We're going to have a conversation. Right now."

"Uhm uh...it's the middle of the school day and you don't have a visitor's pass..."

"SIT DOWN," the ninja shouted with the support of nine legions of hell, whatever that means.

Taking a seat, Mr. Simpson mumbled, "I didn't really know ninja's could shout."

"Mr. Simspon, why can't you just admit the _real_ reason Degrassi is wearing these uniforms?"

Mr. Simspon shook his head. "I promised the producers...err...superintendent I'd take that to the grave."

"The show completely recycled all the skirts and khakis from Fiona and Declan's old school, didn't they?"

"What?" he chuckled nervously. "That's _silly_."

"Can you promise that isn't what happened?" the ninja hissed. "CAN YOU?"

Mr. Simpson shrugged. "Well I have no _idea_ where the uniforms came from. They just dropped them off in my office."

"How do we know you're telling the truth?" the ninja hissed. "HOW can we know half the students wandering Degrassi's halls aren't ACTUALLY the same extras from Manhattan?"

Mr. Simpson shook his head. "Well if all those students were to _move_ here, it wouldn't be against the law to enroll them in Degrassi."

"Do you realize that _Eli_ looks less sexy in these uniforms?" the ninja demanded. "DO YOU?"

"Well uhm," Mr. Simpson said. "I'm not into minors, so I wouldn't know. That was just a rumor Darcy started in season seven."

"DID YOU?" the ninja screamed, getting all up in his face and shit.

Sighing, Mr. Simpson nodded. "Yes. Yes I did realize that and that's actually part of the point, you see, because..."

"Because NOTHING!" the ninja screamed. "You have five episodes to get Eli back in his delicious Goth clothes or there will be consequences. CONSEQUENCES, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"Uhm yes," Mr. Simpson said. "Yes I do."

Just as those words exited Mr. Simpson's mouth, Eli walked through the door not in uniform. "I suppose," the ninja said. "As long as Eli still looks sexy, the uniforms can stay."

And then in a flash, the ninja was gone.

"Hi my delicious boyfriend who I totally wanna have sex with despite the fact that I'm waiting for marriage," Clare said to Eli, who was expressing his individuality by breaking school rules.

"Elijah, why are you wearing a goth costume?" Mrs. Art Teacher Who Now Teaches English asked.

"I refuse to obey school rules Mrs. Art Teacher Who Now Teaches English," Eli said. "It's about expressing my deep emotional soul."

"Well then you can express your deep emotional soul in DETENTION!" Mrs. Art Teacher Who Now Teaches English said.

Clare smiled at the idea of dating a hardened felon. "Can you come over for dinner?"

"I could HEAR what you were thinking Clare and I am NOT a hardened felon," Eli said.

Clare giggled. "You're cute."

"I had Holly J over last night and BU-YAH!" Declan yelled.

"Okay why the fuck are we eating breakfast when they've already shown everyone else at school?" Fiona asked.

"Because Coynes operate outside of reality," Declan said. "Why do we always start school a day after everyone else? Why do we manage to come and go from any school we enroll in whenever we damn well feel like it without a parent present?"

Fiona shook her head. "So what did you do to...I mean...with Holly J after I exaggerated my drunkenness to get you two some alone time?"

"You got drunk JUST to help me get laid?" Declan asked. "Well...you know a sensitive caring individual would be concerned about the fact that his depressed, anxious, emotionally troubled sister is drinking outrageous amounts of alcohol _again_ while taking psychiatric meds which everyone knows is a terrible idea. In fact, considering I sent you _away_ because you purposefully got really drunk to get your way in Manhattan I should realize that allowing you to do the exact same thing to help _me_ get _my_ way kind of makes me a hypocrite, HOWEVER, since you're not the focus of this episode and I just had sex that really needs to be the primary focus of our discussion."

Fiona sighed. "Really? You guys did it?"

"He-yull YEAH," Declan said. "And we're totally back together."

"Well terrific," Fiona said. "She's the perfect addition to our fucked up incestuous family."

"My thoughts EXACTLY, Fi!" Declan grinned.

"So," Fiona grinned as she barged into the empty classroom where Holly J was working. "How was sex with my brother?"

Holly J looked up at her incredulously. "Uhm...why in the FUCK are you asking me that?"

"Curiosity?" Fiona asked.

"You don't already know?" Holly J asked.

"Not from _your_ perspective," Fiona said.

Holly J shook her head. "I can't tell you because I can't say anything bad about him to you."

"Oh sure you can. Tell me all the bad, naughty, dirty things you want," Fiona said.

"No I'm serious," Holly J said.

"Oh damn," Fiona said. "I hate it when people are serious."

"I didn't want to," Holly J said.

"Oh shit," Fiona said. "And according to season two, when someone says no it's rape."

"Something like that," Holly J said.

"But it can't be rape," Fiona said. "I mean you had sex before right?"

"According to the Rape and Incest National Network, and I quote, rape can occur when the offender and the victim have a pre-existing relationship (sometimes called "date rape" or "acquaintance rape"), or even when the offender is the victim's spouse. It does not matter whether the other person is an ex-boyfriend or a complete stranger, and it doesn't matter if you've had sex in the past," Holly J said.

And then edward_cullen_can_go_die_cuz_declan_is_way_hotter_227 jumped out of her computer screen and went, "IT CAN'T BE RAPE CUZ YOU WEREN'T SURE IF YOU WANTED TO OR NOT AND YOU KINDA GAVE IN AFTER A WHILE."

"Well quoting from the Rape and Incest National Network _again_," Holly J said, "people respond to an assault in different ways. Just because you didn't resist physically doesn't mean it wasn't rape."

"BUT BUT BUT BUT!" edward_cullen_can_go_die_cuz_declan_is_way_hotter_227 screamed. "YOU TOTALLY WANTED TO!"

"On Pandora's Aquarium, one of the largest websites dedicated to helping rape survivors heal from rape and sexual assault, there is a public article about this very subject," Holly J said. "Let me quote from an article called 'Real Rape: What Nobody's Telling You.' 'We, as a society, hear the word rape and picture a woman being attacked in a dark alley by some drifter. We, as media-educated drones, envision a college co-ed going to a party and being assaulted by a gang of frat boys. We, as women, imagine some sicko holding a knife to our throats to get what he wants. Is that rape? You bet. But, all those scenarios account for only about 28%* of rapes in America.'"

"WTF you're NUTS," edward_cullen_can_go_die_cuz_declan_is_way_hotter_227 yelled. "It can't be rape cuz okay MAYBE you said 'no' but then you changed your mind so yeah!"

Holly J sighed. "Well in the article, Shannon who is a very brave woman who created this entire site from the ground up, says, 'Real rape doesn't have to be physically violent. Only 5%** of completed rapes result in serious physical injury. So if the rapist didn't hurt them, how'd they get raped? Most rapes involve much more deceptive tactics to achieve the 'final goal.' The victim is pressured, coerced, manipulated and even tricked (lied to) into doing the will of the predator, even when they don't want to and say no. The tactics can vary, but we've all heard them voiced in society, 'I talked her into it'; 'I wore her down'; and the infamous 'No means Yes.' There is no such thing as 'convincing' someone to have sex. While I hate to use the cliché, it's puts it bluntly-No means No.'"

"BUT DECLAN DIDN'T MEAN TO YOU DUMB BITCH! And yeah he so did convince you cuz you kissed him!" edward_cullen_can_go_die_cuz_declan_is_way_hotter_227 said.

Holly J left in tears because that's what happens when you say stuff like that to people who had unwanted sexual contact.

"But how was _I _supposed to know that talking like that would hurt her?" edward_cullen_can_go_die_cuz_declan_is_way_hotter_227 asked.

"Sooooooo," Declan said after Fiona walked through the door to her apartment. "Does she TOTALLY want me?" he asked, jumping up and down on the bed.

"No," Fiona said.

"But come ON," he said. "What does a guy have to do? I totally changed, I came back, I threw a party, I coerced her into sex, what more does she WANT?"

Fiona sighed. "She didn't want to have sex with you last night."

"WHAT?" Declan shouted, getting off the bed.

"Did you _ask_ her if she wanted to?" Fiona asked. "Did she say yes?"

"Well no I just assumed it was cool cuz we've had sex before," Declan said.

"I KNOW RIGHT?" edward_cullen_can_go_die_cuz_declan_is_way_hotter_227 screamed.

"Who the fuck is that?" Declan asked.

"Never mind," Fiona said. "So did you actually _ask_ her if she wanted to have sex and then wait for a 'yes' or not?"

"Oh fuck...was I supposed to do that?" Declan asked.

"_Yes_," Fiona said.

"Well...you didn't ask before you kissed me that one time!" Declan said.

Fiona sighed. "I know...that was sexual assault and it was a terrible thing of me to do but when _I _did that I was shipped off to live someplace else and was forced into therapy and an abusive relationship and then moved far away from you to get some distance. And a surprise kiss while I was drunk as shit and extremely stressed is different than having unwanted sex with someone while you were completely sober."

"So what you're saying is if I move away and go get a therapist and date an abusive chick for a while, Holly J will take me back," Declan said.

Fiona banged her head against the wall a couple times. "You're MISSING THE POINT."

"I gotta go talk to Holly J and ask her if she thinks I raped her **in the middle of her work shift **where she can't actually _leave_ or talk freely in any way and is under more than enough pressure as it is!" Declan shouted, as he ran out the door.

"Great idea," Fiona said.

So then Holly J was at work in her ridiculous work outfit and Declan was like, "HOLLY J DO YOU FEEL LIKE I RAPED YOU?" at the top of his lungs.

"Declan, go home," Holly J said.

"BUT HOLLY J!" he screamed. "I NEED TO KNOW IF YOU THINK I'M AN OVER-AGGRESSIVE LUNATIC WHO WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET WHAT I WANT!"

"Leave," Holly J said.

"But Holly J, I would do anything to get what I want. And what I want is you," Declan said.

"Uh...saying you'd do anything to get what you want doesn't help prove to me that you're _not_ an overly aggressive lunatic who would do anything to get what he wants," Holly J said.

"HE IS NOT HE LOVES YOU OMG!" edward_cullen_can_go_die_cuz_declan_is_way_hotter_227 screamed.

Both were escorted out of the restaurant by ninjas. Why ninjas? Because they weren't doing anything tonight.

"Mom, Dad," Clare said as she walked through the door with Eli. "I'd like you to meet my Satanist boyfriend, Eli. You'll hate him."

"Nice to meet you," Mr. Edwards said. "You know as a Christian I am at least academically_ fascinated_ to meet a left-hand path practitioner. Now are you truly a left-hand path Satanist insofar as you refuse to serve and wish to achieve self-deification and become a god yourself, or are you just one of those posers who worships the devil? Even still, the statement made by either is one that modern Christians cannot afford to ignore."

"Eli hates the Lord and flips off churches," Clare said happily.

"Well I suppose every young boy has a hobby," Mr. Edwards said supportively. "In fact, I daresay if there _weren't_ people who flipped off churches, there would be no enemy and without an enemy, inspiring the excitement and vigor young people feel around religious activity would be much, much harder. I would even go so far as to say that by committing sacrilege, Eli is one of God's most noble warriors."

"Aren't you offended?" Clare pouted. "Eli is a part of Al Qaeda. I think he might even be responsible for 9/11."

"WHAT?" Eli asked.

"Well, shows quite the knowledge of world affairs," Mr. Edwards said. "Good for you."

Clare sighed. "His parents work with cars. Isn't that icky?"

"Icky?" Mr. Edwards asked. "I need some repairs, tell me where they work and I'll be some business."

"He's a horrible monster who's going to turn me against Christ," Clare said.

"Then break up with him," Mr. Edwards said simply.

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!" Clare said, running up the stairs and slamming the door.

And then they were like, "Clare, we're getting a divorce."

"You CAN'T get a divorce!" Clare screamed.

"But if we get a divorce it'll help real life teenagers struggling with similar tough issues to feel understood," Mr. Edwards said. "We think it's in everyone's best interest if we split."

The next day, Clare showed up in the worst outfit Hot Topic had to offer and that is saying something. "Hey Eli," she said, jumping all over him. "Ready to live dangerously?"

"Clare," he said. "I care about the rules."

"Wow...why are you wearing the school uniform?" she asked.

"Because I want to be a good person," Eli said.

"What about what you said earlier in the fic about being yourself?" Clare asked.

"Well right now I need to be a positive example," Eli said. "Stop using me to piss off your parents."

"WHINE!" Clare yelled.

"Are you really going to do stupid shit to mess up your relationship with the love of your life?" if_u_dont_like_eclare_u_should_be_shot_678 asked.

Clare nodded and walked away and ninjas peeked out the lockers, ready to strike.

So because it's EXTREMELY easy to get plane tickets the DAY you need them, Declan was packing to get on a flight back to Manhattan.

"Declan," Holly J said.

"You think I raped you!" Declan sobbed.

"That's not what I said," Holly J said.

Declan cried. "But you just kept talking about how if someone says 'no' it's rape like somehow a guy's supposed to know that _no_ isn't a word that means 'oh take me right now!' You were being so unfair to me!"

"YEAH, you're a jerk," xX_i_bask_in_declans_eternal_sunshine_Xx screamed.

"Why are all these random fangirls interrupting our conversations?" Holly J asked.

"So," Declan said. "Since you _didn't _say I was a rapist, you wanna dump Sav for me?"

"I need time to think," Holly J said.

"So after you think are you gonna dump Sav for me?" Declan said.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Holly J said.

"Well then I will wait every day of forever for your call, my beloved angel," Declan said.

"Well you might be waiting a long time," Holly J sighed.

"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, much less _tell _you that," Declan said. "But see, if I didn't say it, well, I'd still have felt it. So where's the sense in that?"

Holly J sighed. "All you're trying to do is make my life harder and return to where we were."

"I promise that's not what I'm trying to do at all. But I will go down with this ship," Declan said. "And I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door. I'm in love and always will be."

Holly J shook her head. "You know, you left _way_ too much mess and destruction to come back again. You caused nothing but trouble, so you really gotta understand if I can't talk to you again."

"Well," Declan huffed. "If you live by the rules of 'it's over' then I'm sure that that makes sense."

"Bye Declan," Holly J said.

"Soo...Declan," xX_i_bask_in_declans_eternal_sunshine_Xx said. "Doing anything tonight?"

_NEXT WEEK ON AN ALL NEW DEG-RAH-SSI!_

_CLARE WANTS TO MAKE THINGS WORK._

"Eli, I want to make things work," Clare said.

"I know, but sometimes I feel I've got to...get away from the pain you drive into all of the love we share," Eli said. "It seems to go nowhere."

"I know, but that can change," Clare said. "I mean, without you I've lost my life and I toss and turn, I can't sleep at night."

"Well," Eli said. "I know that once I ran to you, but now I kind of just run from you and this tainted love you're giving. Cuz see I already GAVE you all the love a boy could give you."

_ADAM IS FINALLY GOING TO TRY TO GET A GIRLFRIEND!_

"Fiona, I like you," Adam said.

"Adam, you can't like Fiona," Eli said. "She engages in incest."

Adam glared at Eli through narrowed eyes. "I seem to recall you and Clare being brother and sister not too long ago."

"Wait WHAT?" Eli asked.

Adam whipped out a DVD of _Murder in the Hamptons_. "Remember this?"

_WILL THE NINJAS GET CLARE? WILL ECLARE GET BACK TOGHETER? WILL ADAM GET FIONA? WILL THIS SHOW START REALIZING THAT "NO" MEANS "NO"? WILL TEEN NICK STOP POSTING VICTIM BLAMING BULLSHIT ON THEIR BLOG? FIND OUT THE ANSWERS TO SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS NEXT WEEK._

And if anything like what happened to Holly J happened to you (regardless of your gender or the gender of the other person), Google search "Pandora's Aquarium." It's a forum for survivors and they won't pass judgment if you were unsure if you wanted to or were in a more dubious situation that wasn't "man in the bushes attacks you."


	13. The Clare Chapter

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update this fic. The circumstances of my life are kind of intense right now so I have had a hard time doing that. But anyway, hopefully this is okay. I don't actually dislike EClare, I just thought this episode was a little over the top.

"So," Mr. Edwards said to his soon-to-be ex-wife. "What do you say we sell the house and not tell Clare we're doing it, leaving her in a horrific amount of suspense?"

Mrs. Edwards's eyes gleamed with delight. "And then we can just dump all the stuff she values and treasures from her childhood."

"WHAT?" Clare demanded as she rounded the corner. "That's not FAIR. My life is OVER."

Mrs. Edwards sighed. "Sweetie, we wanted to tell you that we were giddily planning on ruining your life for episodes, but we decided to drag it out for dramatic effect instead."

"You _can't_ ruin my life, that would ruin my life!" Clare shouted. "I mean, there is nothing beautiful and insanely awesome and wonderful for me to hold onto if Dad throws out his old wrist watch."

"You do realize that most people girls your age would practically kill their families to be with Eli," Mr. Edwards said. "And that most people are only sympathetic to your pain because they're worried it'll ruin their favorite pairing on the show."

Clare nodded. "I have realized that ever since the first time I was kidnapped by ninjas. But you're still ruining my life!"

With that, she stormed off to school because in Degrassi Land school happens as soon as your dramatic conversation with your parents is over.

So then Clare got to school and this random guy no one has ever seen before EVER and if you provide evidence to the contrary I will be most surprised shows up. "Hey girl I've totally known my whole life," he said. "I missed you at the Jesus Junkies Alliance that has totally met every week since season eight."

"I've never seen you before in my life," Clare said.

"Yes you _have_ Clare," the boy said testily. "It says so in the script."

"What?" Clare asked. "What version of the script is it?"

"Your parents must have thrown it out to give you something to be upset about for the case of furthering a dramatic plotline," the boy said.

Clare nodded. "Sounds like something they'd do."

"So you'll be at Jesus Junkies after school?" the guy asked.

"Sure, whatever," Clare said.

"I'm coming too," Eli said heart-breakingly-romantically. "Because although I am an Atheist so deep is my undying love for you, my fair sweet muse, that I shall cross rivers and take bullets to preserve your smile and the hope that glistens in your eyes and the innocence in your soul."

"By the way, my life is over," Clare told Eli.

"That sucks," Eli said.

"Thanks for being there for me," Clare said.

And now ladies and gentlemen, the moment we've all been waiting for...Adam getting a crush on someone who's not a complete bitch (although considering the people I know, I really don't think Bianca's a _complete _bitch because there's still hope somewhere out there in this universe that she'll pull a 180 like Jay did and become an awesome human being next season).

Fiona walked into a room with her skirt shorter than it usually is. "Hey guys. I was just walking past being incredibly hot and hoping no one would check me out. How's it going in here?"

"You should volunteer to...sleep with me...I mean...do whatever volunteer activity this show miraculously dreamed up to bring us closer," Drew said.

"Dude hold on," Adam said. "Hold the FUCK on. You have never loved anyone like you loved Alli, your girlfriend who you fucked things up with and lost completely _two episodes_ ago. And while most of us don't understand what you see in Alli, you _know_ you're just going to end up in love with her when she's done being at an all girl's school or whatever write off she got."

Drew shrugged. "Yeah man whatever, I'm trying to be stupid here so leave me alone. Fiona, you're hot."

Fiona rolled her eyes the way she does when anybody but her brother or Holly J act romantically towards her and Adam had this look on his face like _yeah man that is one sexy lady_.

So later Fiona was at The Dot and she felt the brilliant soul of eternal hope and butterflies touch her hand.

"Fiona," a voice whispered. "This is Atlantaenea. I'm coming to you in spirit to tell you to be with Adam."

"Wow, that's really creepy and yet vaguely flattering," Fiona said.

Atlantaenea smiled. "Cool. Mind if I sit here for a while?"

"Sure," Fiona said.

So then Drew showed up and sat on Atlantaenea.

"Someone's sitting there," Fiona said.

"Oh...does she mind that I'm sitting on her?" Drew asked.

"YES," Fiona said.

See? SEE? Atlantaenea _is _a part of the show. For serious. She's totally not an OC! I swear. Maybe next season she'll be in the previews. Wait for it.

"Cool," Drew said, getting off of Atlantaenea's soul. "So since you obviously want me, let's hook up."

Fiona sighed. "You are _way_ the fuck too normal for me. But why don't you ask Atlantaenea out? She's single now that Declan's forgotten she existed.

But Drew was sad because he's not spiritual enough to date someone who is currently unable to take human form. Poor guy.

"I'd like everyone to take a moment and think about how their lives are awesome because of Jesus," the random Christian dude said as they all sat in a circle and started praying.

"But my life ISN'T awesome," Clare sobbed. "In case you haven't heard, it's _over_. My parents are getting divorced. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone."

"Wow," the Christian guy said. "I am floored by how insensitive that is considering your sister, Darcy, got date raped after getting stalked by an internet molester not two years ago."

Clare sighed. "Darcy's gone. She doesn't have to deal with all the pain I'm in."

So then Eli showed up. "Oh Clare. I don't believe in God but I just love you too much to avoid a room that you're in."

"I don't believe in God," Clare sobbed. "If there was a God my life wouldn't be OVER!"

And then she stormed off.

"Wow, you really need a nice outing at the tackiest restaurant on the planet," Eli said.

Clare sighed. "That place looks like it belongs in the middle of nowhere. It's the kind of place you only eat at if the only other place for a hundred miles is an off-brand McDonalds. It does not belong in a huge metropolitan city like Toronto."

"We don't live in Toronto, Clare. We live in Degrassi Land. Plus you have to come dine with us so you can meet my parents."

So then Clare and Eli sat down next to a couple of really gross looking trailer park rejects with mullets. "Hey sonny boy," his dad said. "Who's the new squeeze?"

"Is that all I AM to you?" Clare asked Eli incredulously.

"No," Eli sighed.

"That one looks like a good romp if ya ask me," Eli's dad said. "Take 'er home and have some fun why don'tcha."

So then the parents left. "Why on EARTH would your parents think we were having sex?"

"They read a lot of fanfiction," Eli said.

"You don't...WANT us to have sex, do you?" Clare asked with a look of unparalleled horror on her face.

Eli sighed. "I love you and want to make you happy and despite having a male libido and sex drive, I am willing to put that aside for our relationship and do nothing but respect and honor you and embrace you in perfect love and trust and never do anything to breach the sacredness of conset, my dearest Clare."

"UGH you're a pervert who doesn't really love me!" Clare screamed, running off. "MY LIFE IS OVER!"

Fiona was on the steps waiting for a cab. "Hey," Adam said. "Listen. I know my brother's a complete loser but he's a much better guy than Bobby or Declan most of the time. So what do you say to giving him a chance?"

"I don't know, Adam," Fiona said. "I mean, I just feel like you and I totally connect. Like if you were born a girl or something you would have told me by now and it wouldn't even need to be a huge dramatic plot point next week. I just feel like I can trust you so completely to not have a single secret in the world."

"Uh...yeah," Adam sighed.

"But...as far as relationships go," Fiona said. "I just want a guy who wouldn't want to penetrate me with some elongated body part that he was born with. If only there were _some_ way a guy like that existed."

"Yeah, that sucks doesn't it?" Adam asked.

"Well bye," Fiona said flirtatiously, skipping off into a cab.

"Mom, Dad, you can't get a divorce!" Clare screamed as she walked through the door. "You're ruining my life."

"Well you know when Darcy got date-raped and ran off to Africa that kind of ruined our lives," Mrs. Edwards said.

"But don't _I _matter?" Clare asked.

"Yes," Mr. Edwards said. "But we like Darcy better than you."

"Yeah," Mrs. Edwards said wistfully. "It's so strange how she just never came back for second semester of her senior year and stayed in Africa forever. I wonder if I should be calling the FBI or something."

"Yeah," Mr. Edwards said. "Nah I'll just text her."

"Why is Darcy being mentioned so much in this episode?" Clare asked.

"So that when they focus the entire season ten movie on Darcy and Peter reconnecting it won't come out of fucking nowhere to people who have only been watching since a couple episodes through season eight," Mrs. Edwards said.

"Is that rumor slash theory confirmed?" Clare said.

"No, but let's face it sweetie. Degrassi is so predictable it's nauseating," Mrs. Edwards said.

"I'm LEAVING IN A BIG DRAMATIC HUFF!" Clare yelled, leaving in a big dramatic huff.

So then she ran all the way from her house straight to Eli's which the video editing implied was next door despite the fact that that makes no logical sense. "Oh ELI. Let's just have sex for no reason other than the fact that one small thing going badly in my life is making me question my personal relationship with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Clare," Eli said. "Do you have any idea how fucked up the world is? Seriously...of all the real teen issues this show has addressed, yours kind of fail. Okay, your parents getting divorced sucks but you never got hit on by Love Queen, thrown down a staircase, forced into therapy, sexually abused, or any other number of godawful things that happen on this show. You cannot be telling me that after what happened to your sister in season seven _this_ of all things is destroying your faith in God."

"I know but I really want this episode to end on a cliff-hanger where no one knows if we're going to have sex or not," Clare said.

Eli sighed. "Fine."

So then Drew asked Atlantaenea for her number and she didn't give it to him because when you're flirting with spiritual beings you usually have to wait for them to go back to their human form before they can actually write it in a way that you can keep with you for any significant length of time. Aren't you glad someone cleared that up for you?

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR AN EXCITING NEW EPISODE...

_CLARE'S ABOUT TO GO ALL OUT._

"Eli, I want to have sex with you," Clare said.

"Really?" Eli asked.

"I don't know and I won't have it figured out for another week so I guess you'll have to watch the episode."

_ADAM'S ABOUT TO ACTUALLY TRY TO DATE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HATE HIS GUTS._

"Was this big nondescript romantic gesture your doing?" Fiona asked.

"Uhm yeah," Adam said.

"I am going to angst about what it means for someone to be male for a while and then at some point in the future decide that your heart and mind are what I love and so on and so forth but for the time being make you feel like crap," Fiona said.

"Sounds good," Adam grinned.

_AND DREW CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT FIONA'S IMAGINARY FRIEND._

"I know she's still alive in that hospital," Drew said to KC.

"LEAVE ME ALONE, MY GIRLFRIEND'S PREGNANT AND I HATE MY MOM!" KC glowered.

_But HOW will it all play out? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK (IN A COUPLE DAYS, HOPEFULLY LESS TIME THAN IT TOOK ME TO GET THIS FREAKING UPDATE UP BUT FORGIVE ME I AM HAVING A HORRIBLE WEEK!_


	14. The Really Nutty Chapter

Clare stormed angrily into the room like someone who was really pissed off and unhappy. "ELI," Clare hissed. "I had to pack my stuff into _boxes_ and prepare for moving, something which everyone inevitably has to do around college time anyway, but for me is so traumatic you can not even effing imagine. The LAST thing I need is you stalking me! I like Fortnight, not Twilight, Eli and you standing here in the school _you_ go to and own a uniform for makes you _just_ as bad as Edward Cullen who hangs out in Bella's tree!"

"Clare," Eli sighed. "You wouldn't answer my calls and I was cast for you. Besides, my only friend on the show is after Fiona and that's taking up a lot of his plotlines right now. Calling you is the only thing for me to do."

Clare's eyes pierced daggers through Eli. "Except maybe still actually be affected by the unbelievably tragic loss of your ex girlfriend. GOD! If you loved me you wouldn't care that you had a dead ex girlfriend."

"Woah, calm down," Eli said. "That is so ridiculous and why are you using the Lord's name in vain?"

"Because you do not CARE about my faith and you think I'm full of shit. And the WORST THING IS, you think I'm being a dramatic obnoxious jerk!" Clare said, flailing her arms like a dramatic obnoxious jerk.

"Why are you acting like this?" Eli asked sensitively with eyes full of respect and compassion.

"Because you wouldn't have sex with me," Clare said.

Eli sighed. "So because I won't have sex with you, you're turning into a manipulative spiteful lunatic and withholding affection. Uhm...Clare...the abusive relationship checklist will clearly tell you that..."

"I don't CARE what makes a relationship abusive, Eli! My life is over!" Clare shouted. "And you think I'd be ruining your memories by taking Julia's place in your bed."

"Where do you even come up with this stuff?" Eli asked.

"THANK YOU!" I said, giving Eli a pat on the back.

"TELL ME THE INNERMOST SECRETS OF YOUR SOUL OR HAVE SEX WITH ME, THOSE ARE YOUR ONLY CHOICES!" Clare said.

Eli sighed. "You know, that actually sounds like something a psycho manipulative abusive lunatic who needs to be locked away for a very long time would say, so I have no idea who's writing your lines this week."

"I'm leaving you," Clare glowered. "And you're a horrible person who I never want to speak to again."

"Well okay then," Eli said, walking away.

"What is WRONG WITH YOU?" Clare asked. "I didn't say I wanted you to leave."

So then Drew and Adam were standing at their locker. "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah," Drew said.

"Fiona's going to give you another chance," Adam said.

"Oh sweet!" Drew said, crushing the hopes and dreams of a ton of people.

So then Drew walked away, leaving Adam crushed and before he could get a single moment of peace alone with his sad sadness, Clare stormed over.

"You look like I feel," Clare said in the most brooding voice ever.

"Wow, you know, you haven't talked to me in half a season. I didn't even know we were still friends," Adam said. "I think a lot of people were unsure about that, especially considering how lots of friendships like Emma and Liberty's and Manny and Liberty's just pop up when it's convenient to the plot only to completely disappear out of nowhere an episode later. I mean...just look at how Toby broke up with Kendra and her existence was never mentioned again."

"So Eli doesn't want to sleep with me," Clare said.

"Sounds dramatic," Adam said.

"Yes so the only reasonable thing for me to do about this is to sneak into his house and steal shit that I gave him," Clare said.

Adam stood their dumbfounded along with 85% of America and Canada. "Uhm...WHAT? Clare, have you been psychiatrically evaluated lately?"

"So I'm going to sneak into his bedroom like a creepy stalker later," Clare said. "I don't see how _that_ makes me in need of psychiatric help."

"Yeah good point," Adam said. "You sound like you're in the peak of health."

"My childhood is disappearing bit by bit. But I'm getting this bit back," Clare said.

"Seriously, this is Degrassi Land, Clare," Adam said. "Ms. Sauve is the best counselor in the world and can fix anyone's issues no matter how extreme in one episode. Consider it."

"NO," Clare said.

"...Okay," Adam said.

"So blah blah blah blah blah blah blah for some reason I have no idea I'm an insignificant and uninteresting character who wishes he could be JT but fails miserably," Dave said.

"Steal something for us so that Degrassi can teach children a lesson about how stealing is wrong," his new random cluster of friends said.

"AWESOME!" Dave said. "I totally have NO idea that I'm being set up for a lesson plotline."

And then Adam and Fiona looked at each other wistfully across the room, something that makes me happy. But then Fiona walked over to Drew and I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK FIONA?"

So then Clare approached Eli's house with a chain saw so she could burst his door down.

"Woah wait a second," Adam said.

"Why?" Clare asked. "I'm not doing anything illegal."

"Uhm actually," Adam sighed. "Yeah...why don't we just knock on the door?"

"H-ey!" Eli's comically disgusting father said in a comically disgusting voice while picking at his pants and smoking a cigarette.

"Can we go into Eli's room?" Clare asked.

"No, I was told that no matter what anyone says that is completely not allowed ever," Eli's dad said.

"Some extremely transparent lie," Clare said.

"Well that sounds fine then," his dad said. "You kids have fun."

So Clare tried a bunch of ridiculous stuff to try to get into Eli's room. "Let's just stop trying to break into people's rooms," Adam said.

"I can't believe you," Clare said. "You're a horrible friend to me!"

"Yeah but I'm a horrible friend to Eli if I break into his room," Adam reminded Clare.

"UGH you're ruining my life!" Clare said.

"FINE!" Adam said. "Try 22, 04, 09. Because Lord knows it isn't insensitive to use my knowledge of his tragic memories against him like this."

"Exactly," Clare said, opening the door.

And then they walked in and an avalanche of junk poured onto their heads. "Told you we shouldn't have come here," Adam said.

"Lame," Clare said. "And now that I snuck into his room for no reason he's going to hate me and think I'm psycho and manipulative and loony."

"Well Clare you kind of have been ever since last episode," Adam said.

So then Dave was trying to break into a car. "Dave," Wesley said. "I'm here to be the voice of reason and tell you that you're worth more than a group of lame loserish asshole friends who you have to prove yourself to and you don't need to hurt yourself."

"You're LAME!" Dave said.

"You don't know who your true friends are," Wesley whined. "I hate you!"

So then Dave stole a taser because LORD knows that isn't a stupid idea at ALL.

"Insensitive comment that totally doesn't acknowledge your deep emotional pain," Drew said to Adam.

"Shut up," Adam said.

"What do I have to do to get into her pants?" Drew asked.

"SHUT UP," Adam said.

"You know if I didn't know any better I might think you resent the fact that I always get with girls you like," Drew said.

"Well maybe I'd be a better pick for her considering she's halfway intelligent."

"Be SERIOUS Adam, you and she are from two different worlds!" Drew screamed. "I mean, she's too hot and interesting to want the most unique and progressive new character Degrassi has ever created."

"That is complete bullshit," Adam said.

"Well physically YOU'RE NOT A GUY so why would Fiona want you?" Drew bellowed. "Fiona only likes NORMAL relationships okay?"

There was a dead pause where I laughed for a few minutes.

"I'm just trying to HELP by being a complete dick!" Drew shouted.

So then Clare showed up at Eli's locker. "I rearranged everything in your locker without your permission, isn't that sweet?"

So Eli started hyperventilating and freaking out. "This is the NERVOUS BREAKDOWN everyone has been WAITING since the Boiling Point PREVIEWS FOR CLARE!" he screamed.

"You're acting irrational," Clare said.

"Someone's getting hurt!" Eli screamed, rummaging through the dumpster.

"Eli you're being irrational," Clare said.

"AND YOU BROKE INTO MY HOUSE LIKE A NUTCASE, GO AWAY!" Eli shouted.

And he had a point.

So then the scene opened to a delightful melody as Adam walked out the door to indicate that you're supposed to like Fadam more than EClare right now. "So Prince Adam," Fiona said. "Where were you this afternoon?"

"SOMETHING MELODRAMATIC THAT'LL MAKE YOU THINK I'M A JERK!" Adam yelled.

"Oh em gee I am so done with you," Fiona said.

So then Dave handed his friends a tazer. "A TAZER? AWESOME. This isn't dangerous and stupid at all! We're so excited!" they said.

"Tazers are dangerous," Dave said.

"Why don' you sadistically torture your best friend?" one of them suggested as Wesley walked over.

"Well...I don't _know_ if that's such a good..." Dave hesitated.

"DO IT!" they said.

"Well when you back the idea with that much logic I just can't help it," Dave said.

So then he tazed his friend, who naturally fell to the ground. Dave made an OH WHAT HAVE I _DONNNNNNNNE_ face as though he somehow didn't realize that fucking TAZING someone would hurt like a mother-okay I'm done.

"Yo, you okay?" Dave asked.

"You just TAZED me you idiot!" Wesley said. "What in the name of fuck would make you think I'm okay? I SO deserve that bikini date with Anya they keep showing in the trailers right now it is NOT even fucking funny!"

So then Clare picked up a box and her parents were like, "oh just kidding we're keeping the house to be nice to you."

"Well good plan," Clare said. "I mean considering the effort they put into building this set."

"So I hope you can stop being a lunatic to your boyfriend," her mother said.

"Me too," Clare said.

"Us too," the ninjas said.

So then Drew showed up at the Dot. "So is Atlantanenea here today?"

"She goes by Xanath," Fiona reminded him.

"Right, but still," Drew said.

"Go ahead," Fiona said.

"So my brother's awesome," Drew said. "Have you really not figured out what's different about him yet?"

"No," Fiona said. "I'm specifically blind to that fact because it'll help make the plot more dramatic that way."

"Oh okay, cool," Drew said.

So then Eli's mother with a hideous mullet got into the car with him. "I was going to make some grilled tempeh for dinner," she said. "I was thinking you could call Clare and invite her over."

"Grilled tempeh?" Eli asked. "Seriously. Of all the vegan meals you could make, grilled tempeh is rather an insult to the concept. Soy curls can be great in the right sauce, okay, and lentil meatballs are delicious but tempeh just kind of tastes like a foot."

"Well still," Eli's mother said. "Clare might like it."

Eli sighed. "I can't exactly invite her over you know."

"So what happened?" Mrs. Goldsworthy asked.

"We just aren't going to work out. We're from two different worlds. We're just not meant to be. She's from Venus and I'm from Mars. I don't want to ruin the friendship. Vague meaningless bull crap," Eli said.

"That sounds like vague meaningless bull crap," Mrs. Goldsworthy said. "You have a hoarding problem."

"Yes I know," Eli said.

"But given how incredibly simple psychological issues are, all you have to do is realize that you'll always have Julia in your heart and then you'll be able to organize all your stuff and have no further problems," Mrs. Goldsworthy said.

"Sweet," Eli said.

And then it stopped raining and birds started singing. Are you EFFING KIDDING ME?

So then Dave was like. "Come on, Wes. Be reasonable. It's not like I tortured you or something."

"Uh yeah it kind of is you dumb piece of shit," Wesley said. And then he took the tazer and tazed Dave who started laughing...? Okay well that's supposed to be heartwarming I think but...whatever...I'm just going to go bang my head into a table now and hope that makes this episode make more sense.

And then they started having a gay tickle fight on the ground...or something...*bangs head into wall.*

And then Eli showed up at Clare's house with a brooding look on his face. "Hey, what are you doing here?" Clare asked.

"I have a big confession to make. I hoard things," he said.

"Oh Eli," Clare said. "Do you realize that it is perfectly acceptable and normal to reach out for help? Do you realize that you're a special snowflake and the moment you realize that you want to change you reach out and make a beautiful first step towards the golden goal of transforming yourself and your soul?"

Eli shrugged. "No, I never knew that, Clare. Thanks for the info."

"Whatever you want, I'll do it," Clare said.

"Just don't give up on me," Eli said. "You're the sunshine in my heart of darkness. My muse in healing. My goddess. My love."

And then they hugged and it was sweet.

And then they went upstairs to clean up his room. "When it's ready, and you are, we'll totally do it," he said."

"Oh Eli, you actually CARE if I'm ready or not? That is the most ROMANTIC thing ever."

"Uh, no, it's really not," Eli said. "It's basic human decency."

"Aww," she said, cuddling into his arms even though she was the one pressuring him into sex a couple minutes ago but shhh. "You're the best."

_NEXT WEEK ON AN ALL NEW DEGRASSI!_

_ JENNA WANTS A NEW BOYFRIEND!_

"Hey Sav," Jenna said sluttily. "I'm a slut."

"I like what I'm hearing," Sav said.

_HOLLY J WANTS TO NOT LOSE HER BOYFRIEND._

"You are way too uninteresting and stupid of a character to derail a previously established and awesome relationship," Holly J said to Jenna. "No guy would leave a girlfriend for you."

"Except KC," Jenna said, narrowing her eyes.

_AND ATLANTAENEA WANTS A BIGGER ROLE IN THIS FIC._

_ WILL SHE GET IT?_

_ WILL I FIND SOME WAY TO WORK NINJA DEMONS INTO THE NEXT CHAPTER?_

_ FIND OUT WHENEVER I HAVE A SPARE MOMENT NEXT WEEK!_


	15. The Completely Disappointing Chapter

A/N: Again, sorry for the delay. I put the last two episodes into one big chapter though. Ten pages on MS Word. Hope you enjoy.

Before we begin this week's episode of Degrassi, we will take pause to listen to a hot new band of teenage boys with emo haircuts who like to jump up and down and yell in people's faces.

They started jumping up and down singing:

"_We're a manufactured BOY BAND_

_ Made of teenage boys with FEELINGS_

_ That girls really like cuz _

_ We're not sexually threatening!_"

BUY THEIR CD. NOW. DO IT. FORGET LIMEWIRE. BUY THEIR FUCKING CD. LOOK AT THESE PICTURES OF THEIR CD AND BE ENTICED TO BUY THEM!

So Sav was sitting at the table next to Jenna. "Hey there," Sav said. "Fancy seeing you in the same shot with me."

"I know," Jenna said. "It's so weird, we've gone to school together for two and a half whole seasons and _never_ interacted."

"I think that's because you two dating is an abomination against God and the mere suggestion of a pairing between you two would cause a lot of people deep emotional unrest," Chantay said.

"Shut up, Chantay," Sav said. "Stop trying to be a character people care about."

Jenna giggled at how hilarious Sav was. "My life is SO depressing," she said.

"Why?" Sav said. "I always have a smile on my face and a song in my heart, so I don't understand things like that."

"Well it's just that I'm pregnant," Jenna said. "I used to be popular, have a great boyfriend, and be super famous and now I'm just nobody."

Chantay rolled her eyes. "Sweetie, you were never any of those things. _I _was the only person you ever hung out with except for Alli and that's pretty freaking sad. And your boyfriend was a sociopath."

"Sociopaths usually have more charisma than KC," Jenna said.

"Okay point taken," Chantay said. "But he is seriously the most obnoxious person on this show besides me."

"Stop trying to get a plotline, Chantay," Sav said.

Chantay walked away in a huff. "Oh Savie," Jenna grinned. "Thank you for standing up for me like that, it was so romantic!"

"I'm a super innocent naive guy who doesn't know anything so I'm going to pretend I have zero clue that you're hitting on me," Sav grinned.

"Well wouldn't that make you a hypocrite considering that whole episode where you told Holly J she was being naive about Declan?"

Sav shrugged. "Well today it's more convenient to the plot for me to be completely and utterly clueless."

"Okay," Jenna grinned. "I hate my life! My brother can't show up for my pregnancy class and so I have to go all by myself."

"Well why don't you ask your charming ex-boyfriend who never wants to speak to you again?" Sav asked. "He seems like a really nice guy. I'll bet he'll be the best dad there ever was."

The camera cut to KC throwing shit at a random extra. "Excuse _you_," she said, turning around.

"IT SPOKE!" KC shouted to Drew.

"What spoke?" Drew asked.

"The random extra!" KC said.

"Oh FUCK that means she must be a character now...man...I gotta, I gotta get a CRUSH on her! Let's corner her so she can't escape and make obnoxious passes at her," Drew said.

"ON IT!" KC shouted, proceeding to do just that.

So then they did that and Jess looked at them like they were insane. "SO I GET TO GO OUT WITH YOU BECAUSE I NOTICED YOU WERE A CANON CHARACTER WITH A NAME FIRST!" Drew yelled.

"NUH UH I get her first because I threw shit at her first!" KC yelled.

"Guys doesn't throwing things at people usually mean you _don't _get to be with them?" Jess asked.

"I win!" Drew said.

KC suppressed the desire to start screaming and flaring his nostrils this early in the fic. "Try that two pages from now and you might not be so lucky," he said.

So then Jenna went to her locker and there was a cute little card. "I'm so glad there's a conveniently sucktastic dance coming up to give people good excuses to send each other secret admirer notes. You totally sent this, didn't you?"

"Uh..." KC said awkwardly. "I think Xanath sent it from the hospital to encourage you not to give up on your hopes and dreams actually."

"My life is RUINED!" Jenna sobbed.

"But I'll totally go to your prenatal whatever the fuck you were talking about earlier this episode," KC said.

"Oh you WILL?" Jenna said, suddenly devoid of the tears she was crying not two seconds ago. "Oh KC, you are my shining star...my one and only."

So then Jess took out her cell phone. "What's the plan?" she asked a mysterious person.

"Fuck with people's heads," the voice commanded. "Destroy all the ships on this show. Become a pointless filler character. If thou dost succeed, Xanath may NEVER return to Degrassi or get actual screen time."

"Sounds easy enough," Jess said.

"But I warn thee," the voice said. "This task is a difficult one. Marisol hath attempted last season and was never heard from again."

Jess sighed. "Well yeah but Marisol sucked."

"And you have to be even lamer," the voice said. "Your job is to replace Chantay when she graduates."

"Got it," Jess said. "I won't let you down."

"Wonderful," the voice said. "A ninja will walk you to class."

So then Drew was like, "Jess. Be my girlfriend."

"Why?" Jess asked.

"Because I have the whitest teeth on the entire fucking planet," he said.

"Deal," Jess said.

And now, a hot new band of teenage boys with emo haircuts who like to jump up and down and yell in people's faces.

They started jumping up and down singing:

"_We're a manufactured BOY BAND_

_ Made of teenage boys with FEELINGS_

_ That girls really like cuz _

_ We're not sexually threatening!_"

BUY THEIR CD. NOW. DO IT. FORGET LIMEWIRE. BUY THEIR FUCKING CD. LOOK AT THESE PICTURES OF THEIR CD AND BE ENTICED TO BUY THEM!

So then Jenna was pacing around all, "where the fuck is KC?"

"Don't worry," Sav said. "I've conveniently started fiddling with my guitar in the same part of the school you chose to angst in. Tell me what you need and I'll do it."

"KC isn't coming to my parenting class," Jenna said. "I'm TIRED of this," she said, throwing herself on the ground and sobbing. "All my life ALL I wanted was to steal some likable character's boyfriend and make him my baby daddy and NOW all my hopes and dreams are shattered! I don't care what Xanath tells me while she's in a coma! I hate my life!"

Jenna's tears started to flood around Sav's ankle. "Woah, woah, geez...okay I'll go to parenting classes with you."

And then a giant drain sucked up all the liquid and Jenna was happy again. "You will? Oh Sav you don't have to do that!"

So then Sav went to the parenting class and washed a plastic baby. "A word of advice from a random stranger who you've never met before in your life," a random stranger Jenna had never met before in her life said.

"Go on," Jenna said.

"That guy over there is obviously your soul mate," the random stranger Jenna had never met before in her life said. "Marry him."

"Cool," Jenna said.

Before we move on to the Wesley bit, please listen to this hot new band of teenage boys with emo haircuts who like to jump up and down and yell in people's faces.

They started jumping up and down singing:

"_We're a manufactured BOY BAND_

_ Made of teenage boys with FEELINGS_

_ That girls really like cuz _

_ We're not sexually threatening!_"

WHY THE FUCK HAVE YOU NOT BOUGHT THEIR CD YET? WE'VE SHOWED YOU THIS COMMERCIAL THREE FUCKING TIMES NOW! IF YOU DON'T BUY THIS CD WHEN THE EPISODE'S OVER, NINJAS WILL KILL YOU!

Meanwhile, Wesley started having a fanservicey daydream about Anya in a bikini eating a strawberry that made me go, "SHE'S IN HIGH SCHOOL THIS ISN'T APPROPRIATE FOR ME!"

And then Wesley ran from class all the way to the cafeteria where a universe paradigm shift had made it lunchtime already.

"Guys," Wesley said. "I had a wet dream in class."

"Aw man, dude, that's whack," Dave said.

"I KNOW," Wesley said. "It was about Anya in a bikini."

"I am going to fucking KILL whoever makes the trailers for Degrassi episodes," Connor said. "I mean, _just_ like in that Declan and Clare episode where she has kinky vampire dreams about him, they TOTALLY made it seem like that was REALLY going to happen and you and Anya were going to actually get together in this episode and then instead pulled some lame bullshit and made it a dream."

"You can still splice it for fan videos," Dave suggested. "Declan/Clare fans used to do that until ninjas murdered them in their sleep."

"Thou must never speak of DeClare," said a growling demonic voice beneath the table.

"Sorry," Dave said. "Anyway, yeah man that's whack that you got a boner and all. I'm super sorry."

"Thanks," Wesley frowned. "I hate this. How come you get to be so much cooler than me?"

"He's not actually cooler than you," Connor said. "He's just black."

"That is NOT the only reason I'm cool!" Dave said. "Remember that episode where Bruce the Moose spilled piss on me and then everyone randomly liked me for one episode?"

"Oh yeah," Wesley said. "That was pretty much the coolest thing that ever happened to anyone."

Dave nodded. "Damn right it was."

"You guys are full of shit," Connor said. "No one who's Chantay's cousin will ever be cool. EVER."

"Anyway, back to destroying Wesley's self-esteem," Dave said. "Anya is a SUPER experienced woman. She had sex ONE WHOLE TIME as a big awkward desperation move, Wesley. She's the coolest and most experienced sex goddess this world will ever see."

"I know," Wesley frowned. "I better do something stupid like go buy pills to keep me from having an erection which will probably land me in the hospital next episode."

"Great plan," Dave said.

We know you're all dying to get to the Adam/Fiona bit, but FIRST we are going to remind you that there is a great new band of boys with emo haircuts who like to jump up and down and scream in people's faces.

They started jumping up and down singing:

"_We're a manufactured BOY BAND_

_ Made of teenage boys with FEELINGS_

_ That girls really like cuz _

_ We're not sexually threatening!_"

COME ON YOU GUYS! THEY'RE HOTTER THAN WESLEY! DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU WANT THEM? BUY THEIR CDS! NOW! OR FACE THE WRATH OF THIS FIC!

So then Fiona and Adam were in art class. "I am standing here to prove to everyone who was confused that despite teaching English this season in place of the seasoned Ms. Kwan who some fanfiction writers still believe is employed at Degrassi, I am also still teaching art," the teacher said.

"So Fiona," Adam said. "I notice you have a heap of love notes taller than the ceiling."

Fiona sighed. "Oh well...I'm just really sad that I can't be in the city I left voluntarily for very good reasons right now. How can life be so unfair?"

"That's so tragic," Adam said.

"I just wish I had time to go shopping for a beautiful gorgeous sexy gown that would make you go _damn that Fiona is fucking hot_. But alas I don't and so we must never be together," Fiona said.

"Dude that really made no effing sense," Adam said.

"If you were my prince you'd find some ancient ruins in the middle of Toronto and do something romantic for me there," Fiona said.

"Anything for you," Adam smiled.

Great new band, emo haircuts, yadda blah...

They started jumping up and down singing:

"_We're a manufactured BOY BAND_

_ Made of teenage boys with FEELINGS_

_ That girls really like cuz _

_ We're not sexually threatening!_"

BUY THEIR CD...OR SOMETHING.

So then Jenna walked up to Holly J and was like, "hey Holly J, what do you think of Sav?"

"He's a super sweet guy," Holly J said.

"So...do you think since Anya had a miscarriage he wants a random pregnant skank to take her place?" Jenna asked.

Holly J stared blankly at Jenna. "Are you stupid?"

"Yes, Holly J," Jenna said. "But that doesn't answer my question."

"I'm a little busy putting up NO decorations for this random sucktastic dance," Holly J said. "I can't talk to you right now."

So then the dance happened and it sucked and Sav was singing all romantic-like with Jenna. "That was the best moment of my life," Sav said afterwards. "Who fucking knew that I could have so much fun with a character I have NEVER interacted with in the history of Degrassi?"

Jenna giggled. "I know, right?" she asked as she started kissing him.

And Jenna somehow didn't notice that Sav was making a major icky face.

So then Jenna walked up to Holly J and was like, "I met my soul mate."

"Really?" Holly J asked. "Whose boyfriend is he?"

"Yours," Jenna said giddily.

"You are NOT stealing my boyfriend," Holly J said. "I'll have you know that I'm a three-dimensional character with depth and a soul."

"Oh yeah?" Jenna asked. "No guy can resist a slut."

"Oh _yeah_?" Holly J asked. "Well we'll SEE."

"I like making boyfriends mine," Jenna said.

"Wow...you're going to make the most functional mother since that lunatic who was raising Alex," Holly J said.

"Boy has Degrassi ever gone downhill since then," Jenna said.

"No shit," Holly J said. "And it's all your fault."

"Nah, your generation was totally the beginning of the end," Jenna said. "The show was already fucked by the time I showed up."

"Are you kidding? You're the one who started the like twenty new people a season trend," Holly J said. "Sav will NEVER go for you."

"Wait until he decides the thing with Declan was your fault, engages in some victim blaming, and realizes I'm super cute and drama free," Jenna grinned.

Holly J looked back at her with a look of horror and despair. "Oh...no..."

Band...haircuts...

They started jumping up and down singing:

"_We're a manufactured BOY BAND_

_ Made of teenage boys with FEELINGS_

_ That girls really like cuz _

_ We're not sexually threatening!_"

BUY THEIR CD...OR SOMETHING.

The scene opened with Jenna and Chantay standing next to each other. "I'm going to make Sav cheat on Holly J," Jenna said. "It'll be like a fairy tale."

"Actually in most fairy tales the person trying to steal the man away is the evil witch, _not_ the princess," Chantay said. "And if you go by Disney the witch usually dies or something." Jenna shrugged. "Stop trying to be a real character."

"Okay I'll just stick to advancing your plotlines then," Chantay said. "When did Holly J and Sav start dating? I thought a season ago I mentioned being the gossip queen of Degrassi. Did they SERIOUSLY take that away from me? Fuck, this is bad Jenna. Without power squad, a blog, OR my gossip reputation, I am nothing. I'm an empty shell of a character."

"Well don't worry about it, because I'm going to break them up," Jenna said. "It'll be like they never happened and then no one will know you're losing your touch."

Chantay smiled. "I knew I could count on you."

"You know, I'll bet we're the ONE female friendship in this series that no one ever femslashes," Jenna said dryly.

"Well now that that idea has been released into the ether, it's really only a matter of time," Chantay said.

So then Jenna saw KC watching her every move. "Hey, KC," she said.

"Hey, Jenna, I've been thinking. I've been a real jackass for the last twenty two years of my life," he said.

"You're only like...fifteen or sixteen or something," Jenna said.

KC nodded with stressed out squinty eyes. "Yeah yeah yeah I KNOW OKAY? GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE."

"Forget it," Jenna said. "Sav is everything I want, Sav is everything I need, Sav is everything inside of me that I wish I could be. And you know what? He says all the right things at EXACTLY THE RIGHT TIME! So...screw off."

"Jenna, he means NOTHING TO YOU and you DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY!" KC yelled.

So then Sav walked into the Serious Conversation Room with Jenna. "Hey Jenna. I don't actually like you like that."

"WHAT?" Jenna screamed. "YES YOU DO!"

"No I don't," Sav said.

"What about how you kissed me?" she asked.

"_You _kissed _me_," Sav said.

"What about how you wanted to be a dad with Anya?" Jenna asked.

"We made that shit up so I'd get elected president," Sav said.

"You MONSTER!" Jenna said.

"Well technically Holly J made it up to sabotage me," Sav said.

"So why are you with her?" Jenna asked.

"BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" Sav yelled.

So then he went and talked to Holly J. "Wow, so I just got done breaking Jenna's heart," Sav said. "You know what I love about you? The fact that you would never hook up with someone and then not tell me about it for a super long time."

"Oh shit," Holly J said. "Cuz that's exactly what I did. But it was totally a mistake that involved me saying 'no' and him doing it anyway."

"God DAMN," Sav said, storming out of the room.

So then Jenna was like, "why are you sobbing?"

"Cuz I dumped Holly J despite the fact that I'm in love with her," Sav said.

"Wow that's super stupid," Jenna said. "Glad I'd never date a guy who would dump a girl he was madly in love with."

"Yeah," Sav said. "So anyway...sorry this plotline was such a letdown. They actually made it seem like you had a snowball's chance in hell at getting with me. You must be sad."

"Yeah kinda," Jenna said.

So then KC showed up. "I'm such an IDIOT! All I do is steal boyfriends and ruin good relationships!"

"Well hey, you stole me and THAT was a good idea," KC said.

"What are you talking about?" Jenna asked. "You dumped me."

KC thought long and hard about what he wanted to say until he finally settled on the right words. "Jenna...I shouldn't love you but...I want to. And every time I try to talk to you, it comes out _wrong_. It never comes out right."

"So what?" Jenna asked.

"So...I say why don't you and I get together? Take on the world and be together forever," KC said.

"I'm sick of that song," Jenna said. "Do you know how many fanvids have that in them?"

"A lot," KC said. "Take me back."

"Okay," Jenna said.

So then Adam was in art class and was all, "hey Fiona come to my perfect and unspeakably romantic and beautiful party."

"You're not just doing that for me are you?" Fiona asked.

"No way," Adam said. "YES."

"Hmm I'll have to think about it," Fiona said.

So then Wesley was like, "HEY ANYA I GOTS US A LIMO!"

And Anya made an awkward face. And when they got to the restaurant, Anya started eating mozzarella sticks in a way that toed the line between fan service and completely uncomfortable to look at. And then Wesley got a big boner.

"Hey I got a big boner," Wesley said.

"Oh that sucks. Let's get to the hospital," Anya said.

So they went to the hospital and Dr. Not Gay showed up. "Hey Anya," he said brightly.

"Hi, Dr. Not Gay," Anya said. "You know considering we made such a big production out of guessing your sexuality last season, it seems only reasonable that you would actually have a relationship at some point."

"But what about ME?" Wesley asked. "The previews made it look like I was going to actually get a girlfriend."

"Oh don't worry, you'll make someone less hot than me very happy someday," Anya said. "Here's a kiss to add insult to injury."

So then she kissed him and he was happy. Happy enough to arrange a secret date for Anya and Dr. Not Gay. Leaving plenty of room for a new Paige/Matt pairing next season. Because Anya really couldn't just be proud of her nerdiness and introduce Wesley to larping and have a cute geek relationship. No way.

So then KC and Jenna ran into the only restaurant in Degrassi Land and were like, "HOLLY J'S BOSS, LET HER GO!"

"Why?" Holly J's boss asked.

"STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!" KC shouted.

"Oh well considering this is only the ONLY restaurant in the entire Degrassi universe besides The Dot which only serves food when it feels like it, it's not busy here or anything so Holly J should definitely go. I am after all way more of a hopeless romantic than a business man," her boss said.

So then Holly J ran all the way to the party where she and Sav were reunited. "You're all I want," Holly J said. "What happened with Declan was dub-con at best. What we have is so special."

"Oh Holly J," Sav said. "Our casual little thing just doesn't feel very casual to me right now."

Holly J sighed. "Sav. No one likes us together. We _need_ to stay casual so that everyone who likes me with Declan, Fiona, Jane, Jay, or Spinner can hold on to false hope and all the people who want you with Anya won't have to move on."

Sav shook his head. "No, no, H J it's okay now! By suggesting a pairing between me and Jenna the show has everyone so thoroughly repulsed that they'll accept ANYTHING to keep that from happening!"

Holly J smiled, shook her head, and sighed in wonder at what a terrific man she was falling in love with and then they kissed.

"Woah does that mean there's a concievable reason on EARTH for people to be happy to see us back together?" KC asked Jenna.

"Yep," Jenna said. "I didn't really like Sav, KC bear. It was all a plot device to make us look better as a couple."

"I LOVE YOU!" KC said.

And then KC and Jenna kissed. And Fiona didn't show up.

"Dammit I'm the most functional person who has ever shown interest in that girl," Adam sighed. "Why isn't she going for me?"

Deep in a dark, scary room, Fiona's hands were bound to a chair. She could hear her phone in the distance, but couldn't reach out to grab it.

"Who's calling you?" Jess asked.

"I don't know!" Fiona said.

Jess picked up the phone. "Your _boyfriend_? Adam?"

"I'm not dating Adam!" Fiona said. "I'm an ice queen, remember?"

"Funny he still likes you considering you ate his brother on Halloween," Jess said.

"Just never let things go, do you?" Fiona asked.

Then, the door opened and Leia approached followed by Marisol, Tinsley, Victoria, Sexy Becksy, Kelly, Blue, Damien, Chester, the British guy Ashley left Degrassi to date, that Chris guy who dated Emma, Towerz or whatever his name was, Heather Sinclair, and Kendra.

"What the fuck?" Fiona asked.

"Do you know what we all have in common?" Jess asked.

Fiona shook her head. "I've never even heard of half of you."

"There's a reason for that," Jess said. "We're empty shells of characters who never got to develop. We have no souls."

"That's really fucked up," Fiona said. "Can you let me out of here?"

"NO!" Jess shouted. "We want to be in the intro. We want plotlines. We want to battle with identity issues and drink ourselves into comas and have pregnancy scares too."

"Yeah," Blue said.

"Spinner got married and I wasn't even INVITED!" Kendra said. "He's my brother! You'd think they could have at least gotten an actress who looked kind of like me and blurred her face during the wedding scene. They at least did that much for Toby."

"Well don't get me started on how I went to Degrassi for SIX YEARS and the only shot they ever took of me you couldn't even see my face," Heather said. "My sister still goes to this school. How come I don't get an end-season movie where I get reunited with my one true love? How come I don't even GET a true love?"

Fiona sighed. "Well look, that's not really my problem."

"Yes but _my _cut plotlines are," Tinsley hissed. "If you hadn't left New York I might be a legitimate character."

Fiona sighed. "The author of this fic has an interesting idea of how to fix that problem but isn't going to share it because she doesn't want anyone to steal it."

"Atlantaenea or _Xanath_ as you called her used to be a random insignificant character just like us," Jess said. "She used to be so one-dimensional that anybody could use her in a self-insert fanfiction. Now she has dimension. Depth. And her pure angelic soul thrives on the pure love of canon Degrassi pairings."

"Now HEY," Blue said. "Don't you DARE tell me that my fanon love for Declan isn't as pure as freshly fallen snow."

"Shut up, Blue," Damien said.

"If you fall in love with Adam," Jess said, her eyes narrowing evilly. "Xanath will become SO powerful that she will make credits and I will never see it past this season."

"I highly doubt that," Fiona said.

"Yes well..." Jess laughed. "I doubted that they'd actually bait and switch Wesley and Anya hooking up and Jenna and Sav hooking up only to just reestablish the same tired pairings at the end of this episode when we're supposed to be dealing with THE BREAKING POINT but it happened."

"Good point," Fiona said dryly. "Are you going to let me escape?"

Jess shrugged. "Guess you'll have to wait until February to find out."

"Okay...you're fucking kidding me. You mean Adam and I aren't getting together, _no _drama is happening between Sav and Holly J, Wesley and Anya aren't happening, AND the entire Atlantaenea being in the hospital plotline is just being put on hold for TWO MONTHS?"

Jess smiled. "The entire last episode or so was just a shitty setup to make people stop hating Sav and Holly J together and to give people a conceivable reason to want KC and Jenna at this point."

"DAMN that's stupid," Fiona said. "I mean, if I were in the audience I'd be fucking pissed right now. I'd be changing the fucking channel."

"But that's just it," Jess said. "You can't with Degrassi because you NEVER KNOW when they'll make a halfway decent episode like _My Body is a Cage_ sandwiched between a bunch of crap about Jenna being on American Idol and Clare being mad at Eli over nothing. But don't worry. At least we got to see Eli and Clare in a hammock."

"That was _not _enough to make this episode worth it," Fiona said dryly.

"I know," Jess said. "But what can you do.

So then Adam went back to the party. "Why does my life suck?" he asked the universe.

"Because Umbrella and this episode sucked so much that a romantic cliff-hanger is the only way to ensure people stay interested in the show," the universe said.

"Oh okay," Adam said. "Thanks for clearing that up."

_TUNE IN IN TWO FUCKING MONTHS TO FIND OUT IF __ANYTHING__ IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING ON DEGRASSI._

COMING IN 2011.

_ALLI STILL EXISTS._

_ A GUY WHO IS 90% LIKELY TO BE FITZ KISSES ANYA DESPITE THE IMPROBABILITY OF HIM BEING ALLOWED TO RETURN TO DEGRASSI AT THIS POINT._

_ ADAM GIVES BIANCA A WEIRD LOOK ACROSS THE ROOM._

_ FITZ SHOWS UP ON CLARE'S DOORSTEP LOOKING LIKE A SERIAL KILLER ON A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT. _

"FITZ!" Clare will shout. "Why are you dripping wet and seething with murderous rage?"

_RILEY'S MOM WILL WALK IN ON HIM AND ZANE. YES, ZANE AND RILEY STILL EXIST._

_ SAV WILL START YELLING AT ANYA. _

_ "You made my life a living hell!" Sav will shout._

_ "Well I'm __sorry__ I went missing but it's not exactly like there aren't fucking ninjas ALL OVER THE CITY flipping shit every time someone seems to be getting in the way of EClare," Alli will say._

_ HOLLY J WILL WALK IN ON FIONA WITH A GUY WHO IS HOPEFULLY ADAM._

_ FIONA WILL START DRINKING AGAIN._

_ MRS. TORRES WILL RETURN TO GIVE THIS PARODY MORE PIZAZZ._

_ "ARE YOU HIGH?" she will ask Drew._

_ "Uh yes ma'am," Drew will say._

_ "THAT'S IT!" she will shout. "TIME TO BLAME THIS ON PRINCIPAL SIMPSON AND MAKE HIS LIFE SUCK EVEN MORE."_

_ ATLANTAENEA WILL RESURRECT ALLI'S SOUL, GIVING HER A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE. AND YES, THE FACT THAT MISSING POSTERS GO UP OF ALLI __PROVES__ THAT THE NINJAS ARE CANON._

_ ARE YOU EXCITED?_


	16. The OMG DID YOU SEE The PROMO Chapter

Holly J was sitting in her bedroom. "God this apartment sucks," she said. "I wish the new season would start already so I could get out of here. I mean for heaven's sake I'm twenty-one years old. I'm getting really tired of being in high school. I really hope there's at least a new promo or something soon."

Just then, an announcer burst through her window. "ARE YOU READY...FOR THE NEW WHATEVER THE FUCK WE'RE CALLING PART THREE OF THIS SEASON?"

"Yeah, I'm more than ready for it, but you really didn't need to break my window," Holly J said. "I mean, do you know how little I get paid at my tacky themed restaurant job? I mean, I BARELY make enough money to always be at least as well-dressed as Fiona who is ridiculously fucking rich."

"DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THE PROMO OR NOT?"

She shrugged. "I guess so, as long as you're here."

He jumped onto her bed and took a dramatic pose. "COMING TO TEEN NICK, EVERY. THING. WILL. CHANGE," the announcer said.

"Uhm...wait a second, I'm really not convinced," Holly J said. "I mean during the Boiling Point you said everything was going to change and really all that happened was you added a bazillion new characters and tried to make Eli sexy enough that people would forgive you for dropping Spinner, Jane, and basically every recognizable trace of the old cast except for me, Sav, and Anya. And then I was like...meh, okay, I'll suspend my disbelief. But then in the Breaking Point you said everything was going to change but then all that happened was Clare had a big temper tantrum and Wesley got a boner. There wasn't even a halfway decent Xanath plotline. Frankly I don't even know if she's still in the hospital, and I doubt half the people reading this fic even remember she ever was. You know I'm really not buying this anymore."

"THIS TIME IT WILL BE DIFFERENT!" the announcer said.

Holly J sighed. "There is absolutely nothing you can tell me that will restore my faith in the third part of this season. Nothing. You had your chance and you blew it."

"Adam's looking for LOVE!" the announcer said.

Adam looked romantically into Fiona's eyes and Fiona kept that bored kind of pissy look on her face that she had all through season nine.

"Yeah yeah we know that already. People have been predicting Adam and Fiona since Shark in the Water," Holly J said. "Seriously, this is getting old."

"ALLI IS TRYING TO STOP BEING A PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A CHARACTER!"

"Mom, dad, I've CHANGED it's just that everywhere I go I end up having sex with a random idiot and then suffering terrible but remarkably educational consequences that teach the kids at home not to have sex before they're ready and mature enough to do so," Alli whined.

"Oh what are you whining about?" her mother asked. "Your private all-girls school uniform is WAY more attractive than what they are wearing at Degrassi. You are the only character who looks good right now."

Holly J rolled her eyes. "Can we get on with it?"

"AND CLARE WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO SABOTAGUE HER PERFECT AND ENVIABLE LIFE BECAUSE SHE'S THE NEW EMMA."

"I'm sorry Eli, it's just every time I see you I feel like WHINING!" Clare said. "You don't UNDERSTAND."

"Clare, the whining business is really getting old," Eli said.

"How can you SAY that?" Clare screamed. "I thought you were emo!"

"Woah now hold on now. Calling someone emo simply because he has black hair is a gross oversimplification of emo subculture not to mention a tragic dismissal of real mental health problems that often fly beneath the radar because of the stigma we attach to emotional distress," Eli said.

"Yeah okay how does that count as _everything _changing?" Holly J asked. "That's basically the same old filler we were dealing with in 2010."

"BUT BEGINNING IN FEBRUARY!" the announcer shouted.

Fiona started drinking a whole bunch of alcohol. "Drinking makes it easier," she said.

"Drinking makes what easier?" Adam asked.

"Being with you," Fiona said.

"Wow," Holly J said. "I mean...damn I knew she was a somewhat insensitive and manipulative friend who had no real sympathy for me when I had dubiously-consensual intercourse last season but even for her that was cold."

"IT GETS BETTER!" the announcer shouted.

"Can you stop shouting?" Holly J asked.

"ALLI WILL PROVIDE FILLER MATERIAL BETWEEN ACTUALLY RELEVANT PLOTLINES," the announcer said.

"Running away is my ONLY ESCAPE!" Alli said. "My life is just SO hard as is...I mean look at me. I'm a blonde now. It looks hideous! Wouldn't _you _run away if you were me?"

"ELI WILL TRY TO BE ROMANTIC WITH CLARE ONLY TO HAVE HER ACT LIKE A COMPLETE BITCH," the announcer shouted.

"I would like to do something wonderful for you that both of us will enjoy," Eli said.

"That sounds TERRIBLE!" Clare screamed. "I am being SUFFOCATED! I am in a cage! I am drowning in painful despair."

"People changed their usernames over our love. Do you want to ruin their joy in life?" Eli asked.

"Okay I REALLY do not care about ANY of this," Holly J said.

At this point, the announcer was getting desperate. "Degrassi has literally tried EVERYTHING to keep people interested and we are running out of ideas. You have NO idea how hard this is for us."

In the depth of his desperation, he reread this fic. "Too late to bring Jane back and pair her with Holly J and Declan at the same time...too soon to have Jess kidnap Fiona...hmm...what other good ideas can I steal from The Boring Point?"

Then, it hit him.

"I love you, Adam," Fiona said.

"No you don't," Adam said. "You are a big...flaming lesbian."

"No I'm not, what the fuck?" Fiona asked. "I totally date guys who aren't my brother all the time."

"You dated a gay guy ON PURPOSE season nine because you didn't want a straight boyfriend. And then you dated Bobby basically so people would stop shipping you with your brother, and now you're dating a pre-op transman. Oh and let's never mind that you behaved exactly like a five-year-old with a crush towards Holly J all through the movie AND moved away from your family just to live close to her and asked her to walk you to class and held her hand in the hall and arranged spa days with her and..."

"Okay I get it," Fiona said. "But the show is NEVER going to admit that there's obvious raging chemistry between us. We're basically the present day Paige and Manny. They'll beat the shit out of you with the suggestion but never actually do it."

"LOOK AT YOURSELF!" Adam said.

He pointed to the promo that was playing, where Fiona was seductively standing behind Holly J.

"You're beautiful," Fiona said.

And then I jumped through the screen and was like, "I called that pairing SO early in season nine it was NOT even fucking funny. People told me it was my wishful thinking but LOOK! LOOK! DID YOU SEE IT! Okay I know they're just going to make Holly J straight and destroy my hopes and dreams but SHUDDUP, BLEH. I COMPLETELY CALLED IT!"

And then Eli was like. "Just promise me, that you will never leave me, Clare. I have mental instability don't forget."

"I thought we chalked all that up to a hoarding problem. I thought you stopped being mysterious last season and turned out to just be a soft vulnerable guy with a sad past," Clare said.

"Oh I'll never stop being mysterious," Eli said. "It would stop people from liking me."

"ELI MIGHT DIE!" the announcer said.

"Hold on a second," Holly J said. "I think Fiona dating Adam was more than enough to get people interested. Fiona actually being gay and dating a transman to try to hide from the fact is SERIOUSLY going to re-interest a huge portion of the fan base. And NOW on top of ALL that you're threatening Eli's life?"

"Well let's face it," the announcer said. "A lot of fans are young straight teenage girls. They probably don't care that much about Fiona/Adam and they certainly don't care about you lezzing out with Fiona. So yeah."

"So you're basically threatening people into watching the season," Holly J said. "Doesn't that seem a bit crazy to you?"

"Oh we do it all the time," he said. "I mean...the other promo had Fitz showing up like a psychopath and then there was the time when we showed those close-ups of Amy passed out on the floor in season three and it turned out she was just drunk. And then there was that really subtle, SOMEONE WILL DIE thing we did before JT's death that wasn't ridiculous AT ALL."

"Oh please," Holly J said. "You're not going to kill Eli. Your ratings would tank."

"We know, but if we make fifteen-year-olds _think _we will...then they'll watch the show even though we took away his hot goth costume," the announcer said.

"Huh, I guess I see your point," Holly J said.

WILL DEGRASSI LET HOLLY J AND FIONA GET TOGETHER?

WILL THEY JUST MAKE HOLLY J STRAIGHT THUS COMPLETELY WASTING A GOOD PLOTLINE AND LEAVING ADAM WITHOUT ANY LOVE?

WILL THEY GET BIANCA TO GIVE ADAM A CHANCE TO AVOID WASTING HER CHARACTER ON PEOPLE LIKE DREW?

WILL DR. NOT GAY TURN OUT TO BE A BETTER BOYFRIEND FOR ANYA THAN MATT WAS FOR PAIGE?

FIND OUT NEXT MONTH!

ONLY ON TEEN NICK.

AND MUCH MUSIC.

AND THIS FIC.


	17. The Adam Chapter

The camera zoomed in on Sav wearing a really stupid outfit. It was a toga with a flesh colored shirt under it. "My character barely has any purpose anymore, so they're putting me in this unbelievably tacky outfit," Sav said. "It's unfortunate considering in earlier seasons I was actually almost useful or interesting and now I'm little more than a placeholder boyfriend for Holly J with no actual friends left at Degrassi. But anyway, moving on from that sad point, Degrassi is having a dance so buy some shit and start some drama!"

"Uhm wait a second," Anya said as she passed. "Didn't Degrassi like JUST have a dance LAST EPISODE?"

"Well yeah but that wasn't a Degrassi dance!" Sav said. "That was a sad depressing attempt on Adam's part to make Fiona like him."

"Well clearly," Anya said. "But I mean the episode before that we had that lame dance where Jenna hit on you. That was probably less than a week ago Degrassi time. And do you seriously expect anyone to believe it's Valentine's Day? I mean assuming The Boiling Point's finale which was a fucking DANCE ended right before winter break, that would mean that ALL of The Breaking Point happened in January."

"Yes...well...we don't talk about that lest we be hauled off by ninjas," Sav said.

"Oh right, well that makes sense," Anya said. "See you around."

Anya sighed in dismay, passing her only heterosexual ex boyfriend and told herself that him wearing a toga meant that she didn't have to feel an ounce of resentment towards Holly J for getting with him so shortly after they broke up.

"I'll take a bouquet of yellow flowers," Anya said.

"Oh, who's the lucky guy?" Holly J asked.

"My mom," Anya said. "She has CANCER. How the fuck does everyone keep forgetting this?"

"Because it's not a very interesting plotline and really only exists to give you a reason to hook up with someone way too old for you," Holly J said. "Anyway I certainly hope these flowers make it to your mother and don't end up with Dr. Not Gay, but either way I'm your best friend and you can always talk to me."

"Since when?" Anya said.

"Since I started suspecting that Fiona wanted a threesome with Declan and me," Holly J said.

Anya sighed. "Well considering Leia got kidnapped by ninjas, I guess I have no choice but to be friends with you again."

"Exactly," Holly J smiled.

The before-mentioned Fiona was standing conveniently against the same wall Adam was walking past. "Hey," Fiona said.

"Why'd you skip my party?" Adam asked. "Our hookup was the only thing anyone was looking forward to in The Breaking Point and you ruined a perfectly good episode."

"I was kidnapped by ninjas," Fiona said. "They let me go because I promised to give you another chance."

"Sweet," Adam said. "So...do you mind being the leading lady in the play and kissing me?"

Fiona considered this. "Well you've never seen me act before so how do you know I'm any good?"

"Everyone at Degrassi can either play an instrument or act. And since you can't play an instrument as far as I know, you must be a good actor," Adam said.

"Good point," Fiona said.

So then as Fiona was auditioning Adam was like, "so Eli. I was thinking of just NOT telling Fiona I was transgender and hoping she won't mind."

"That sounds like a bad idea," Eli said.

"Nah," Adam said.

So then Dave was like. "DAMMIT. The extras are making out in front of my locker AGAIN."

"That SUCKS," a never before mentioned character said.

"Yeah it sucks that I don't have a girlfriend," Dave said.

"Well there's obvious chemistry between us considering I barely know you but still happen to be the only available girl within your age bracket and you happen to be the least openly nerdy guy on the show," she said.

"Let's make out," Dave said.

"Cool what's your name?" she asked.

"Dave," he said.

"Sadie," she said.

"Alright would you GET ON WITH IT?" asked. "NO ONE CARES about these two."

"SHUT UP!" Dave said. "Let me have my moment!"

"FINE!" shouted.

So then Dr. Not Gay was like, "Anya, your mom doesn't have cancer which means you'll never have to look at my ugly face again."

"Oh no," Anya said.

"Aren't you GLAD I don't have cancer?" Anya's mom asked.

"Uh yeah but...whine!" Anya said.

So then Anya and Holly J were walking into the cafeteria despite not having been friends for over a year. "So there's this pedophile I am SERIOUSLY crushing on," Anya said.

"Uhm honey he's not a pedophile. Technically the correct word for an adult individual who wants to have sex with an adolescent is ephebophile."

"Well aren't you just brilliant?" Anya asked. "And who said he wanted to have sex with me?"

"The fanfic writers," Holly J said. "Anyway all you need to do is hang out with him. Then you'll learn how not sexually appealing he is and that will be that."

"So in other words I should directly put myself in a situation where it's likely that I'll do something stupid and hope it goes well," Anya said.

"Yep," Holly J said. "What kind of best friend would I be if I discouraged you from doing that?"

"There you go," Anya said.

So then FINALLY we got back to Fiona and Adam.

"Woah this is the best set I've seen on Degrassi," Adam said as he walked into her house.

"Yeah some really terrible things happen here on a regular basis but it's pretty," Fiona said. "You don't mind if I get drunk of my ass do you?" Fiona asked.

"No way," Adam said.

"Good. I'm not an alcoholic I only do it to relax I can stop anytime I want DON'T JUDGE ME," she said.

"Cool I'm totally convinced," Adam said.

So Fiona started drinking. "Some people think I shouldn't mix loads of champagne with anti-anxiety medication. Those people are SO uptight I can't even believe it."

"Well I'm cool with it," Adam said.

"Perfect," Fiona said.

The two of them decided to rehearse the kissing scene before any other part of the play because that's totally how you do it. "So before you kiss me...I'm transgendered."

"Meh whatever," Fiona said.

"Well uhm I just thought you'd freak out because that's usually what girls do," Adam said.

"Well I'd rather kiss you than any other guy at school," Fiona said.

Before Adam could start to wonder what she meant by that, Fiona spilled something all over him to cover up her bad case of teh gay.

So then Dr. Not Gay approached a restaurant. "Oh my god it's Dr. Not Gay, here choke on this olive!" Anya said to Holly J.

"What the fuck?" Holly J asked.

"DO IT!" Anya said.

So Holly J did it and Dr. Not Gay saved her life. "So now that you saved Holly J from life threatening peril, what do you say to my thinly veiled flirtation?" Anya asked.

"Oh I'm actually meeting someone significantly less attractive than you," Dr. Not Gay said. "Sorry."

Someone significantly less attractive than Anya waved in the background.

"Darn," Anya said.

So then Fiona was like, "Adam I'm fucked up and you're going to hate me."

"I tried to date Bianca and my best friend is Eli," Adam said. "And for the love of God, have you seen my MOTHER? As long as you're less fucked up than her we can date."

"Wait, which mother?" Fiona asked. "Because on Life With Derek my mother on this show was your mother which kind of makes our relationship a bit weird for people who ever watched that show."

"Yeah that is a bit awkward, isn't it?" Adam asked.

"Nothing's too awkward when I'm drinking," Fiona said.

And then they kissed.

"Well damn!" someone said. "That was the longest LGBT first kiss Degrassi has ever had."

"Almost makes up for that awkward Palex kiss that totally sucked," someone else said.

"Don't touch Palex," DegrassiHasSuckedSincePalex said. "They're sacred."

"Sorry."

So then Dr. Not Gay called and asked Anya out. "I'm totally not too young for you," Anya said.

"Cool then it's a date," Dr. Not Gay said. "I'm totally smart enough to get through med school but not smart enough to tell you're in high school."

So then Fiona and Adam were in a room together. "Let's pretend last night never happened," Fiona said.

"But that completely sucks," Adam said.

"Yep, sorry," Fiona said.

The ninjas balled their fists in rage.

So then Anya called Dr. Not Gay who asked her out on a date and then the two of them walked into that tacky restaurant where Holly J works. "Oh my GOD are you serious?" someone asked. "This guy's a freaking DOCTOR? Can't he take her someplace that doesn't suck?"

"There are no restaurants that don't suck in the Degrassi universe," Dr. Not Gay said.

"Oh COME ON!" someone said. "What about wherever Paige, Spinner, and Ashley went that day when they skipped school and Paige told Ashley all her problems were her own fault? And how about that restaurant Craig's dad took him to when he was trying to prove he wasn't a raging jackass by acting like a raging jackass?"

"SHHH!" Dr. Not Gay shouted.

So then they had a date. "So I am the twentiest twenty-year-old in all of twenty-ville," Anya said as she sat down. "In fact, there was never a twentier girl than me."

"Wow you must think I'm ANCIENT!" Dr. Not Gay said. "I'm twenty-five, I'm old enough to be back in diapers."

"Oh _no_," Anya giggled. "You don't look old to me."

"Dude I look at least five years older than that Matt guy who dated Paige and people thought THAT was creepy. Although come to think of it, Dean the evil rapist looked about twenty five to me and he was supposed to be seventeen so I really think Degrassi's concept of age is a little skewed," Dr. Not Gay said.

"Age? Skewed? Well not in my case because I'm completely and totally one hundred percent twenty...and a half," Anya said.

So then Holly J came back. "Well given I'm actually twenty-one in real life I'm not surprised he hasn't figured out you're underage."

"Underage?" Dr. Not Gay asked. "What do you mean?"

"Uhm...she means that at my dorm room at COLLEGE I have a bottle of wine that's uh...not aged cuz you know where would I uhh...get the money for aged wine, being you know, a college student and all."

"You know I only became a doctor so I could chase tail so I don't care what you're saying," Dr. Not Gay said.

"Wow, that was so sweet and genuine," Anya said. "I think I'm falling in love with you."

"Listen I had a lot of fun on this very honest date where we didn't tell any lies to one another," Dr. Not Gay said. "Can we have another soon?"

"Uh yeah," Anya said.

So then the next day, Dr. Not Gay bought tickets for them to go OUT OF TOWN to Ren Fest. "It gets better," Dr. Not Gay told Anya at lunch. "I bought us a hotel room."

"After ONE date that lasted less than a half an hour," Anya said. "Damn you move fast."

"Oh gosh darn it I'm so sorry," Dr. Not Gay said. "It probably seems WAY too soon to you doesn't it?"

"Well no of course not," Anya said. "I mean EVERYONE rents out a hotel for the second date, especially to see ren fest. I mean granted I'm pretty sure ren fest is usually in freaking October because no one in Toronto wants to freaking do costumes in February but what do I know?"

Meanwhile, Fiona was like, "Adam I'm sorry I've been a complete bitch to you lately."

"Okay. Wanna meet my friends?" Adam asked.

"Sure," Fiona said.

So then Fiona, Clare, Eli, and Adam sat down at a table. "Clare, you have beautiful eyes. I think you're a sexy lady."

Okay maybe it was that bad but Fiona was hitting on Clare. It was THERE. I SAW IT with my own eyes.

"Wow," Clare said, shocked. "Even the author of this fic who likes to pair every possible combination of women on this show whenever possible never would have thought of FiClare."

"Yeah well neither would most people but hey that's Degrassi for you," Fiona said.

"Fiona I think you're drunk," Adam said.

"I am NOT drunk, I'm just crazy enough to think I can hit on Clare without ninjas killing me," Fiona said.

"Okay let's get you home," Adam said.

So then Dave and Sadie were in the hallway together and Dave went, "OH SHIT you're too tall for me and I'm a shrimpy little douchebag. We can never work!"

"Uhm you've been a shrimpy little douchebag for a long time," Sadie said. "I'm your one real chance at a plotline and you're throwing it away by being a complete jackass to me."

"That's how I roll," Dave said.

"Well how you roll SUCKS!" Sadie said, storming away. "And you know what? You are a TERRIBLE expy for J.T. People liked J.T. because he was a three-dimensional and likable character and was actually kind of a nice guy sometimes. You, on the other hand, were all up in Alli's face about how she cares too much about what other people think and is all about popularity yet you won't date a girl who's taller than you because some people might think you're short. You are a HUGE hypocrite so take me back or I'll throw this basketball at you."

"Oh fine," Dave said.

So then Holly J went up to Adam and was like, "your girlfriend's an alcoholic. We need to put her in rehab."

And Adam was like, "nuh uh."

So then Fiona was like, "ADAM I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU!"

"Wow, cool. I mean we've only been together for like five minutes. I must be amazing," Adam said.

"You really are," Fiona said, kissing him a whole bunch.

And then Alex came out of the Degrassi archives. "Okay now why is it that Paige and I got like two, maybe three kisses the entire time we were on yet these two have had three really long kisses in the first freaking episode of their relationship? LGBT couples never get that!" Alex shouted.

"Yeah well," Adam said. "This is basically the queerest season EVER. I mean come on you KNOW no one gives a fuck about Bianca and Drew. Even Riley and Zane are getting irrelevant at this point. Holly J and Fiona and Fiona and me are like the only really interesting plotlines unless you care about Alli running away which most people don't."

So then Fiona passed out on the floor and Adam was like, "you're drunk."

"I am NOT!" Fiona said. "I'm going to go have more booze."

"Dude why did no one say anything about this like a season ago?" I asked. "I thought that the Bobby trial was the reason she was drinking and her anti-anxiety meds were supposed to be the end of that. I mean I'm no psychiatrist but I used to be on Zoloft and let me tell you something. Mixing alcohol with that shit SUCKED. I do not know how she does it or how her therapist hasn't done more about it yet considering how closely monitored she is but what do I know?"

So then Adam literally blindfolded Fiona and dragged her to an intervention. "What the FUCK!" Fiona shouted. "Is this an intervention? I hate you!"

"She doesn't hate you," Holly J said. "She's said that to everyone she's tried to hook up with at least once."

"I'm leaving now," Adam said.

So then later Holly J and Adam were both at The Dot with Eli and Holly J was like, "I ripped out a page of Fiona's journal for you."

"Thanks," Adam said. "You're such a great friend. It's no wonder Fiona's such a happy individual."

"Don't mention it," Holly J said, leaving.

"Wow," Adam said as he read a really romantic diary entry. "I really hope this is about me. I mean yes, it is quite sweetly worded but it isn't addressed to me and it would KILL me if the writers created this to be false hope for Fadam but she was really talking about Holly J or Xanath or something. I mean yeah the mention of enjoying someone's touch makes it _sound _like me but you really never fucking know with Degrassi and I don't know, all I'm saying is I'm worried."

So then Anya started packing for a weekend retreat with Dr. Not Gay. "Uhm...where do you think you're going?"

"Off to have sex with a pedophile," Anya said.

"The correct term is really ephebophile but besides that I don't approve of statutory rape. I'm sorry young lady," her mom said.

"GOD!" Anya said. "You're so CONTROLLING!"

"You are going to MARCH right on down to the hospital in the middle of Dr. Not Gay's shift and tell him you're seventeen!"

"FINE!" Anya pouted.

So she did that. "Well damn," Dr. Not Gay said. "That blows man."

"I'll be eighteen in two months," Anya said.

"Well in that case I'm not even going to worry about the fact that I'm a DOCTOR dating a high school kid because we have way too much in common for me to care," Dr. Not Gay said.

"Yeah exactly," Anya said. "Because you know, larping and playing D&D are TOTALLY the same thing simply because they're both nerdy. Sort of like how watching Pokemon and Fullmetal Alchemist is exactly the same because they're both anime."

"Exactly!" Dr. Not Gay said.

"Don't say that on Four Chan, alright?" Anya asked.

"Got it," Dr. Not Gay said. "See you in two months."

Okay I dare you to tell me that promos for the next episodes don't sound like this:

NEXT.

**BOOM.**

WEEK.

**BOOM.**

ON.

**BOOM.**

AN.

** BOOM.**

ALL.

** BOOM.**

NEW.

**BOOM.**

DUH.

**BOOM.**

GRA.

**BOOM.**

SSI.

**BOOM.**

_Something really gay is going to happen._

"RILEY I WAS COMING UP TO GIVE YOU TWO SOME SNACKS UNDER THE FALSE ASSUMPTION THAT YOU TWO WERE MERELY FRIENDS ONLY TO FIND THAT YOU WERE ACTING IN A VERY HOMOSEXUAL WAY AND I MUST SAY I AM SHOCKED!" Mrs. Stavros said.

"You're shocked?" Zane asked. "Okay Riley I understand but even people without good gaydar know I'm gay. There's no excuse."

_And in case you don't like that, something really slutty and straight is going to happen too._

"We acted like complete whores together," Bianca said seductively to Drew. "We could do it again."

"But no one even cares about us," Drew said. "It'll just bore the audience to tears and kind of disappoint people who think that me hooking up with you makes me a shitty brother to Adam."

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR AN ALL NEW DUH-GROH-SEE. THAT'S NOT REALLY HOW IT'S PRONOUNCED BUT IN THE PROMOS THAT DOESN'T MATTER!


	18. The Drew Chapter

Author's Note: So sorry about the late update! I have been really busy with school and such so I'm just going to make that two-parter a big chapter

The scene opened to a bunch of guys playing basketball while rap music blared in the background. "Hey Dave who I'm suddenly friends with out of fucking nowhere," KC said.

"Hey," Dave said. "Wussup best pal?"

Sadie skipped to his side. "Okay maybe it's just because I'm a new character but I'm a little confused about something here. Only a few episodes ago, you were so upset about your lack of friends that you were attacking Wesley with a tazer to prove yourself to a few extras. Now it turns out that you've _had _friends from the principle cast this WHOLE time. It almost makes one suspect that you're actually either a sadist or a major freaking douche bag and are using the fact that no one actually cares enough about your character to pay attention to your plotlines to cover it up."

Dave laughed. "She knows me so well."

"Anyway," KC said, "since Sadie forgave you for calling her a giraffe and Jenna forgave me for abandoning her after getting her pregnant, what do you say we go couple out and celebrate with our girls?"

So then KC and Dave started hanging all over their girlfriends. "God it is SO great having a girlfriend!" Dave yelled. "It almost makes me feel relevant!"

"I KNOW!" KC said. "It's too bad DREW doesn't have one. He must feel like a total loser! An empty shell of a character with no purpose or direction whatsoever."

"I KNOW!" Dave screamed in Drew's ear."

"Hey, STOP IT!" Drew sulked. "That's not very nice!"

KC sighed. "Listen. We were wondering if you wanted to come hang out with us and be the big awkward third wheel."

"Why would I want to do that?" Drew asked.

"You wouldn't," KC said. "I'm just trying to draw attention to your glaring inadequacies as a man so that you'll be forced to spend this entire episode chasing tail."

Drew shook his head in that _dang it my life sucks _way.

DUH DOO DAH DO DAH DOO DAH

DOO DOO DAH DO DAH DOO DAH

WUDDEVER IT TAKES  
AH NO AH CAN MAYK IT THROO

IF AH HOLD OUT AH KNOW I CAN MAKE IT THROO

A WOO-OO-OO-OO-OOH

BEETHABESTT THU BEST THAT AH CAN BE

WUDDEVER IT TAKYES

AH NO AH CAN MAYK IT AH CAN MAYK IT AH CAN MAYKITTHROO

A WOO

WUDDEVER IT TAKES

AH NO I CAN MAYKITTHROO.

DAH DUH DA DA DA DO DYAHH.

So Drew started sulking more angstily than Eli in the angstiest Eli episode ever. "No one likes me and it SUCKS!" he whined. "He-ey, Extra!" he said to an extra. "What do you say we hook up?"

"Eew," the extra said. "Not in a million years. Not even for a place in the credits!"

"Come on, that's really harsh!" Drew whined. "Dang it!"

"Aww no one wants to do you because you're a big jerk," Bianca said.

"Shut up Bianca!" Drew said. "Your number is in every stall in the guy's bathroom."

"Wow, okay, how often do you go to the bathroom?"

Drew made shifty eyes. "Why do you care?"

"I don't, but I mean seriously," Bianca said. "Either you've got a serious bladder problem or you're a chronic masturbator."

"I do NOT have a bladder problem alright?" Drew asked.

"Well then that makes you a chronic masturbator," Bianca said.

"Yeah well...YOUR MOM!" Drew said defensively.

"Anyway if you want to act like a complete slut sometime you should call me," Bianca said, before walking away flirtatiously.

"God damn," Drew said. "Seeing her act like a slut is almost making me forget that I'm supposed to have a crush on that extra with a name. What was her name again...Jess? Oh yeah...damn I'll bet I'm the only person who remembers she even exists despite the fact that she was supposed to be debuted as a new character during part two of season ten."

So then Riley and Zane were in class and the teacher was like, "whatever assignment I'm pointing at the board about is worth a zillion percent of your grade so DON'T let this be the weekend your mom catches you being gay."

Riley rolled his eyes. "Anyway, Zane, I was thinking we could eat a bunch of unhealthy food and make out tonight and hope my mom doesn't catch on."

"Nah actually I was thinking we could do something more along the lines of going to an awkward art gallery and hanging out with my ex boyfriend because I know you don't have anger or jealousy issues that could cause you to destroy the entire gallery in Incredible Hulk rage or anything like that."

Riley sighed. "I don't know, Zane. I'd rather be a huge pill about things and refuse to do anything you like."

"I hate it when you do that," Zane sighed. "I am a fucking saint for still being with you."

"So Anya," Riley said, "say you asked your boyfriend to do something and he refused to go with you just because it wasn't his favorite activity and then started sulking like a big jerk. Would that turn you on?"

"No," Anya said. "No it would not. In fact, that's what Sav used to do all the time when I did LARPs and it drove me nuts."

"DANG IT!" Riley said.

"Riley, this is getting boring. We've been watching you go back and forth between actually admitting you're with Zane and being a completely selfish dick for way too fucking long. It's time to grow up and actually have a halfway functional relationship with him," Anya said. "Seriously you're worse than Alli when it comes to dating and yet somehow Zane never leaves you. He's fucking amazing you know. Stop being you and go to the fucking art show already, Jeezus," Anya said.

"Well dang I'm going to need a makeover," Riley said.

So Anya and Riley went back to Riley's house where Anya used her straight best friend powers to magically cut Riley's hair despite the fact that I think it looked way the fuck better longer.

So then Drew was all, "whiney whine pants my name is Drew and I can't get a girlfriend whiney whine diddly whine whine."

"Come here," KC said. "Listen. Some people think you're a whore."

"What?" Drew asked.

"A skank. A man-slut. A guy who can't keep it in his pants," KC said.

"Yeah dude," Dave said. "You're a tramp. Sorry I love it when someone's being lamer than me and I actually get to make fun of someone."

"Okay, Dave, that was unnecessary but the kid's got a point. You're a complete floozy, Drew," KC said.

"And...I'm hearing this from YOU?" Drew said.

"Well hey man. I just stayed with the slut I cheated with to avoid a lifetime of solitude and if it worked for me it can work for you," KC said.

"You should chill," Bianca said.

"I CAN'T! EVER SINCE KC CHILLED OUT AND STARTED BEING LESS OF AN ASSHOLE I'VE HAD TO TAKE HIS PLACE!" Drew screamed. "Vegas night was COMPLETELY your fault!"

"Uh you were the one who came looking for me knowing I was interested in blowing your chances at keeping Alli."

"Uhm what?" Drew asked.

"The second you walked into the boiler room _you knew_ your relationship was going down. So don't even talk to me like you had no part in this," Bianca said. "You suck as a boyfriend and even as a fling you really know how to be a dick about things."

"You like me," Drew said.

"Just because someone is grinding her crotch all over you in the middle of the hallway doesn't mean she's into you," Bianca said. "By the way, I noticed while I was making innuendos about what a bad boyfriend you were that you were playing the drums. When did you pick that up?"

"I love drumming," he said. "I have music in my veins or some bullshit. Everyone on Degrassi either plays an instrument, sings, or dances. It's a mandatory way of capitalizing on the popularity of High School Musical."

"Oh," Bianca said.

"Wanna screw?" Drew asked.

"Sure!"

So then they closed the curtains to the classroom. What? The classroom has curtains? Well damn that's convenient. I mean if that's true, what the fuck are people doing hooking up in some creepy dark corridor known as the boiler room? Like seriously. This time, they did not state what sex act the two were engaging in because they realized that some people think one-sided oral sex is a little sexist and they wanted people to be able to fill in the blanks with whatever they find most appealing (if they like the pairing) or least appealing (if they don't).

Meanwhile, Alli was at home with Sav. "I'm so tired of how I have no friends and am a big loser."

"Sucks, man," Sav said.

"I think I'll go bother Malika," Alli said.

"Sounds good," Sav said.

"Thanks," Alli said. "You're a pal."

So then Alli went to school and spotted Malika talking to her actual friends on the bench. "So as the head of the Dance Without Alli Committee I was thinking we'd find out what Alli's least favorite color is and then require everyone to get a dress that color and then we'd play her least favorite music so we won't have to deal with her unpleasantness. Oh and then I was thinking we'd have an Alli-Free After Party where in order to get in you'd have to prove you're not Alli."

So then Alli sat down beside them. "Hey gal pals, what's happening?"

"Nothing that involves you in any way," Malika said.

"Cool, can I join in?" Alli asked.

"No!" Malika said.

"What if I had you over to spend the night so you could win points with your mom?"

"That could be a good idea," Malika said. "I mean my mom does have a girl crush on yours."

"GOD can this season get any GAYER?" Alli asked.

"It can always get gayer," Malika said. "I mean now that you go to an all girl's school we could get shipped any day now. And seeing as Bianca was so pushy about not being a lesbian she could have massive bout of confusion about whether or not she's bi eventually leading her to realize that she likes Adam for who he is as a guy and that that doesn't make her bi or gay thus illustrating to teenagers the complexities of sexuality. And Lord knows everyone ships Eli and Fitz."

"Cool so you coming over?" Alli asked.

"Sure," Malika said.

So then at dinner Malika was like, "oh Alli your mom is so amazing and perfect and she's so good at cooking.

"Oh stop, you flatter me," Mrs. Bhandari said. "I'll bet your mother never gets sick of worshipping the ground you walk on and telling you what a perfect child you are, unlike Alli who sucks."

"Aw shucks," Malika said.

"Can she stay over?" Alli begged.

"Sure," Mrs. Bhandari said.

So the second Sav went to bed, Malika was like. "I have to go sneak out with my boyfriend who I'm sure couldn't possibly secretly be Johnny DiMarco because the writers would never pull a bitch ass move like that."

"I've heard that rumor floating around, but I'm really going to wait a few episodes to decide if I believe it or not," Alli said.

"Anyway, I'm out," Malika said.

And then Alli found out that Malika smoked. CIGARETTES. OH MY GOD. Only BAD PEOPLE DO THAT.

"Okay," Alli breathed to herself as Malika walked out the door. "Maybe I lost my virginity in a dirty van. Maybe I sent Johnny porn of myself to make up for not being ready to have sex. And maybe I was seriously considering prostituting myself to a guy to piss off my cheating boyfriend at Vegas Night. But cigarettes are just WRONG."

Then the next morning Malika walked back in and was like, "hey if you stay my friend I'll lie for you all the time so you can live the same fucked up existence you always have."

"Cool beans," Alli said.

The next day at school, Malika conviniently asked Alli to hold her cigarette JUST as her mother was arriving on scene. "Oh COME ON!" Alli said.

So then Mrs. Bhandhari took Alli home. "Alli, you are the lowest form of human filth. I hate you AND you're a complete throwaway character who has no purpose on this show!"

"But Mom, the cigarette wasn't even MINE!" Alli said.

"I do not want to hear your logic and honest accounts of what is happening," Mrs. Bhandari said. "You are one of my children and that means you're grounded."

"But that's not fair!" Alli said.

"What is not fair is that I'm actually being portrayed as a more unreasonable mother than Mrs. Torres in this episode," Mrs. Bhandari said. "Now go to your room!"

So then Drew and pals started playing basketball and the second Drew saw Bianca a basketball hit him in the head causing him to slip on a puddle causing him to fly across the room and personally fall through the basketball hoop not that that's possible, thus scoring a point for the other team.

"Mr. Torres, you're distracted," the coach said.

"I am NOT!" he yelled, as another basketball hit him in the head.

Then, after the game, Bianca came over to congratulate him and Sadie and Jenna made icky faces.

"We're all going to Little Mistakes, right?" Drew asked.

"She's coming?" Jenna asked. "But she's a complete slut."

"Why would you say that?" Drew asked.

"Because she's a complete bitch who steals people's boyfriends and probably doesn't use protection," Jenna said.

"Oh well in that case I can definitely see why you're being so judgmental," Drew said.

So then Riley and Zane were at the art gallery. "Oh my JESUS girlfriend I am like sooooo flamboyant I make Zane look like a stereotypical jock," a guy said.

"That's quite...artsy of you," Riley said, trying to be polite.

"Oh my gosh are you Zane's other half, oh my god you two are soooo a-dor-a-bleeeee I could just eat you up!"

"Your paintings are TERRIBLE you flaming queer," Riley said, before storming off.

"Wow, normally I hate it when you act like an angry jackass to my friends but suddenly I don't mind at all," Zane said to Riley on their way to Riley's room.

"Cool let's make out," Riley said.

And then Riley's mom came in.

"OH SHIT!" Riley bellowed.

"Well uh...that was awkward," Zane said.

Meanwhile, back at Degrassi, Drew was standing in the gym with KC and Dave. "Hey guys. We've all been best friends for a whole episode. Are we really going to throw that long, intense history away over you all hating Bianca?"

"Hey technically we were friends at the end of The Boiler Room," KC said. "God am I that forgettable?"

Drew shrugged. "Sorry, my plotlines are just so uninteresting right now that I forget what they even are."

"Yeah I know what you mean man," KC said. "I thought I was gonna be hot shit on Degrassi until I cheated on Clare with Jenna. Now everyone fucking hates me and is obsessed with her and posting secrets on Tumblr about how seeing her with Eli gives them a reason to get out of bed each morning."

"Wow, that does suck," Drew said. "But beside the point. You guys need to be nicer to Bianca."

"We _are _nice to Bianca," Dave said. "It's our girlfriends who hate her."

"Okay and why do your girlfriends hate her?" Drew asked. "I mean, Jenna of all people in the universe really has no excuse to hate someone for stealing someone's boyfriend by acting like a slut. And Sadie has barely been on this show for two whole episodes. What the fuck is up her ass?"

"Hey man," Dave said. "Don't insult the only girl on the planet who will actually hook up with me."

"Well that's a little hypocritical don't you think?" Drew asked. "Look, let's at least meet at some non-school Degrassi set like The Dot and try to all get along."

So then they did that.

"Hi everyone," Bianca said. "Jenna you look so pretty today."

"Oh I see. I'll bet you're the one who started those rumors that I was going to turn lesbian in season ten launching a thousand shipping fics about us and now are trying to give Bienna a comeback. Go to hell Bianca."

"I didn't do any of that," Bianca said. "Come on, you know the season ten rumors were freaking ridiculous and half of them didn't even happen. Can't we all move on from that?"

"Move on?" Jenna asked. "You're a boyfriend stealing whore. People are STILL mad at me for breaking up Klare and no one even LIKES them anymore! If I am still getting shit for that, there is NO way it is fair for you to get off the hook for breaking up Dralli THIS soon!"

Bianca considered that Jenna might have a valid point. "So what you're saying is that Degrassi is trying to make people like you again, and so in order to do that I have to be the fucked up slut that everyone hates."

"Uh huh," Jenna said.

"And to simultaneously make Drew a three-dimensional character rather than a pathetic attempt at a replacement Johnny, they're giving him some new plotline where through his skeezy love for me he realizes that he doesn't have to care what other people think."

"Exactly," Sadie said.

"Who asked you?" Bianca asked. "You're dating DAVE. Though come to think of it the fact that Drew is worried about what Dave will think of him is really confusing considering only like two episodes ago Dave was freaking out about what everyone thought of HIM...thus implying that he did NOT have friends like KC or Drew."

Jenna rolled her eyes. "We've already been over that this chapter."

"Sorry," Bianca said.

So then Drew and Bianca left and went to some random place that is sort of like the ravine only not. "Yo," a dirtier looking guy than old school Johnny DiMarco said.

"Hey Ron Ron," Bianca said. "So Drew, what do you say we do drugs and skip your basketball game?"

"Oh I don't know," Drew hemmed and hawed.

"If you don't I might just cheat on you with this fine piece of humanity," Bianca said, motioning towards Ron Ron.

Realizing how unfathomably sexy and well-groomed Ron Ron was, Drew leapt into action. "Okay you know what? I have GOT to stay and get as high as HUMANLY possible. Fuck the basketball game, my friends, and my future."

"This is such a don't do drugs PSA it's not even funny," Bianca said.

So then Drew was like. "Fuck on second thought I gotta get to the game!"

He ran all the way to Degrassi from wherever the fuck he was doing the drugs and his friends were like, "okay so we have to play basketball."

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Drew screamed. "Basketball. That's hilarious!"

So then Mrs. Torres arrived. "Hello Drew."

"Hi Mom, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you're a scary bitch and you're going to yell at me, that's hilarious."

"Come with me," she said.

So then they went into the boy's locker room because women are totally allowed in there. "Are you on drugs?" she asked.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA drugs that's hilarious," Drew said.

She sighed. "Are you high?"

"Yes," he said. "You're hilarious."

"Well I see no reason to get unreasonable or raise my voice over this. I think grounding you for a while will sufficiently teach you your lesson without me flying into a rage," Mrs. Torres said.

"Wait woah hold on a second. Seriously?" Drew asked.

"Well absolutely," Mrs. Torres said. "If people start to think my character is a complete raging lunatic then that'll leave no room for Fiona's mother to steal the psycho mother spotlight when she becomes a lesbian. Also, my behavior was getting everyone desensitized to Mrs. Bhandari totally sucking at raising Alli. The writers decided to tone me down a notch."

"But that's BORING!" Drew said.

"No complaining until you're ungrounded," Mrs. Torres said.

So then Drew's friends were like, "that was Bianca's fault you got high."

And Drew was like, "shove it, she's hot."

And then Drew and Bianca skipped off into the sunset.

IN THE NEXT DUH-GRASSI, IN TOO DEEP.

ALLI ANGSTS ABOUT DREW JOINING SAV'S BAND DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE'S ONE OF THE ONLY CHOICES SAV REALLY HAD TO REPLACE SPINNER EVEN THOUGH REPLACING SPINNER WITH FUCKING DREW IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

"Oh my GOD Sav! You suck!" Alli yelled.

AND FITZ EITHER WANTS TO KILL ELI OR SEDUCE CLARE!

"Why was Fitz trying to talk to us?" Clare asked. "Was he trying to seduce me?"

"Nah I think he wants to kill me," Eli said.

"Oh, that sucks," Clare said.

ON THE NEXT ALL NEW DE-GRAH-SEE, IN...TOO...DEEP! PREMIERS FRIDAY AT WHATEVER THE FUCK TIME YOU GET IT WHERE YOU LIVE!


	19. The Fitz Chapter

A/N: Sorry I am taking so long to update. Last semester of senior year of college :-(.

Eli and Clare got into the hearse. "I am so busy man," Eli said. "The Gothic Short Story Contest entries are due in a week and I've still got nothing."

"Are you sure you didn't just lose all your drafts in your room?" Clare asked.

"Clare, hoarding is a serious psychological issue and should not be made fun of," Eli said.

"Sorry you're right," Clare said.

"Anyway I need NO distractions whatsoever," Eli said. "I need absolutely nothing stupid and soap opera-y to happen in my life. Teaching you driving is all the stress I can handle so I better not see something ridiculous happen ten seconds from now."

Just then, Fitz walked in front of their moving vehicle. "Hey guys wussup? How have you been since I almost killed you?"

"FITZ!" Clare shrieked.

"Oh my GOD DRIVE CLARE HE'S A LUNATIC! HE'S RAGING MAD!" Eli shouted until his veins bulged like KC's last season.

"But I just want to have a calm, rational conversation," Fitz said in a calm, rational voice.

Clare floored it despite this being a bad idea when you're just learning to drive.

DUH DOO DAH DOO DAH DOO DAH

DOUGH DUH DUH DADDOO DAH DOO DAH

WUDDEVUR IT TAYKS

AH NO I CAN MAYKITTHROO

IF AH HOLD-AUT AH NO AH CAN MAYKITTTHROO

A WOOOOOOOO-OOOOOO

BEETHABEST

THUBESTTTHATAHCANBEEE

WUDDEVER IT TAKES

AH NO AH CAN MAYKITT

AH CAN MAYKITT

AH CAN MAYKITTTHROO

A WOOO

WUDDEVER IT TAYKZ

AH NO AH CAN MAYKITTHROO

DADUDAHDADADOODAY!

Clare gripped the steering wheel nervously. ""AS YOUR BOYFRIEND MY JOB IS TO FLY INTO A TERRIFYING RAGE ANY TIME SOMETHING EVEN REMOTELY BAD HAPPENS!" Eli screamed.

"Eli I don't know if that's healthy behavior," Clare said.

The two walked into school together. "Clare, it's COMPLETELY healthy behavior! Guys are supposed to act really reasonable and sane for the first couple months of a relationship and then start flying into lunatic rages out of nowhere, completely derailing their characters, to add drama to the show. Don't you watch Degrassi?"

"I'm ON Degrassi, Eli. I think you're being unreasonable. I just wish I knew what Fitz wanted."

"To KILL ME obviously!" Eli said. "GAWD."

Clare shrugged and walked away from Eli, but couldn't shake the feeling that a lot more drama could be reaped from this situation. The feeling stayed with her all day, tormenting her, haunting her. So much so that after school when Fitz randomly stopped her in the parking lot, she couldn't resist hearing him out.

"Clare, listen to me!" Fitz said. "I need to talk to you."

"Why should I talk to you? You're an attempted murderer," Clare said.

Fitz shrugged. "I was lost. Confused. I felt like the writers had completely forsaken me. I had been on this show since season nine and NOTHING was being done with my character, Clare. Try to understand. It was so painful and terrifying for me to just feel unheard, unwritten about. I was really messed up, but I was taken to a support center and I found some answers."

"Well great but...my boyfriend will rip you in half and throw you over a mountain if he catches us talking," Clare said. "Seeing me talk to violent guys makes him flip out a little."

"Well that is incredibly hypocritical but I don't judge people anymore because I found Jesus."

Clare stared in shock and awe as Fitz walked away. "Oh my GOD it was FITZ!" Eli screamed as he pulled up in the hearse, leapt out the door, and started shaking his girlfriend. "What did he want? Did he hurt you? Oh fuck, Clare, SPEAK TO ME!"

"RELAX!" Clare said. "He just wanted to talk about Jesus."

"Are you on drugs?" Eli asked.

"No," Clare said. "Fitz just came here to talk about Jesus."

"Get in the car, Clare," Eli siad.

They got in the car. "He just said that he found God so now it doesn't matter that he's an attempted murderer anymore."

"He's playing your weakness," Eli said. "I knew this would happen."

"So my Christianity's a weakness? You know that's going to offend a LOT of people in the young Christian viewer demographic who identify with my character."

Eli shook his head. "No, no, no, no. I wasn't saying Christianity was your weakness. I was saying that this is a recycled plot we've got going on. When Spinner was being blamed for a school shooting, how did he fix it? By playing Christian and dating your sister. Fitz is trying to do the same thing, only with you."

"But that was different though," Clare said. "Spinner wasn't actually responsible for the shooting."

"That's what makes Fitz EVEN LAMER than before," Eli said. "Seriously why are we still even having this conversation? It's fucking stupid."

So then Sav was like, "hey Holly J, listen to my demo tape."

"That's a pile of crap," Holly J said.

"I know!" Sav said. "And if it only had a drummer it would miraculously be fantastic."

"Well then," Holly J said. "That's a perfect excuse to hold auditions for a new drummer so that Degrassi can have a band again."

Sav shrugged. "Well come on now. Who am I going to ask to be a drummer?"

Drew started jumping up and down. "Pick me, pick me! Oh me! Me, me, PLEASE!"

"I don't know if you should pick the guy who cheated on your sister," Holly J said. "That's kind of a dick move."

"Well I know but he is jumping up and down and all and besides," Sav said. "That would be a completely wasted heartwarming scene where Bianca discovered his talent otherwise."

"Oh true," Holly J said. "Hold auditions. Then if he's good, take him."

So then some of the most unbelievably horrible drummers on the planet showed up. The first one put the drum on his head and ran around screaming, the second one broke a hole through the drum, the third one stuck the drumstick up his nose, and then Drew showed up and was really good.

"Well shit dude," Sav said. "Guess I'm in a pickle."

And then Jenna was like, "KC, you're not ready to be a dad."

And then KC was like, "yes huh I am."

And Jenna was like, "nuh uh."

And KC was like, "you suck."

So then they went to a parenting class and it turned out KC could put a diaper on faster than Jenna and Jenna was invalidated and it was very uninteresting.

So then Clare was in The Dot with Adam.

"Thanks for coming here to hear about all my problems, Adam," Clare said.

"No problem," Adam said. "I mean granted I am a bit confused about why you picked me considering Alli is supposed to be your best friend and it's not like she died or moved or something but I guess I can get over it."

"Yeah well, she sucks," Clare said. "So anyway Eli is driving me crazy."

"Yeah well he can be like that, oh my god it's Fitz," Adam said.

So then Fitz was there. "Hi Clare, my name is Fitz and I will be your server. What can I get for you today?"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE FITZ?" Clare shrieked.

"Uh I just said I was a waiter. I got a job," Fitz said.

Adam skedaddled, giving them plenty of time to have a moment.

"Well good for you but I still think you're fucked up," Clare said.

So then Fitz was like, "oh Clare...when I was in prison I met a beautiful girl named Xanath and she showed me the path of God."

"Xanath? I thought she was in the hospital," Clare said.

"She was and then she realized it was her spiritual calling to show me Jesus and she miraculously got better and showed up at my prison to save my soul."

"This is a plot device," Clare said.

"Yep, pretty much," Fitz said.

"They just randomly forgot that Xanath was in the hospital and out of nowhere turned her into a Christian and sent her to a male juvenile detention hall that she shouldn't even be allowed in to help save your soul," Clare said. "Which somehow didn't cause any DEMONS to attack you or anything, not to mention ninjas."

"Well...you know," Fitz said. "It wouldn't be the stupidest thing that ever happened on Degrassi."

So then Eli pulled up. "OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THAT MONSTER DOING, CLARE?" Eli screamed.

"Just talking to me," Clare said."

"AS YOUR BOYFRIEND IT IS MY JOB TO ACT LIKE A LUNATIC OVER YOUR SAFETY!" Eli screamed.

"Eli, you're making me feel like Bella from Twilight," Clare said in disgust.

"Yeah well date that guy and you'll be Jamie from A Walk to Remember. That's not better, Clare," Eli said.

"True," Clare said. "Oh Eli, I'm so conflicted."

So then Alli randomly came to Degrassi since she was suspended from her new school and saw Sav and Drew engaging in bromance and was like, "HOW CAN YOU BE FRIENDS WITH SATAN HIMSELF?"

"Woah Alli I'm not Satan," Drew said. "Satan's a lot more interesting than me."

So then Sav and Alli went home. "How can you let the guy who made my life a living hell be your drummer?" Alli asked.

Sav EXPLODED. "YOU MAKE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL!"

"Okay wait, just hold on," Alli said. "Your life is a living hell? You're a popular senior in high school with a really hot girlfriend who is probably going to go to an excellent college next year. Whatever problems you've had in high school have all been really stupid compared to the stuff a lot of Degrassi characters deal with. I mean, you broke up with Anya a couple times, boo hoo. I mean you JUST got done lecturing me about how blaming all my problems on Drew was immature. Okay granted, maybe it is. But I'm not the one who broke up with Anya eight million times and blamed it all on either Farrah or Mom and Dad. Oh and you want something else? I didn't hook up with anyone at Vegas Night yet I got in a ton of trouble. You, on the other hand, were getting a strip tease from Holly J and got off with NOTHING. So do not even give me that shit about your life being a living hell."

"Alli I'm sorry, it's just..." Sav said.

"What was with you EXPLODING anyway?"

"I'm sorry it's just the Degrassi writers are really trying to confuse people into liking Fitz and figured the best way to do that would be by having both Eli and me act completely fucking ridiculous this episode."

"Oh, okay, that makes sense."

The next morning, the Bhandaris came downstairs and were like, "good morning Sav, where is your worthless sister who we hate?"

"I don't know," Sav said. "She and I had a little bit of a fight."

Mrs. Bhandari sighed. "Sounds like we should punish her. Fighting is not allowed."

"Well just hold on, Mom. I think..."

"I should punish you too," Mrs. Bhandari said. "Thinking is not allowed either."

"DANG IT!" Sav exclaimed.

So then the cameraman headed to Degrassi, where Eli was sitting in one of the numerous classrooms designated to be completely empty to give the main cast total privacy when dealing with their angst. "Eli," Clare breathed. "Eli, I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad," Eli said. "I'm brooding. There's a difference."

"Oh, okay," Clare said. And then they hugged.

"Let's NEVER fight again," Eli said. "At least until later this episode."

"No one's going to come between us," Clare said. "I promise."

So then Sav and Holly J were walking out of a classroom in a huff. "I cannot BELIEVE this math homework!" Holly J said. "I should just become a lesbian."

"SEE PEOPLE?" I yelled. "There IS hope that Folly J will happen, I'm TELLING you!"

"Wait a second," someone else said. "I don't see the logical jump between being annoyed about math homework and becoming a lesbian. I mean...lots of people are lesbians and they still suck at math. I mean, hell, the author of this fic is pretty freaking gay and she sucks at calculus."

Sav continued to ignore this entire conversation. "HEY!" Holly J said. "Sav!"

"I'm listening I swear," Sav said. "I'm just a little screwed up because my sister went missing."

"Wait she did?" Holly J said. "Why isn't this on the news or something?"  
"Oh I don't know," Sav said.

"Usually families make kind of a big deal about their kids going missing," Holly J said.

"Yeah but this is Degrassi. People disappear all the time and no one gives a fuck," Sav said.

"Yeah but somehow we remember her," Holly J said. "Usually when a character disappears the cast mysteriously gets amnesia about it. This is uncanny and probably means she'll be back or whatever happened to her will be a plot point later."

So then Jenna and KC were babysitting. They cut to this while other students were at school, making it seem like Jenna and KC were skipping school to babysit a kid who should presumably also be in school.

"This is my son, Bubble Boy," a high strung bitch said, "please don't feel freaked out by him. He's allowed to do anything as long as he doesn't touch anything made from synthetic materials, breathe air that has ever been in anyone else's mouth, or touch anything that has ever previously been touched by someone impure. Other than that HAVE FUN!"

"Your mother is the most impressive liberal caricature since Emma in the early seasons," KC said. "I mean fuck...Fitz is more convincing as a Christian than your mom is as a holistic liberal helicopter mom. The author of this fic is a gluten free vegan lesbian at a liberal arts college and still thinks your mom is way the fuck over the top."

"I know," Bubble Boy said. "She's just comic relief."

"I know but I thought that was what Mrs. Torres was for," KC said. "This lady is just fucking ridiculous."

So then the Bhandaris were like, "WHY would our daughter run away? We have given her no reason to whatsoever."

"Well I think it's because all you do is yell at her and ground her and treat her like a piece of shit," Sav said.

"Is that so?" Mr. Bhandari asked. "Well in that case, the minute I find that girl I'm going to yell at her, ground her, then tell her she's a piece of shit."

"Dad I think you're missing the point," Sav said. "Alli feels disrespected and smothered and that's why she ran away."

Mrs. Bhandari nodded. "Well in that case," she tossed Alli's computer in front of Sav, "would you please disrespect your sister by hacking her computer and reading her internet blog posts?"

"Uhm Mom you don't have to hack an entire computer to read a post on an internet blog site," Sav said. "All you have to do is know the person's username and maybe hack if they're friends only which Alli isn't usually smart enough to be anyway."

"JUST DO IT!" Mrs. Bhandari said.

So there was a blog post that was completely misspelled (cuz teens can't spell yo).

Deer dieurreey,

evry1 hats me so i iz leevingk.

luv,

alleey

"What does that say?" Mrs. Bhandari asked.

"Uh how am I supposed to know?" Sav asked.

"You're a genius, now translate chat speak into English," Mrs. Bhandari said.

"DANGIT this'll take all day," Sav said.

So then Clare checked her e-mail and got eighty bazillion chain letters about the Lord. This would be a typical day for Clare except that they were all from Fitz. Then later, Clare was chilling at home and the doorbell rang. Fitz stood in the doorway with a murderous look on his face with rain pouring down on him and kinda looked like a murderer from a horror movie. "Hey can I come in?"

"Uh...my parents won't like it," Clare said.

"Oh please, oh please, PLEASE! I'll buy you a cookie tomorrow!" he said.

"Well alright," Clare said.

So Fitz came in and put his soaking wet feet on her nice furniture. "Can I watch TV?"

Clare tossed him the remote. "Why are you here?"

"Because I fell off my bike," Fitz said.

"No really," Clare said.

"Okay my brother hits me. But it'll be okay. I'll just push Jesus on him and he'll be fine."

Clare sighed. "That doesn't usually work."

So then Fitz was like, "well yes hah. You should try to convert Eli to Christianity."

"Uh...what happened to respecting people?"

"Not Eli," Fitz said. "I can't stand seeing that HEATHEN with you."

"Since when did you care about me?" Clare asked. "We're not even friends and never were."

"That doesn't matter, I LOVE YOU!" Fitz shouted.

"Well great but I love Eli so not going to happen," Clare said. "Haven't you noticed that Degrassi is rigged with ninjas who will destroy you if you try to break us up? I would've expected Xanath to mention that to you."

"HE'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, CLARE!" Fitz said. "You and I have a spiritual connection!"

"What are you basing that on?" Clare asked.

"We're both Christians. We share a spirituality that we only have in common with the vast majority of North America. That means we're meant to be together!"

"Fitz you're creeping me out," Clare said.

"NO Clare, it's DESTINY. You're the ONLY thing keeping me alive!"

"Okay now you and Eli are BOTH acting like Edward Cullen. This is so confusing!" Clare shrieked.

Just then, Eli broke the door down and lifted Fitz over his head and threw him over a mountain. "CLARE why were you hanging out with that lunatic?" Eli asked.

"Oh you know," Clare said.

"So anyway I finished my short story. It ends with me killing you. Wanna get in the hearse?"

"Okay why the fuck would you kill me?" Clare asked.

"Because believe it or not that's actually a turn on for some viewers. The hearse awaits," Eli said.

"That has two possible meanings and I'm scared," Clare said.

"Don't be scared," Eli said. "You're with me. And I'm totally the safest person ever."

So then Sav and his dad were looking for Alli. "Where the fuck could she be?" Mr. Bhandari said.

"Well considering I just happen to know exactly where Johnny DiMarco lives I'll go ask him because that's not soap opera-y at all."

ON THE NEXT ALL NEW DEH-GRAH-SEE.

HOLLY J IS HAVING THE WORST BREAKDOWN EVER.

"Ugh I think I have a minor headache," Holly J said.

"CALL THE ER!" Sav screamed.

AND SOME UNIMPORTANT SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO WESLEY.

"I'm an unimportant character who coulda gotten with Anya if the writers didn't hate me," Wesley said.

CAN YOU HANDLE AN EPISODE THIS INTENSE? FIND OUT!


	20. The Bobby Trial Chapter

Holly J was slumped over a chair drooling on the floor. "Does she have a pulse?" an extra asked.

"She'll be _fine_!" Chantay said coolly. "Relax. No one dies on Degrassi."

"Except J.T. and Rick," an extra reminded her.

Chantay dramatically rolled her eyes. "Like how the fuck do you even know that? You weren't even here when they died."

"You weren't either," the extra said. "Mia was a freshman when J.T. died which means that you would've been..."

Chantay dramatically rolled her eyes again. "We've been down this road before. Everyone knows I'm a super senior. Let's drop it, alright?"

"Well whatever," the extra said. "Can you just get that girl to stop drooling on my keyboard?"

"WAKE UP HOLLY J!" Chantay screamed.

Holly J slowly came to. "What...wait...how?"

"You fell asleep," Chantay said. "I'm waking you up."

"Okay, but why you?" Holly J asked.

"Because I'm your best buddy and I always look out for you," Chantay said.

"Since when?" Holly J asked.

"Since...uh...since...I got over whatever was up my ass when I kicked you off power squad?" Chantay asked.

"Well technically nothing was up your ass you were just mad at me for being a bitch to Mia," Holly J said. "By the way my jealous foe yay with Mia was such a missed opportunity in fandom. I mean...everyone thought of pairing me with Anya but how hot would Holly J/Mia have been?"

"You are SO whiny. No one EVER writes femslash about me," Chantay said.

"Well that's kind of because you only ever hang out with Jenna and Chantay/Jenna would make about as much sense as Spinner/Emma and that' s never gonna hap...oh god it did. Well okay bad example. It's about as ridiculous as Paige and that white version of Danny hooking up...oh fuck that happened too. Well it's as weird as if Manny and Darcy made out at a party."

Chantay dramatically rolled her eyes again. "That happened in Party Etiquette Number Two. You are seriously behind on your Degrassi minis."

"Well okay," Holly J sighed. "Jantay is about as ridiculous as if Jay suddenly became a nice guy with a heart of gold...fuck, OKAY. I've got it this time. It would be as stupid as Paige and Alex breaking up only for Paige to go out with a random ass new cast member, possibly get HIV, and NEVER finish that plotline despite being one of the main characters in a sendoff movie which leaves her completely single despite the overwhelming amount of attention put into her relationships with Spinner, Matt, and Alex."

"Happened," Chantay said. "How do you not know this? Are you sick or something?"

"I don't know," Holly J frowned. "Oh God. _Is _Degrassi pairing you with Jenna?"

Chantay shrugged. "Weirder things have happened. So are you all ready for the internship today?"

"What internship?" Holly J asked. "The one I got with Declan's mom? Well I kinda figured since she lives in New York now that internship's over. I kind of thought my extracurriculars involved a part time job, student counsel vice presidency, SAT prep unless that's over by now which by all rights it should be, a relationship with Sav, and a codependent best friendship with an alcoholic who might have a crush on me. When the fuck did I get an internship?"

"No idea but it seems pretty stupid of you if you ask me," Chantay said.

"No one asked you," Holly J said. "Stop taking up space."

"I INSIST on becoming an actual character goddamn you," Chantay said. "DO NOT RUIN MY ONE CHANCE!"

"I don't see how being moving scenery in this episode is going to make you an actual character but okay," Holly J said.

Just then, Ms. Oh popped in front of them. "HELLO girls!" she chirped. "Chantay, the internship lady whatever her name is said that you did so well last week that she wants to erect a statue in your honor!"

"Oh SWEET!" Chantay cheered.

"What about me?" Holly J asked.

"Chantay can you leave so you don't have to hear the embarassingly pitiful insults I'm about to pour onto this already overstressed girl?" Ms. Oh asked.

"Sure," Chantay said.

"Great," Ms. Oh said. "Holly J you are the worst employee ever. You should go do something horribly self-destructive so we can have another inspiring story line about recovery from depression."

"How does that count as constructive feedback?" Holly J asked.

"It doesn't," Ms. Oh said. "If there's something cripplingly wrong with you, get help."

"There's nothing cripplingly wrong with me, is there?" Holly J asked.

DOO DOO DAH DOO DAH DOO DAH

DUH DUH DUH DA DOO DEE DOO DAH

DWAAAAAARRRPPPP

WUDDEVURR IT TAYKZ

AH NO AH KIN MAYKIT THROO

DA DA NA NA NA NUH

IF AH HOLD AUT

AH NO AH CAN MAYKIT THROO

A WOOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOO-OOOOO-OOOOH

BE THU BEHST

THUH BEHST THAT AH CAN BEE

WUDDEVUR IT TAYKS

AH NO AH KIN MAYK IT AH KIN MAYK IT AH KIN MAYKIT THROO

A WOO

WUDDEVER IT TAYKS

AH NO AH KIN MAYKIT THROO

DUH DA DUNA DAH DAH DO DAH

"Hey Johnny," Sav said.

"Sav Bhandari," Johnny said. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"There's not going to BE any pleasure," Sav said. "I'm straight."

"Relax, man," Johnny said. "I know."

"I'm sorry it's just this WHOLE show is going gay. Even my girlfriend was acting gay last episode and I just don't want to be next," Sav said.

"Well way to disappoint any Jav shippers who might be reading," Johnny said.

"Jav?" Sav asked. "Shouldn't it be like Sohnny Bhandarco?"

Johnny laughed. "Sounds like you've put some thought into this."

"No!" Sav screamed. "NO. DAMMIT. That's not what I'm here for!"

"Then why are you here?" Johnny asked. "I thought I was never going to end up on Degrassi again until you arrived. The cameras haven't followed me for months."

"Yeah well...I'm looking for my sister," Sav said. "If my sister comes crawling back to you despite telling you that you and she are over forever please tell me."

"Will do," Johnny said. "But I haven't seen her."

"Yeah and you never slept with a bunch of chicks with venereal diseases either," Sav said.

"Exactly," Johnny said, slamming the door in Sav's face. "Bye."

Before Sav could get even inches away from the door, Alli leapt out of her hiding places. "Oh Johnny, you don't think he knows I'm here, do you?"

"No, of course not," Sav said. "This is just the only logical place you could possibly be in the Degrassi universe. Why would he suspect a thing?"

"You're right," Alli said. "I'm psyching myself out."

So then a girl knocked on the door. "So this girl is like super awesome," Johnny said.

"I'm JEALOUS!" Alli yelled.

"Uh dude we're broken up despite my rather dramatic attempts at getting you back," Johnny said. "_You're _the one who doesn't want to be with _me_. Why are you being jealous?"

"Because I'm WHINY!" Alli said.

Johnny rolled his eyes. "Aren't you in gifted or something?"

"Degrassi doesn't have a gifted program anymore," Alli said.

"Why is that?" Johnny asked. "I mean it's just a little weird that they only got one for TWO years and then dropped it like a hot potato."

"Well because if they kept it they would have had to deal with the complexities of seeing glasses-free and suddenly cool Clare hanging out with KC who cheated on her, Connor who liked her for a while, and Wesley who grabbed her breasts while dating an overprotective guy. They might have to actually address her transformation from nerdy and awkward but full of wisdom and common sense to half of EClare rather than just pulling it out of nowhere and hoping people would excuse that awkward transition based on Eli's hotness," Alli explained.

"I guess that makes sense," Johnny said. "Also if the gifted program hadn't ONLY been open to ninth graders, I might have been in it and gotten teased by Bruce the Moose and other such fellows and needed someone who understood me as an intellectual pariah and then actually had a logical reason for wanting to be with you."

"True that," Alli said. "Plus if anyone actually remembered that KC used to be in gifted, they would have died laughing during The Boiling Point."

Johnny, having just realized that the guy who broke up with his pregnant girlfriend by screaming that his life was being held together by tape was supposedly one of the brightest kids at Degrassi, died laughing. But then the random girl hanging out in his dorm used magic science to resurrect him.

"How did you DO that?" Alli asked. "You just reanimated dead tissue without Johnny turning into a zombie!"

The girl (whose name I can't remember) smiled. "Oh that's just something you learn in college. I also mind control rats."

"Okay it's your FIRST year at college and you're getting to perform self-directed research?" Alli asked. "That makes absolutely NO sense. Usually in your first year of college, _especially _at state school, you're stuck doing drudge work and filling requirement. I do not care if you're a genius. The author of this fic goes to a New Ivy and knows kids who scored like 5s on their AP Calc and Bio exams and STILL had to take basic requirements freshman year. You're lucky if you can work on things as elaborate as what you're describing as a senior! Most seniors are stuck doing papers or stupidly controlled projects unless they get like straight As all through college and can get into a highly selective honors program so don't tell me that you programming rats makes any logical sense."

"You're right," she said. "This is total Degrassi logic."

So then Chantay and Holly J were hanging out outside some building or other. "Hi, Holly J!" their internship boss said. "You look barely alive! Ready to run a marathon?"

"Oh yeah," Holly J said.

"The sad part is, that is an accurate depiction of how many bosses treat even serious illnesses," Chantay said.

So then they ran a marathon. "Dude something's wrong with you," Chantay said to Holly J. "Have you and Sav been having sex?"

"No, not me and _Sav_," Holly J said.

"Well...it's just that no one can have sex on Degrassi without dire consequences so I figured if you were this sick it must be some kind of morality warning for teenagers," Chantay said.

"Yeah..." Holly J said. "All Sav and I do is have fanservicey lap dances and it can't be Declan since he was put on a bus and shipped off the show. Anyway, I'm off to work."

"Dude what time does your shift even start?" Chantay asked. "I mean let's assume this internship starts right after school so maybe like 3:30 or 4:00 p.m. A marathon has to take at least a couple hours to run which means you're starting work on a school night at like 6 or 7 p.m. To work at least a four hour shift, you're working until at least until 10 or 11, possibly midnight if the place gets busy and/or you have to close. There's no way it's reasonable for you to go to work right after a marathon."

"Yeah but I'm tough," Holly J said. "I can handle it."

"You look terrible," Chantay said. "You look like the makeup artists put a tiny bit less effort into your hair and makeup than usual. In Degrassi Land that means you're already dead. Or you're Darcy."

Holly J rolled her eyes. "Look I'm fine."

So then she ran the marathon and then she went to work and passed out.

Meanwhile, Johnny DiMarco was like, "Alli. I am an academic who realized the error of his ways and am soon going to learn to cure cancer."

"That's nice, Johnny," Alli said.

"I may be dating some random extra who will never be on the show again, but I care about you for some reason and I want to see you make it to college. You're going to thrive," Johnny said. "You could learn to mind control rats."

"Since when have I shown any interest in intellectual pursuits?" All asked.

Johnny shrugged. "Every now and then it's relevant to the plot."

So then Alli went home.

Her parents were like, "ALLIAH WHY DID YOU NOT COME HOME WE WERE VERY WORRIED WHEN YOU RAN AWAY!"

Then Sav was like, "woah calm DOWN. You guys need to seriously like chill alright. Cuz ever since season seven you guys have been LUNATICS."

"We were not even in season seven," Mrs. Bhandari said.

"Are you sure?" Mr. Bhandari said. "It has been so long I do not even remember."

"Well EITHER way you were mentioned and it was this big plot drama that I couldn't be with Anya because I was going to get an arranged marriage, which somehow is not a problem at ALL now that I'm dating Holly J and somehow has never been brought up as a relevant issue in Alli's life," Sav said.

"Minor plot hole," Mr. Bhandari said.

"ANYWAY," Sav said. "She ran away because you treat her like crap and hate her guts."

"Oh Alli!" Mrs. Bhandari wept. "We had no idea that treating you like a worthless piece of filth would make you feel unwanted. Oh come here!"

And then they hugged.

"Wait a minute," Mr. Bhandari said. "When did we start allowing her to wear tons of makeup? In season eight we caught her wearing loads of makeup and different clothes at school and she was in trouble. Now that she wears a uniform we let her wear all the makeup she wants. I do not understand when this happened."

And then the camera cut away from the uninteresting Bhandaris and their plot holes. "Holly J, considering you had a near death experience last night and saw a white light, you probably shouldn't be giving a presentation today," Chantay said.

"I'm FINE!" Holly J said.

So then the presentation started and Holly J peed herself which was pretty goddamn embarrassing and then she was taken to the hospital and the doctor was like, "your illness is all your fault."

And then Sav showed up. "Oh Holly J you HAVE to get better. Please be okay."

The episode ended on this horrible cliff-hanger, and the next episode opened to Holly J up walking around just fine, sitting in the rehab office with Fiona.

"I am Fiona and I am an alcoholic. After 28 days in rehab, I am committed to getting better," Fiona said.

"Twenty eight days?" Holly J asked. "Okay seriously guys pull out a calendar. _In Too Deep _started on Valentine's Day. Let's assume you and Adam were together about a week before he dragged your ass to rehab, leaving us at February 21 from a conservative estimation for when she checked in. So today should be March 21 and shouldn't we all be on spring break at some point?"

"I'm sure spring break will happen somehow at the end of In Too Deep so season 11 can start with us still being seniors and then this school year can be dragged on until we're thirty," Fiona assured her friend.

"Oh okay," Holly J said.

"Not to add a mountain of stress to your life, Fiona, but the Bobby trial just happens to be right this second," Mrs. Coyne said. "I think you should drop the charges."

"And waste a complete plot line?" Fiona asked. "No way."

"Well who's going to go with you?" Mrs. Coyne said. "Your father was never cast and Declan was put on a very long bus trip that probably won't end until some end of season movie if even."

"Holly J will come with me," Fiona said.

"Isn't Holly J on her death bed?" Mrs. Coyne asked.

"Oh I'll be _fine_," Holly J said.

So the three of them flew to New York or wherever. "You have to believe me, your honor," Bobby said. "Just look at my insincere smile and phony acting. How could I have hit someone?"

And then Tinsley was like, "I can't take it anymore. I know I'm an extra but do I have to be a completely worthless one-dimensional character? Bobby hit me too."

"I'm sorry but do you have any evidence of this?" Bobby's lawyer asked.

"Let's break for lunch to allow the tension to build a bit," the judge said.

So Fiona, Holly J, and her mom went out to lunch. "Let's sit at that table," Holly J said. "The one by the huge champagne bottle."

After the food arrived, Mrs. Coyne said, "if you'll excuse me for a second I need to conveniently run off and leave my fresh-out-of-rehab daughter alone with a bottle of alcohol. Be right back."

And then Holly J was like, "I have to go have a near death experience in the bathroom. I'll be right back too."

Fiona stared at the alcohol for a few dramatic moments but didn't drink it.

Then Mrs. Coyne and Holly J came back and all was well.

So then the court session resumed. "Ms. Coyne," Bitch Lawyer said, "have you ever had a successful romantic relationship?"

"Well seeing as I'm seventeen, the odds are a bit against that," Fiona said.

"Ever since the movie Twilight came out, unrealistic expectations have been set about teenage love," Bitch Lawyer said. "You better get used to it."

Just then, Atlantaenea burst through the door and leapt onto the table. "OH STOP THIS MADNESS!" she shrieked. "Long have I kept silent, but I must be honest about what happened to me!"

"My goodness," Mrs. Coyne said. "I thought you were in the hospital."

"She's a Mary Sue, Mom," Fiona said. "Holly J is up and walking around after being hospitalized, so Xanath has to outdo her. It's law."

Just then, Atlantaenea pulled a video out of her pocket. "Please watch this. It contains the innermost secrets of my soul."

The judges rolled the tape.

_Bobby was sitting at a table drinking a beer. "Underage drinking is cool cuz I have no values," Bobby said._

_ Satan walked through the door and raised his hand for a high five. "How's my favorite buddy?" Satan asked._

_ "Terrific, now that I managed to burn down seventeen orphanages. By the way, Satan, did I ever tell you about how I am personally responsible for September 11th?" Bobby asked._

_ "Oh you didn't have to tell me," Satan said. "It's obvious."_

"I think we've seen enough," the judge said. "Bobby, you are no longer relevant to the plot and are hereby sentenced to go live with Terri."

"Wow that's really not funny," Fiona said. "Her last boyfriend was abusive."

"Okay fine he'll go live with that random douche who dated Emma for ten minutes and then left the show," the judge said.

"Which one?" Fiona asked.

"Fine he'll go live with Declan. It'll be great," the judge said.

Looking into Atlantaenea's pure, crystalline eyes, Tinsley made the only conclusion she could make. "You're so like brave and inspiring," Tinsley said. "I'm done with guys. Let's fall in love."

And then they kissed.

So then Holly J went to congratulate Fiona. "Oh Holly J, this was all because of you. I love you SO MUCH!"

Then Fiona kissed Holly J in front of Mrs. Coyne.

The next day, everyone hit their heads on really sharp rocks and forgot that kiss ever happened.

"So Holly J I'm suddenly in an incredibly good mood!" Fiona said. "What do you say you come over?"

"Can't, I have Sav," Holly J said. "Not that I'm in love with him because I am clearly not and hope the audience is clear on that so there can be some shipping ambiguity here."

"Oh of course," Fiona said. "Have fun with your boy toy."

Just as Holly J walked away, Adam conveniently showed up. "Hey," he said awkwardly.

"Hey," Fiona said. "Sorry about the alcoholism."

"It's cool," Adam said.

"Come over later?" Fiona asked.

"Sure," Adam said.

At Later O'Clock, Adam came over to watch a movie. "I'm sorry I got so ridiculously out of control," Fiona said. "I was using alcohol as a crutch to deal with my abusive ex boyfriend."

"Are you sure you weren't using it to deal with how you made out with an FTM?" Adam asked.

"No," Fiona said. "I like you for who you are."

"Really?" Adam asked. "Cool. So what do you like about me?"

"Well you're soft," Fiona said.

"Like a girl?" Adam asked.

"No, no way," Fiona said. "Like a guy. And you have such a non-deep voice. And your body is so curvy."

"Like a girl's?" Adam asked.

"No not like a girl's. Like Holly J's...uhm...IF Holly J were a guy. I'm straight as an arrow," Fiona said.

"Face it, Fiona! The only straight thing you ever did was kiss Declan. Bobby doesn't count because your mom set you up with him and you know it!" Adam said.

"I like you!" Fiona said.

"You like Holly J!" Adam said. "The author of this fic has shipped you two literally from the second she knew you existed."

So then the clock fast forwarded to the next day when Holly J and Fiona were on the couch watching sad love movies. "How do you know when you love someone?" Fiona asked.

"When you're around them, you feel like you have superpowers," Holly J said.

"So like when you were dating Blue and he kept drawing superhero comics of you?" Fiona asked.

"No not like that," Holly J said. "That was just stupid. Don't worry, Fiona. You'll fall in love someday. Anyway it's 9:00 and I'm on my death bed so I'm off for some sleep."

So then Holly J went to bed, leaving Fiona alone with her romantic angst. Just then, her mom walked in. "Hey, Mom. Strange of you to pop in during my slumber party. Oh I'm in love with Holly J."

"Oh that's disappointing," Mrs. Coyne said.

"Mom that's not fair!" Fiona said.

"Oh no honey I'm not disappointed in _you_. I'm disappointed in how quickly your struggle got addressed. Riley got two _seasons _worth of bullshit over his orientation and you get an episode or two? This is unbelievable! Why is it that the gay guys always get so much more of a plot surrounding their sexual struggle than lesbians do?" Mrs. Coyne asked. "I mean Riley's not even an interesting character."

"Well to be fair, Zane gets even less attention than I do," Fiona said.

"Well true," Mrs. Coyne conceded.

"Anyway," Fiona said. "You're not mad at me for being a lesbian?"

"Oh honey, not every parent is Mrs. Torres," Mrs. Coyne said. "Besides, Degrassi already has a parent refusing to accept her gay kid plotline going on right now. Another one would be tedious."

And then they hugged.

So then the next day, Fiona showed up at the hospital where Holly J was getting dialysis. "Oh good you're still alive," Fiona said. "Cuz I've got something to tell you."

"What is it?" Holly J asked.

"I'm gay," Fiona said.

"Wow since when?" Holly J asked.

"Since always. I mean before Degrassi my only boyfriend was a random pen pal not to discredit long distance relationships since the author of this fic is in one, and then I dated Riley who was gay and then I dated Bobby who my mom set me up with. I don't have much straight cred," Fiona said.

"So do you have a crush on anyone?" Holly J asked.

"Guess you completely forgot about the random courtroom kiss," Fiona said.

"You do that to everybody," Holly J said. "Even Declan. Speaking of Declan, have you told him yet?"

"No but he won't be surprised. We were always fighting over girls," Fiona said.

And then Wesley fell off his pogo stick and a random extra comforted him. "Wow you are so cool even though I've only known you for two seconds," Hannah said. "Let's date."

"God there are TOO many freaking new characters," Dave said. "I mean Connor here is basically walking scenery now, Bianca is in a dead-end plotline with Drew who's also going nowhere, I am completely pointless and irrelevant, Sadie is only relevant because she's the irrelevant guy's girlfriend, Jess disappeared, Marisol also disappeared, and now this chick?"

"It gets worse," Connor said. "There's going to be a new girl named Emogen who everyone thinks is going to steal Eli."

"It's spelled Imogen," Dave said.

"Oh who's going to spell it right, let's be real," Connor said.

ON THE NEXT ALL NEW DUH-GROH-SEE.

CLARE ASKS ELI TO GIVE HER SOME SPACE.

"ELI DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!" CLARE WILL YELL.

"WELL DRAMADYDOODAH DRAMADEEAYE!" ELI SCREAMED BACK.

BUT WILL THE PRESSURE OF ALL THAT DRAMA LEAD TO...EVEN MORE DRAMA?

THE CAMERA PANNED TO ELI HOLDING A GUN.

FIND OUT ON AN ALL NEW DEH-GROH-SEE!

IN.

TOO.

DEEP!


	21. The Long Overdue Chapter

A/N: I am very sorry that I didn't get the season 10 finale up a lot sooner. Now I'm behind on season 11 parody writing as well. Damn.

So Eli leapt out of his hearse and threw his arm around Clare. "You're not going to believe this! Our story about how I'm going to kill you just got published."

"Our story?" Clare asked. "You wrote it. You deserve the credit."

"But I'm INSANE Clare, listen to me!" Eli said, with crazed eyes. "You are my muse. My poetic inspiration. The bright sun to my dark brooding moon..."

"What's your point?" Clare asked.

"Let's lock ourselves in a closet and work on a novel!" Eli said. "This is the beginning of our future together."

"We're fifteen," Clare said.

"Fifteen is NOT too young to be thinking about eternity, Clare," Eli said. "We were cast for each other."

So then Alli was like, "so Clare, you coming to the dance that I worked really hard to win us?"

"Wouldn't miss it?" Clare asked.

"I just got my serial killer fantasies published and you care about a DANCE?" Eli belted. "What are you, fifteen?"

"Uhm, yes," Clare said.

"Oh," Eli said. "Right. Guess I forgot."

DOO DOO DAH DOO DAH DOO DAH

DUH DUH DUH DA DOO DEE DOO DAH

DWAAAAAARRRPPPP

WUDDEVURR IT TAYKZ

AH NO AH KIN MAYKIT THROO

DA DA NA NA NA NUH

IF AH HOLD AUT

AH NO AH CAN MAYKIT THROO

A WOOOOOO-OOOOO-OOOO-OOOOO-OOOOH

BE THU BEHST

THUH BEHST THAT AH CAN BEE

WUDDEVUR IT TAYKS

AH NO AH KIN MAYK IT AH KIN MAYK IT AH KIN MAYKIT THROO

A WOO

WUDDEVER IT TAYKS

AH NO AH KIN MAYKIT THROO

DUH DA DUNA DAH DAH DO DAH

Then the camera zoomed in on Jenna and Alli who were hanging out at Jenna's house. "Why isn't KC coming to the baby shower?" Alli asked.

"Because he's busy playing basketball," Jenna said. "I let him do that as a reward for building the nurser...oh my fuck he didn't even BUILD the nursery. What a tool."

"Duh...he was a tool since season eight," Alli said.

So then Jenna ran outside. "Hey, KC, what the fuck? I thought you were all 'I'm gonna take being a dad seriously now.' But instead you're all 'fuck you Jenna, I'm not building your nursery so nyeeh. What gives?'"

KC's nostrils flared with rage. It has been EPISODES since we've seen KC's angry nostril flare so it was really exciting.

"You. Told. Me. To. Play. _**BASKETBALL!**_" KC screamed, his nostrils flaring with extra hot rage.

"Wow," Jenna said. "That was honestly the stupidest thing you've ever yelled at me."

"Stupider than 'my life is hanging together by tape?'" KC asked incredulously.

"Yep," Jenna said. "Gah it's been over a week since you said that and people are STILL making fun of it on Tumblr."

So then Anya and Fiona walked into an empty classroom where Holly J was making a _Sav: Pros and Cons List._

"Pros," Holly J said to herself. "Funny, gives him a reason to still be on the show now that all of his friends have graduated and Anya isn't with him anymore, smart, is a band that'll last for five minutes since it's March of our senior year and we're supposed to graduate in two months. Cons," she sighed. "Pisses off Dolly J shippers. Pisses off Folly J shippers. Not feeling it."

"Is that a pros and cons list about Sav?" Anya asked.

"Yeah maybe," Holly J said.

"If _not feeling it _is on the list, you probably aren't feeling it," Anya said.

"You think?" Holly J asked. "It's just every time I come over to his house we play board games and nothing else."

"So wait you went from stripping down to my lingerie to playing board games?" Fiona asked. "That is lame."

So then Eli showed up at Clare's house. "Hi, Mrs. Edwards. This is my dad, Bullfrog."

"Why is his name Bullfrog?" Mrs. Edwards asked.

"The show hasn't bothered explaining that yet," Bullfrog said.

"And why do people on Tumblr ship YOU with my husband?" Mrs. Edwards asked. "I was expecting someone more attractive. Heck, even Mr. Simpson would be a better catch."

"Hey now, don't diss a guy who has willingly worked on the same show since the 80's," Bullfrog said. "You'd be pretty damn sick of it by now wouldn't you?"

"Probably," Mrs. Edwards said. "Anyway what are you here to bother me with?"

"I wanna monopolize your daughter's time," Eli said. "Let me take her on a road trip with me."

"She's fifteen," Mrs. Edwards said.

"We were cast for each other," Eli protested.

"Well considering Emma, who presumably was cast for Sean, ended up with Spinner of all people who still goes by Spinner rather than Gavin despite being in his twenties now I really don't find that a compelling argument," Mrs. Edwards said.

"PLEASE," Eli said. "We'll be in separate rooms. I won't bone her OR drink her blood!"

"I promise, ma'am," Bullfrog said. "There will be NO blood exchange on the trip."

"Well," Mrs. Edwards sighed. "Okay."

Then Eli ran up to Clare at school and was like, "CLARE, you have to come on a road trip with me!"

"Why are you planning a road trip on the same day as the dance that I already told you I wasn't missing?" Clare asked.

"Because I'm a soulful brooding writer!" Eli yelled.

"That doesn't explain anything," Clare said.

"LOVE ME!" Eli shouted.

"I need space," Clare said.

And then EliCanRavishMe666 ran up to Clare and was like, "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM! HE'S SO IN LOVE WITH YOU AND YOU'RE OBLIVIOUS AND YOU DON'T EVEN CARE! HE MADE YOUR CHARACTER AND HE CAN UNMAKE IT! I WILL NOT STAND FOR ELI HOOKING UP WITH EMOGEN NEXT SEMESTER."

"It's Imogen," Eli said.

"You know how to spell her name?" Clare asked. "You're really going to scare the shit out of the EClare shippers who read this fic."

"I'm articulate!" Eli said. "I'm a writer."

So then Eli waked back into the school building. "Eli, I'm concerned about you," his teacher said. "You know a lot of writers get inspired by real life. And you're writing about drinking your girlfriend's blood. That worries me."

"Okay what the fuck?" Eli asked. "Last year Clare writes MULTIPLE fan fiction stories about drinking Declan's blood and goes so far as to BITE HIM and no one starts rumors that she's going to literally actually drink his blood. Yet when I write a story about a fictional character drinking another fictional character's blood that makes me a raging psycho lunatic! This is a double standard, symbolizing the blatant hypocrisy and dated double standard in our society about how men are supposedly more dangerous than women."

"Look Eli," she said. "You've been acting like a complete lunatic. Realize it."

Then Anya took a seat next to Fiona at The Dot. "Hi, old friend."

"Since when were we friends?" Fiona asked.

"Well you're gay, aren't you?" Anya asked.

"Yeah," Fiona said.

"And I'm the obligatory friend and emotional mentor to every gay character on the show," Anya said. "So now that you're a lesbian I'm officially your friend."

Fiona shrugged. "Wow, I thought you'd be one of those straight girls who mostly hung around gay guys because they were hot but would probably be all 'eew lesbians' if a girl ever hit on you."

"Nah, that would ruin things for all the Holly J/Anya shippers who are still holding on from season seven," Anya said. "Besides, Holly J is literally my only straight friend."

"Wait..." Fiona said. "Wait a minute. What the fuck are the writers not telling us about Chantay?"

"Why, you interested?" Anya asked.

"No, I'm interested in Holly J," Fiona said.

"Made you say it," Anya said.

"What an amazing revelation," Fiona said dryly. "There has been absolutely no foreshadowing of this except for my insanely over-the-top jealousy when Declan started dating her despite the fact that I was totally ambivalent when he was chasing after Mia and Jane."

"Right," Anya said.

So then Holly J was like, "OMG you guys have GOT to help me! I NEED to come up with a passive-aggressive way to break up with Sav."

"You do realize it's a little cruel to be telling a girl who was in love with Sav until early this year all about how you plan to throw him out for no reason whatsoever, right?" Anya asked.

"Yeah well I'm a terrible friend to you and everyone knows it," Holly J said.

"You're not a terrible friend," Fiona said. "You're just doing what's best for the plot."

"Thanks, Fiona," Holly J said obliviously.

So then later they were at Degrassi because it's normal for the show to just cut from The Dot to Degrassi at random times making it seem like some kids spend days at a time at The Dot while other kids are at school. Sav's parents drove up to the school and Holly J was like, "we're dating."

"She meant carbon dating," Sav said. "It's something you do in science class."

"No, I mean I'm his girlfriend," Holly J said.

"She means she's a girl who is my friend," Sav said.

"No I mean I stripped for him at Vegas night," Holly J said. "How the fuck were you not notified of that? That's kind of a big deal."

"There are a lot of plot holes this season," Mrs. Bandhari admitted. "Your girlfriend is very smart to realize that. You should marry her."

"Wuh wait," Holly J said. "Anya's smart too. So why all of a sudden are you okay with me just because I show signs of being a good student when I've been that way since season seven?"

"Anya used to have dyslexia," Mr. Bandhari said. "Yet this has not ever been mentioned since season seven and she does not even seem to notice. She is _terrible _at recognizing plot holes. Hell, she did not even notice that Chantay is technically her friend and is heterosexual in the last scene. Terrible girlfriend material if you ask me."

So then Jenna was like, "I am just SO very relaxed because KC is totally on top of absolutely everything and would never act like an irresponsible dick."

So then KC got a phone call. "Hey," he said into the phone.

"Hey, KC, it's Drew. So the guys were going to go out and act like irresponsible dicks. Y'know, play some basketball, hook up with some people we're not dating, the usual."

"Oh I dunno, man," KC said.

"It's okay," Jenna said. "Go play basketball."

So then Jenna noticed for the first time that the crib parts weren't even out of the box. Because this is something that a mother-to-be would definitely overlook. "Oh my GOD KC!" Jenna shouted. "Our baby is due ANY EPISODE NOW and you haven't even built the crib."

Just then, the fires of hell started to gather in KC's dark, angry soul. "You. Told. Me. To. Play. BA-SKET-BAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" he shouted, ripping the basketball hoop out of the ground and snapping it in half with his teeth.

"Wait," Jenna said. "I thought the irrational, angry, lunatic KC was gone."

"Well ever since Riley and Mrs. Torres stopped being on the show very often, I've had to pick up the slack," KC said.

"Can't refute that," Jenna said.

So then Eli was like, "CLARE WHY AREN'T YOU INTERESTED IN GOING ON A ROAD TRIP WITH ME?"

"Because you planned a road trip on the anniversary of Julia's death," Clare said. "I'm worried that you're rushing into something because of some deep psychological whatever that you have."

"Deep psychological whatever? REALLY, Clare?" Eli asked.

"I'm fifteen, I don't know anything about psychology!" Clare said.

"FINE! If this is Julia's fault, I'll kill her!" Eli screamed. He ran off in a huff, stole his father's gun, and started shooting at pictures of her.

So the next day, he went to school and was like, "hey Clare."

Over Eli's shoulder, Clare saw the gun in Eli's car. "Uhm...why don't we not take a break? Let's uhm...be together. Yeah. I'm super into you."

"Okay kewl," Eli said.

So then during class, Eli got called to the office, where Bullfrog was standing. "Hey, man, y'know ya just can't bring guns to school and stuff, okay? I mean that's just so not cool and shit."

"You know if a normal kid brought a gun to school their parents would probably be flying into a rage about now," Eli said. "What the HELL?"

"Naw man, your mother and I aren't really big on rules and boundaries and other super uncool things but man bringing a gun to school does NOT rock okay? So like what the hell were you gonna do? Shoot Fitz before the show could give him any more really awkward scenes where he unconvincingly pretends to be a Christian?"

"NO!" Eli said. "That would be fucking RETARDED! I was shooting at pictures of my dead girlfriend, okay?"

"Woah now Eli, making fun of the mentally handicapped is also super not cool 'n stuff. But like what were you thinking man. I mean shooting Julia isn't gonna make her any less dead 'n stuff. So like you're grounded 'n stuff."

"I CAN'T BE GROUNDED!" Eli screamed. "I'm the most desirable character on the show according to at least 75% of female fans under the age of 18 who aren't still pining for Declan!"

"Oh and Clare's the one who told me about all this, so go act like a jerk to her 'n stuff okay?" Bullfrog asked.

So then Eli went back into the school. "You called Bullfrog? Why the FUCK...?"

"You scare me," Clare said. "And you drive a stupid car and act like a psycho irrational moron."

"Well then I will find the most PSYCHO, irrational way POSSIBLE to get rid of that car, Clare," Eli said.

"That's NOT what I want," Clare said.

"WHATEVER!" Eli screamed. "I don't BELIEVE YOU!"

With that, Eli ran off.

Meanwhile, Holly J, Anya, and Fiona went to Fiona's house to prepare for a big dance. "Hey Fiona," Holly J said flirtatiously. "You look ungodly sexy and any woman would be happy to have you. It's too bad I'm not a lesbian or else we could hook up."

"That's great," Fiona said awkwardly.

"You know as a matter of fact you are almost hotter than Declan," Holly J said.

"Holly J, can I talk to you for a minute?" Anya asked.

When the two of them were alone, Anya was like, "OH MY GOD HOLLY J, FIONA'S GAY FOR YOU AND YOU'RE HITTING ON HER. THIS IS GREAT FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO MAKE FOLLY J FANVIDS ON YOUTUBE BUT IT'S A REALLY SHITTY THING TO DO TO POOR FIONA. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

And Holly J was like, "no one's gay for me. I don't care HOW much fanfiction you read, Anya. NO ONE is gay for me."

"I'm not talking about fanfiction, Holly J. Fiona's having femslash dreams about you so technically at least on one side of the equation, it's canon."

"Wow, the script writers really ripped off a LOT of good one-sided Fiona loves Holly J fanfics then," Holly J said.

Anya nodded. "Yeah, well, they do that. But they didn't actually do as good a job as a lot of those writers do, and they really rushed the plot."

"Yeah, but lesbians never get the same angst time as gay guys do," Holly J said. "I mean, how many episodes did we get about Marco, or about Riley screaming about his homosexuality that no one really even cares about except maybe Drew but even still? Yet when Paige is suddenly bisexual and Alex is suddenly a lesbian that gets like one episode to develop. And don't even get me started on how little attention Fiona is getting."

"You really are hung up about lesbianism, Holly J," Anya said.

"Shut up," Holly J said.

"YAH SHUDDUP!" declanmakesmehot2233 screamed. "DOLLY J IS ENDGAME ZOMG!"

Anya laughed. "Are you crazy? They make too much sense. Everyone knows that everyone essentially marries whoever's left from their generation of Degrassi characters. Holly J will probably end up marrying someone completely out of nowhere like Connor or maybe Toby if they can get him back on the show."

"Or they could just write me off and end my romantic plotline completely," Holly J said. "It worked for Jane."

So then they all went to the dance and Holly J picked up a loudspeaker and was like, "ATTENTION LESBIANS OF DEGRASSI. FIONA COYNE IS SINGLE AND GAY. REALLY GAY. COME GET HER!"

"Holly J, I don't think there actually are any lesbians at Degrassi," Anya said.

"What about that Larissa chick who runs some kind of LGBT club and got Riley in trouble for a hate crime in season nine?" Holly J asked.

"She disappeared off the face of the Earth," Anya said.

Just then, a character even more irrelevant than Dave showed up. "Hey, you're gay," Holly J said. "Dance with Fiona."

"Uh how the fuck did you know that that random extra was gay?" Anya asked. "Even my gaydar isn't that good."

"Holly J, what the fuck is wrong with you? You KNOW relationships with random extras never last!" Fiona shouted.

"I was just trying to make you get over me!" Holly J said.

"Oh come ON," Fiona said. "That is so not fair. I've been officially pining for ONE episode. How fucking long did Manny get to pine over Craig? Or Ellie for that matter? And how fucking long did you get to pine over Spinner? This is so unfair! I call discrimination!"

"You can't refute that," Anya said.

"Let's be friends and forget this ever happened," Holly J said.

"Okay."

So then Clare and Alli walked in. "Gee, I hope Eli doesn't kill himself," Clare said.

"You're such a downer, Clare," Alli said. "Why can't you just chill and have fun?"

"Because my boyfriend's a suicidal maniac who lives in a trash heap," Clare said.

"Oh," Alli said. "Yeah that's kind of a killjoy. You should dump him."

"Kind of a kill joy?" Clare asked. "But of course Johnny, Mr. Don''llsulkatyou was just the life of Degrassi."

"He's changed into a positive role model," Alli said.

"Oh right," Clare said. "My bad."

So then Fiona was like, "Holly J, I've officially loved you for two whole episodes. It's time for me to move on and consider dating someone who looks like Mrs. Torres and fucking her in a leather bikini."

"That's a good idea, Fiona," Holly J said.

So then Jenna popped out a baby at some point but it has been SO goddamn long since I've seen this episode that I don't really remember much about that except why the fuck would Jenna be happy about Bianca being at the thing if she hates Bianca but anyway oh well.

So then Clare got a phone call from Eli. "Hey I'm gonna kill myself, what do you think?"

"Eli, DON'T do something stupid and ridiculous," Clare said.

"I'm doing this for US!" Eli screamed dramatically into the phone.

He waited until he crashed his car to hang up the phone because that's really easy to do. So then Clare left the dance to go to the hospital.

"Hey Clare, s'nicea yeh to come to the hospital n'stuff," Bullfrog said. "Eli's all half-dead n'stuff."

So Clare walked into his hospital room. "Eli. What. The. Fuck?" Clare asked.

"Oh you know. You didn't like my car so I decided to have a near death experience. We cool?"

"No," Clare said. "No we are not. I don't care HOW many new ninjas come to Degrassi. This is fucking ridiculous."

The camera zoomed in on Eli's _what have I done _face, and that was the end of the episode.


	22. The Thug Chapter

A/N: It might take me a while to get up to date on all the new Degrassi episodes flooding in, but I will do my best.

It was spring break in Toronto, despite it being the middle of July everywhere else, and the students of Degrassi Formerly Junior but Now Exclusively Senior High School were all either moping around about being single, or moping around about being grounded.

"What are you doing?" Alli asked Sav.

He shrugged. "I don't know. I was thinking I'd sit around and write depressing guitar songs all day."

"Why on Earth would you do that?" Alli asked.

"Alli, this is Degrassi. Writing depressing music's what you do when someone dumps you. Remember Ashley?"

"Yeah, but you're Sav," Alli reminded him. "You're the only actual guy left in grade twelve. You can't be off the market."

Nodding sagely, Sav put down the guitar. "You're absolutely right. Where can we go to meet some girls?"

"I was thinking a sunglasses stand," Alli said. "Those are always hopping joints this time of day."

So they went to a sunglasses stand and a random girl Sav had never met before showed up. "Hey," she said flirtatiously.

"Hi," Sav said mopingly.

"You look like you're a sweet, sensitive, down-to-Earth guy whose girlfriend just left him," she said. "I was thinking maybe I could mend your broken heart and fall in love with you."

"Woah," Sav said. "How did you know that about me?" Sav asked.

The girl shrugged. "You do realize your school is infiltrated by ninja spies, right?"

"Yeah, but I thought they only cared about Eli and Clare," Sav said.

"Have you been on Tumblr lately?" the girl asked. "Now that EClare is broken up, obsessive fangirls don't know what to DO with themselves! Some of them even care about you again."

"Cool!" Sav said. That was exactly the boost he needed to his self-esteem. "When will I see you again, random new character? You're not going to get shipped off to Africa before we can even have a single date, are you?"

"Naw," she said. "I promise to stick around for at least one episode. I'll be at some club later. You coming?"

Sav opened his script and saw that he was supposed to be there. "Yes."

"I'm Keyana," she said. "I'll put your name on the list." She looked at the hi-lighted part of his script. "Sav. Okay. Got it."

So then Bianca and Drew and some people were hanging out downtown. "Who wants to win some tickets to the Keke Palmer contest?" an announcer yelled.

"Who's Keke Palmer?" Drew asked.

"I don't know but Degrassi is trying to launch her career so act interested!" the announcer shouted.

Bianca got up on stage and danced and everybody cheered.

"Since she's the only person in this massive crowd of over a hundred people who's interested in auditioning, here's a convenient number of tickets to make sure everyone in Bianca's group of friends gets to go."

"Yay Bianca!" Drew cheered.

Just then a thug showed up. "Yo Bianca, s'up?"

Bianca gave him a look of disgust.

"Shit Bianca!" Drew shouted. "You didn't tell me you had a thug ex-boyfriend. Do you remember what happened to J.T. when Mia got one of those?"

"Re-lax," Bianca shrugged.

"Okay sweet," Drew said.

So then later Bianca and a bunch of people went to the concert. "Wow," Alli said. "You know it is TOTALLY weird that you, Bianca, Drew, Dave, Sadie, Jenna, K.C., and I all have the same taste in music."

"Yeah," Sav said. "Holy shit the girl on stage is the same chick who hit on me earlier."

"What the fuck?" Alli asked. "This show is getting SO ridiculously unrealistic I swear."

So then Keke Palmer invited Sav on stage because that's totally what you do when you just met a guy earlier that day at a sunglasses stand.

And then Mr. Thug was like, "hey Bianca. Date me or I kill the shit out of you, okay?"

"Uh...how could I say no?" Bianca asked.

So then Drew showed up. "HOLY SHIT I AM JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS SO FAST IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY!" he shouted.

Bianca left Mr. Thug for a moment and was like, "dude it's Degrassi. He's a dangerous thug who will kill someone if I don't date him."

"That's BULLSHIT!" Drew said. "That never happens on Degrassi."

And Bianca was like, "uhm...what about earlier when you were saying..."

"Fuck that shit, we're through!" Drew shouted.

So then he stormed off and found K.C. "I dumped my girlfriend!" Drew exclaimed.

"Why?" K.C. asked.

"Cuz she cheated on me and made up some bullshit about how her boyfriend's the next dangerous thug character on Degrassi who's going to teach teenagers a positive moral lesson about the dangers of gangs."

"What if she's telling the truth?" K.C. asked. "That TOTALLY sounds like something the Degrassi writers would make into a plotline."

"Shit, you're right!" Drew said. "I gotta go find Bianca."

So then Drew ran out to a dark alley where Bianca was about to get raped. "I am SO glad I took that class on how to be psychic about which dark alley my girlfriend was in," Drew said to himself. "Really comes in handy."

So then Drew tackled Mr. Thug and got the shit beaten out of him. And then Bianca dropped a cinder block on Mr. Thug. And then she dropped the bracelet with her name on it by accident which is really fucking inconvenient. But in the rush of things, no one noticed.

Meanwhile, Fiona was like, "I can't wait to spend spring break at an expensive beach."

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," Mrs. Coyne said. "An expensive beach isn't in Degrassi's budget for this season."

"What?" Fiona asked.

"I'm sorry sweetie, they spent all the money on a scooter so you could date a biker chick," Mrs. Coyne said.

So then Fiona called Holly J and was like, "so how am I going to find a girlfriend?"

"I don't know. Take an art class with me?" Holly J suggested.

"What are the odds that the second I walk into the art studio there will be a lesbian conveniently available for my dating pleasure?" Fiona asked.

The next day, they walked into the art studio and there was a lesbian conveniently available for Fiona's dating pleasure.

"Hi, I'm Charlie," Charlie said. "I'm not in the opening credits so don't get too attached to me, but for now I'm gay and single."

"Sounds great," Fiona said.

So then the next day, the newspaper was like, "Mr. Thug is DEAD!"

And Drew was like, "oh shit we gotta do the responsible thing and tell the cops."

And Bianca was like, "I have a record. I can't kill someone or I'll go to jail."

"Well that just BLOWS, Bianca," Drew said.

So then Vince and some other thugs showed up and was like, "I'm going to kill you, Drew."

And Drew was like, "LAME."

And then Fiona had Charlie over and kissed her in a bikini for a while because that's what you do on a first date with someone you've never met before who you're having over to your house. Degrassi's harsh stranger danger rules don't apply to lesbians. So then Fiona was like, "let's take things slower than me getting 95% naked on the first date from now on."

And Charlie was like, "cool."

So later Vince was like, "so Drew, if you wanna shoot someone I won't kill you."

And Drew was like, "okay I guess."

So then he took the gun from Vince and Bianca was like, "are you psycho?"

And then later, Drew was like, "Hey Dave's dad, these people want me to shoot someone and I'm all like no way so can you help or something?"

"Wait slow down," Dave's dad said. "Uh...what?"

"I killed a guy by accident and now some gang thugs want me to kill someone else to keep them from killing me," Drew said.

Having done the valiant thing and protected Bianca's honor, Drew got in the car, prepared from some exciting Mrs. Torres drama later.

So then Sav and Keke Palmer had coffee together. "Are you ever going to be on the show again?" Sav asked.

"Who knows?" Keke asked. "A lot of Degrassi students are actually in the witness protection program and are on the run from ninjas," Keke said. "That's why people come and go so fast around here."

"Oh," Sav's brow furrowed. "That actually almost makes sense."  
"More sense than everyone and their dog volunteering in Africa anyway," Keke said.

"Good point," Sav said.

So then Drew and Mrs. Torres went to see a lawyer. "Assuming that your story checks out and it seems to, you should be able to use your self-defense alibi and not get arrested for murder," the lawyer said.

"Okay that's great," Drew said. "But in the meantime, who's going to make sure that Vince doesn't kill me to death?"

"The same person making sure that ninjas don't run rampant and kidnap a few students each semester," the lawyer said.

Drew gripped his armrests in terror. "OH SHIT, MAN! You mean...I could be NEXT? I can't be next! I have a brother. I'm an established character."

"Mr. Torres, you do realize that Kendra had a brother and disappeared just the same," the lawyer said. "She even had a steady boyfriend who had been on the show for longer than Bianca. I say you're screwed."

"Drew, don't be melodramatic," Mrs. Torres said. "You'll be fine."

Drew jumped out of his chair. "Wait, wait, HOLD IT. So when a couple of random assholes at Degrassi jump Adam, you show up at the school EVERY SINGLE DAY and make Principal Simpson's life a living hell. But then when an entire GANG that is fully equipped with FULLY FUNCTIONING GUNS comes after your _other _son, you just sit calmly and ignore the whole situation like it's nothing? WHAT THE FUCK have the writers done with your character?"

"Well they figured if I stayed in character for this plotline you would never do anything as stupid as going out walking by yourself and getting mugged, which you're going to do later in the episode," Mrs. Torres said.

"Well fuck," Drew said.

So then they all went to school and Clare was like, "ELI I STILL LOVE YOU!"

And Eli was like, "whatever."

"I can't BELIEVE he doesn't have feelings for me!" Clare freaked out to Alli.

"Well you have to look at this logically, here," Alli said. "Eli is walking around in a cast with a broken leg because he totaled his car to prove his love for you after shooting at pictures of his dead girlfriend to try to cement his feelings for you. Don't you think the guy probably feels a _little _embarrassed about all that?"

"Maybe," Clare conceded.

"And do you think that _maybe_ if you had done something that outrageous that had inspired THAT much fan stupidity, you'd want to avoid the person who inspired you to do it?" Alli asked.

"There was NO fan stupidity over Eli crashing his car," Clare said. "No one would be insensitive enough to turn someone's emotional breakdown into internet flame war fuel."

So then Alli took Clare into the computer lab and loaded Tumblr which was not blocked under the new regime because I said so. Alli found the Degrassi Secrets tumblr, where 85-90 percent of secrets are just pictures of Eli covered in red text. Half of said pictures said that he was an abuser and anyone who likes his character doesn't know what an abusive relationship is and blames the victim. The other half of said pictures said that Clare is ugly and doesn't deserve someone as romantic as Eli. Because for some reason, Clare being ugly is the polar opposite of her being in an abusive relationship. The two possibilities are mutually exclusive in the world of internet drama. Which is kind of a sad statement about the world, but anyway, moving on.

So then Clare went home and Mrs. Edwards was like, "I invited your new love interest over for dinner tonight."

And Clare was like, "I don't WANT a new love interest."

So then a guy walked into the house and was like, "I'm Jake."

"Jake?" Clare asked. "They seriously named you Jake?"

"What's wrong with Jake?" Jake asked.

"Oh I don't know. Maybe the whole fact that in Twilight, the dark overprotective borderline abusive brooding guy's romantic competition's name is Jacob and this seems a bit ironic since I have a vampire fetish," Clare said.

"Shut up and kiss me," Jake said.

"Okay," Clare said.

So then K.C. was being a terrible parent. "K.C.," Jenna said. "Why the HELL am I alone all day with the baby while you go to school?"

"I dunno," K.C. said. "Because I'm a dick and I have been since season nine so it really shouldn't be news to anyone."

So then Jenna was like, "not good enough."

"Fine, move in with me," K.C. said. "My mom needs more screen time anyway."

So then Drew was like, "Bianca, we're through."

And Bianca was like, "oh for the love of fuck."

And then Drew walked outside by himself and got violently assaulted by gang members. At some point, we might let you know if he's okay or not, but don't expect this to happen within the next five episodes or anything because Eli getting hit on by a stalker in hipster glasses is way more important to the tween demographic.


	23. The Hospital Drama Chapter

So Eli and Fiona and a bunch of other people walked into a theater class. "Dude," Eli said. "Why do we have the same teacher for English, art, _and_ theater?"

"They can't afford to hire any more teachers," Fiona said.

"But that's ridiculous. Maybe instead of casting fifteen new students every semester, they should invest in a couple of teachers. At least then the show would be realistic," Eli said.

"Since when has Degrassi been realistic?" Fiona asked. "I'm the daughter of a diplomat and I shop at Forever 21 according to Tumblr. How's that for unrealistic? That place has like twenty dollar dresses!"

So then this girl with ridiculous pigtails (that kind of look like what would happen if Sailor Moon became brunette and got a haircut) and hipster glasses who talks and sometimes behaves like Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter showed up. "Why are you in grade eleven drama, Ms. Blue Shirt?"

"Uh...what high school seriously has a dedicated enough drama department to have a separate class for every year?" Fiona asked.

"That doesn't answer my question," Imogen said.

"Well fine," Fiona said. "I'm short a few credits so I have to come back next year."

"If you're only in grade eleven credit-wise, shouldn't you have a red shirt then?" Imogen asked. "I mean, most schools put you in grade levels based on the credits you've completed, not based on whether you're friends with Holly J or not."

Fiona sighed. "Well my story is really angsty and complicated I'll have you know."

"Also don't really wealthy kids who have mostly attended private prep academies get into college _earlier _than normal public school kids?" Imogen asked. "Your story doesn't add up."

"Give her a break!" Eli said. "She's the first lesbian character since Alex and the Degrassi writers didn't think it was fair after the years of unresolved sexual tension between Holly J and Anya and later Holly J and Jane to only have an active lesbian in circulation for half a season before sending her character to the Bermuda Triangle known as college."

"Silly boy," Imogen said. "Everyone knows the real Bermuda Triangle is in Africa. That's why Darcy never came back even though she wasn't supposed to be gone for more than a semester."

So then the teacher was like, "in light of Eli's recent mental breakdown, I was thinking we could put a lot of unnecessary pressure on him by making him solely responsible for writing the script for a semester long theatrical project. And then we could put the recovering alcoholic in charge of managing all you people."

Everyone cheered.

So then Clare was like, "hey Alli, you coming to the semester org fair?"

"Uh...Clare, why the hell would there be a semester org fair in MARCH? Orgs don't recruit new members for the last two months of school," Alli said.

"Yes they do," Clare said. "And Katie is the head of the newspaper so I have to please her."

"Katie?" Alli asked. "Is that a new student?"

"No," Clare said. "Holly J and Paige had a baby and they implanted it with a bit of Liberty's general unpleasantness and got Katie."

"Oh," Alli said. "That's pretty much the most logical explanation I've ever heard for that character."

So then Clare was like, "Katie, put me on the paper."

And Katie was like, "you have to write something by the end of the day."

"But I have class before the end of the day," Clare said. "Don't most high schools have tryouts where they give you at least overnight?"

"Yeah, but I'm a bitch," Katie said.

"Oh right, I forgot," Clare said, despite having just gone over this with Alli earlier.

So then Clare brought back an article to Katie by the end of the day. "This is the most abhorrent pile of excrement I have ever seen. Never show your face in my general direction again," Katie said.

"Well that was harsh," Clare said.

So then K.C. was like, "I'm getting a job."

And Jenna was like, "and leaving me ALL BY MYSELF with a BABY?"

"Jenna, what the hell did you think would happen when you became a teen mom?" K.C. asked.

"Uh...I thought I'd keep right on going to Degrassi and having fun all the time," Jenna said.

"Well that's stupid," K.C. said.

"Well you get to do it," Jenna said.

"I know but I'm an asshole," K.C. said.

So then K.C. went to work at the only restaurant in Degrassi Land, Little Miss Steaks.

And then Marisol was like, "oh K.C., you're so sexy. Make me a real character."

"Dude I'm not the blue fairy and you're not Pinocchio," K.C. said. "I can't make you real."

"No, but you can be a major asshole and dump your baby momma for me," Marisol said.

"Let's settle for seriously toeing the line flirtation for now," K.C. said.

"Deal," Marisol said.

So then Eli was like, "I have a BRILLIANT idea for a play," Eli said. "I was thinking of the most depressing thing ever written. It can be a display of the futility and meaninglessness of human existence."

"Well that's great and all but no one's going to come see that," Fiona said. "This is high school."

So then Imogen was like, "I think you need my help."

So then Eli popped an anti-anxiety pill. "Do you think these are destroying my creativity?"

"Probably," she said.

"DAMMT ALL TO HELL!" Eli screamed, ripping a computer off the table and throwing it across the room.

"Why does _every _guy at Degrassi seem to have a dangerously unstable personality complete with an Incredible Hulk like temper?" Imogen asked.

Before Eli could answer that question, a teacher started walking towards them. Out of love for Eli (who she met like five minutes ago) or desperation, Imogen threw herself onto the ground and gave herself a nosebleed.

"What happened?" Ms. Oh asked.

"This place is a DEATH TRAP I just tripped over a cord and nearly killed myself!" Imogen said. "You'd think after the tragic whatever the hell happened to Xanath, people would be more careful."

"Yeah well, it wouldn't be Degrassi if adults took the lives of students seriously," Ms. Oh said.

Meanwhile, Hannah and Wesley were in science class with Connor. "Wow, Hannah, I am _so _glad they didn't scrap your character for this season."

"Why would they scrap my character?" Hannah asked.

"It always happens to girls who date the nerdy guys. Like in season three, Toby had this anime freak girlfriend. She vanished, even though she was supposedly Spinner's sister. She's so disappeared, she didn't even go to his wedding. And then in season eight, Connor danced with this girl at this dance and she was never heard from again," Wesley said.

"Wow," Hannah glanced sympathetically at Connor. "That must've been rough...HEY are you staring at my breasts?"

"Yes," Connor said. "I lack the basic social awareness not to do that."

"Oh COME ON!" Hannah said. "This is a really problematic view of your condition. EVERYONE in high school learns about the sexual harassment policy. Whether you're completely aware of other people's emotions or not, you had to have learned that staring at breasts wasn't acceptable."

"You're right," Connor said. "I'm going to go steal some underwear now."

The cameraman quickly ran from the scene because Connor is only allowed to have really abhorrent plotlines that make the audience extremely uncomfortable and that's why he doesn't get very much screen time.

So then Anya was hanging out with Holly J and Fiona and was like, "I'm going to be eighteen tomorrow. I should call Dr. Not Gay."

"Okay here's a question for you," Holly J said. "Why is it that Dr. Not Gay has to wait until Anya's eighteen to be with her, on principle, yet Charlie the college girl doesn't give a fuck about Fiona being seventeen?"

Anya shrugged. "Oh because this is Degrassi, Holly J. Women only get in trouble for being creeposexuals if they're ugly."

"That can't be true," Holly J said. "Lots of characters of both sexes get away with all kinds of things."

Anya nodded. "But I'll bet if someone got a crush on Ms. Oh, all the other guys would be like 'oh YEAH get some,' whereas when Paige had a crush on Matt all her friends were like, 'eew pedo!'"

"But that's a double standard in real life too," Fiona said. "It's at least realistic."

Just then, Sav decided that Ms. Oh was the hottest thing ever to live and that even though he sort of had a crush on Keke Palmer, her chances of becoming a recurring character were really slim. So then this random slightly obese character showed up and was all, "Ms. Oh, Sav wants to tap that!"

Ms. Oh looked suspiciously at Sav. "That's interesting. You know, I always thought if someone paired me with a student it'd be someone like Drew or maybe Fiona. I never really thought it would be Sav."

"Yeah but you know how Degrassi works," Sav said. "No character can stay straight laced for more than a season."

So then Anya went and hung out with Dr. Not Gay.

"Listen, Anya," Dr. Not Gay said. "I can't be with you."

"You HAVE to be with me!" Anya shouted. "My ONLY other romantic option is Owen and his character sucks. Unless they completely revise him and scrap the thing where he tried to rape Alli and come up with some convenient plot device to explain his violent transphobia, that relationship is complete shit."

Dr. Not Gay sighed. "Look, I wish things could be different, but I have to go volunteer in Africa."

Anya's jaw dropped. "All this time, you've been cheating on me with Darcy."

"What?" Dr. Not Gay asked. "No! Why would you say that?"

"Because everyone knows that 'volunteering in Africa' is code for 'moving to The CW.' Are you going to play a vampire or something?" Anya asked.

"Listen, Anya. Don't think of this as a breakup," Dr. Not Gay said. "Think of this as a really shitty plot device."

"You're UNBELIEVABLE!" Anya shouted, storming out of the office.

Dr. Not Gay felt terrible about what he was doing, but he could stray from his true love no longer. The moment Anya left the room, he snuck back to the room where his most alluring patient had been since Vegas Night.

"Hello, Dr. Not Gay," Atlantaenea said.

"Call me whatever the hell my first name is," Dr. Not Gay said.

"Okay, Chris," Atlantaenea said feebly. "I think I'd like to return to Degrassi."

But Dr. Not Gay could not allow this. "Xanath," he pleaded. "You are the sunshine in my soul. The beauty in my heart. My raison, d'être!"

"Have you been talking to Eli?" Atlantaenea asked.

"Well that kind of line worked on...Imogen," Dr. Not Gay said.

So then Atlantaenea walked across the hall, an IV still in her arm. "Xanath, don't! You can't walk around like that," Dr. Not Gay said. "People will see that your IV is actually pumping the beautiful and pure crystalline healing rainbowness of spiritual unicorn tears into your pure as freshly fallen snow soul! If they find out..."

"I have to see her," Atlantaenea said. "My daughter."

She gazed wistfully through the glass wall at Holly J, who was very upset.

"Holly J, we have some bad news," Dr. Depressing said.

"How bad?" Holly J asked.

"I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you're dying of kidney failure," Dr. Depressing said.

"Not what I want to hear?" Holly J asked. "Okay, Connor stealing underwear is an example of something I don't want to hear. Me dying of kidney failure is an example of something COMPLETELY HORRIBLE that no one in their right mind would ever want to hear!"

"Yeah well whatever," Dr. Depressing said. "But we've tested everyone in your immediate family and no one has the right blood type to donate a kidney. We've already tested your parents, Heather, and Charlie the Unicorn."

"Wow, a Charlie the Unicorn joke is REALLY tasteless right now," Holly J said. "You should be ashamed of yourself."

But Atlantaenea knew in her heart of purest angelic hearts that the doctor was not just being a dick, for his statement was more than a sarcastic joke about how kidney transplants often make people think of Charlie the Unicorn Goes to Candy Mountain. He _knew _Holly J's true identity.

Atlantaenea's heart started racing faster. So fast that the spiritual energy of her tormented soul set Eli's anti-anxiety meds on fire.

"Why is there only ONE hospital in this entire city?" Eli shouted.

"Guess you'll be off your meds for a while," Imogen said.

"Cool," Eli said. "I should write a play about how much Clare sucks and make you the lead actress."

And then they kissed. Atlantaenea winced, anticipating the return of the ninjas, and was surprised to find that nothing happened.

"Eli," she said. "You can't do this! They'll find you!"

"Don't you understand?" Eli asked. "_Pretending _Imogen is Clare is the ONLY way I can have a healthy relationship without making ninjas go ape shit. So I'm going to write a play and cast her as Clare or I should say Clara to evade them."

As stupid as that sounded to Atlantaenea, she was truly a hopeless romantic at heart. "Best of luck, Eli," Atlantaenea said.

Meanwhile, at Clare's house, Clare was like, "I'M NOT DATING JAKE!"

Then five minutes later she was dating Jake.

WILL ATLANTAENEA BE ABLE TO DONATE HER KIDNEY TO HOLLY J?

HOW THE FUCK CAN ATLANTAENEA BE HOLLY J'S TRUE MOTHER?

IS THE WRITER OF THIS FIC SNORTING MORE CRACK THAN ANYA?

WHY THE HELL IS IT TAKING HER SO LONG TO UPDATE?

The answers to these and more questions will be revealed in the next chapter which will be uploaded at some point in the future.


	24. The Trying Hard to Keep Up Chapter

"I can't believe I'm the only Sinclair who has type A blood," Holly J said, slumping over one of the school's many desks that is only there to give the wild and mostly unsupervised teenagers on the show a place to sit while they discuss drama since classes are a rarity at Degrassi.

"Yeah, sounds almost medically impossible or something," Fiona said.

Holly J nodded, opening the family photo album (which families who are keeping secrets about your birth often give you easy access to [/sarcasm]), and flipping through page after page of photos. "Why are there no baby pictures of me?" Holly J asked.

"Maybe you're adopted," Fiona suggested.

"I can't be adopted," Holly J said. "If I'm really adopted, then who are my birth parents?"

Fiona considered this for a moment. "Well you see, I know that I'm really a Coyne because Degrassi is the first real show I've ever been on. But you used to be on Disney Channel. Your name was Sadie, remember?"

Holly J thought about this. "Yeah, but now you're talking more about reincarnation than birth parents."

"_Naturally Sadie _only ended a few years ago!" Fiona said. "You wouldn't have had time to reincarnate and become a teenager again that quickly."

"It wouldn't be the strangest thing that ever happened on Degrassi," Holly J said. "I am SO confused."

"So just ask your mom if you're adopted," Fiona said. "Unless she's working for the ninjas, she'll tell you."

"I guess," Holly J frowned.

So then, Holly J's mother came to pick her up from school which is super mega embarrassing when you're a senior. Luckily, Holly J completely dropped her old image-obsessed personality back in season eight or something. Oh except that she still acts like her old season seven self when it's an easy way to ruin Anya's good mood (see the Owenya episodes for details - not that I'm defending that pairing because no but anyway moving on).

"Mom, I'm worried that you've been lying to me," Holly J said.

"Why?" Mrs. Sinclair asked. "Everything about your life makes perfect sense."

"No, it really doesn't!" Holly J said. "Heather has been a relevant part of the show since people like _Paige _were still on it, yet somehow she has _never _been cast!"

"That's not true!" Mrs. Sinclair exclaimed. "When Paige was dating Matt, Heather was in her yoga class. You could see her hi-lights just long enough for Paige to insult them!"

"Yeah, but why does she never have a _face_?" Holly J asked.

Mrs. Sinclair sighed. "We wanted to wait to tell you. She's adopted. Her birth mother is Ms. Bellum from PowerPuff Girls. They both suffer from a rare condition where their faces cannot be seen on film."

"Okay, so she's adopted, then who are _my _real parents?" Holly J asked.

"Not a clue," Mrs. Sinclair said. "But we love you."

"So why did you wait until the LAST possible season to tell me I'm adopted?" Holly J asked.

"Dramatic tension," Mrs. Sinclair said.

Meanwhile, Fiona was at home, when Charlie walked through the door. "My roommate kicked me out. Oh whatever can I do?"

"Well you could move in with the girl you're _kind of _dating but are not nearly serious enough about to move in with yet," Fiona suggested.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," Charlie said. So then she moved in.

"Oh my gosh, Charlie," Fiona said. "I am so completely falling for you."

Charlie looked at her uncomfortably. "Based on _what_?"

"What do you mean?" Fiona asked.

"You fell in love with Holly J because she was the one person in the entire world who supported you through your abusive relationship. She made you feel cared about when even your own brother emotionally abandoned you. You had feelings for Adam because, despite the whole you being gay and him being a guy thing, he risked the girl he was crazy about hating him forever to make sure she was alright and lead her to the help she needed. What did I do? Look reasonably attractive modeling for your art class?"

Fiona sighed. "That and you're the ONLY other lesbian on this show who's a consistent character."

"Point," Charlie said. "And I don't even think they've built a set for my school so you're kind of all I have right now."

The two then enjoyed a passionate make out session.

So then, Holly J found her birth mother within ten minutes of web searching. Of course, Holly J also managed to retrieve Dawn's phone number for free. That's totally how looking for lost relatives works. "Hi, is Dawn available?" Holly J asked.

"Are you trying to sell me something?" Dawn asked.

"No, I was just wondering if you wanted to meet your long lost daughter who's dying of a terminal illness," Holly J said.

Dawn laughed into the phone. "What is this, a soap opera?"

"Degrassi is NOT a soap opera!" Holly J said.

"What do you say to meeting me at The Dot later?" Dawn asked. "I find Little Miss Steaks kind of tacky."

When it was later, Holly J went to The Dot. "Hi, Dawn," Holly J said.

"Holly J," Dawn said. "I'm so glad to meet you. I thought we'd never find each other."

"Did you even look?" Holly J asked. "Why is it that I worked for The Dot for at least a year and you _never _saw me and went 'hey, that girl behind the counter looks familiar?' Or why is it that when I was interviewed on TELEVISION about Mia's modeling career, you didn't wonder. I mean...if you wanted to see me again so badly, why didn't you go for an open adoption?"

"Because this is Degrassi," Dawn said. "Nothing can be simple.

Atlantaenea sighed desperately from behind the counter, where Fitz was also hiding. "Oh, if she EVER learns the truth of her true spiritual nature, Degrassi will never be the same."

"That sucks," Fitz said. "I found Jesus."

Meanwhile, Jenna was at home with the baby. "I want to go back to Degrassi," Jenna said.

"You can't do that," KC said. "You have a BABY."

"But _you _get to go to Degrassi," Jenna said. "No fair!"

KC's nostrils flared with rage. "I WORK _HARD_! Blah blah blah DRAMATIC ANGER!"

With that, KC slammed the door and stormed out on them. His mother showed up and was like, "oh Jenna, I'm so sorry my son's a tool. Probably my fault for doing so many drugs while I was pregnant with him."

"No shit, but I'm glad you're letting me live here so I'm withhold judgment," Jenna said.

"What do you say I watch Tyson in the morning so that you can go to school sometimes?" KC's mom whose name I can never remember asked.

"This makes _no _sense," Jenna said. "You're working part time, KC's working part time, and I'm not working AT ALL. How in the world are we affording this apartment much less this baby?"

"How's Holly J affording Yale?" KC's mother asked. "Little Miss Steaks must be paying bank."

"You can't explain something confusing by bringing up something even MORE confusing!" Jenna said.

"Sure you can," KC's mom said.

A couple days later, Jenna showed up at Degrassi and started leaking in class. "Oh my GOD HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"

"Dude," Alli said. "How did you not know that that could happen?"

Jenna ran out of the room crying. "I can't believe I thought I could just walk into school when I've missed almost a month of class and not have any trouble catching up."

Just then, Atlantaenea walked through the doors, completely healed from her horrible whatever it was that happened to her, and started doing so well in each and every one of them that she was instantly handed a scholarship to some school that's better than Yale just to make Holly J feel bad. But the fact that Holly J felt bad caused her to feel the spirits of her great spiritual unicorn fairy elf angel ancestors becoming angry enough to spiritually crumble a building to school. She had to run away as quickly as possible before that happened.

"WHY did she run away?" Drew asked. "I was falling in love with her!"

"Dude, you fall in love with everything you see," Adam said.

"Dude that's NOT TRUE and you KNOW IT!" Drew shouted. "I only fall in love with girls you like! That's why I lost interest in Jess."

Adam sighed. "Wow, that actually makes a particle of sense."

That was around the time Clare was sitting down for lunch at Degrassi, since Degrassi is made up of about 50 parallel universes making it possible for Clare to be eating lunch while other characters are at home hanging out while other characters are having trouble sleeping while other characters are flying to Mars.

"Clare," Imogen said. "I wanna become you only cuter."

"I know," Clare said.

"You...do?" Imogen asked.

Clare nodded. "You're essentially the canon version of an OC. You're just a random new character who solely exists to get with the guy that every girl on the planet wants."

"Oh no, Clare, I'm not a Mary Sue. They gave me glasses," Imogen said.

"Point," Clare said. "Okay, so what can I do?"

"You can lend me your clothes so I can seduce Eli," Imogen said. "Does that make you jealous."

"No, I will do absolutely anything to get rid of him AND the ninjas," Clare said.

_WILL IMOGEN DOING CLARE DRAG BE ENOUGH TO WIN ELI?_

_WILL (OR CAN) THIS KIDNEY SITUATION GET ANY MORE AWKWARD?_

_WILL FIONA AND CHARLIE LAST MORE THAN TEN MINUTES?_

_WHY THE FUCK WOULD A PROGRESSIVE SHOW GIVE THEIR MAIN LESBIAN LOVE INTEREST A MALE-SOUNDING ANDROGYNOUS NAME LEADING TO SOME UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS ABOUT LESBIAN GENDER ROLE STEREOTYPES?_

_WILL THIS PARODY KEEP ATLANTAENEA AS A CONSISTENT, LOGICAL CHARACTER FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES?_

_FIND OUT!_


	25. The Kidney Selling Chapter

Fiona and Charlie were enjoying a passionate moment. "Oh, Fiona," Charlie said. "I sometimes feel like the only reason I exist is to be your girlfriend. Like if the writers hadn't decided to make you a lesbian, I wouldn't even be on this show. You're my reason to be."

"Oh Charlie," Fiona said. "I feel the same way."

A few hours of sex later, Charlie was like, "given that you're seventeen and probably haven't developed any real taste for alcohol yet, I was thinking we could celebrate our budding romance with champagne."

The camera zoomed in on Fiona's horrified expression as the new _Whatever it Takes _remix started playing. If it turned out that they remixed it because of this fic's merciless slandering of last season's version, I would laugh my ass off but I'm probably not actually that influential. Anyway, moving on.

Fiona went to theater class, where she and Eli had suddenly become best friends. "Oh, Eli," Fiona sighed. "Charlie wants me to drink with her and I'm kind of an alcoholic so yeah."

"Look, Fiona," Eli said. "The world of Degrassi is a very forgiving one. If K.C.'s mother is allowed to help raise a baby when she's been sober off _COCAINE _for about a year, you should be allowed to have a girlfriend while you're recovering from alcoholism."

"Good point," Fiona said.

So then Fiona went home and was like, "Charlie, I can't drink alcohol. I'm an alcoholic."

"Okay, Fiona, this is SO ridiculous!" Charlie said. "When I decided to date a seventeen-year-old girl who's still in high school, I had no idea that she might not drink or want alcohol around. This comes as a complete shock to me."

Shortly after that, I burst through the window and was like, "wait a second here! Okay, my first girlfriend in college was twenty-two when we started dating and I was nineteen. We discussed the alcohol issue REALLY early on in the relationship, like before we even got together, because we knew she liked going to bars and that it might limit what I could go do with her. So you really mean to tell me that you, Charlie, did not even CONSIDER that you might have to keep alcohol time and underage girlfriend time separate and that you, Fiona, didn't think that an alcohol consideration might be important to bring up with a college girlfriend? Damn these plotlines are getting silly."

The two girls looked at each other and realized that _Fiona can't drink alcohol_ is kind of a depressing reason for a couple that otherwise has good chemistry to break up. Because this is my fic, they were required to come up with a better one.

"I don't know," Fiona said. "The stress of my best friend being wait-listed for a kidney kind of kills the mood for me. I almost feel like I should wait until I know if a girl I was in love with until the beginning of this season is going to _die_ or not before I put too much into a new relationship. For some reason, healing from an abusive relationship, watching my best friend teeter between life and death, and trying to direct a play that _Eli Goldsworthy _is the writer and star actor in while avoiding self-destructive impulses like drinking is actually kind of stressful for me. Let's postpone this relationship until later in the season when I can do something big and dramatic to try to get you back."

"Deal," Charlie said.

Meanwhile, back in Dialysis Land, Holly J looked very unhappy. "Dawn won't give me her kidney unless I pay her twenty thousand dollars. I don't _have _twenty thousand dollars."

"Oh, Holly J, if you need me to buy you a kidney why don't you just _say _so, silly?" Fiona asked.

Holly J looked incredulous. "You can't BUY someone a kidney!"

"You also can't sell a kidney," Fiona said. "It's super illegal."

"Well then why don't you buy something useless she has lying around for a completely unreasonable price so that legally it won't look like you're buying a kidney?" Holly J asked.

So then Fiona called Dawn and offered to buy her vintage prom dress for $20,000. "I can't believe Degrassi just presented viewers with a positive portrayal of ORGAN PURCHASING!" Fiona shouted. "What are we teaching our kids?"

Speaking of the values we're teaching our children, Drew started freaking out a whole bunch. "I CAN'T HANDLE ALL THE PRESSURE OF HAVING GANG MEMBERS AFTER ME!" he screamed.

"Didn't you get a restraining order or something?" KC asked.

"GAH THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THEM AND THEY ALL WANNA KILL ME. OH I'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET THEM TO STOP! ANYTHING! EXCEPT SELL DRUGS, JOIN A GANG, OR ANYTHING MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE," Drew said.

Just then, Bianca walked in. "Drew, I had sex with Vince so that you'd have a better chance of not being brutally murdered."

"You SLUT why would you do that?" Drew asked.

"Because I don't want you to get brutally murdered," Bianca said. "This whole situation is _so _fucked up. I basically didn't have a choice about whether or not to sleep with him because he was threatening both our lives. And if someone has sex with someone else under the threat of murder it's not exactly the same thing as someone cheating on their boyfriend because they feel like it."

"I don't care, I'm breaking up with you!" Drew said.

So then Adam was like, "Katie, you're a new character. Whenever there's a character with a unique dating situation, Degrassi always adds a new character to date them eventually. It works that way for the gay characters, anyway. So I'm hoping it'll also work that way for me. Any chance you're the new character who will win my heart?"

"Uh...no," Katie said. "Sorry. Leading you on and then hooking up with Drew is in this season."

"Oh thank GOD!" Drew said, throwing his arms around Katie. "I really need someone to take care of me since I am such a mess."

"This is so UNREASONABLE!" Bianca shouted. "Who's going to take care of me while I'm forced to sell drugs and my body for _both _our survival and keep getting hit any time I won't do everything Vince says?"

"I'll take care of you," Imogen said. "We'd make a good femslash couple."

"Okay," Bianca sighed. "You want my lingerie?"

"Why?" Imogen asked.

"Well because," Bianca said. "Whenever Degrassi wants to give the lesbian fans something to get falsely hopeful about, they always have one of them give the other one lingerie. It's a tradition Folly J started."

Imogen smiled and accepted the creepy lingerie that a gang member bought for Bianca that surely the gang member won't notice is missing or ask about at all.

So then Jenna was trying to raise Tyson by herself. "Oh this sucks."

"WE CAN'T GIVE UP THE BABY!" K.C. shouted. "I'M SUCH A GOOD DAD TO OUR LITTLE TYLER."

"His name's Tyson," Jenna said.

"Well who named him _that_?" K.C. asked. "That sounds like a last name."

A family showed up hoping to adopt him. "Hi," the mother said pleasantly. "We are the most pleasant family on the planet. We will love and support your child better than you can."

"Sounds great," Jenna said.

"No it doesn't, they sound AWFUL!" K.C. shouted. "Don't let them take Taiwan."

"It's _Tyson_," Jenna said.

"Oh yeah, well if you give Tiger up to those people we're THROUGH!" K.C. shouted.

"It's TY..." Jenna sighed. "Never mind. I don't _care_!"

So then the family adopted Tyson. "I was kidding about throwing you out of the house, into the street. Let's stay together," K.C. said.

"No way," Jenna said. "I'll go back and live with my brother."

"Jenna, you can't," K.C.'s mom said. "As soon as your brother found out that you were going to live with a recovering cocaine addict and the guy who dumped you the minute he found out you were pregnant, he figured your life was stable enough that he could just move to another city and never come back without any negative consequences."

"What is _with _people on this show?" Jenna shouted.

So then Jenna ended up on Alli's doorstep. "What do you want from us?" Mr. Bhandari asked.

"I'm desperate," Jenna said. "My baby daddy threw me out."

"Oh, well then come on in," Mr. Bhandari said. "Why don't you stay forever?"

"We cannot let her do this," Mrs. Bhandari said. "What happened to us being strict parents?"

"Think about it this way," Mr. Bhandari said. "Our Sav's going to be in college. If anything ever happens to our Alli, like she finds a movie to be in, Jenna will still live here. That will give us an excuse to stay on the show."

Mrs. Bhandari wasn't convinced. "It's not realistic."

"We _love _unwed mothers who got pregnant at sixteen," Mr. Bhandari said.

Sav started banging his head against the wall. "So when _I _want to date Anya MacPherson, the most straight-laced girl ON Degrassi at the time, you two threw a fit. But when Alli wants to date a guy AND bring a girl who got pregnant off a guy she stole from _Clare_, Alli's best friend, that's all FINE and dandy."

"Yes," Mr. Bhandari said.

"YOU PEOPLE SUCK!" Sav shouted. "I'm going to go seduce my teacher now!"

So then, Sav ran off to school to do just that. "Hey, Ms. Oh," Sav said as he walked through the door. "Who's that unattractive guy standing next to you?"

"I'm the new obese character," Mo said. "Nice to meet you. I'm incredibly socially awkward, but soon I'm going to show the teenagers of the world that it's okay to love the body you're in."

"Dude, Terri did that a long time ago," Sav said. "Only Terri was actually attractive, thus setting a positive example of how having curves doesn't make you a loser. But you're just weird and kind of annoying. If your character actually starts growing on people, I will seriously go gay for Peter."

"According to the world of fanfiction, you already have," Mo said.

"Dammit!" Sav shouted.

So then Ms. Oh was like, "Oh Sav, I'm falling madly in love with you."

Sav blinked a couple times. "_Why_?"

"Well...because I'm a younger adult character and there aren't any single men my age on the entire show," Ms. Oh said.

"Wow, that makes a lot of sense," Sav said. "And since there aren't any straight grade twelve girls I haven't already dated except Chantay who is basically famous for being walking scenery, I need you too."

The two exchanged a passionate kiss. "We can't be together!" Ms. Oh said.

So then Mr. Simpson was like, "Ms. Oh. Come the FUCK ON. I was accused of being into Darcy a few years ago and it threw my reputation down the drain for like half a season. Why are you putting yourself through that?"

"Because Degrassi is incapable of hiring teachers under the age of thirty who don't sleep with students," Ms. Oh said.

"Oh yeah," Mr. Simpson said. "Wait a second, what happened to Marco? Didn't he used to teach here?"

Just then, the memory-deleting ninjas flew in to make sure that the audience forgot about that dropped plotline.

So then Ms. Oh was like, "well Sav, if you want to have an inappropriate hookup, call me when you graduate."

"Dammit," Sav said. "That's not fair because by then I'll no longer be on the show."

"Get a job at The Dot or something then," Ms. Oh suggested. "You know that place only hires Degrassi students so you'll have a good shot."

It sounded like a plan to the eager young lad.

"I gotta go," Sav told Ms. Oh. "This fic forgot to cover that radio show plotline."

Sav ran as fast as he could to the radio show room, but Adam and Dave were both in the bathroom.

Adam had just purchased a stand-and-pee device from one of those online FTM stores. For some inexplicable reason, he decided that he should try it out for the first time in a public urinal. Given that he had never used the thing before, he dropped it on the floor and it spilled all over Dave.

"Dammit! This is the SECOND time I have gotten pee all over me on this show!" Dave shouted.

"_Really_?" Adam asked. "When was the first time?"

"Uh...some really stupid plotline with this guy Bruce the Moose who most people have forgotten about," Dave informed Adam. "I'm so pissed off, I think I'll go call you a tranny now."

So then Dave did that. "Not cool," the entire school said.

"But he got pee on me," Dave whined.

"But I'm _sorry _I got pee on you," Adam said.

"I don't care, you're a tranny," Dave said.

So then Zane showed up. "Not cool. The LGBT club is boycotting you, Dave."

"Wait, there's an LGBT club?" Adam asked. "Why aren't I in it?"

"Because the only members are that girl Fiona danced with in season ten who was never mentioned again, that girl who told on Riley for being a homophobic dick in season nine, and me," Zane said.

"That still doesn't explain why Fiona, Riley, and I aren't in it," Adam said.

"Oh well...Fiona's not in it because zippidee doo dah, Riley's not in it because he's busy pretending to date some nice Greek girl, and you're not in it because zippedie aye."

"Oh that explains it," Adam said lamely.

So then Dave was like, "I'm super sorry I called you a tranny."

The two boys made up and agreed to do the radio show together because that would totally happen in real life.

So then Katie was like, "Drew, I really like you. Let's go out."

"NO, I'M TRAUMATIZED!" Drew screamed.

"So come do some martial arts with me," Katie said. "I go to a really laid-back school where green belts and white belts are in the same class. Then you won't be traumatized anymore."

"It's really that easy?" Drew asked incredulously.

"Uh huh," Katie said.

A few minutes later, Drew underwent a miraculous recovery. "That was AWESOME!" Drew shouted. "Let's date."

So then they started dating and Marisol was like, "Katie, you can't date Drew! I went on a date with Drew at some point and I still love him."

So then Katie got on Adam and Drew's radio show. "We're asking everyone at Degrassi if ANYONE remembers that Marisol went on a date with Drew once," Adam said. "Show of hands, who remembers?"

No one raised their hand. "She was the boring girl he tried to use to get over Alli," Katie reminded everyone.

"How the hell did she make it into the principle cast?" Adam asked. "You've been on the show for half a season and you're already more relevant than she is even though she was a part of season ten and has had more plotlines centered on her."

"Don't flatter me," Katie said.

So then Katie and Marisol returned to their conversation. "But I LIKE Drew and since K.C. started flaring his nostrils at me for ruining his family, there has been a giant void in my soul," Marisol protested.

"That's not my problem," Katie said.

So then Marisol told everyone Katie had bulimia.

Then Drew showed up and was like, "bulimia I can handle. But Marisol is too much."

"Wow, why?" Katie asked.

"Look, I just can't let my girlfriend hang out with horrible people who treat everyone like shit," Drew said.

"So what about how Bianca was hanging out with the guys who jumped your brother?" Katie asked. "Wasn't that a bit more serious than my friendship with Marisol?"

"Ignoring that pretty clear demonstration of my hypocrisy for a moment," Drew said, "I think you need to realize that Marisol is clearly some kind of horrible combination of Leia, Holly J, and Jenna with a tiny dash of OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK courtesy of Alli. It's like she's got all the irrelevance of Leia with all the bitchiness of early Holly J with all the destructive flirtatious bullshit of early Jenna and all the OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK of Alli. You have to stay away from that girl!"

"You're overreacting, Drew," Katie said. But deep down, she feared that anyone who can seriously recover from PTSD in one tai kwon do episode must be too superhuman to challenge.


	26. The Pre Prom Drama Chapter

Fiona, Holly J, and Anya walked into an empty classroom. It truly is amazing how many conveniently empty classrooms there are at Degrassi for students to just waltz into for their serious discussions, dramatic "we maybe need to break up" speeches that were usually followed by heavy make out sessions, and other ridiculous things. At my high school, even during passing periods, most classrooms had teachers in them. If they didn't, the lights were off and they were locked so students didn't steal anything. My school was _that _super serious about security, and we didn't even have a knife at our winter dance.

"I feel really bad that Dr. Chris left you to run off to Africa and then you didn't get into college," Fiona told Anya. "This almost seems like a great opportunity for the script writers to have you do something really outrageously self-destructive so that they can teach impressionable teen viewers about how you shouldn't self-destruct to deal with stress."

Anya considered this point very carefully. "Yeah, but what destructive thing can I do? I mean, you're already an alcoholic so that's taken."

"True," Fiona said. "There's always self-injury. No one's been a cutter since Ellie."

"Yeah but Adam was burning himself for a while," Anya reminded Fiona. "There can't be two people with the same self-destructive habit in the same couple of seasons."

"Okay, weed," Fiona suggested.

"Paige smoked weed at a college fair," Holly J said. "If Anya does it too, that's going to seem like they're just recycling the same old plotlines over and over again. It's stupid."

Fiona nodded. "Of course. Well there's always overeating."

"Katie has an eating disorder," Anya reminded Fiona. "Marisol told the whole school, remember?"

"Right," Holly J frowned. "Crystal meth?"

"Peter did it," Fiona said. "My cousin who no one remembers sold it to him."

Then, Anya thought of it. "Cocaine!"

"Didn't Craig do that?" Holly J asked.

"Ah, what the hell," Anya said. "Well, guess I'm off to do some cocaine now."

"Wait wait wait wait!" Fiona said. "Before you do something self-destructive, we _have _to try to show you that we care and that it can get better. That way, the Teen Nick blog can make a huge deal about how if you had only listened to your dear old friends, you wouldn't have had to snort coke."

"It's almost like you've memorized the Degrassi plot formula or something," Anya said.

Fiona got serious. "I think almost every serious character on this show can relate to falling in love with someone only to find them completely written off the show."

Holly J nodded sadly. "Both my ex-boyfriends before Sav disappeared. Declan sort of makes sense because he moved back to New York, but Blue seriously just dropped off the face of the planet."

"That's not the same," Anya pouted. "At least you broke up with your boyfriends on your own terms. Dr. Chris just left me."

"That's how it was with Charlie," Fiona said. "You're in good company."

"Charlie's not being written off the show, though," Anya said. "You run into her right before prom. Don't you watch the promos?"

Fiona turned on her iPad, because iPads are something that every single high school student ever has. For most of my time in high school, I didn't even have a lap top. I shared a desktop computer with my mother and had to delete my browsing history like a normal American teen. Anyway, Fiona turned on the promo and was intrigued to learn that Charlie will be on the show once more. "Why is she being so nice to me in this promo? Shouldn't running into her after that awkward breakup be super awkward or something?"

Anya shrugged. "Shouldn't Manny falling in love with the guy who gave her best friend gonorrhea be super awkward or something?"

"Point," Fiona said. "Anyway, Holly J and I were thinking of throwing you a party to celebrate how miserable you are."

"What Fiona means is, we're throwing a party to cheer you up," Holly J said.

"Should you really be planning a party?" Anya asked. "Both your kidneys are failing and you're wait-listed. Shouldn't you be busy, I don't know, barely hanging on to life?"

Holly J shrugged. "I can stop dying when my character is needed."

So Holly J and Fiona got to work, busily preparing for Anya's party. "Make sure to invite Owen," Fiona told Holly J, who was readying the guest list. "I hear the sight of him makes Anya physically ill, so I'm sure his presence will be very welcome at her consolation party."

"Okay," Holly J said. "Already invited."

So then the party started and Anya was all pouty-like and miserable. Owen was like, "hey."

"Go away, creepy guy," Anya said.

"Look," Owen said, "you don't know anything about me. You can't call me creepy."

"I know that you beat up a transgender student, you bullied Zane, you tried to pay Alli for oral sex, and you groped me non-consensually last season," Anya said. "That's enough."

"You forgot that after Alli refused to let me pay her for oral sex I technically tried to rape her," Owen said.

"Right," Anya said.

"But those things were MISUNDERSTANDINGS!" Owen said. "I can change, I can change."

"But what if you remain a sandy little butthole?" Anya asked.

"Are we gonna quote South Park, or are we going to have a kind of gross hookup that makes at least half of Degrassi's viewers extremely uncomfortable?" Owen asked.

"I guess since you're here and all, we might as well hook up," Anya said.

"I can't believe we're having sex," Owen said, as they started having sex. "I mean, with Sav you waited like two or three years for the right time and made him write a bazillion shitty love songs to prove his undying devotion. Now you're having sex with a greasy new character you don't even like."

Anya frowned. "Do we have to discuss plot inconsistencies while we're screwing?"

"Yes," Owen said.

"Dammit," Anya said. "Well okay, for your information, completely inconsistent sexual standards are commonplace on Degrassi. Take Emma for example."

"Okay fine," Owen said.

While the two mismatched lovers continued to banter, Connor tiptoed into the room and stole a pair of Fiona's underwear.

"How the hell was that necessary?" Anya asked.

"Well, thinking I'm hot is kind of an unpopular opinion," Owen said. "The writers figured that some girls would probably find me really attractive and get made fun of for it. So they figured that if they juxtaposed the idea of me being sexual with the idea of Connor stealing a lesbian's underpants, the girls who were into me would be acting just as repulsed as their Sanya shipping friends. It helps girls who like me keep it a secret."

"Wow, that's really pathetic," Anya said.

So then the next day, Owen was like, "HEY WORLD, I FUCKED ANYA!"

"That's also really pathetic," Anya said.

"You don't know ANYTHING about me," Owen said. "How do YOU know that me fucking you at a random party and then blurting it out to the whole school is pathetic?"

Anya realized that that was perfectly sound logic and they started making out.

"Anya, two episodes ago you hated this guy," Fiona said.

"Oh my god, you're so controlling!"

"Well I just think he's a disgusting slob," Holly J said. "Normally when you date someone, I get jealous, but this time I'm just horrified."

So then Owen and Anya went out to a joint (no pun intended) called Little Miss Cocaine. "Wait, that doesn't work," Anya said. "Because Little Miss Steaks sounds like little mistakes so it's a play on words. But Little Miss Cocaine just sounds trashy."

"Are you calling this place trashy?" Owen asked. "You've never been there! You're so judgmental. Oh, who told you Little Miss Cocaine was trashy? Holly J? All Holly J does is control you!"

"God you're so controlling, Owen," Anya said. "I dated you because I thought you were a loser and now you're acting all smart or something."

"Oh yeah? Well I dated you because I'm trying to stop being a loser and ugh!" Owen sneered.

"Screw you," Anya said. She ran off to find a blonde version of Bianca who was snorting cocaine. The blonde version of Bianca gave Anya some free drugs, and Anya got all super drugged up.

"Why does the music always get so fun when I do drugs?" Anya giggled.

"You're on DRUGS?" Owen asked. "I can't believe you! That's irresponsible!"

"You commit hate crimes against LGBT people," Anya said. "Your face is irresponsible."

So then Anya went home. "Oh, Anya, don't feel bad that you only applied to one school and didn't get in. Perhaps going to university just isn't your thing," her mother said.

"Don't most parents get really mad when their kid doesn't get into college?" Anya asked.

"Meh," her mother said. "Paige didn't do college, but she still got to do whatever the hell she was doing at that fashion job she hates."

"Thanks, mom," Anya said. "Really encouraging."

Meanwhile, Drew was all, "OH NOES, VINCE IS GONNA KILL ME!"

Bianca was like, "oh for the love of fuck."

So Bianca went downtown and Vince was like, "hey, B. What do you say you and I has ourselves a _really _sexist and unhealthy relationship, know what I'm saying?"

"Why would I want a really sexist and unhealthy relationship?" Bianca asked.

"So I won't kill no one to death," Vince said.

"Okay, good point," Bianca sighed.

Props to Degrassi for demonstrating the fact that it's hard to get out of a gang situation and that it's not always as simple as "go to the police and everything gets fixed."

So then Eli was like, "OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A STEREOTYPICAL REPRESENTATION OF BIPOLAR DISORDER RIGHT NOW! THE PLAY HAS TO CHANGE!"

Fiona was like, "Eli, this is ridiculous. Why is it that every bipolar character on Degrassi flies into some kind of completely violent rage when they're off their meds? Doesn't that undermine the fact that plenty of bipolar individuals live fairly stable and normal lives?"

"SHUT UP, I'M OVERCOMING SHIT!" Eli screamed, ripping everyone's copy of the script apart and starting over.

"You're not overcoming shit, you're having a breakdown!" Fiona said.

"FUCK YOU, THIS IS DEGRASSI. I HAVE TO BREAK SOMETHING AND DO A BUNCH OF SHIT THAT NO ONE IN REAL LIFE WOULD ACTUALLY FORGIVE ONLY TO TURN AROUND AND BECOME 100% NORMAL AFTER ONE THERAPY SESSION TO TEACH TEENAGERS ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING TO YOUR ELDERS OR SOMETHING!" Eli shouted. "Okay I made a bazillion changes and now I'm going to really conspicuously make Jake play Clara's evil boyfriend, Jack."

And Jake was like, "that's not..._based _on anyone, is it?"

"Nope," Eli said.

"I totally believe you," Jake said. "This is gonna be awesome. I can't wait to play Clara's horrible boyfriend."

So then Clare stormed into the room. "I can't BELIEVE you, Jake! This script is about _me_ and how Eli hates me for breaking up with him, and you're just playing along! It's almost like you weren't even on the show during season ten and have absolutely no idea how my relationship with Eli unfolded and therefore have absolutely no idea that Vegas Night was the turning point in our relationship and this play is entirely based on that."

Jake was taken aback. "Shit, really? That's awful. I had no idea. Why didn't you just tell me all that."

"Because I'm DRAMATIC!" Clare said. With that, she stormed off.

So then Imogen was like, "Eli, we have to be together. I was cast for you."

"Well I was cast for Clare," Eli said. "I'm sure next season there'll be some brooding new lunatic guy who will marry you in some horrible Degrassi movie in a couple of years."

"That's not very reassuring!" Imogen said. "Want me to role play as Clare?"

"Sure," Eli said.

And then they made out for two hours. Later, Eli was all, "I HATE YOU!"

So then Imogen dropped out of the play and Fiona was like, "what the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Uh...play Clara?" Eli asked.

"Don't you think people ship us enough as it is?" Fiona asked. "I hate this. It's like Farlie is everyone's least favorite pairing ever. Why can't _anyone _pair me with the girl Degrassi actually cast for me?"

"Because she was cast for no purpose other than being your girlfriend," Eli said.

"So? People like Cake and that's how they started," Fiona said.

"Oh well, just play Clara," Eli said.

So she did and then at the end of the play, Eli was like, "I TRIED to write a happy ending, but there ARE no happy endings on Degrassi. People get fired. Relationships get torn apart by BAD CASTING DECISIONS. One minute, you could be holding your beloved in your arms, the next moment she's whisked away to the CW. What's the point in hoping for love when all they have to do is put her on a different TV show or hire a new actor to play her boyfriend and EVERYTHING FALLS APART?"

The audience cheered, moved by how fucked up (but true) that monologue was. So then, Bullfrog was like, "Eli you're not on your meds. You need to go get magically transformed into a healthy individual n'stuff."

Eli sighed. "O-kay."

So then Drew was like, "so Katie. What do you say you and I and NOT Marisol go to prom together."

"Sure," Katie said.

"Okay. It'll be nice to have some one on one time without Marisol," Drew said. "Oh by the way, don't bring Marisol."

So then Katie and Marisol went to The Dot. "So what are you going to do when he takes off his clothes and chases you around the house with his thingie?" Marisol asked.

"Uhm...WHAT?" Katie asked.

"You know all guys want sex after prom," Marisol said.

"Uh no they don't," Katie said.

"I know, but you see I'm here to deliver a common misconception that a lot of girls have," Marisol said. "Once you prove it wrong, girls at home will be super relieved to learn that it's normal to want sex and it's normal not to want sex and they'll be proud of who they are."

"Oh, okay," Katie said.

So then Katie went to Drew's house and she was acting super awkward. Despite the fact that PTSD often makes you hypersensitive to every fluctuation in people's moods and your surroundings, Drew didn't notice a thing. A few minutes later, Marisol showed up and was like, "hi, I locked myself out of my house and I figured I'd come here."

"Okay that makes NO sense. Go home," Drew said.

So then Katie was like, "don't boink me!"

And Drew was like, "boinking is a very primitive word for sexual intimacy, Katie."

"Regardless," Katie said.

"Oh I wasn't gonna...I just invited you here to meet my mom and only used really vague language so I could make everything super awkward for you," Drew said.

"Oh, what a relief," Katie said.

Meanwhile, Owen was like, "Anya OH MY GOD I don't want to date a cokehead."

And Anya was like, "OH MY GOD YOU DON'T CONTROL ME."

So then she walked into the bathroom where they were playing a commercial for the army. "Who turned the TV on in the bathroom?" Bianca asked.

"I wish I could do that," Anya said. "HEY YEAH! I'm gonna join the army! I'm done with coke."

So then she went to the recruitment agency and they were like, "uh...you're seriously stoned."

And Anya was like, "is that bad?"

And the army was like, "yeah."

So then Anya went home and her mom was like, "stop doing coke and then go try again."

An episode later, Anya was fine.

So then the newly not-coke-addicted Anya, Fiona, and Holly J were walking down the street. "I can't believe how able to walk around you are with two failing kidneys," Fiona said to Holly J.

"Thanks, you're so sweet," Holly J said.

Because Toronto is an absolutely miniscule city where it is very easy to run into people, Charlie showed up. "Hey, Fiona!" she said, throwing her arms around her ex-girlfriend. "Come to my art show. It won't be weird."

So then Holly J was like, "Fiona. It. Will. Be. Weird."

"No it won't," Fiona said. "I'll see her, make my peace, then you and Anya and I will go to prom together and have a blast."

So then Holly J was like, "oops, Sav asked me."

And Anya was like, "oops, Riley asked me."

"Riley?" Fiona asked. "What the hell? You know he's only inviting you as his beard."

"Yeah well I have some plot to get him and Zane back together," Anya said.

"Fair enough," Fiona said. "So who's going to get me and Charlie back together. I've been WAY less of an asshole to Charlie than Riley's been to Zane, yet somehow Zane keeps taking Riley's ass back."

Holly J sighed. "Yeah, that is pretty unfair. Just promise me you won't go to her art show."

"Whatever," Fiona said.

So then Fiona went to hang out with Charlie. "Hey," Fiona said.

"Hi," Charlie said. "How are you?"

"Good, except for my best friend dying of kidney failure," Fiona smiled. "How about you?"

"GREAT except for me having to leave my cat in a carrier in a freaking art studio day in and day out," Charlie said.

"Aw, well why don't you let Mr. Tuxedopants come live with me?" Fiona asked.

"Really? That's so nice of you. Come to my art show that will be overflowing with alcohol tomorrow night," Charlie said.

"I'll be there," Fiona said. "Wanna go to prom?"

"Sure," Charlie said.

So then Fiona went to Charlie's art show, where Charlie had a giant painting of her in the gallery. "Holy shit that's beautiful," Fiona said.

"Well it's easy when the subject is as beautiful as you," Charlie said.

"Are you flirting with me?" Fiona asked.

"No, I have a new girlfriend actually," Charlie said. "Random Blonde Extra, this is Fiona. Fiona, this is Random Blonde Extra."

Just then, I walked into the gallery. "Okay, how the hell did you do that, Charlie? Because whatever you're doing, I need to learn it."

"What are you talking about?" Charlie asked.

"The lesbian dating pool is _tiny_. I don't care if you're in college. It is hard to find a girlfriend. Really hard. Most of the girls who were out at my school were those idk types who think they might be kinda sorta bi-ish-like (not to be confused with bi) and are semi-almost-willing to kiss a girl while intoxicated but would never actually date one. There was like ONE other actual lesbian in my entire grade and she and I weren't into each other at all. So how in the hell did you find a new girlfriend who is also basically your manager in like...two weeks?"

Charlie shrugged. "Well, the writers figured it would drive Fiona to a nervous breakdown, so they delivered me a girlfriend. But don't be too jealous. She's an extra, so it's not like I get to kiss her or anything."

While I was arguing with Charlie, Fiona stole some alcohol and ran.

She went home and Holly J called eighty bazillion times but she ignored the calls because she was drinking. Then she was like, "I don't deserve you, Mr. Tuxedopants. I'm worthless. Go free."

So Mr. Tuxedopants was like, "_you're _worthless? You're not the one whose name is Mr. Tuxedopants. You think people don't make fun of me for that?"

Fiona wasn't sure if the cat was actually talking, or if she was just drunk.

So then Fiona went to graduation and apologized to Holly J for not taking her call. "I found out that Dawn can give me her kidney," Holly J said.

"You were bound to get a kidney sooner or later," Fiona shrugged.

"Fiona, I could have DIED," Holly J said. "I could still die. Jesus Christ."

"Yeah well. You'll get your kidney, then you'll go to Yale and marry Declan," Fiona pouted.

"Only in fan fiction," Holly J said. "Look, you're being really unfair to me."

"My heart is BROKEN!" Fiona said.

"Wow, do NOT talk to me about how your ORGANS are functioning. Low blow," Holly J said. "I'm missing prom to get a kidney transplant and all you can think about is yourself?"

"You were just going to bring me to prom as a third wheel or a fourth wheel or a fifth wheel anyway," Fiona pouted.

Just then, Chantay Black arrived on the scene. "You think YOU'RE a third/fourth/fifth wheel? Okay, why the hell didn't you just ask me to prom? I woulda killed for a plotline. You're always on about how no one thinks of you first, but who on this show makes ME a priority? I've been on this show for FIVE years and no one even gives a fuck where I'm going to college or what I'm gonna do after I graduate. No one's writing fan fiction about me getting reunited with Danny. No one GIVES A SHIT about me. So just SHUT UP okay?"

"I think I actually like this version of me getting told off better than the one where Charlie yells at me about how I push people away," Fiona said. "Especially since technically Charlie pushed ME away to begin with. I'd better start apologizing my ass off."

So then Anya, Holly J, and Chantay went to the hospital where Holly J was. "Let's have a pre-prom so that you won't feel left out!"

"Guys, I'm dying. I don't want to get up," Holly J said.

"Sure you do," they all said. "Put on a prom dress."

So Holly J put on a prom dress and they took a limo to...Degrassi...k...sure...and then made hand prints in the sidewalk. "Why didn't we just go to a restaurant or something?" Fiona asked.

"Meh," Holly J said.

So then Fiona was like, "Charlie, I lost Mr. Tuxedopants."

Charlie was like, "you did WHAT NOW?"

"Yeah sorry," Fiona said.

Just then, in a beam of cascading and brilliant light, Atlantaenea appeared in the horizon. "I found your Mr. Tuxedopants hit by a car. I gave my life to save his. And now I am fading into nothingness."

"Oh for the love of God, how many times is that girl going to die?" Charlie asked.

"She's a Mary Sue," Fiona reminded Charlie.

"Oh, right," Charlie said.

Before Atlantaenea completely faded into oblivion, Vince stormed into the room. "Alright, ninjas. GET HER!"

A team of ninjas flew from behind Vince and grabbed Atlantaenea's dying body. "You can't do that!" Bianca shouted. "She's the pure and beautiful angelic/unicorn/fairy/whatever the fuck! She runs on the miraculous power of pure random baloney, and for that reason she is the spirit of Degrassi. She is what keeps our school and show alive. If we kill her, this show will be no more."

"Yeah, B, that's real poetic and shit but I don't really care," Vince said.

With that, the ninjas whisked Atlantaenea away. "But you don't understand!" Bianca shouted. "Xanath needs to be resurrected by the power of sappy relationships and melodramatic breakups! Without Degrassi drama, she will die!"

"Yeah well we gots to do somethings to keep people interested in this parody n'shit," Vince said.

Bianca cried, but her tears were not enough to give Atlantanea the Degrassi drama she so desperately needed. Panicked, Bianca ran back to the school for help and ended up at freshman orientation where Drew, Adam, and Katie were volunteering.

"Drew, I have something serious to tell you," Bianca said.

"Go away, everything bad is your fault," Drew said.

"Wait," Bianca said. "I'm in a really seriously abusive relationship with Vince that I can't get out of because if I do he'll kill me. But that's not the worst part. He's got Xanath."

"Xanath is _alive_?" Drew asked incredulously.

"Who's Xanath?" Katie asked.

"Only the most beautiful angelic spiritually bliffidydoo woman ever to walk the halls of Degrassi," Drew said.

"I'm jealous," Katie pouted.

"Don't be," Bianca said. "As soon as you meet her, you'll randomly turn lesbian for her."

"Come to prom," Drew said. "That way you'll be away from Vince for a few hours."

Bianca agreed, and then Drew stole her phone and texted Vince asking him to hang out. So then Drew went to the hangout place and was like, "hey...what do you say you don't kill anyone, including Atlantaenea?"

"I say you're a big dingbat moron head," Vince said.

"That's good enough for me," Drew said. Then he picked up his phone. "Hey, Bianca. How are you calling me if you don't have a phone? Oh well. See ya at prom."

And then, despite hating Bianca's guts, Vince got super jealous. Dun. Dun. DUN.

WILL ATLANTAENEA SURVIVE?

WILL SOMEONE GET SHOT?

WILL PROM BE REALLY STUPID?

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF DEGRASSI: THE BORING POINT.


	27. The Vince Chapter

So someone pointed out to me that I forgot Dave and Alli's plotline and I was like, "oh yes, that completely unpredictable, totally unique, insanely exciting sequence. How could I forget?"

Dave and Sadie were at movie night, where Drew was freaking out and Clare was also freaking out and Alli was bored because she didn't have a guy her parents would hate to flirt with. Just then, Dave was like, "yo, s'up Alli!"

KC gave him a knowing look. "Dave, I'm here to talk to you about sexual morality."

"Are you _serious_?" Dave asked. "We were just talking."

"Yeah, so were Drew and Bianca. So were Marisol and me, but that doesn't change ANYTHING."

Dave raised an eyebrow. "Is this guy seriously lecturing me about how I shouldn't cheat on my girlfriend? I mean, fuck, I'm not the guy who gets videos made of me set to 'Jar of Hearts' on YouTube about what a big man whore I am."

"Actually there are a couple of guys like that," KC said. "I'm not the only one. Declan's a way bigger..."

"Not fair, dude," Drew said, out of nowhere. "Declan's off the show. No use comparing yourself to someone who isn't here anymore."

So then jumped through the screen and was like, "DECLAN IS SO ON THE SHOW! They're totally following Holly J and Declan to Yale where it will be revealed that they're still in love and Santa is real!"

"Speaking of people who are no longer on the show, dude," Dave said to Drew. "What's with Jess?"

Drew shrugged. "This parody is grotesquely out of order right now, and so technically she and I had a date in this episode, but since this fic forgot this plotline altogether, she doesn't exist."

"But can you at least PRETEND to have a reason to have blown her off for Katie?" Dave asked. "For continuity's sake?"

"Okay, fine," Drew said. "I didn't like her ugly, fake looking blue contacts."

"That makes a lot of sense, man," KC said.

So then Alli was like, "hey Dave."

And Dave was like, "I love you."

And Sadie was like, "I can't BELIEVE YOU, DAVE!"

"What?" Dave asked. "It's not like I cheated."

"You want her and not me! This is so unfair! We had such a meaningful relationship. Does our half a season together where I stood next to you and made you look like a shrimp mean NOTHING to you?" Sadie asked.

"No, Sadie," Dave said. "I'm afraid it doesn't."

Sadie threw popcorn at him and called him a jerk but nobody cared because in all likelihood she'll end up with that Liam guy who failed with both Clare _and _Hannah.

"You'd really give me a chance?" Dave asked.

"Well, you know," Alli said. "It's like...I already dated two colossal dicks and got two-timed by a mysterious bad boy. Logically, it's time for me to date that good old best friend of mine who I've been blowing off for ages."

For some reason, despite the fact that Drew was one of Dave's best friends, it didn't bother him that Alli thought Drew was a colossal dick. It also didn't concern him one bit that he, KC, and Drew usually went out with their girlfriends on triple dates, which would likely be extremely awkward considering that Drew and Alli never really made peace about their relationship and KC was a total dick to Jenna who happened to be Alli's second best friend.

Dave nodded. "So you mean sorta like Manny and JT."

"Yeah. This fic actually called this pairing back during the Boiling Point parody chapters," Alli said.

So then the two realized that dating involves certain complications, not the least of which would be introducing Dave to Alli's parents who were super into arranged marriage.

"You know," Dave said. "I think your parents will be happy to see that you're with a guy who's smart and actually cares about school and isn't lying to you about his sexual history and nearly giving you STIs."

"No," Alli said. "We have to create a big, elaborate lie that will come crashing down around us."

So Alli invited Dave over. "This is my friend, David," she said, introducing Dave who was wearing a powdered wig and a tuxedo to make himself look like boyfriend material.

After a few minutes of chit-chat, Dave ran off. "That wasn't the real me, man. I have to be wearing a pair of headphones around my neck to feel genuine."

"Well then we're through!" Alli said.

Just then, Jenna wound up on Alli's doorstep. "I have no place to live. My brother disappeared off the face of the planet and KC kicked me out."

"That sucks," Alli said.

"We would be happy to let an unwed mother who does not meet our moral standards live in our house," Alli's parents said.

So Jenna moved in and was like, "WHY did you ruin things with Dave?"

So Alli apologized to Dave. "Let's do something normal together later," Dave said.

"Normal?" Alli said. "I'm sorry, I can't. I'm developing a huge gambling problem this weekend. Maybe next weekend."

So then they broke up. "Alli, what the hell?" Jenna asked. "Are you TRYING to end up single just so that you can chase after Jake?"

"Well there was a bit of setup for that pairing in his pilot episode," Alli said.

"I don't approve of sluttiness and cheating, Alli," Jenna said.

"Sure okay," Alli said.

So then we fast forward to the point in the fic I'm actually supposed to be at right now.

Clare and Jake were having dinner with their parents. "Can we do this quickly?" Clare asked. "I kind of have to get ready for prom which I'm not technically supposed to be at this year but whatever."

"No, we can't do anything quickly, Clare. Except get married after dating for like two months," Mrs. Edwards said.

"WHAT?" Clare asked. "But that's not fair! Jake and I are dating!"

Jake sighed. "You didn't have to _TELL _them that!"

"Yes I did," Clare said. "Were you planning on just having us make out all throughout their honeymoon despite being siblings?"

"That's how we do things out in the country," Jake said.

"That is an appalling stereotype, Jake," Clare said. "I feel like I barely even know you."

"That's because you met me right after spring break when you had JUST broken up with Eli," Jake said.

Mrs. Edwards sighed. "You need to break up, kids."

"This isn't fair!" Clare said. "What about ME? What about what I want?"

Mrs. Edwards sighed. "Oh, honey, no one gives a fuck about that. You're not with Eli and that's all your fans really care about."

"Are you going to tell Darcy that you're getting married?" Clare asked. "You know, your other daughter who never returned to her _semester_-long trip to Africa?"

Mrs. Edwards shrugged. "Out of sight, out of mind."

"You people are unbelievable," Clare said, storming off and walking all the way to prom.

So then they all got to prom and Bianca ended up at the same table with Drew and Katie. "So, you two might have a few things in common. You're a ballerina, right Katie? Well uhm...Bianca's a hip hop dancer."

"I don't care," Katie said. "Besides, hip hop and classical ballet are REALLY different. I hate her. Can't some guy ask her to dance already so that this can stop being awkward."

So then Adam showed up and Bianca started dancing with him. "I'm really sorry I was a transphobic bitch in season ten," Bianca said. "Maybe someday we'll end up together after I have a really moving realization about the fact that you're still a man no matter what your chromosome pairing may be."

"You really should," Adam said. "Because you know, women with androgen insensitivity syndrome actually are born with XY chromosome pairings but still develop into what society would generally refer to as women. They have breasts and vaginas, just no periods. There are also XX males, so you can't exactly say that the chromosome pairing determines gender whether you are trans-positive or not."

Bianca shrugged. "You just went over most people's heads. Most people on Teen Nick dot com are still arguing over whether or not you're a girl."

"Hey shit, I forgot the crowns," Sav said to Ms. Oh. "I uh...left them at Degrassi."

"Sav, this school is kind of big on security," Ms. Oh said. "I'm a chaperone, I can't just run off to Degrassi to get the crowns."

"Sure you can," Sav said. So then they ran off to the school and had a romantic dance or something.

Meanwhile, Vince showed up and was all, "yo, squeaky clean, let's fight!"

The two sessions of martial arts Drew had taken caused him to be a much better fighter than Vince. But just for safe measure, he pulled out some chap stick. Because ugly, chapped lips defined Vince's existence, pointing chap stick at him was kind of like pointing penicillin at polio. Yeah that was mean of me. Anyway, Vince was thrown back by the sheer force of it. Just when Drew thought the fight was over, Vince pulled out a gun which he miraculously got past the added security Degrassi put into place to protect the students from having _another _extremely dangerous dance. "Time to shoot the fuck out of someone who has nothing to do with why I'm actually angry in the first place," he said. With that, he shot Adam.

"KATIE ARE YOU OKAY?" Drew screamed.

"I thought I told you to practice your lines!" Katie said, handing Drew a script.

Examining the piece of paper in his hands, Drew realized Adam was the one who got shot. "Oh, shit," he corrected. "ADAM ARE YOU OKAY?"

"No, I got shot you dumbass," Adam said.

Just when they were having a good time, Sav and Ms. Oh got a phone call.

"AGAIN?" Ms. Oh asked, throwing her phone down. "I thought uniforms were supposed to STOP people from bringing weapons to school."

"Dude, how are uniforms supposed to stop students from bringing weapons to school?" Sav asked.

"No fucking clue," Ms. Oh said.

So then they ran back to the dance.

"Oh if only I had been here, I could have single-handedly stopped the shooting from happening," Ms. Oh said. "This was all my fault."

So Bianca was like, "I'm going to go kill Vince to put an end to this."

"No, Bianca. There's a better option. We can go to the police instead," Drew said.

"The POLICE?" Bianca asked incredulously. "You mean the useless bunch who have failed to do anything to help either of us all season?"

"Yeah well now Vince shot someone so we can get him arrested," Drew said.

"Oh good, which will just cause some other gang member freak to get pissed off and try to do all the same shit all over again," Bianca said.

"Not the point," Drew said. "This show is trying to have a moral about how street justice is bad. It's an important moral."

So then they all went to the hospital. "WHY is Bianca here?" Mrs. Torres asked. "It's all HER FAULT that Adam got shot!"

Taking a step toward his crazy mother, Drew said, "well technically that's not 100% accurate."

"I don't CARE if it's 100% accurate or not!" Mrs. Torres shouted. "Even if Bianca wasn't the one who shot Adam, the fact that she had some peripheral thing to do with the guy who did it makes it entirely her fault!"

"Dude...what are you trying to do to her?" Drew asked. "The actor who played the guy who shot your son is never going to be on the show again. Bianca, on the other hand, has to be on this show until her character graduates."

"So what?" Mrs. Torres interrupted. "When has blaming a mostly nonviolent Degrassi student for someone else getting shot ever caused any trouble?"

"Uh...when the whole school decided Jimmy getting shot was Spinner's fault even though it was kind of partially Jay and Alex's faults too but no one ever gave a fuck about that?" Drew asked.

Shrugging, Mrs. Torres said, "Spinner Mason was one of the only characters to ever actually get his loose ends tied up, whatever you may thing of the manner in which they did that. All in all, he's a pretty lucky character."

"I know, Mom, but after all Bianca's been through she just doesn't deserve to start dating Clare and become a Christian."

"Wait a minute," Adam said. "She wouldn't date me because I'm supposedly a girl when I'm actually a guy...but now you're saying she's going to date Clare?"

"He's making a point about how being blamed for someone else getting shot makes you into a lovesick Christian puppy," Bianca said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, that makes sense," Adam said.

"How is it her fault that she did everything in her power to keep Vince away from us and then I picked up the phone like a tool and baited Vince into coming to prom so I could fight him because I wanted to have a big PTSD-settling show-down?" Drew asked.

"Because I said so," Mrs. Torres said.

So then Clare walked all the way to the hospital. "Did it hurt getting shot, Adam?"

"Wow, Clare, that was possibly the stupidest line they've ever given you," Adam said.

So then she got a text. "You okay, Clare?" Eli asked.

"Well better than Adam right now, but Jake's going to be my brother," Clare said.

"That's rough," Eli said sympathetically.

And then they shared a looking-at-each-other moment that gave a bunch of fans a bunch of hope.

And then I was like, "guys I'm really sorry this took me so long to post. I got a temp job that has overtime and leaves me really exhausted most of the time. I do hope to have everything parodied before the new season starts though, so I'll try to get the Jake's party episode up soon."

On the next installment of _The Boring Point._

_ Clare is upset. _"ALLI!" she will scream. "I'm upset!"

"I'm upset too," Alli will say."

"Oh yeah, well I'm MORE upset!" Clare will scream. "You don't understand me.

_Marisol will wear a bikini out into the middle of the woods where there are no lakes, swimming pools, or hot tops._ "Mar, why are you wearing a bikini?" Katie will ask.

"More importantly," Bianca will say, "why are you always down on ME for trying to steal your boyfriend when your best friend is running around in front of him in a bikini?"

"Because he thinks Marisol is boring and only tolerates her because he likes me," Katie will say. "You on the other hand are really hot and interesting apparently."

"Well if you're so insecure as to think I'm hot and interesting, you really must not have a very good relationship with Drew," Bianca will say.

"Dammit," Jake will complain. "I sure done got a huge crush on my step sister."

"That doesn't really help with country boy stereotypes," Alli will say.

"Fine, let's make out," Jake will respond.

And then Clare will cry.

And then Eli will go "oh no."

WILL THE WRITERS GET ECLARE BACK TOGETHER? OR WILL THIS EPISODE DO NEXT TO NOTHING TO ADVANCE THE PLOT BESIDES DASHING THE HOPES OF ECLARE FANS EVERYWHERE?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON...

THE BORING POINT!


	28. The Really Freaking Late Chapter

So...is anyone still reading this fic? Heather Poulette probably is...but not sure who else. Anyway, yes, I am way behind, so this is going to start with that random thing they aired in October that tricked me into believing the show was back when it actually wasn't. So yeah. Hope you all will forgive me for taking THIS FREAKING LONG to update.

Clare and Alli were sitting in Clare's room while the former of the two viciously applied makeup to her downtrodden and distressed face. Even though she knew it was hopeless that anything but dark and black despair could come of her miserably depressing and bleak adolescent existence which surely was much worse than that of her missing sister, Darcy, she wanted to look pretty for her mother's wedding to her ex-boyfriend's father on the off-chance that the guy only 40% of Tumblr users think is a suitable substitute for Eli would consider unbreaking her heart.

"Dude, why is your mom getting married in _your house_?" Alli asked. "Isn't this house technically still your father's part time?"

Shaking her head, Clare pouted angrily at her friend. Though they had known each other for many years, Alli just didn't understand anything like oh em gee (not to be confused with oh my God which Clare would never say except perhaps for later in this season when she'll inevitably have a crisis of faith after a boy sees her boobs because she didn't learn anything from Darcy's stint with online sexiness). "They _dropped _that plotline," Clare said coldly. "Some friend you are. How can you call yourself my best friend when you haven't even memorized the list of plot holes surrounding my life?"

Ignoring Clare's passive-aggressive bitchiness, Alli said, "speaking of plot-holes, where's Darcy?"

"She got transfered to a high school in California," Clare said. "It's called West Beverly or something."

Nodding slowly, Alli said, "shouldn't she have graduated by now?"

"It's 90210. Famous for what TV Tropes calls Dawson casting. You get too old for Degrassi and you can just continue high school there," Clare said. "She's skinny and in Hollywood skinny girls can go to high school until they're twenty five. Goodness, Alli, why do I have to explain this to you? Aren't you in the gifted program?"

Smirking at her friend, Alli said, "perhaps _you _need to pay more attention. No mention has been made of the gifted program since we were niners."

"Why's that?" Clare asked.

"Because at this point, it would seem too ridiculous that KC's in it."

"Right," Clare said, realizing that made more sense than anything that else that was bound to happen in this episode."

Picking up her cell phone in despair, Alli groaned. "Dave hasn't texted me in forever."

"I don't care," Clare said. "Your boyfriend is an _extra_. He's not even a cute extra."

Alli stared at the curly-haired girl in shock. "How DARE you call my boyfriend an extra?"

"He's Chantay's cousin. That's so lame it makes me want to barf," Clare said.

"He's a much more important character than Chantay, okay?" Alli asked.

"He's a black JT," Clare retorted.

"His plotlines are original," Alli spat back. "He has gotten pee on him TWICE. And he had a cool plotline where he bashed a transgender kid only to completely overcome his bigotry in one episode. He's got true character potential. How many plotlines has Jake had that didn't involve you?"

"Not the point," Clare said. "No one cares about you anymore. You've had two whole plotlines devoted to guys ignoring you despite your undying devotion. There are hardly _any _episodes just devoted to me whining about guys not liking me."

"Umbrella?" Alli asked.

"Those were about me whining about the possibility that my boyfriend wants sex deep down even though he's totally willing to wait," Clare argued. "Not the same thing."

"Innocent When You Dream?" Alli asked.

"That was about me whining about how I don't get to be a vampire and screw Declan," Clare said.

"But I thought you didn't want sex," Alli said.

"Cheese and rice, Alli, LEAVE ME ALONE!" Clare shouted.

"Okay so is the author just going to find a bunch of dumb ways to make it sound like you're taking the Lord's name in vain without you doing it for this chapter?" Alli asked.

"Pretty much," was Clare's response. "Anyway get out of my house."

So Alli got out of Clare's house and went to The Dot where she met Dave. "Yo, Alli, s'nice seein' ya but I gots a confession, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"Why are you talking like that?" Alli asked.

"Okay so I cheated on you but it was only a little sex. Look the girl I did it with wasn't even cast, so you'll never have to see her," Dave said.

"Unbelievable," Alli said, storming off in a huff.

Meanwhile, Adam was lounging on the couch nursing his bullet wound while both the girls who chose his brother over him crowded around Drew, completely ignoring the guy who could have freaking died right in front of them.

"So stress stress problems stress difficult hard problem," Katie said.

"Katie," Drew said. "I thought you said we'd have fun this summer."

Seeing how sexy Bianca looked just standing there with that pouty expression on her face, Katie said, "you're right. I should shirk my school duties to make out with you."

"That's what I'm talking about," Drew said. "Let's all go to The Dot and abandon my poor injured brother."

"Sounds like a plan," Bianca said.

"Who invited you?" Katie asked. "Oh my God I'm insecure!"

Meanwhile, Jake was checking out his step-sister-to-be. "Jake, I really think you should stop with the faux-incest," Mr. Martin said. "I know that stuff has been really popular since Twilight came out, but it kind of gives us country boys in plaid shirts a bad name."

"Relax, Dad," Jake said. "No one thinks of me as an unattractive redneck third wheel who's derailing a much more popular ship."

The ninja who thought exactly that aimed a dart at his throat. Luckily the ninja was too short to aim that high and missed.

So then the wedding happened and the new Mrs. Martin said, "I'd like to propose a toast to my only child Clare."

Clare was like, "OH FOR THE LOVE OF GODIVA, MOM. I am not an only child!"

With that, she stormed off, realizing Jake would never love her despite the fact that he never said anything to that effect.

While Clare pouted, Eli said tapping his foot at The Dot. "Dude, could I get some _service _around here? I've been sitting in this chair for TWO MONTHS waiting for someone to bring me some coffee."

"Haven't you heard?" Alli asked him. "Fitz mysteriously disappeared. There is no one working at The Dot. It's just a dramatic backdrop now."

"DAMMIT," Eli shouted. "I mean, gosh darn it. I'm on meds now. I have to be chill."

"But no one likes that Eli," Alli said. "I read on Tumblr that there's this girl who's into BDSM who would love nothing more than a sexy stalker man who obsesses until he possesses her so she wants you like nothing else."

"Wow I'll bet that pissed off a lot of people in the BDSM community who are concerned about the community's bad reputation for occasionally letting genuine abusers fly under the radar."

"It certainly did," Alli said.

"By the way, you look miserable and depressed," Eli said.

"Wait...why are you acting like my friend? I helped convince Clare to break up with you," Alli said.

Before Eli could answer that, Drew skipped along with the two women pining for his affection. "Alli, what's wrong? You know I hate seeing you looking like a guy just cheated on you."

"Then why did you do it?" Alli asked.

"Well uh...so...what's wrong?" Drew asked.

"A guy cheated on me," Alli said.

"That BASTARD," Drew said, acting like he cared. "Who would do that to you? God dammit I will rip his balls off. That is pure cruelty!"

Drew continued to act like he and Alli were close friends and he never cheated on her for a few minutes, while Bianca smiled politely at her as though there was never a schism between them involving naked photos.

Just a few moments later, Jake showed up all, "so guys. I was thinking since I barely know any of you and half of you would technically hate each other if Degrassi kept up with its own storylines that maybe we should all go to my cabin later tonight for a party."

"Did someone say party?" Marisol giggled, arriving from out of nowhere.

Rolling his eyes dramatically, Drew started to say, "no" but was unfortunately interrupted by his overly accommodating girlfriend.

"Yeah, Mer," Katie beamed enthusiastically, thrilled to have the best friend who told the entire school about her eating disorder and was constantly trying to steal her boyfriend around.

"Okay seriously Marisol, I've got to ask you something," Drew said. "What the hell is your point?"

Shrugging with a flirtatious season nine Jenna grin, Marisol stepped towards the boy who was completely repulsed by her personality and probably never going to change his mind. "I am the new Chantay," she whispered seductively into his ear.

"Mer, that's racist!" Katie said. "Just because you're an African American female doesn't make you Chantay's replacement. Does that make Chantay the new Liberty?"

"You got me all wrong," Marisol said. "I'm not talking about race here. I'm talking about how when she first came on the show she was literally walking scenery and then all of a sudden she was a character and you were supposed to remember her name and give a damn about her only nothing she ever did was actually interesting or relevant to the plot."

Wincing, Katie said, "I'm still not sure that's okay. Maybe you can be the new Holly J to my...Anya?"

"Now who's racist?" Marisol asked through a narrowed gaze. "Asking _me_ to fill in for Holly freaking J?"

"Guys, guys," Drew said. "The real racist person is whoever decided to name the _last _black female character Chantay Black."

The two girls nodded in agreement and everyone headed up to the party. "Should we tell Clare about this secret party up in the woods?" Alli asked.

"Nah," everyone else said. "Clare's annoying and she sucks."

Eli didn't say anything because Eli was taking his meds and psychiatric medication has the magical ability to help a person get over their ex within two weeks. This is how Eli has completely forgotten about his serial-killer level obsessive devotion to Clare and Fiona barely remembers that Holly J used to be the love of her life or that she and Declan used to have twincestuous chemistry which by the way is a severe case of messed up considering how awful people who actually have non-consensual incest histories probably feel seeing that sort of thing appropriated into awkward fan service which is facilitated by the fact that about 85% of viewers during the first few episodes of season nine thought that Annie looked better with Landon than Charlotte did despite the fact that their actors play siblings but I digress considering plenty of immoral activities are randomly okay when they happen in stories that have hot teenagers in them like for example look at fucking Breaking Dawn which has a freaking grown man giving a promise ring to a baby but whatever back to the story.

So Clare was at home all "I'm BORED. My life SUCKS. This cake SUCKS. Mom, why'd you get a picture of us and stick it on top of your wedding cake? Am I the only one who thinks eating pictures of people is kinda creepy and gross? And why's Darcy not in the photo, I mean how hard would it have been to just get a 90210 shot and photo shop it into the family and pretend she visited at some point or something? Geez."

While she complained, everyone else got to the party. "Okay guys," Marisol said, skipping into the cabin. "I brought my bikini!" With that, she started stripping.

"Wow, oh..." Drew winced.

"It's okay, Drew. She doesn't know the rule. Maybe one of us should explain it to her."

"The rule?" Drew asked. "What rule?"

Rolling her eyes, Katie said, "how is it that I've been on this show less time than you and I already know the stripping rule. The rule is that you have to be on the show for at least two seasons _and _the actor who plays you has to be eighteen before you get to strip into a bikini and/or lingerie."

"Darcy did it in her first major season," Alli protested.

"Well yeah but she was on the show for a super long time, just not actually relevant until she took her clothes off," Bianca argued. "Wait...that sounds wrong."

So then everyone pretended that conversation never happened.

"I'm gonna go roast marshmallows," Jake announced. "Is anyone coming with me?"

"No," everyone said. "We'd much rather sit around in a boring cabin by ourselves."

So Jake went to roast some marshmallows, and eventually Alli followed. "My boyfriend cheated on me," Alli pouted. "Everyone cheats on me. I thought I was supposed to be the new Manny, but instead I'm just a whinier less environmentally concerned version of Emma with a lot more makeup."

"Don't compare yourself to Emma," Jake said. "She had character development."

On that romantic note, the two started passionately kissing, just in time for Clare to go, "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU! I'M GOING TO RUN OFF AND GET MURDERED AND IT'S YOUR FAULT!"

So then Clare ran off and tripped over something, causing her forehead to bleed all over her headband. "I should leave this here so Jake thinks I'm dead," she giggled. "That'll show him."

Jake just stared blankly ahead with a _what have I done_ look on his face while Alli rolled her eyes in frustration, thinking of how murdered by ninjas she would be if that kiss had been come between EClare instead of Cake. As they brooded, Marisol jumped on top of Drew and was like. "Drew, guess what? I'm a girl and I have breasts and a vagina. See where I'm going with this?"

"No, get off me!" Drew said.

"But you're so sexay!" Marisol whined.

"Dude, knock it off. When a guy tells you that you have no redeeming qualities or value as a character, it means he's not sleeping with you. Take a hint, man. If you were uglier you could hang out with Connor's girlfriend, Love Queen."

"He wants me _so bad_," Marisol purred.

"Okay, I am SICK of people trying to steal my boyfriend!" Katie shouted. "Bianca, get out of here!"

Bianca was sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing to indicate that she wanted to have sex with Drew. She, Drew, and Marisol looked at Katie incredulously.

"Doesn't Jake's presumably Christian father have any weed around here?" Marisol asked, fishing around in the couch cushions.

When she found some weed, Drew was like, "Jesus Christ, Marisol. Make the whole house smell like weed. You don't think he's going to notice that someone came in here and SMOKED ALL HIS WEED?"

"No," Marisol shrugged. "I'll go do it in the abandoned shed. You coming, Katie?"

Katie crossed her arms and made a pouty lip. "I am NOT leaving Drew with that whore, Bianca."

"Woah," Bianca said, as Alli walked through the door. "I think she deserves a bit more whore cred than I do right now."

Rolling her eyes, Alli was like, "all I did was kiss someone else's boyfriend. You gave ORAL SEX to my boyfriend."

"Yeah but you weren't my best friend," Bianca said.

"So, you're saying you're more of a whore if you do the thing you do with someone whose girlfriend you care about?" Alli asked. "How does that work?"

"Damn, this show really needs a stronger feminist message," Katie said.

"They tried doing that, but it ended up with a character who was way sluttier than Bianca," Marisol said.

"Okay who said a girl who likes sex can't be a feminist?" Bianca asked.

"No one, but someone _did _say that a girl who doesn't like sex but gives random oral in exchange for shitty cheap bracelets probably isn't all that empowered," Drew said. "I know cuz I'm a tool."

"Ugh, I'm out of here. Mer, let's go watch you get high," Katie said.

So the two went out to the shed where Marisol started hallucinating. "Katie, I'm seeing things that aren't really there!"

"What is it, Mer?" Katie asked.

"Oh my God, I'm hallucinating that this episode is having a really interesting plotline. Murder. Bloodshed. Something other than Clare being a drama queen and you being jealous of Bianca. This can't be happening!"

"Relax, it's the mid-season tide-you-over episode," Katie said. "Nothing interesting is happening. It's all in your head."

So Clare, whose head was a little injured, kept running. "You're covered in blood," Eli said.

"Well, you always wanted to consume all my blood so we could be as one," Clare said. "Don't you like that sort of thing."

Clasping his hands together thoughtfully, Eli said, "psychiatric medication completely cures you of vampirism. I guess being in grade ten, you wouldn't have learned that in biology yet."

Blushing, Clare's lips formed a half-smile. "They didn't mention that detail in Fortnight."

Just as the two were about to kiss and make about 79% of Tumblr happy, Clare remembered that she was in a relationship with her stepbrother.

"I should...be respectful of the sanctity of your relationship with your sibling," Eli said apologetically.

"STEP sibling!" Clare pouted. "You don't know ANYTHING, that's why we broke up!"

"Clare, I know a lot of girls like you because they see you as relatable because you're not a size zero bimbo slut yet still manage to be attractive, but honestly your personality has gone from endearing to completely obnoxious in the past couple of season chunks and I want you to know that I think it's time for you to have a breakdown of your own and realize that even non-mentally-troubled people can need therapy, creating a very special episode about how there's no shame in going to therapy just because you've hit puberty and turned into a drama queen."

"_MY _personality is obnoxious? Look at you!" Clare screamed hysterically.

"Look at me," Eli said rationally. "Psycho is a relative term these days. See Imogen for example. Just last season she was shoving tampons up her nose. The next thing you know, she might be Fiona's new girlfriend."

"Fimogen? Really?" Clare asked.

"Well, you never know," Eli said. "Fans want to see her with a girl who's in the actual cast. The author of this fic has had a crush on Fiona since season nine and despite the fact that Charlie being a do-gooder artistic college student should have made her a great self-insert for said author of this fic, she still hated Farlie with a burning passion. That says something about how shoddy that plot line was."

"It just wasn't a good enough ship to derail Fadam for," AdamIsMyGod08 said.

"Yeah," follyj4evah agreed. "I mean...that sweaty dream of Fiona's with Holly J was way hotter than that thing where she was in a bikini for a random chick in her art class."

"That I would agree with," Eli said.

Several girls fainted with romantic bliss and lust at the sound of his voice.\

Meanwhile, Marisol the completely unlikable character was screaming about how she was in a horror movie. "OH MY GOD I'M BLACK AND BLACK PEOPLE HAVE A LOW SURVIVOR RATE IN THESE KINDS OF FILMS!" she screamed.

"GET A GRIP MARISOL!" Katie shouted back. "DEGRASSI IS WAY MORE PROGRESSIVE THAN THAT. WHO CARES IF WE MIGHT DIE OF MURDEROUS MURDEROSITY? WE HAVE A BIGGER PROBLEM! BIANCA MIGHT STEAL MY BOYFRIEND WHO DOESN'T WANT HER AND HAS MADE THAT VERY CLEAR TO BOTH OF US BY NOW!"

So then Clare went back to the cabin and Bianca was like, "KATIE GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF, NO ONE IS GOING TO GET MURDERED IN THIS HOUSE AND I'M NOT GETTING BACK WITH DREW."

And then Katie and Drew shared a beautiful moment together and Jake was like, "Clare I'm sorry I wasn't taking our incest...erm...relationship seriously."

"It's not incest," Clare said. "Step-siblings aren't real siblings."

"As an anonymous Tumblr user pointed out, that is a _really _offensive thing to say," Drew said. "By that notion, Adam and I should start making out."

"Dude...most people who write Adam slash at least pair him with me," Eli said.

"Why are you acting all gay all of a sudden?" Drew asked.

"Because the author of this fic is constantly pointing out lesbian subtext, and in the interest of fairness she feels the need to validate some male-on-male pairings," Eli said.

"That actually makes sense," Drew said.

So then school started and Fiona was like, "Katie, Marisol. For some reason I really want to be popular."

"Why?" they both asked in unison because they're apparently robotic mean girls now.

"Because in rehab I learned that you can get over addiction to alcohol by obsessing over something else unhealthy that isn't illegal instead. It's one of the flaws of behavioral therapy. You can only eliminate a behavior if you find another behavior to take its place," Fiona explained.

"Sounds like the author of this fic is a psychology geek stuck doing boring office work until she can get a better job," Marisol said.

"Basically," Fiona admitted on my behalf. "So, what do you say to a party at my place?"

"AWE-SOME!" they said in unison. "We so have to re-familiarize ourselves with the only people at this school who aren't extras to make this year as memorable as possible!"

Meanwhile, Maya was walking to class and this guy named Zig flirted with her. "OH MY GOD I HATE YOU!" a dark haired girl shouted.

"Angela?" Maya asked incredulously.

The girl's eyes widened with terror. "Keep your voice down! No one can know it's me?"

"Why?" Maya asked.

"I'm in hiding," Angela explained. "You see...I've been on Degrassi longer than anybody left except Clare. Vicariously or otherwise, I witnessed almost every plot hole and mysterious demonic ninja kidnapping ever to have occurred at Degrassi. If the ninjas find out I'm here, I'm dead. So as far as you or anyone can know, my name's Tori."

"That sounds awful," Maya said. "Why are you hiding out at Degrassi?" Maya asked. "Can't you go to Hollywood and live with Craig and Ellie assuming they stayed there?"

"In order to live in California I'd have to transfer to West Beverly High and they wouldn't accept me," Tori said. "You see, if an actual teenager went there, they'd have to deal with the fact that Darcy (now known as Annie) was like eighteen when she was a freshman there. It would break their whole system."

"I didn't know they had admissions standards. That school is even dumber than ours is," Maya said.

"Yeah, that's why most of the sophomores there look like they're in their twenties," Tori said. "But I'm not rich enough, so I have to go to Degrassi."

It made a certain amount of sense, so Maya didn't push it. "I'm the new gay kid!" Tristan announced proudly.

"I could tell," Maya said.

"How?" Tristan asked.

"They gave you a gay scarf," quote unquote Tori said.

"Well after the really macho portrayal of gay guys done with Riley, they wanted to show that not all gay men are buff jocks," Tristan said. "I think it evens things out a little bit."

"Maybe someday Degrassi will get a butch lesbian too," Maya said.

"Don't hold your breath," a lot of people said.

So meanwhile, Fiona was telling everyone about her party and Eli was like, "ooh, I can't go, but I'm sure Imogen can."

"But she's weird," Fiona complained.

Eli paused for a moment. "Okay so she stuffs tampons up her nose and hits on me a little. Do you realize I CRASHED MY HEARSE over a relationship and shot at pictures of my dead ex-girlfriend hoping it would improve things between Clare and me? How is it that _I'm _not too weird for you, but Imogen is?"

"Because Katie and Marisol don't like Imogen," Fiona said.

"Who cares what Marisol thinks?" Imogen asked. "She has fewer actual interests than Chantay."

"That's not true!" Fiona stammered. "Marisol's interested in...boys."

"Name one more thing," Eli said. "Please."

"She's interested in wearing bikinis to mountaintop cabins," Fiona said pathetically.

"Yeah...and Chantay has the anti-grapevine which for some reason doesn't seem to exist anymore, and at some point she did that fashion show thing. At some point she even had a boyfriend. All Marisol does is unsuccessfully hit on guys and work at Little Miss Steaks when it's convenient to the plot," Imogen said.

For some reason, that wasn't enough to convince Fiona that Marisol's opinion wasn't important. Despite the fact that Fiona was a legacy who could probably get celebrities to come to her party if she felt like it, nothing could compare to the joy of having two relatively new characters she had nothing in common with want to be her friend. Even a potential femslash with Imogen wasn't enough to tear Fiona away from Marisol and Katie.

"Invite Imogen to your party or you suck," Eli said.

"Fine," Fiona said. "Just come early so I can get you dressed up in something hot."

Imogen nodded. "I GOT INVITED SOMEWHERE OH MY GOD!"

So then Imogen showed up at Fiona's house in a tutu and Fiona was like, "you really need to dress like you're going to a funeral. It's way sexier."

"Oh wait..." Imogen said, as she changed into Fiona's black dress. "Didn't you have some sex dream about dressing Holly J up in front of your mirror a couple seasons ago?"

"Uh...what?" Fiona giggled. "No, of course not."

"I'm just making sure you're not trying to turn me into a proxy Holly J the way Eli made me into a proxy Clare. I don't play dress-up anymore," Imogen said.

Adam appeared out of nowhere and was like, "me neither."

At that point, Imogen felt kind of awkward and guilty, but the party was starting so blah. "Hi a bunch of boring shallow people," Fiona said. "May I present Imogen's Princess Diaries style makeover?"

"You know it's weird," Drew said. "It's funny how a girl no guy wants to date suddenly becomes a big hottie if you apply a straightening iron to her hair."

"Big hottie?" Katie asked, all threatened-like.

"I mean, if you're into hotties. Not that I am," Drew said.

Katie narrowed her eyes. "Oh _rea-_lly."

This got bad. "So wanna go vandalize the school?" Fiona asked.

So they did that. "Let's all blame Imogen!" Marisol suggested, after they covered the cafeteria in an unrealistic amount of aluminum foil.

But then Imogen was like, "Fiona what the hell?"

And Marisol was like, "I'm a jerk!"

And Fiona was like, "stop being a jerk."

And Marisol was like, "Mr. Simpson whine whine everything's Fiona's fault."

And Mr. Simpson was like, "that I definitely believe. Considering that you, Marisol, are a model student who has never disrupted school activity by spreading rumors about other people's eating disorders, I'm going to take your word over both Imogen's and Fiona's."

"What happened to this whole 'I'm going to take problems seriously' thing at the end of _The Boiling Point_?" Fiona asked.

Mr. Simpson sighed deeply. "Mrs. Torres isn't here anymore to keep me in line. So now I'm just kind of a useless character."

That, sadly, made sense. "Hey, at least we have detention together," Imogen told Fiona.

"You know the writer of this fic has been suspecting a future femslash between us since that Steal Your Heart promo, right?" Fiona asked.

"Yeah but let's just ignore that and let it fester for a while," Imogen said.

Okay I'm going to end it here so you don't get overwhelmed reading like fifteen pages of parody but I must say I'm really excited to parody Jake and Clare's almost sex. So review so I know you're reading :-).


	29. The Rest of Season 11 Chapter

Okay guys. I have to get caught up with the rest of season 11 so I can start parodying Drew falling down the stairs and Becky being herself and...Alli being potentially pregnant...yeah...no...wow...pretending that isn't about to happen.

Despite her initial reluctance to attend Degrassi Community School in the first place, Maya really liked Zig an awful lot. It almost made up for the fact that she somehow had no friends and absolutely no one from her middle school seemed to be attending high school with her, leaving her completely alone in the world.

"I just don't see why you're completely without friends, Maya," Katie said on the way to school. "I mean, how many middle schools actually feed into Degrassi? Surely whichever one _you _went to sent at least _one_ other here right?"

Maya shrugged. "Actually, no. On 'pick what high school you're going to' day, which every middle school has, I told my fellow classmates not to pick Degrassi."

"Why would you do that?" Katie asked.

Maya shrugged as they rounded a corner, entering the chain-link fence that had so epically failed to protect anyone from criminal activity in the past. "I really feel like this school has too many main characters as it is. Every season, they add three to five new people. At the beginning of season ten, it kind of worked because Clare and Alli needed new love interests and Adam was actually interesting, same for Bianca. But now we're just adding more and more new random people without any real substance or plotlines every couple of minutes."

"Come on, Maya," Katie said. "That's really judgmental. Name one person who goes to this school just to be walking scenery. Name _one_."

Maya couldn't just name one, so she named several. "Uh...Jess, Hannah, Liam, Marisol..."

"Hey, don't hate on Marisol," Katie said. "She's a valid character."

Shaking her head, Maya said, "you're not a valid character until you've tried to date at least two people."

Katie considered this, taking careful stock of all the new characters. "Okay, so I have Jake and Drew. Bianca has Adam, Drew, and kind of that gangsta with the gross lips. Eli has Clare and Imogen. Imogen _will _have Eli and Fiona soon enough. Marisol only has one failed attempt to go out with Drew. We've got to do something about this. But who on Earth can we pair her with?"

Mo showed up all, "so smart intelligent reasonable probably going to get into college smartidydoo," he said to KC.

"Yeah well intelligent nothing Marisol would understand bright conversation potatoes."

"He's perfect," Katie said. "Hey Mo! Get a crush on Marisol."

Mo stopped in his tracks. "Why would I do that? She's got to be the dumbest female character on Degrassi."

"The writers are fixing that," Katie said. "Next season they're going to bring on a homophobic Christian character who makes early Darcy seem like Andrea Dworkin."

"Just because there's about to be someone dumber than Marisol doesn't mean I want her," Mo said.

Using the fact that being flat-chested makes you more intelligent than people with breasts in the world of TV, Maya stepped in front of her sister to make a more worthwhile argument. "Katie and I were talking, and you're only a real character when you've tried to date at least two people. So, you _kind of _liked Ms. Oh but that barely counted. Besides her, you've got nothing. What are you going to do?"

"Well, I am a representative of the fact that not everyone alive is as skinny and cute as you are," he said to Maya, "so I have to stick around as a character."

"Exactly," Katie said, taking all the credit for her sister's hard work. "So let's hook you two up."

Then Marisol showed up and was all, "eew, he's fat." Maya carefully explained the two love interests rule, and Marisol laughed wickedly. "You're forgetting something. I tried to date KC too. I'm in the clear. So why should I help Mo?"

Mo shrugged. "Because this season there aren't any other guys around to give you plotlines?"

Marisol sighed. "Oh what the hell. Let's be soul mates."

So they were. As much as I want Mo to be happy, I cannot believe he would be legitimately interested in Marisol much less that she would be interested in him.

The group of randomly thrown together friends arrived at school, and Maya sighed in frustration. "I've only tried to date _one _guy. How am I ever going to become a real character?"

Katie smiled. "Hey, I think you're off to a great start as a character," Katie said with a smile. "When Clare started ninth grade, she had an older sister here too. Having an older sibling on this show really helps you get relevance, fast. Just look at Holly J and Alli and Dave."

"Who was Dave related to again?" Maya asked.

"Chantay," Katie said. "Very important character."

"Who did she try to date?" Marisol asked.

"Uh..." Katie thought for a moment. "Danny. Well, it doesn't work anyway. Wesley tried to date both Anya and Hannah but still had no relevance."

"Perhaps trying to date someone who hasn't tried to date very many people doesn't count," Mo speculated. "Or maybe it only counts for half."

Rolling her eyes, Marisol said, "this is getting too complicated...honey bunch."

"Sorry sweetie pie," Mo rolled his eyes at the ridiculousness of his cosmic station.

"I'm positively lecturing my sister, shut up!" Katie said. "Anyhow, if you want to be successful you have to be like Clare. She didn't want to come here either, only her reason was that she wanted to focus on academics and not boys."

Maya snorted. "That flew out the window."

"Yeah, although someone should really write an AU fic about what would have happened if Eli had been the first Degrassi guy to meet Clare instead of KC and she had still been doing the Catholic school uniform every day when he met her," Katie said. "If that hasn't been done already. Anyway, you're already shaping up to be a laudable crossbreed of Clare and Emma. Just keep flirting with Zig and you'll be good to go," Katie said.

"Thanks for the sisterly advice," Maya said.

_Doo dee doo dee low key doo dee doo doo_

_ Watever it taykes_

_ I know ah can make it throo_

_ DEE DEE DEE DOO DOO DA DOO_

_ If ah how-uld aut ah no ah can mayk it throo!_

_ Da doo da doo bish bish bish bish CRASH_

_ Be tha best, tha best that a-hhhhhhhhh cayun bee_

_ Whatever it takes _

_ ah no_

_ AH KIN MAYK A-H-UUUUUUT_

_ Whatever it takes_

_ Ah no ah kin mayk it throo!_

"That song just doesn't sound as funny parodied anymore," Clare whined to Jake. "It's like the writers of the show are paying attention to this fic and realized how stupid it sounded and changed it. GOSH. Everything's so wrong in my life!"

Jake ignored her, offering a half-smile that basically meant "I hope my cuteness makes up for the fact that I'm not listening."

"See? Jake IGNORED Clare. He IGNORED HER! Eli would NEVER DO THAT OMG WHICH IS SO WHY ECLARE HAS TO GET BACK TOGETHER OR ELSE OMG," screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Are you even LI-STEN-ING to me?" Clare demanded of her step-boyfriend.

"Uh yeah, uh, you said blah blah blah blah angst and I said I'm here for you, babe and made some awkward aw shucks smile that was supposed to automatically make up for my lack of romantic eloquence," Jake said.

Realizing how deep and special their connection was, Clare said, "I think we should have sex."

"OH MY GOD!" xwaiting4elix shouted in despair. "Jake is abusive! Do you see how abusive he's being? He's _pressuring _Clare into premarital incest!"

"As opposed to..._marital _incest which is cool?" eclareh8r15 asked.

"You're _missing the point_!" xwaiting4elix said. "She was supposed to wait for marriage or Eli doing something incredibly dangerous, vampiric, and sexy towards her. Whichever came first! She's a whore now! The Degrassi writers have ruined her character! The real Clare would never have sex!"

eclareh8r15 was like, "but what about the fact that she actually showed some interest in having sex with Eli back in those godawful Umbrella episodes? Maybe waiting isn't what Clare actually wants."

"They were NOT god-awful," . .eli said. "They were ROMANTICAL! And CLARE WANTS ABSTINENCE! She made a promise to God unless she's with Eli."

And then the ninjas themselves were like, "the Umbrella episodes sucked," and the room fell silent.

The silence could not last, for Clare broke it with a big, "Jake! The audience here is on pins and needles waiting for us to have premarital incest. So, are you in or not?"

"You sure you want to do that?" Jake asked, remembering all the big pronouncements Clare used to make about how Alli was a slut for fornicating with Johnny DiMarco, a guy who was in no way related to her.

"More sure than I've ever been about anything," Clare said. "Including that plan I came up with to pretend Mr. Simpson's vibrator was a robot. So do you want to have sex or not?"

"Well I like the idea," Jake said.

Crossing her arms in disgust, Clare asked, "_what _do you like about that idea?"

"The fact that it involves sex, you know?" Jake said.

"No, I DON'T KNOW!" Clare screamed. "I can't read your MIND!"

Not realizing sex with your pseudo-abstinent step-sister was complicated, Jake sighed and offered another aw shucks smile. "Uh...I'm cute?"

"Well _what _do you want sex with me to be like?" Clare asked. "How do you picture it?"

"Well I kind of picture myself going down to the pharmacy and getting some condoms," Jake said. "Then I picture myself coming home, putting one of those condoms on, and inserting my penis into your vagina. How else would I picture it?"

"UGH. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING!" Clare screamed. "That's NOT how sex works!"

"Uh...what?" Jake asked.

Pouting, Clare shoved a Fortnight book in his hand. "READ THIS. It'll explain everything YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

With that, she stormed off in a huff. "Is that really what I'm going to be like?" Maya asked her imaginary friend.

"Yes," Atlantaenea said. "And I'm not imaginary. I'm real. Just like the spirit of Christmas. And by the way, you and Tori will probably become best friends eventually. She is the only girl your age, after all. Unless they add fifty thousand more cast members in season twelve."

"Which they probably will," Maya said.

"Hehe, you're funny," Zig said, appearing out of nowhere. "Gosh, I really feel like we're connecting."

"So why does Tori hate you?" Maya asked.

"Uh...cuz we dated and I dumped her for no reason?"

"Why'd you do that?" Maya asked.

"Why _did _I do that?" Zig wondered. "OH MY GOSH YOU'RE RIGHT! I SHOULD BLOW YOU OFF AND TAKE HER BACK! THANKS, MAYA!"

Maya was crushed, but enough about that.

So then Tristan was like, "hey Tori wanna hang out?"

"No, I wanna worship the ground Zig walks on," she corrected him.

So Tristan pouted off to the weight room to bother Owen, whose character stopped developing the moment Anya left.

"Ugh, I can't like buh-leeve a fifteen-year-old girl would rather spend time with a cute guy than her really annoying melodramatic friend," Tristan whined to Owen. "This has like _never_ happened on Degrassi before. She's totally like _ditching_ me!"

Owen rolled his eyes. "Is this really what I've been reduced to? A giver of brotherly advice to an annoying new character?"

"Like oh EM GEE!" Tristan said. "I am SUPER LOVABLE! People on Tumblr think so!"

"They think that because I threatened them," Owen said. "Every last one of them. Do you know what I had to do to get the DTC to like you? It was brutal, man. I'm sorry. Do you really think 666eli-goldworthys-love-slave666 is a big fan of musical theater?"

" You did _not _go around threatening EVERYBODY on Tumblr," Tristan said.

"Actually I did," Owen argued. "Try not to embarrass yourself or cause drama this season."

So Jake was sitting in a class he shared with Bianca and accidentally dropped his copy of Fortnight on the floor. The math teacher walked over and picked it up and was like, "excuse me, Mr. Martin," he started reading from the book, "'oh, Stella,' Fredward said dreamily, 'I cannot consume your blood before marriage. We have to think of the consequences! As a shirtless vampire, I'm an important public figure with a lot of influence over today's youth. I don't want my sexy broodingness to give teenage girls the idea that they should let men drink their blood before their wedding night. If he won't put a ring on it, he can't feed from it. That's what I say.' Stella stared whimsically into his golden amber honeysuckle school-bus colored but actually more luminous than that eyes (this isn't actually a worse description than Stephenie Meyer uses, you know I'm right) and sighed. 'You're right. Oh Fredward. Get me a promise ring!'"

"This is what gets Clare off?" Jake asked, shaking his head in confusion.

"Guess so," Bianca said, despite how implausible it is (even in the world of femslash) that Bianca knows much about Clare's sexuality or lack thereof.

"Then why didn't she stay with Eli?" Jake asked. "He was always talking about consuming her blood and becoming one with her."

"Yeah...but in his story about drinking Clare's blood and intimately murdering her, he didn't mention getting married first," Bianca said. "Not even ONCE. Clare wants a vampire that commits."

"Right," Jake said. "I guess my pa did warn me that city girls were weird."

"Personally I think Fredward's a good guy for respecting Stella's vampire virginity," Bianca said. "If I were a girl whose guy just thought vampire sex was some casual thing that didn't need to involve marriage, I'd impale him."

"Wait...what?" Jake asked.

"What I'm saying is, you're a big douche bag for even thinking about having sex with Clare because you know ninjas will kill you both if you do," Bianca said.

Jake gave an aw shucks smile and shook his head. "Ninjas? The ones that are violently assaulting people over the sanctity of EClare? You don't really believe those _rumors_, do you?"

Bianca rolled her eyes dramatically and flipped her sexy hair. "You know, for an incestuous country bumpkin, you really are quite stupid."

Jake offered her an aw shucks smile, figuring she didn't mean that any more than the Degrassi Tumblr community actually believes that eating chicken is the defining core of his personality.

"People actually think that, you know," Clare said, responding to his thoughts. "That all you do is eat chicken because they saw you do it that one time."

Rather than defending himself, Jake was like, "how did you read my thoughts?"

"It taught me how to in _this magazine_!" she said, shoving a magazine in his face. "Which you would read if you LOVED ME!"

"Eli would have read that magazine," .girl.16 sighed sadly. "He would have made love to her like a ravenous vampire."

"Uhm...lovers aren't supposed to eat each other," reasonabledegrassifan6 said. "Eating people sometimes involves death."

"NO IT DOESN'T!" .girl.16 screamed. "YOU ARE SO UN-ROMANTIC! YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY FLAT-CHESTED AND HAVE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND! RAR!"

Turning away from that image, Katie came into focus. "Soccer is _my life_," she said to Drew, "so if anything should happen to ruin this game, consider me to have forfeited myself to Bianca."

Drew smiled. "That's a pairing you don't see much of."

"I _mean_ consider me to have forfeited _you _to...you know what? Never mind," Katie said.

"Did anyone even know you played soccer before this episode?" Drew asked her.

Katie nodded. "You were supposed to read the Degrassi wiki. That page said everything you needed to know."

"Yeah, but the character rumors aren't always true. Fiona was supposed to be an experimental straight girl who hadn't gone all the way with a guy yet and was ready to give it all up for some Peter type person, according to someone on Teen Nick. And Bianca was supposed to become a lesbian. By the way, did you know the Russian word for lesbian is les**bianca**? Funny, huh?" Drew said.

Katie rolled her eyes dramatically. "Just wish me luck, okay?"

Drew smiled cutely. "Aw. We both know nothing bad ever happens to a Degrassi character who has betted all of their happiness on the hope that some only marginally attainable athletic dream will work out."

Seeing as Katie was a new character who hadn't watched very many episodes of Degrassi yet, she was inclined to agree with her hunk-like boyfriend. "Okay."

That afternoon, a glowing, luminous figure appeared in the stands. "Could it be?" Drew drew in a breath.

"No way," Katie said.

"Way," Drew grinned in a very lopsided manner. Atlantanea sat in the bleachers, watching the game.

"She's so beautiful," a girl from the opposing team said.

From the bleachers, Drew could faintly make out two gruff voices in rows behind him. "I don't understand how Xanath escaped."

"Escaped? From what?"

"Good point. I don't think anyone's actually following this fic's plot well enough to figure out what the fuck Xanath is for anymore."

"Well, some fans are complaining that this story is veering away from its simple Boring Point roots when the entire plot revolved around people randomly going nuts for a hyperbolic OC," one ninja explained to the other. "I think we'd better do something about this."

So a ninja did a crazy backflip and lunged for Atlantaenea. Little did he know that she was the reincarnation of a magical pony goddess who could not be lunged at successfully. She flew into the air, but then remembered that she had absorbed the sins of some orphans who resorted to shady dealings in order to make money on the black market a few weeks ago, and wasn't angelic enough to fly. This caused her to randomly land on Katie and crush her leg.

"I CAN STILL PLAY!" Katie said, hopping on one foot.

"KATIE, YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT YOUR PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS!" Drew shouted dramatically.

"NO I DON'T!" Katie screamed. "I'm gonna go do drugs and you can't stop me!"

So then Katie ran off to do drugs and Drew just sighed miserably. "I feel like this is all my fault," Atlantaenea wept onto his shoulder. "I just feel like I'm an irrelevant character sometimes. Like my plotlines are inconsistent and nothing about me makes sense."

"Hey," Drew said. "Hey. It will be alright. I'm here."

Then Katie went home and stole her seriously disabled mother's pain meds. "That's really a fucked up thing to do," Maya said.

"Shut it," Katie hissed. "You may be likely to become the next Clare, but for now you're just the awkward Degrassi younger sibling. You haven't earned the right to express opinions in episodes yet."

Realizing Katie was right, Maya left her sister to abuse narcotics to her heart's content. Then one day, Drew was like, "I just had an amazing idea! Bianca, Katie, why don't you two become best friends?"

"Why?" Katie asked.

"Because it's stupid and would make good femslash videos!" Drew said.

So then Katie and Bianca went off to do sexy dancing together all Palex style.

"Hello," a mysterious stranger with a thick, dark voice said to Katie. "My name is Adonis Cullen-Coyne. I am Xanath's dark and mysterious twin brother."

"Oh you have got to be shitting me," Katie said. "This story is _way _too complicated as it is."

"You're right," Adonis Cullen-Coyne said. "I'm making this shit up. Do you want to buy some drugs?"

Katie did want to buy some drugs, so she did. "Dammit Katie!" Bianca hissed. "I thought you liked me."

"Like no way!" Katie said. "I was totally _going _to like you but there can only be one lesbian couple at Degrassi at a time. That's how it works at normal schools, only two guys and two girls are ever gay at a given moment. So...we can't hook up and I figured as long as we're stuck being straight and disappointing both Kianca and Bimogen fans everywhere, I might as well use you for drugs."

Bianca sighed. "I meant I thought I was going to have one female friend for once. Even though Imogen forgave me she forgot I existed when Fiona showed up which leads me to the conclusion that she was using me for my lingerie. Whatever. You don't need to hear this!" Bianca then stomped out the door and snuck into Drew's house through the basement, which was never locked under any circumstances. "Drew, your girlfriend's a stoner. We should bang."

"Hang on, hold up," Drew said. "Katie would never do drugs."

"She practically OD'd while we were hanging out," Bianca said.

"So...what should I do about it?" Drew asked.

"Dump her ass and do me," Bianca said.

"Wait," Drew said. "Okay, I know that team Drianca is a little more popular than team Krew, but I gotta say this is a really shitty way for us to end up back together. I mean...my girlfriend's in the fucking hospital."

Bianca shook her head. "What kind of guy would wait around for a girl to get out of rehab?"

"I would!" Adam said. "I did it for Fiona."

"Drew," Bianca said. "Listen to your brother. If you wait for Katie to get out of rehab, she's going to turn into a lesbian and have some unrequited plotline with Marisol. Is that what you want for your future?"

Adam was like, "I don't think Fiona became a lesbian because I helped her go to rehab."

"Quiet," Bianca hissed. "Anyway, Drew, if you hook up with me I won't go home and write horrible Katie/Marisol femslash."

"Good, please don't," Drew said. "Because honestly Marisol could probably turn me gay if I spent enough time with her."

"Why?" Bianca asked.

"Because she's boring and stuff. I had a date with her and it sucked, remember?"

"More boring than Alli?" Bianca asked.

"Uh...as weird as that is, yeah," Drew said. "So anyway, are we hooking up or not?"

"NO!" Bianca shouted. "Hooking up while she's still in rehab would make us both total assholes."

Drew got really confused. "Bianca, I am _really _confused right now!"

"I knew coming here was a mistake!" Bianca pouted poutily, stomping out of the apartment.

"Where did Bianca go?" Mrs. Torres smiled pleasantly. "I love her and wish she were my daughter."

"Wait WHAT?" Drew asked. "I am _so _confused!"

"Your life is full of plot holes," Adam said. "The sooner you accept each and every one of them, the better."

"Is that something your therapist told you?" Drew asked.

"I see a therapist?" Adam asked.

"When it's relevant to very special episodes about being transgender," Drew said.

"Oh, right," Adam said.

Meanwhile, Clare straddled her stepbrother with a naughty look on her face. "This is it. The one most beautiful, special moment in a couple's life. A moment which we can never take back. A moment which indicates that you are contractually obligated to love me until Degrassi is cancelled in the year 3018. A moment which ninjas will volunteer you as tribute to the Hunger Games if you _ever _regret. A moment which I will never ever forgive you if either one of us start to second guess at any moment of our lives.

"Clare, I can't do this," Jake said. "This is way too much pressure."

"_How _am I pressuring you?" Clare demanded. Jake gave her an aw shucks smile and ran. "FINE!" she hissed. "I'm joining a band of pot-smoking felons! To Hades with you!"

So then Clare joined a cult and they were like, "you have to destroy your cell phone and cut off all ties to the outside world."

Clare couldn't stand this. "WHY ARE CULTS SO CONTROLLING?"

"First of all, that's kind of the definition of a cult," Mr. Stoner said. "Second of all, this isn't a cult. Cults are a bit too complicated and dark even for Degrassi."

"Maybe by season thirty or so," Mrs. Stoner said.

So then Clare was like, "so what _are _you people?"

And then the police burst in and were like, "they're selling drugs, omfg!"

Clare was like, "why are the police using text speak?"

"Because your phone's spirit reincarnated in the police officers, teaching you to value human life," Atlantaenea said, revealing herself to be one of the cops.

And then Jake was like, "let's get out of here."

The two smiled at one another. "You know Jake? I think we're better off as siblings, I mean friends."

"Yeah," Jake said. And then they hugged in a non-incestuous way.

Meanwhile, Dave was like, "yo Drew I've got this problem man. It's like really bad. Two girls like me and I'm not man enough to dump either one of them."

"Wow, you are a JACKASS!" Drew shouted. "How could you _do _that?"

"Yeah!" KC's nostrils flared.

"Alright alright, I'll fix it," Dave said.

Alli looked at him increduously. "Your ex sent you a _text_? You haven't MURDERED her yet to ensure she never reminds me of how mad I am about her existence? It's over!"

"Alli, wait," Dave said.

It was too late. Jacinta entered the building and a car fell from the sky, landing on her face.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT!" everyone screamed at Dave.

"I'll never forgive myself," he said.

But then he forgave himself and banged Alli.

What? That's basically the whole story right there.

Speaking of KC who was in the last scene, he went over to Ty's house and was all, "can I babysit?"

"KC," Mrs. Adopter said. "My husband and I watched the back episodes of Degrassi last night and you seem like a very unstable young man. I don't really like all that nostril-flaring action."

KC's nostrils flared. "He's my son."

"Well we gave him a new name and he doesn't remember you so nyeh!" Mr. Adopter said.

"That's not FAIR!" KC shouted, his nostrils flaring even wider.

Then KC's mom was like, "seriously KC, if you want face-time with your baby you're going to have to take it up in court."

"I'll do it!" KC said. "I am SO committed to being a father it is not even funny!"

Jenna was like, "could've used that a season or two ago."

Goodness, parodying half a season in one chapter is hard.

What about Fiona?

Right, so Fiona was looking into Imogen's eyes one day and realized she was cute. So, she called Declan. "This girl stuffs tampons up her nose and plays the drinking glass. Would you ever fall for her?"

"No," Declan said. "Absolutely not."

Realizing that she could finally have a girl who was an actual character on the show and wasn't Declan's, Fiona fell in love, instantly. "I should ask her out," Fiona said.

"Wait," Declan said. "Don't. She has only tried to date one other person besides you. You need to make sure the Eli door is closed before you try anything. Otherwise she'll never become a real character."

Nodding, Fiona got off the phone and was like, "Imogen, go date Eli!"

"Why?" Imogen asked.

"Because!" Fiona shouted.

"God you're so mean!" Imogen said.

And then Imogen made an art project about Eli's bipolar disorder. "Do you like it?"

"Like it?" Eli said. "You KNOW I disapprove of turning mental illness into art. I would NEVER do anything like that!"

"Except when you did, last season," Imogen said. "That's kind of how we met actually."

"NO!" Eli screamed, breaking her camera. "I made something about myself, not about other people."

"Clara Edwin and Jack?" Imogen asked.

"FINE!" Eli said.

"I think we're better off as friends," Imogen said. "This isn't working for me."

So they decided to be friends and Bullfrog was like, "you know Eli, I don't think you should be dating n'stuff. You're kind of mentally loopy n'stuff and now you're all breaking stuff."

Eli went to his therapist who was all, "your problems with Imogen had nothing to do with your bipolar disorder. In my professional opinion, your mental health would take a complete 180 if you only got back with Clare."

Even though Eli knew this therapist was probably bought by ninjas, he considered it sound advice. So then Fiona was going to throw a big carnival.

"You can't throw a big carnival," her mother said. "I'm about to be under house arrest."

"Damn it!" Fiona said.

So then she sold some random crap in her apartment and made $11,000 with the help of Holly J who frustratingly had nothing real to do with the story despite making a reappearance. Then at the top of the Farris Wheel, Imogen and Fiona fell madly in love. "I've wanted to kiss you for so long!" Imogen said.

"Since when?" Fiona asked. "You just broke up with your boyfriend two episodes ago."

They decided not to talk about this ever again.

"I'm not going to move to New York," Fiona said. "I'm impulsively staying at Degrassi for you."

"Cool," Imogen said. "I guess it worked when you did that for Holly J, right?"

In my imagination, Holly J was jealous of their relationship and a big love triangle emerged.

Meanwhile, Clare was like, "oh Eli. I want you again."

"Since when?" Eli asked.

And then she kissed him and that explained everything.

Okay, I know I've skipped plotlines but tech weekend is coming up and I kinda need to post this.


End file.
